Page 28 | Made MIL cry?!

Didntmeanto6 · 2023-08-12T09:16:18+00:00

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me). I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last". Then she started crying and ran out of the room. Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago. I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off. What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 20:19

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 17:19

Correct to those who guessed, we are French and her exact words were "mais moi je l'aime mon fils, moi".

I had no idea French mamans had this reputation, I knew it for Italian mamas 😄

I haven't had an overweight comment but I have had the comment of "Oh if you want children your pregnancy might be complicated because you are too thin".

They don’t. This kind of enmeshed MIL is not a cultural thing in France the way it is in Italy. Il s’agit de cette belle-mère en particulier.

I’m quite a bit older than you - my advice would be not to talk to her about this at all - there will simply be tears, tantrums and manipulations.

You need to sit down with DH and say it’s all very well being dutiful son and it’s to his credit but she has replaced her DH with him. This level of codependency cannot end well. As she ages she will demand more and more, perhaps even to expect to live with you when she’s older. If you have kids and both work, the demands will become insupportable. If you decide you must move away to escape her she will go into meltdown. So DH needs to see what this means for his future and prepare the ground now. He needs to step back and cut her dependency now - whether you stay close by or move away - it will be for the best.

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 20:26

DriftingDora · 12/08/2023 20:17

Would you like to show me where I said posters had 'a better' idea? Problem with your comprehension skills? Don't attribute false quotes - just makes you look like a (quote) twerp....

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? I didn’t put ‘better idea’ in quotes you did! I wasn’t quoting you. That’s the apparent summary of your position in which you apparently “disagree” with OP’s account of her own life. Someone you have never met and events you did not witness.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 20:44

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 13:42

She is way overly enmeshed and it’s all very bizarre. Even more bizarre are the bonkers-MIL enabling comments. She’s nuts. Anyone here says she’s not needs a word.

But this is DH’s problem to solve not yours. She now has no-one but him and if he doesn’t address now it will simply get worse as time goes on.

Why is it bizarre and why is she nuts ? Her DP does a lot for her and she sometimes makes him a packed lunch to say thank you for all he does. Why is that overly enmeshed ? And why is it DH’s problem to solve, when he hasn’t got a problem with his mum. She’s widowed, obviously lives alone and it sounds like he’s her only son. So he calls in every day to make sure she’s OK. If he’s 43, then MiL is obviously not young, so what’s wrong with this scenario. It’s not a competition between the OP and MiL. Unless she makes it one.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 20:46

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 20:19

They don’t. This kind of enmeshed MIL is not a cultural thing in France the way it is in Italy. Il s’agit de cette belle-mère en particulier.

I’m quite a bit older than you - my advice would be not to talk to her about this at all - there will simply be tears, tantrums and manipulations.

You need to sit down with DH and say it’s all very well being dutiful son and it’s to his credit but she has replaced her DH with him. This level of codependency cannot end well. As she ages she will demand more and more, perhaps even to expect to live with you when she’s older. If you have kids and both work, the demands will become insupportable. If you decide you must move away to escape her she will go into meltdown. So DH needs to see what this means for his future and prepare the ground now. He needs to step back and cut her dependency now - whether you stay close by or move away - it will be for the best.

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Best for who ?

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 20:50

MsRosley · 12/08/2023 18:22

For god's sake, I am married and I don't do any cooking. I hate cooking. My DH makes all the evening meals, and I have toast for lunch. Stop imagining you know what I am like.

It doesn't matter whether the OP does the cooking or her DH cook, the mil clearly thinks it's her role to take care of her son. There's no way for the OP to win, is there? Either he cooks and she's seen as neglecting him, or OP cooks and this is being subverted by her mil making sure he's already full up - as OP clearly stated.

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Why ? Why can’t it be a case of DP doing a lot for his mum and supporting her, and her showing her appreciation by cooking for him ? It’s not a threat to the OP - unless she’s determined to see it as one and punish her MiL and DP accordingly. Telling him to sleep at his mums’ is a good start.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 20:52

BlastedIce · 12/08/2023 18:22

I thought one of the terms she used was “often”! It got ramped up when the post wasn’t going her way, as is often the case.

But never was it everyday, you made that up!

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And in the case of the packed lunches it was ‘sometimes’ !!

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 20:56

MsRosley · 12/08/2023 18:28

Lol, as I said to @BlastedIce, I definitely don't see it as my job to cook for my partner. He does the cooking, but it would be very annoying if his mother kept feeding him. It would feel like an implied criticism.

I think food and meals carry a lot of emotional weight for women, and I very much doubt that OP's mil is doing this in all innocence. There would be a way of doing this that is more respectful to OP, and that is to show her gratitude by asking them both if she could do some cooking for them, and making sure that OP benefits as well. After all, all that time the son spends doing stuff for his mother is time he's spending away from his wife, time he could be spending doing things at home. Mil should be grateful to both of them.

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Oh, so you’re of the opinion that he needs the OP’s permission to do things for his mum ? This echoes a previous post from the OP in which she intimated that her MiL should be happy she doesn’t object to the jobs DP does for her. This thread has descended into batshit territory now.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 21:00

BlastedIce · 12/08/2023 18:31

“Feeding him” like he’s a dog!

you really want to govern what your DH easts for lunch? He can get a £3 meal deal, that’s ok, but not take a lunch off his mum?

And you don’t think that’s controlling….

🚩

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She also acknowledges that food and cooking carries a lot of emotional weight for women, but doesn’t cook for her partner. Ok then !!

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 21:05

MsRosley · 12/08/2023 17:53

It is if you do it every day.

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There is no suggestion in any of the OP’s posts that this happens every day.

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 21:12

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 20:46

Best for who ?

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Best for OP and DH and their marriage. His mother needs to find alternative support system. It’s not healthy or reasonable to be so enmeshed with a son at the age of 60. She could still get married again which would be ideal.

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 21:14

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 21:12

Best for OP and DH and their marriage. His mother needs to find alternative support system. It’s not healthy or reasonable to be so enmeshed with a son at the age of 60. She could still get married again which would be ideal.

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If she’s anything like every 60 year old woman I know she’d rather drink a bottle of bleach than get married again.

pictoosh · 12/08/2023 21:14

People are just fantasising left, right and fucking everywhere now.

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 21:16

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 21:14

If she’s anything like every 60 year old woman I know she’d rather drink a bottle of bleach than get married again.

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Really? What makes them so averse? Depends on the woman, depends on the relationship with their ex/late DH.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 21:16

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 20:02

I like OP, the same cannot be said for some of the posters on the thread.

It’s her life, she knows whats going on. The idea that some twerp on the internet has a better idea is puzzling.

Complaining about the OP being rude but then insinuating her marriage won’t last is just weird.

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Well if she didn’t want the opinion of some twerp on the internet, why did she post ?

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 21:17

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 21:12

Best for OP and DH and their marriage. His mother needs to find alternative support system. It’s not healthy or reasonable to be so enmeshed with a son at the age of 60. She could still get married again which would be ideal.

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Ideal for who ?

pictoosh · 12/08/2023 21:17

But then posting as though their imaginings were fact. Such confidence in one's own fabrication.

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 21:18

@Rosscameasdoody Any more questions?

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 21:19

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 21:17

Ideal for who ?

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Not her that’s for sure. It’s the wrong end of life to get stuck with someone you stand a good chance of having to nurse through illness and/or old age. Why would you let yourself in for that having escaped it once?

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 21:29

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 21:19

Not her that’s for sure. It’s the wrong end of life to get stuck with someone you stand a good chance of having to nurse through illness and/or old age. Why would you let yourself in for that having escaped it once?

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She’s 60. Her son is 43 - so not that far behind her. The lack of compassion and empathy on here is astounding.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 21:34

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 21:18

@Rosscameasdoody Any more questions?

No - it’s clear that your priorities are with the OP and sod what her partner or MiL think or feel.

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 21:35

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 21:29

She’s 60. Her son is 43 - so not that far behind her. The lack of compassion and empathy on here is astounding.

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I genuinely don’t understand what you mean. What lack of compassion and empathy? What 60 year old woman would want to marry someone her age or older who could enslave her into years of nursing them and looking after them? By the time most women are 60 self preservation has well and truly kicked in.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 21:36

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 21:19

Not her that’s for sure. It’s the wrong end of life to get stuck with someone you stand a good chance of having to nurse through illness and/or old age. Why would you let yourself in for that having escaped it once?

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No-one is forced to nurse anyone through illness or old age just because they are a relative.

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 21:37

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 21:36

No-one is forced to nurse anyone through illness or old age just because they are a relative.

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They are if they’re married to them. The suggestion was that the mil could get married again - did you miss that?

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 21:38

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 21:35

I genuinely don’t understand what you mean. What lack of compassion and empathy? What 60 year old woman would want to marry someone her age or older who could enslave her into years of nursing them and looking after them? By the time most women are 60 self preservation has well and truly kicked in.

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My apologies Blossomtoes, I misunderstood. Thought you were talking about the OP and her DP nursing MiL through illness and old age. Just given my head a wobble and read it properly, and you mean MiL. Sorry.

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 21:39

It’s OK, I realised we were at cross purposes!