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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not following rules

299 replies

katfrat · 12/08/2023 06:49

I have name changed as this is very outing. I have been married for ten years, we have 1 child together. Around 5 years ago we decided to open up our marriage. Neither one of us felt we were getting our sexual needs met. I am bisexual and have had a girlfriend for around 18 months. My husband has seen a few women off and on. We have really open and honest communication with helps.

He is in the military and is working half way across the world just now until next month. He let me know he was online dating and had met a woman he was interested in - all good. However, this woman reached out to me via social media to confirm he was in an open marriage. I was not comfortable with this, I don't really want to know who he is having sex with and I feel this woman contacting me shows a lack of boundaries on her part. I replied to her to confirm he was but spoke with my husband and asked that he not see this woman again as I don't feel comfortable, she seems like drama to be honest. He agreed he wouldn't see her again.

Husband and I have our location on and have noticed past few nights (his time) it's suddenly been unreachable, as if he's turning his phone off. I asked him and surprise, surprise, he has been continuing to see this woman. He says purely sex, they aren't dating or anything. This just makes me feel highly uncomfortable though, as this is the first time (that I know of) that he has lied to me and I just feel almost like I have been cheated on.

Not sure what to do, he thinks I am being unreasonable as he doesn't think it's a big deal to reach out. But we had discussed this and would prefer no communication with each other partner and it's not been nice to see who he is fucking.

AIBU to think this is a betrayal? How can I believe anything he says now?

OP posts:
TimesRwo · 12/08/2023 10:49

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/08/2023 07:11

She sounds great. Definitely the kind of sister we need in the world. Boundaries, checking in, what a woman.

Exactly this. Yet OP thinks she’s a “drama”, when’s it’s Op who is causing the drama here.

Thisismyartform · 12/08/2023 10:51

YABU.

it was completely understandable and reasonable for her to contact you.

If you are uncomfortable knowing who he has sex with you should not be in an open marriage.

If you’ve opened the marriage you cannot dictate who he sees or what feelings develop between them. It is incredibly naive to think you can.

PhantomUnicorn · 12/08/2023 10:55

yabu. i'm part of a poly set up where the core couple are in a committed but open LTR and we all know about each other and all know the rules/boundaries.

You're forcing him to be secretive about it.

Anotherchristianmama · 12/08/2023 10:58

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 12/08/2023 10:44

I’m pretty sure open marriages don’t allow being in a relationship with another person.

If it’s solely a sex thing then why are you calling her your gf.

I love how common it is for mumsnetters to confidently make statements about non conventional relationships while being totaly wrong.

Epidote · 12/08/2023 11:00

@Biffatcrafts I totally agree with you.
It seems like the only one with standard standards is the OW.

I'm not into open relationship things but sounds a lot if effort to be an open relationship.

Busubaba · 12/08/2023 11:05

What a sad way to live.

You can't complain about what he's doing and who with if you are up to the same antics yourself.

Dolores87 · 12/08/2023 11:07

I dont think you can have your own girlfriend and dictate to him who he can and cant have sex with himself.

I think the women did the right thing checking with you his marriage was indeed open.

To be blunt if you are going to get jealous or uncomfortable about other women you shouldn't have an open marriage and you both should have worked on having your sexual needs met in your relationship. It sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it in tbis situation

One problem though is the lying. He shouldnt have lied to you. He should have just said no thats not a reasonable request when you tried to ban him from seeing her.

I have to be honest nothing sounds healthy about your marriage arrangement.

GatoradeMeBitch · 12/08/2023 11:17

YABU by telling him he couldn’t see her! That was really controlling.

Isn't that generally a thing in open marriages, that the other person can veto if they feel uncomfortable?

However I also understand a woman wanting to get confirmation of an open marriage before involvement with a married man. I don't think it's a lack of boundaries at all, quite the opposite.

Busubaba · 12/08/2023 11:23

Open relationship = empty vessels

This is just my personal opinion.

Open relationships often arise when their partner cannot fulfil their every need and desire.

It drives each other to seek shallow, sexual relations with others that are not fulfilling and serves only to make you feel more empty so you seek another to try and fill your glass and feel whole but it never does.

OCDmama · 12/08/2023 11:28

I'd thank the woman for reaching out tbh. Sounds like she was doing her due diligence!

changernamer8 · 12/08/2023 11:31

She sounds like a decent person to me. She's just making sure she doesn't cause trouble.
...but I can see why you are upset because she is a decent person. She might have a personality too.

pumpkinspice87 · 12/08/2023 11:31

seafronty · 12/08/2023 07:10

I am SHOCKED that the open marriage is struggling. I am really really stunned. I know of no couple anywhere who decided on this and it lasted. It always fails.

This exactly. I'm sure this is the second thread I've seen this week on someone getting hurt or feeling weird as a result of an open marriage. Fully grown adults can do what they want of course; but it always seems to end in hurt and jealousy.

FoodFann · 12/08/2023 11:31

Proof that open marriages don’t work

Eleganz · 12/08/2023 11:32

OP won't be coming back, I'm not even sure if their situation is real tbh. If it is let's hope that she has got the message.

Hawkins009 · 12/08/2023 11:33

FoodFann · 12/08/2023 11:31

Proof that open marriages don’t work

That seems false logic, one situation of this and ....
The same could then be said with any relationship that breaks down,

Eleganz · 12/08/2023 11:37

Hawkins009 · 12/08/2023 11:33

That seems false logic, one situation of this and ....
The same could then be said with any relationship that breaks down,

Show quote history

Indeed, however opening a marriage is never a solution to any problems in that marriage. Polyamory is a minority lifestyle choice not an alternative to marriage counselling.

However, the real issue with OP is she has an unbalanced set of rules and is now being confronted with that and she is not happy with it. She's a hypocrite. She can't complain about knowing about who her husband is having sex with when she has a steady girlfriend who her husband is bound to know about.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 12/08/2023 11:39

changernamer8 · 12/08/2023 11:31

She sounds like a decent person to me. She's just making sure she doesn't cause trouble.
...but I can see why you are upset because she is a decent person. She might have a personality too.

This is the truth of it.

OP is jealous because this woman does seem decent and does seem like someone her DH could get attached too.
I bet she’s pretty too.

Biffatcrafts · 12/08/2023 11:39

I'm going to add 2 things that have been really bugging me about the OP, her husband and is based on the information she provides in her one (and only) post.

  1. They have a child ffs! Aged probably anywhere between 5 and 9. Even accepting that the OP and her GF don't parade their sexual behaviour in front of the child, and the husband only shags away from the house, children pick up on stuff, on relationship dynamics and undertones. They might not understand what they are seeing/hearing but it does affect them. I'll bet a pound to a penny that the OP and her GF cannot be completely discreet all the time, and yes, I'm speculating, but I also wonder how often the GF stays over while the husband is away. Surely the child has to be a priority in all this. As time goes on what kind of example of healthy relationships are these 2 supposed parents setting?
  1. Husband is military. Whether you agree with what the military does, and what wars they are sent to fight is something separate, but first and foremost they're supposed to follow a code of conduct, not just at work, but in every aspect of their lives. He is clearly not living up to those standards at all. It makes a mockery of so many brave men and women who do serve and follow the rules. Many of my family were, and are, military and have paid the price in many ways. and this makes my blood boil.

Both the OP and her husband should be ashamed of themselves.

Rant over, sorry 😞

isthismylifenow · 12/08/2023 11:47

LunaandLily · 12/08/2023 09:40

Missing the point entirely but how is this outing? Can see why you wouldn’t want this associated with other posts you’ve made, but it’s not “outing”

I suspect that the gf of 18 months is on here and may not be aware of the rules. Seeing as OP seems to pick and choose what suits her.

PurpleSteak · 12/08/2023 11:49

Biffatcrafts · 12/08/2023 11:39

I'm going to add 2 things that have been really bugging me about the OP, her husband and is based on the information she provides in her one (and only) post.

  1. They have a child ffs! Aged probably anywhere between 5 and 9. Even accepting that the OP and her GF don't parade their sexual behaviour in front of the child, and the husband only shags away from the house, children pick up on stuff, on relationship dynamics and undertones. They might not understand what they are seeing/hearing but it does affect them. I'll bet a pound to a penny that the OP and her GF cannot be completely discreet all the time, and yes, I'm speculating, but I also wonder how often the GF stays over while the husband is away. Surely the child has to be a priority in all this. As time goes on what kind of example of healthy relationships are these 2 supposed parents setting?
  1. Husband is military. Whether you agree with what the military does, and what wars they are sent to fight is something separate, but first and foremost they're supposed to follow a code of conduct, not just at work, but in every aspect of their lives. He is clearly not living up to those standards at all. It makes a mockery of so many brave men and women who do serve and follow the rules. Many of my family were, and are, military and have paid the price in many ways. and this makes my blood boil.

Both the OP and her husband should be ashamed of themselves.

Rant over, sorry 😞

I mean you're not wrong exactly, but the military would be significantly depleted and would have been throughout history if "a girl in every port" disqualified people

Biffatcrafts · 12/08/2023 11:53

@PurpleSteak You're right of course, but irrationally it still bugs me to see the moral component of our Armed Forces being so thoroughly ignored. Maybe I'm too much of an old upright prude for today's moral climate 😔

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 11:55

Biffatcrafts · 12/08/2023 11:39

I'm going to add 2 things that have been really bugging me about the OP, her husband and is based on the information she provides in her one (and only) post.

  1. They have a child ffs! Aged probably anywhere between 5 and 9. Even accepting that the OP and her GF don't parade their sexual behaviour in front of the child, and the husband only shags away from the house, children pick up on stuff, on relationship dynamics and undertones. They might not understand what they are seeing/hearing but it does affect them. I'll bet a pound to a penny that the OP and her GF cannot be completely discreet all the time, and yes, I'm speculating, but I also wonder how often the GF stays over while the husband is away. Surely the child has to be a priority in all this. As time goes on what kind of example of healthy relationships are these 2 supposed parents setting?
  1. Husband is military. Whether you agree with what the military does, and what wars they are sent to fight is something separate, but first and foremost they're supposed to follow a code of conduct, not just at work, but in every aspect of their lives. He is clearly not living up to those standards at all. It makes a mockery of so many brave men and women who do serve and follow the rules. Many of my family were, and are, military and have paid the price in many ways. and this makes my blood boil.

Both the OP and her husband should be ashamed of themselves.

Rant over, sorry 😞

I’m from a military family and married into one and this is arrant nonsense. There are no “rules” around marital fidelity, we’d have no armed forces if there were.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/08/2023 11:55

FoodFann · 12/08/2023 11:31

Proof that open marriages don’t work

With that logic every divorce would be proof that marriage doesn’t work…

All this is proof of is proof that the Op’s relationship isn’t working.

And for the same reason most relationships - open or not - fail; the two people in it aren’t on the same page with what is and isn’t acceptable to each of them over sex.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/08/2023 11:59

Obviously you won't believe anything he says now, OP. Oh well. What to do? Your marriage - with both parties' consent - is open now. You carry on with your girlfriend and he'll carry on doing what he's doing. This woman who has so agitated you, seems thoroughly decent. Maybe that's just what he's been looking for and he'll make the next move to end the marriage.

I really don't see that a marriage can be 'opened', only ended and I think when one of the pair is looking to open it, they're just using the wrong word. It's done.

I never really liked the 'play stupid games, win stupid prizes', schtick but never has it seemed more fitting.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 12/08/2023 11:59

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 12/08/2023 10:44

I’m pretty sure open marriages don’t allow being in a relationship with another person.

If it’s solely a sex thing then why are you calling her your gf.

Not actually true. Some open marriages allow outside relationships (some only allow relationships not random ONS).

Not something I’d be happy with (any sort of open marriage) but outside serious relationships is one model of open marriage.

I read somewhere (no idea how true it is) that a relationship that starts as monogamous and is ‘opened’ later almost always fails because one partner is less keen. According to the writer, only relationships that start as open last. Again, no idea how true it is but sounds reasonable.

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