Husband not following rules

[katfrat]

I have name changed as this is very outing. I have been married for ten years, we have 1 child together. Around 5 years ago we decided to open up our marriage. Neither one of us felt we were getting our sexual needs met. I am bisexual and have had a girlfriend for around 18 months. My husband has seen a few women off and on. We have really open and honest communication with helps.

He is in the military and is working half way across the world just now until next month. He let me know he was online dating and had met a woman he was interested in - all good. However, this woman reached out to me via social media to confirm he was in an open marriage. I was not comfortable with this, I don't really want to know who he is having sex with and I feel this woman contacting me shows a lack of boundaries on her part. I replied to her to confirm he was but spoke with my husband and asked that he not see this woman again as I don't feel comfortable, she seems like drama to be honest. He agreed he wouldn't see her again.

Husband and I have our location on and have noticed past few nights (his time) it's suddenly been unreachable, as if he's turning his phone off. I asked him and surprise, surprise, he has been continuing to see this woman. He says purely sex, they aren't dating or anything. This just makes me feel highly uncomfortable though, as this is the first time (that I know of) that he has lied to me and I just feel almost like I have been cheated on.

Not sure what to do, he thinks I am being unreasonable as he doesn't think it's a big deal to reach out. But we had discussed this and would prefer no communication with each other partner and it's not been nice to see who he is fucking.

AIBU to think this is a betrayal? How can I believe anything he says now?

YABU.

I think her reaching out to confirm what he's said is true shows a great deal of care and concern woman to woman.
It's the exact opposite of "drama".

I think you misunderstood what I was saying. OP doesn't mind knowing that he's sleeping with other women, what she minds is being contacted by these OW. You're original post sounded like you were saying she didn't want to know anything at all (which isn't the case as he messaged to her say he was online dating and she was fine with that). I think we're saying the same thing, it's just been lost in translation 🤣

Either way, it doesn't really matter because you're right, OP is being totally unreasonable and she can't police who he chooses the sleep with in this arrangement.

You describing having a girlfriend is more of an emotional relationship which I’m sure your DH knows about her.
I think her messaging to check is actually really adult and healthy of her and she respected you. Of he can’t sleep with her are you going to give up your girlfriend?

I wonder if OP is coming back

Sorry I misread what you put.

Yes you are right that OP didn’t want to know who it was but I think I’d rather have him having sex with a women like this who reaches out and double checks, than one that doesn’t care whether he’s in an open marriage or not.

(I personally couldn’t be in an open relationship anyway).

She's probably got enough info for her article, by now 🙄

When you open the marriage, you have to open up to the possibility that either of you will find someone more compatible or happier with, and the marriage may end. The OW sounds great, we need more women like her in this world. Kudos to her for wanting to make sure she isn't wrecking a home. YABU to ask him to stop seeing her just as much as he would be unreasonable to ask you to stop seeing your girlfriend. You don't get to decide who he has sex with any more than he gets to decide who you have sex with, you did open the marriage after all. I think you are using the fact that she contacted you just as an excuse. It seems to me that you just don't like her, or maybe even jealous, because you dh really likes her, she has morals, and i wouldnt be surprised if you think shes prettier than you too. Well, this is what you opened your marriage to , as you make your bed and all that. Interesting to know where the child figures in all of this chaos

Excellent post.

Morals and self worth are important to me and your post summed up what I feel better than my post!

A very timely thread as l have just started a relationship with a polyamorous man.

I'm also reading a very insightful book called The Ethical Slut which addresses all the above thoughts raised on here.

One thing it is very clear about however, is that there has to be boundaries, rules and consent for all parties involved.... and if they are broken ... like the DH has by lying.... THAT is akin to cheating in a monogamous relationship.

Completely agree. The OW is coming off as the best person in this scenario!!

If you're married then you made vows. If you break them then what's the point?

I disagree with 'lying' in the example you've used, it sounds like an add-on that people wanting to justify open marriages seem to feel that they need. What could be more final to a marriage than opening it? It's a mockery, just have the guts to end it and stop lying to everybody.

Not really aimed at you, BurntOutGirl but the ridiculous concept and the equally silly 'rules' put in place to shore up the resulting nonsense 'relationship' that's left.

Even if your military why is a traditional relationship more important than an open relationship both types of relationships have rules so why the frustration over it

@Hawkins009 My personal view is not based on the type of relationship he is in (in this case an apparently open one agreed by both parties), but rather his behaviour within it. He has been deceitful and has lied to his partner (the OP). I may be blasted (rightly or wrongly) for this but my view is that someone who lies to, and deceives, those closest to him does not demonstrate the kind of moral compass that I admire. I would feel the same if this was a more traditional monogamous marriage, or a same sex marriage. Lying and deceitful behaviour is never tolerable to me. But as I said previously, neither the husband or the OP come out well in this.

Exactly this.

Ex Forces wife here and I wouldn't see it as a reflection on the Armed Forces or a stain on them. It's their personal business, one they have decided together (presumably) so don't feel there is any moral issue. It's not my thing, but if it floats their boat. I feel the OP was being unfair and unreasonable banning him from continuing his relationship with and that his lie was pretty minor compared to that and possibly understandable from her reaction. Certainly doesn't make me angry - personally couldn't care less, it's just a post on SM.

With that context I can understand your perspectives better and I can understand your point and agree on this.

Great article. I’ll be saving it to help explain to others my issue with open marriage.

I agree with this. He lied because OP created some fairly restrictive rules for him while she’s enjoying a longterm relationship in addition to her marriage.
Why should he stop seeing a woman just because she was trying to be decent?
Would OP prefer it if he slept with women who couldn’t care less if he was in reality cheating on his wife?

I haven't been 'sockpuppeting', I do have a life you know. Just came back to the thread.

I watched a documentary once about a couple in an open marriage.
The woman’s boyfriend was living with them, and the woman was going on about how well it all worked with the tree of them.
Than her husband’s female friend (a vivacious redhead) came to stay with them and became touchy-feely with hubby over a bottle of wine. And suddenly the wife became resentful and jealous.

So you don't want to know who he's meeting up with.. but you have a girlfriend. Does he not know who this girlfriend is then? Or is that ok?? Just wondering

Overall, yes YABU

I've been in open relationships and know others who are in open marriages, so I am supportive of them and not judgemental.

As a woman matching with men who claim to be in open relationships, it's very common to be concerned that some men aren't being honest (because, shocker, some aren't). She was showing concern and support for you by checking whether he was being truthful. It seems unfair to veto her purely on this basis. From what you say, she didn't do anything else, just wanted to check that he was telling the truth and not cheating on you.

I understand if you have a 'don't ask don't tell' situation with your husband, in which case he needs to communicate that clearly to women he matches with. For some women, that will be a dealbreaker, and that's fair enough, he needs to live with that.

All of that said, your husband did disrespect a boundary that you set and he agreed to by continuing to see her. But I think that's probably less about this specific woman, and more about his approach to boundaries/your relationship generally. Communication is the biggest factor in whether open relationships work or not - you need to sit down with him and talk about what happened, why he behaved that way and how you feel about it. Make a clear plan for how you're going to go forward. Open relationships can go forward and backward a bit while working out these kinds of issues. But don't blame that poor woman who just tried to do the right thing.

Well you've kind of crossed the Rubicon in terms of your marriage haven't you. I don't believe that any open relationship can survive indefinitely, it will always hit problems imo.

I don’t think she sounds controlling, she had boundaries in place. Her DH may well have boundaries of his own. Open marriages only tend to work and not become abusive if the people involved stick to the boundaries and prioritise the primary relationship. Trust is paramount. It is okay to be uncomfortable with an aspect of it and ask for accommodation in some way. If her DH wasn’t prepared to stop seeing the other woman he should have told OP so she knew where she stood.

Equally, if her DH feels threatened or uncomfortable with OP’s 18 month relationship with another woman, he can ask her to make changes (including stopping seeing her). If OP doesn’t like that restriction she doesn’t have to stick with it, but she shouldn’t lie about it. She should say she isn’t prepared to stop, that his comfort isn’t worth that to her, so her DH can decide if he wants to stay married to her.

No.

She was absolutely right to do this.

There are a lot of men out there who claim to be in ''open relationships'' while in fact cheating on their wives.

Polyamory/open relationships need good communication and honesty to work.

You know he is seeing other people and so are you so I don't see what your issue is.