Husband not following rules

[katfrat]

I have name changed as this is very outing. I have been married for ten years, we have 1 child together. Around 5 years ago we decided to open up our marriage. Neither one of us felt we were getting our sexual needs met. I am bisexual and have had a girlfriend for around 18 months. My husband has seen a few women off and on. We have really open and honest communication with helps.

He is in the military and is working half way across the world just now until next month. He let me know he was online dating and had met a woman he was interested in - all good. However, this woman reached out to me via social media to confirm he was in an open marriage. I was not comfortable with this, I don't really want to know who he is having sex with and I feel this woman contacting me shows a lack of boundaries on her part. I replied to her to confirm he was but spoke with my husband and asked that he not see this woman again as I don't feel comfortable, she seems like drama to be honest. He agreed he wouldn't see her again.

Husband and I have our location on and have noticed past few nights (his time) it's suddenly been unreachable, as if he's turning his phone off. I asked him and surprise, surprise, he has been continuing to see this woman. He says purely sex, they aren't dating or anything. This just makes me feel highly uncomfortable though, as this is the first time (that I know of) that he has lied to me and I just feel almost like I have been cheated on.

Not sure what to do, he thinks I am being unreasonable as he doesn't think it's a big deal to reach out. But we had discussed this and would prefer no communication with each other partner and it's not been nice to see who he is fucking.

AIBU to think this is a betrayal? How can I believe anything he says now?

Let’s be honest, OP.

You paraded your ‘relationship’ in front of your husband. But you cannot know who he’s shagging?

One rule for you, one for him. IMO you don’t want him shagging about and deep down you’re jealous but you’ll never admit it as you’ll have to stop your shagging about.

You’re so beyond unreasonable it’s bonkers.

Bravo 👏

YABU

You say you’ve told him you don’t want to know but are now annoyed that he’s being secretive.

She sounds like a decent person because she reached out and checked with you first.
I’d much rather than that than a woman who thinks we’re still happily married and that they’re laughing behind my back.

You cannot stop him from seeing this woman unless you have a genuine reason, which you don’t.

Would you stop seeing this woman because your DH decided he just didn’t like her?

I think it’s you that isn’t playing by the rules as I don’t think an open marriage means getting into another relationship which you’ve seemed to have done.

You sound jealous and I wonder if it’s because this woman is very attractive or you thought that your DH would struggle to find anyone to have an open relationship with.
You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

I feel like this particular woman is the least of your problems tbh.. why are you continuing your marriage. It doesn’t sound like a partnership to me. I agree intimacy isn’t the be all and end all but it is important and I don’t see how you can still have a ‘marriage’ or partnership really and truly when it sounds like you’ve both checked out.

The OP appears to have made this rule up unilaterally and after, the woman contacted her. The husband didn't agree to the rule initally. And what woman wouldn't want to check with the wife? OP is having her cake and ensuring her husband can't have a relationship. I'm not sure why you can't see this, when every single other poster on this thread can.

An 'open marriage' feels like a contradiction. If you don't want commitment, why get married?

The sin stuff is just some nonsense that religious people believe. Mostly marriage is a legal agreement concerning money, property, and offspring. It’s not nothing to do with comfort. What people do within that marriage is up to them.

I don't think the other woman was unreasonable to want to confirm it's really an open marriage- as many posts have pointed out, lots of men use this line, and it's actually rubbish.

But your husband shouldn't have lied. Ideally what should happen is that it led to a discussion about you not being happy about being contacted, and reviewing your boundaries with each other, and what is and isn't acceptable- what does an open marriage mean to both of you? Whatever was agreed at the beginning may not work in reality, and you need to check in and readjust how things work. I would want to know who he is sleeping with, and I don't think I'd be happy with another girlfriend instead of one night stands, especially not with someone I hadn't met; but that's me, not you.

I would absolutely want a rule that if either of us is unhappy, we both need to discuss it and work our way through it to see what needs to change that we'd both be okay with. There are going to be some situations where you might not need agreement and thst shouldn't mean the other person just goes off and does it anyway, but you need to think about how you deal with such things - for me, it would be, if we're not both happy, it shouldn't happen, but there would still need to be discussion, else one side could just say no all the time, and you wouldn't actually have an open relationship.

For me, I'd be focussing on the fact he went ahead with this woman anyway, and lied. That is not open and honest communication. Something on how your agreement works... isn't working, and that needs sorting out.

While I’d never, ever want an open marriage myself, this is completely untrue.

While the boundaries are not the same as in a monogamous marriage, it is absolutely acceptable to have boundaries in place. The only people involved in such relationships who claim otherwise are abusive.

She did the sensible thing.

How many men do you think are in 'open' marriages but never told their wives?

No, that is absolutely no how open marriages work. You don't seem to understand what open marriages are. Neither partner can dictate who the other sees. That's the whole point.

What exactly are the rules of an open relationship? I think the problem is when the people in the open relationship don't even understand the rules themselves.

She didn't say she didn't want to know at all. She said she didn't want contact with the OW (which is fine). Her husband agreed not to see the OW but did anyway - he lied, and that was wrong.

I think the other woman sounds very sensible.

Loads of cheating men will trot out the "open marriage" line - at least she had the sense to speak to you and make sure he was being honest with her.

I also think you're being a massive hypocrite - why is it okay for you to have a girlfriend of 18 months but it's not okay for you to know about one woman your DH is having sex with him?

Yes but by the very act of opening the relationship you've already blurred normal boundaries and things are bound to go further.

We don't know that for sure. Perhaps the gf is an naive innocent who blindly accepts the ' my husband and I are in an open marriage ' line. You know , the one sometimes uses by deceitful men?

Or maybe she doesn't gaf about wrecking a marriage. Or perhaps OP thinks she can have a longterm relationship with a woman because it's somehow different than him doing likewise- as opposed to the odd meaningless shag.

Well that's the trouble with open relationships - they are inevitably more open at one end . I speak from bitter experience. Eventually the pissed off party pisses off.

Missing the point entirely but how is this outing? Can see why you wouldn’t want this associated with other posts you’ve made, but it’s not “outing”

Whatever my thoughts on open marriages, which by the way will cause you a lot of pain, the fact she contacted you shows precisely that she WAS respecting your boundaries and her own, understanding what she was getting herself into and ensuring she wasn't going behind your back. YABU.

I wouldn't shag a lad that tells me that is in an open relationship because I wouldn't shag a lad who is in a relationship regardless the state of it.

The OW doesn't need to know the couple open relationship rules. She reached OP out. Good on her to double check if that was the correct settings.

The OP and husband have far to many rules on the "open relationship" that doesn't make it that open.

He is not telling his wife he is with the OW because he already knows she doesn't like what he is doing. However he can do whatever he fancy because the relationship is open, isn't it.

That open relationship won't last long because they don't want the same.

You can no longer control this situation, but seem to think you can try to.

Are you surprised at this mess?

You shouldn't be!

Not sure why you are married TBH.

You live apart a lot because of his work, you have other partners, so does he.

Why did you get married?

In your head you appear to accept him having sex with other women, but not one he keeps seeing.

Surely that was a risk you both took when you decided to have sex with other people? (That either of you might meet someone else .)

She wanted to be sure she wasn't been lied to, I completely understand that.
Every women would think that was some bullshit line.
You can't dictate who he sees if you are having an open relationship!

So why has all @Bigflop posts been deleted.

You know the one that seemed to know far more back ground about Ops situation than has been posted about. Also the one that was very passionate about telling everyone how wrong they were and how eight Op was. Almost like they were the Op.

But if that was true surely MN would take it down?

YABU for talking about her having "reached out", unless The Four Tops are also involved?

Not coming back then? 🤣

YABVVVVVU