Page 9 | Partner out while I'm stuck in the hotel room

BlueMediterranean · 2023-08-11T19:21:02+00:00

I could really use your perspective on this. Currently on a short coastal break with my partner and our toddler. Our little one's bedtime is set at 8 pm, and my partner wants to head out for dinner and drinks afterward, leaving me with our child. He's willing to bring back food, but I can't shake the feeling that this is a bit selfish. Am I overreacting, or should I address this? Would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

SD1978 · 12/08/2023 01:05

Is there a spectate area to sit- or is it juts a hotel room? It does sound pretty miserable if all in the same room, having to sit quietly from 7pm onwards with television low for 4 days, with a sleeping toddler- but he shouldn't be a cow ring you to be doing that every night alone as that's the holiday you agreed on. I'd also go stuff it to bedtime and keep up the child longer until they were ready to sleep- routine in a box doesn't sound much fun for any of you!

Lookingatthesunset · 12/08/2023 01:10

Don't let this happen again!!!

TheLadyofShalott1 · 12/08/2023 01:15

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/08/2023 23:25

@Yellowflower47

well on holiday it should be about making sure everyone gets some time to do what they want to do. OP’s husband obviously didn’t want to go to bed at 8pm, he wanted to watch the footie. So he did. No big deal. Tomorrow night Op can go out on her own to a nice wine bar with her book or whatever. What’s the issue?!

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The issue @LuckySantangelo35 is that the OP's partner wouldn't agree to her going out and leaving him to put to bed a baby/toddler - that he has probably made no attempt at helping the OP to wean their dear child on to at least the occassional bottle of milk for his or her last bottle of the day - in fact I think he has probably made a brilliant job of making the OP feel like she would be a terrible mother if she even considered it. I have the impression that it suits him just fine to not have to be the one to put the baby to sleep every night. It may be unfair that going by only a few posts made by the OP I feel like I know quite accurately what type of partner and father this man is, A Lazy and Self-Centered One.

But then I think I can see through your agenda too...

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2023 01:18

Liverpoolgirl50 · 11/08/2023 21:29

And it really irks me when people say ‘stick them in the buggy and take them to the pub’.

We attempted to do a pub quiz one night with a 1yo, she literally wanted to clamber over the table/us, wriggled around and absolutely would not settle in the pram. Had to call it early and go back to the room where she then cried for an hour as she was overtired. It just doesn’t work for some babies.

Dd was like this and from quite young. She thrived on a rigid routine. The neighbour suggested I try Gina Ford when dd was a couple of months old because her sleep was atrocious. Before that it was: day 1 no sleep all day, cranky overtired baby, day 2 so sleepy she struggled to feed enough, day 3 normal baby. Rinse, repeat.

No way would she have fallen asleep in a buggy. I was massively pleased when she finally fell asleep at about 9/10 months whilst we were browsing the shops after lunch in town with NCT friends as by that stage she would only sleep in her bed, the car or brisk long walks. My friend’s ds was even worse. And woe betide you if you tried to deviate from the sleep or feeding schedule for either.

At 18 months, we took dd to a&e. She was still awake at gone 11pm. A woman took dd and rocked her to sleep for us, which was fab as we needed her calm for an ecg.

I was jealous of the people, who could put their kids in the buggy and they’d just sleep and amazed they could still do it age 4 or 5.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 12/08/2023 02:00

Gymnopedie · 12/08/2023 00:58

@TheLadyofShalott1
That's one hell of a stretch from where this started.

Yes it is isn't it @Gymnopedie😂

I am in my 60's now, and I can't remember any deepset issues I had with the father of my children. When we were on holiday we all stayed up - and often out - until about 10 or even 11 at night if there had been some good entertainment to watch, and they still got back into school night routines when necessary. I also breastfed my babies.

What I think has caused my sudden tirade is me being on Mumsnet too much, especially the AIBU and Relationship threads. For obvious reasons we don't tend to make posts on those forums when things are going really well in our lives, so there tends to be some pretty grusome and terribly sad stories to read, often even daily it seems to me. So I think maybe I have got so upset on other peoples behalfs that my neurons aren't all firing on the correct synapses, and/or at the right times!

If I have misjudged the OP's partner then
a) I doubt he will know about it, and
b) I doubt that he would care what some old biddy with too much time on her hands thinks, but
c) Just in case I have erroneously upset him, I give him my heartfelt apologies.

fullbloom87 · 12/08/2023 02:07

The whole thing seems weird.
You're on a family break so why aren't you all having dinner together?
And why does your toddler have to go to bed at 8? Why not all go out together. Being this rigid just makes your life hard and boring when it doesn't have to be.
Why on earth would he want to go out alone? There has to more to this then just a food need.

LordSalem · 12/08/2023 02:56

This thread... breastfeeding kids that could chew steak. Routines should be altered before the kids start school but if you're happy and you know it clap yer boobs (Ow!)
Actually getting to go on holiday, small kids asleep... Go out into the balcony if you have one. Watch the sunset with a drink in your hand. Absolute peace.
Only complication is the man. Can he be trusted even to come in quietly and then be a available for holiday activities the next morning?

ZolaBudd · 12/08/2023 02:59

No. But I did know if a family member who also displayed behaviour like this who was an addict. 🤷‍♀️

wombat1a · 12/08/2023 03:01

Honestly don't see a problem with this, why should both of you be stuck in the hotel room in the evening when one of you can go out and have a drink?

Mikimoto · 12/08/2023 03:05

"Toddler only settles with me" sounds a bit like mother-martyr syndrome...

EconomyClassRockstar · 12/08/2023 03:46

I am so glad I gave birth 18+ years ago when this kind of shit was just acknowledged for what it is. Dumb.And, NO! This isn’t ok!

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 12/08/2023 03:48

Just take your child out and get some food with him! You can take a sleeping toddler out in a pram when on holiday surely?

momonpurpose · 12/08/2023 03:59

19lottie82 · 11/08/2023 22:00

Very selfish behaviour. Is there any
chance he's a drug user?

oh FFS 🤣 classic mumsnet ….. husband fancies a pint and watching the football and he’s a smack head!

Christ I must be a drug addict because I never go on holiday and am in bed at 8.

JaneSeeMore · 12/08/2023 04:17

Well, that changed a bit. Your original post made it seem like he’d left you alone without having had anything to eat.

Why don’t you just speak to him and tell him how you feel?

Noicant · 12/08/2023 04:50

Stickworm · 11/08/2023 21:07

This is one of the reasons we actually try to avoid hotels now at all costs and get somewhere with separate living/sleeping spaces so once kids are asleep we actually have somewhere to sit in the light and not have to whisper 🤣 I feel your pain OP both my kids only want me at night time. If we do have to stay in a hotel I actually send my husband out now as he gets in the way! But usually just for a wander/to the shop, he wouldn’t go off for hours for dinner and drinks. I understand how that just make you feel terribly alone and it’s unfair.

Yup we only do apartments now, it’s more of a hassle in some ways but it means at least we have some downtime together.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 12/08/2023 04:58

BlueMediterranean · 11/08/2023 20:32

Our little one only settles down with me at night time so I can't do the same.

He went on his own.

We got some food in the afternoon but he says is too many hours without eating so he really needs to go out and eat something after 8, otherwise he will be hungry at night.

Is that you saying this or him?

Ofcourse you can go out on your own after little one is asleep, if he wakes up and Dad cant settle him he can just hold the fort till your back.

Hes been out for 2 hours, if he can't cope with looking after a sleeping child for 2 hours so you can do the same then you have bigger problems.

maras2 · 12/08/2023 05:01

My thoughts are that he's a selfish prick.

Cowlover89 · 12/08/2023 05:08

Katieg27 · 11/08/2023 21:05

Your child doesn’t need to be breasted at that age! Go out with them in the pushchair and enjoy your holiday! Don’t be a martyr op!

Nothing wrong with being breastfed still 🙄

Totalwasteofpaper · 12/08/2023 05:09

BlueMediterranean · 11/08/2023 20:32

Our little one only settles down with me at night time so I can't do the same.

He went on his own.

We got some food in the afternoon but he says is too many hours without eating so he really needs to go out and eat something after 8, otherwise he will be hungry at night.

Both of these are crocks of shit.

My DH is perfectly capable of putting our Dzd to bed. Because he is a ful equal parent. He is up her now (at 5am) as shes teeting while i arseabout on mumsnet try and get some sleep. If your DH cant do it its high time he learned.

Unless he is an undiagnosed diabetic he doesnt need to eat at 9pm. Dinner as a family at 6-7.30 and he can buy some crisps/ packet of biscuits for later in the evening if desperate.

Double up on contraceptive, it transpires you've bred with a duffer.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 12/08/2023 05:17

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2023 01:18

Dd was like this and from quite young. She thrived on a rigid routine. The neighbour suggested I try Gina Ford when dd was a couple of months old because her sleep was atrocious. Before that it was: day 1 no sleep all day, cranky overtired baby, day 2 so sleepy she struggled to feed enough, day 3 normal baby. Rinse, repeat.

No way would she have fallen asleep in a buggy. I was massively pleased when she finally fell asleep at about 9/10 months whilst we were browsing the shops after lunch in town with NCT friends as by that stage she would only sleep in her bed, the car or brisk long walks. My friend’s ds was even worse. And woe betide you if you tried to deviate from the sleep or feeding schedule for either.

At 18 months, we took dd to a&e. She was still awake at gone 11pm. A woman took dd and rocked her to sleep for us, which was fab as we needed her calm for an ecg.

I was jealous of the people, who could put their kids in the buggy and they’d just sleep and amazed they could still do it age 4 or 5.

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Yes! Neither of my children would want or be able to sleep in a pushchair out and about. They love their cot/bed. I wouldn’t be able to sleep in a pushchair either!

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2023 05:33

Newname211 · 11/08/2023 21:35

It only doesn’t work for babies who have normally got rigid routines. So if you are the kind of family who do six part bedtime routines; then baby expects that at night and it becomes difficult to break.

However, if you are generally pretty flexible, then babies are more able to respond to changes in their routine.

One isn’t better than the other; but it’s hardly surprising that a baby who is used to having a flexible routine responds better to flexes in routine than one who has a rigid routine.

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I gave my experience upthread, I had no intention of having dd in a rigid routine. My life and hers was hell until I did. She was only happy if I stuck to it.

Crapsummer2023 · 12/08/2023 05:43

Next time book somewhere where you’re not all stuck in the same area, that way you can stay up without being held hostage by a toddler. I also wouldn’t want to be stuck in a quiet room with the lights down at 8pm.

Also DH needs to be more involved in bedtime. I know some mums like to do all of the time for martyrdom or to feel special but they are just creating rods for their own backs. The baby can be trained into a new routine.

Beetleback · 12/08/2023 06:17

It’s often said on mumsnet that when holidaying with small children you should engineer things so both parents get a bit of a break, even if you can’t always do it together. So I think fine fotvhim to go to the pub for a couple of hours, but you need some time you yourself too. If bedtimes/evenings are a problem, then you can grab a couple of hours during the day for a coffee and magazine, mooch in the shops or whatever floats your boat.

Some babies/toddlers do thrive on routine and disrupting it isn’t helpful. It’s not great that you’re the only one who can settle them, but it’s not going to be forever. Meanwhile there’s no point in you both being a martyr 24/7. You BOTH deserve a break.

JMSA · 12/08/2023 06:24

You've made a bit of a rod for your own back, OP, both in terms of your rigidity around bedtime and you doing all the bedtime legwork.
An 8pm bedtime on holiday would do my head in, and I'd have cabin fever.

EasterIssland · 12/08/2023 07:47

LordSalem · 12/08/2023 02:56

This thread... breastfeeding kids that could chew steak. Routines should be altered before the kids start school but if you're happy and you know it clap yer boobs (Ow!)
Actually getting to go on holiday, small kids asleep... Go out into the balcony if you have one. Watch the sunset with a drink in your hand. Absolute peace.
Only complication is the man. Can he be trusted even to come in quietly and then be a available for holiday activities the next morning?

Oh god a child breastfeeding when they can eat a steak! Arrest the mum !! How dare they!