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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not following rules

299 replies

katfrat · 12/08/2023 06:49

I have name changed as this is very outing. I have been married for ten years, we have 1 child together. Around 5 years ago we decided to open up our marriage. Neither one of us felt we were getting our sexual needs met. I am bisexual and have had a girlfriend for around 18 months. My husband has seen a few women off and on. We have really open and honest communication with helps.

He is in the military and is working half way across the world just now until next month. He let me know he was online dating and had met a woman he was interested in - all good. However, this woman reached out to me via social media to confirm he was in an open marriage. I was not comfortable with this, I don't really want to know who he is having sex with and I feel this woman contacting me shows a lack of boundaries on her part. I replied to her to confirm he was but spoke with my husband and asked that he not see this woman again as I don't feel comfortable, she seems like drama to be honest. He agreed he wouldn't see her again.

Husband and I have our location on and have noticed past few nights (his time) it's suddenly been unreachable, as if he's turning his phone off. I asked him and surprise, surprise, he has been continuing to see this woman. He says purely sex, they aren't dating or anything. This just makes me feel highly uncomfortable though, as this is the first time (that I know of) that he has lied to me and I just feel almost like I have been cheated on.

Not sure what to do, he thinks I am being unreasonable as he doesn't think it's a big deal to reach out. But we had discussed this and would prefer no communication with each other partner and it's not been nice to see who he is fucking.

AIBU to think this is a betrayal? How can I believe anything he says now?

OP posts:
Sueveneers · 12/08/2023 09:51

Testina · 12/08/2023 09:50

Not coming back then? 🤣

YABVVVVVU

I think they were back. Under another 'name' and got found out for sockpuppeting. Lol.

Abhannmor · 12/08/2023 09:51

Aquestioningmind · 12/08/2023 09:22

Let’s be honest, OP.

You paraded your ‘relationship’ in front of your husband. But you cannot know who he’s shagging?

One rule for you, one for him. IMO you don’t want him shagging about and deep down you’re jealous but you’ll never admit it as you’ll have to stop your shagging about.

You’re so beyond unreasonable it’s bonkers.

That's about the strength of it. In marriage terms she has 2.0 and wants him to accept 0.5.

RampantIvy · 12/08/2023 09:57

WunWun · 12/08/2023 08:45

You don't have to bring your own sanctimonious nonsense into this.

I'm sure they're not fucking in front of the child. I'm sure the child doesn't know anything about it. Get a grip.

Show quote history

I can't agree with you at all @WunWun. If you want to have your cake and eat it why bother getting married? I'm sure the child is aware or will become aware that this is a dysfunctional relationship.

I agreee that the OP won't be back, unless it is you who has name changed back again.

I am reminded of the old proverb "What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander." Swap goose and gander round.

Mothership4two · 12/08/2023 10:00

Doesn't look like OP is coming back.

I don't understand why the husband was punished for something that he did not do. Would OP accept finishing with her gf if she reached out to the husband? And did it really make OP that uncomfortable being contacted on SM? Could possibly understand it a bit more if she had turned up on the doorstep.

Still think this woman was sensible getting in touch and neither one of them should be able to control who the other sees. OP seems to be calling all the shots, but she isn't coming back to clarify. But this is way out of my experience/comfort zone!

Teaandbiscuits60 · 12/08/2023 10:05

you feel like you’ve been cheated on?? I think you feel like he wants to make a long term relationship and you are worried what that will mean for your marriage and also that you are jealous that he likes this woman enough to ignore what you’re saying and continue to see her regularly . What if he decides he no longer wants an open marriage and wants to settle down with one person exclusively?? He may and then there’s you … you have a regular girlfriend . It sounds like this, you’re married to a man and have a regular girlfriend and open marriage but as soon as husband moves in the direction of a regular girlfriend, you do not like it?? He’s doing the same as you. I wouldn’t be surprised if he walks away from you because he wants the security of a monogamous relationship. Sorry op trying to see the facts.

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 10:06

If this is the first time he’s lied my guess is he’s falling for this woman. Always a risk of course in open marriages.

I’m a bit old fashioned on this front and admit can’t understand why people get married if they want an open relationship. It seems an added unnecessary complication to me. (Not judging, just don’t understand the point).

WannaBeRecluse · 12/08/2023 10:07

I wonder whose idea this open marriage was. Was DH as on board as OP? Maybe it was her idea and she's decided enough rule making by OP. She is doing her thing, so he is going to do his. Maybe he's even thinking, "You wanted this, now deal with it." Speculation of course.

Biffatcrafts · 12/08/2023 10:08

I feel sorry for the other woman in all this, she's the only one of the 3 that has shown any integrity.

Imagine the jist of the conversation when she met the husband ...

Him: Hi OW want to get together?
Her: Hi, oh, I see you're married ... then I'm not interested (she's got standards)
Him: It's OK, I'm in an open marriage
Her: thinks that old chestnut?
Her: Can I get proof of that from your wife?
Him: Sure, this is her on FB (OW whatever SM fits)

OW then contacts the OP who confirms open marriage but then promptly throws a hissy fit due to jealousy/insecurity/things no longer going 100% her way/losing control of husband/money pig (delete as applicable)

OP then unilaterally changes the rules to ban husband from seeing OW. Husband agrees.

OW: I spoke to your wife, she confirmed open marriage.
Him: Knowing wife has "banned" him from continuing with OW Great, let's shag!

The only person here with any apparent integrity is the OW. The OP is hypocritical, controlling, insecure and probably jealous. The husband is deceitful and dishonest.

The OP and her husband need to stop all this open marriage crap, stop involving other people in their messed up lives, and reassess whether they should even be together in what seems to be a sham of a relationship.

Chickychoccyegg · 12/08/2023 10:16

Your jealous op, but you'll need to deal with that, your married to a man but also got a girlfriend, now your annoyed that this new person your dh is having sex with has contacted you, which is obviously a good thing, to check he's not lying about being in an open marriage, he only lied because he likes her, and you decided that no, with massive double standards, you don't want him to see her again? Lol, tough, you can't be cheated on in the setup you've created, which is my opinion sounds horrible, what's really the point in being in a committed relationship with someone, if your both also going to have other longterm relationships outwith the marriage?

AnneAnon · 12/08/2023 10:17

I know two (former) couples who had open marriages.

both failed because in each case one of them simply fell in love with someone else.

just people who don’t have the spine to accept their marriage is over. The very definition of flogging a dead horse.

MrsMorrisey · 12/08/2023 10:18

CrazyArmadilloLady · 12/08/2023 09:11

I always find it so funny when people come onto MN, of all places, with their off-piste scenario, looking for advice.

People can post wherever they want, of course, but MN?! A parenting forum? I mean, did you take a wrong turn on t’internet and get lost, @katfrat ? Grin I know, I’ll go on MN! It just seems really unworldly sweet.

Surely there are discussion forums for people in open relationships, where you can get advice and input from like-minded souls, with actual experience of running the gauntlet of open relationships. Or, as the pp referred to it, ‘kink’.

I’m sure the OP is sitting there reading these replies, thinking we’re all a load of mundanes, who haven’t got a clue about anything.

Well, I mean, if you think that, why post here for advice in the first place….?

Brilliant

Seeingadistance · 12/08/2023 10:22

MiddleParking · 12/08/2023 07:16

SHE seems like drama???

😂That’s what I was thinking!

ZickZack · 12/08/2023 10:23

Yabu. She sounds like a decent person checking first. I mean what difference does it really make to you? Same end result. They have sex

Mirabai · 12/08/2023 10:24

thedancingbear · 12/08/2023 09:20

ee cummings

Show quote history

And goings.

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 10:30

Biffatcrafts · 12/08/2023 10:08

I feel sorry for the other woman in all this, she's the only one of the 3 that has shown any integrity.

Imagine the jist of the conversation when she met the husband ...

Him: Hi OW want to get together?
Her: Hi, oh, I see you're married ... then I'm not interested (she's got standards)
Him: It's OK, I'm in an open marriage
Her: thinks that old chestnut?
Her: Can I get proof of that from your wife?
Him: Sure, this is her on FB (OW whatever SM fits)

OW then contacts the OP who confirms open marriage but then promptly throws a hissy fit due to jealousy/insecurity/things no longer going 100% her way/losing control of husband/money pig (delete as applicable)

OP then unilaterally changes the rules to ban husband from seeing OW. Husband agrees.

OW: I spoke to your wife, she confirmed open marriage.
Him: Knowing wife has "banned" him from continuing with OW Great, let's shag!

The only person here with any apparent integrity is the OW. The OP is hypocritical, controlling, insecure and probably jealous. The husband is deceitful and dishonest.

The OP and her husband need to stop all this open marriage crap, stop involving other people in their messed up lives, and reassess whether they should even be together in what seems to be a sham of a relationship.

If I met someone who was in an open marriage, genuine or not, it would be a massive turn off for me. Even as a kid I’d rather my parents were divorced than in an open marriage. I just don’t get the point of it.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 12/08/2023 10:31

SorrentoLemon · 12/08/2023 09:32

She didn't say she didn't want to know at all. She said she didn't want contact with the OW (which is fine). Her husband agreed not to see the OW but did anyway - he lied, and that was wrong.

Show quote history

Yes it does.

In her OP it says twice that she didn’t want to know who he was having sex with, which is why she was annoyed this OW reached out.

She does not get to decide who he can and cannot have sex with without good reason.
The woman reaching out to her is not a good reason.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/08/2023 10:32

CrazyArmadilloLady · 12/08/2023 09:11

I always find it so funny when people come onto MN, of all places, with their off-piste scenario, looking for advice.

People can post wherever they want, of course, but MN?! A parenting forum? I mean, did you take a wrong turn on t’internet and get lost, @katfrat ? Grin I know, I’ll go on MN! It just seems really unworldly sweet.

Surely there are discussion forums for people in open relationships, where you can get advice and input from like-minded souls, with actual experience of running the gauntlet of open relationships. Or, as the pp referred to it, ‘kink’.

I’m sure the OP is sitting there reading these replies, thinking we’re all a load of mundanes, who haven’t got a clue about anything.

Well, I mean, if you think that, why post here for advice in the first place….?

Quite often I’m very sure they’re started so that anyone else who mentions being in an open marriage or a swinger can end up being the target of another of the OP’s IDs to have a go at their relationship

ThreeRingCircus · 12/08/2023 10:33

Well done to that woman for checking in. She has her own boundaries and it was entirely reasonable of her to verify what he was telling her.

But your marriage is doomed to fail. You're clearly jealous and trying to control the situation to your own benefit. You get to have a girlfriend but he can only have random shags as no decent woman will accept him saying he's in an open marriage without wanting to verify that with you.

When your husband meets someone he's emotionally invested in and gets bored of you trying to control his relationships while having one yourself then this marriage is over. I suggest you get prepared.

Biffatcrafts · 12/08/2023 10:35

I agree @willWillSmithsmith it would be a firm no from me too. But if the OW is prepared to, and has assured herself that the open marriage claim is true, then that is her business.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 12/08/2023 10:44

I’m pretty sure open marriages don’t allow being in a relationship with another person.

If it’s solely a sex thing then why are you calling her your gf.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2023 10:45

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/08/2023 07:11

She sounds great. Definitely the kind of sister we need in the world. Boundaries, checking in, what a woman.

Exactly. She was protecting you as well as herself.

Lemieux7 · 12/08/2023 10:46

Well, you've discovered that 'opening up' a marriage is the same as opening Pandora's box. I have no idea why anyone tries to convince themselves that this is a life they feel secure with.

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 10:47

Biffatcrafts · 12/08/2023 10:35

I agree @willWillSmithsmith it would be a firm no from me too. But if the OW is prepared to, and has assured herself that the open marriage claim is true, then that is her business.

Oh yes absolutely. It may even suit her if she doesn’t want to be tied down. Just not for me.

crostini · 12/08/2023 10:47

I can't believe you're saying SHE has a lack of boundaries. The whole concept of open marriage is a lack of boundaries

TimesRwo · 12/08/2023 10:47

Caprisunny · 12/08/2023 09:47

So why has all @Bigflop posts been deleted.

You know the one that seemed to know far more back ground about Ops situation than has been posted about. Also the one that was very passionate about telling everyone how wrong they were and how eight Op was. Almost like they were the Op.

But if that was true surely MN would take it down?

Especially when @Bigflop has never posted but was very very active in this thread depending the OP!