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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner out while I'm stuck in the hotel room

286 replies

BlueMediterranean · 11/08/2023 20:21

I could really use your perspective on this. Currently on a short coastal break with my partner and our toddler.

Our little one's bedtime is set at 8 pm, and my partner wants to head out for dinner and drinks afterward, leaving me with our child.

He's willing to bring back food, but I can't shake the feeling that this is a bit selfish.

Am I overreacting, or should I address this? Would love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks!

OP posts:
Cucucucu · 11/08/2023 22:49

MelroseGrainger · 11/08/2023 22:38

What am I reading? Someone on holiday isn’t allowed some personal time to enjoy themselves instead of being stuck in a silent dark hotel room with two sleeping people?

I have no idea why so many people here want everyone to be miserable along with them.

It’s not a fun situation for you OP, I’m sorry. Sounds tough to be the only one to be able to put your child to sleep. So I’d make changing that your priority so that you can go out and enjoy some time on your own next time. Good luck.

What I consider a good normal partner would help out baby to sleep and bring in a great meal and drink and find something they could both enjoy as watching a movie .

Notbeinfunnehbut · 11/08/2023 22:52

Demand that you get some time to yourself even if it’s earlier in the day

IWantOutDoI · 11/08/2023 22:56

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 11/08/2023 20:28

So do you not have dinner till 10-11ish if he's bringing it back after he's done?

Why aren't you all going out to eat together before DC goes to sleep? Or putting DC in a pushchair and letting them fall asleep while you're out?

This.

It is a holiday, your child bedtime routine won’t be ruined for the foreseeable future by falling asleep in his pushchair during a holiday.

You may say that bed time routine is essential but it is more important to teach your husband that you are also important, part of the break and he cannot leave you alone with the childcare so he has fun on his own (it is a slippery slope so start as you plan to go by)

Cherrysoup · 11/08/2023 22:59

He’s unreasonable to leave you when you’re on holiday and I’d be fuming. Is there no way you could go too? Just take the toddler? Mother used to haul me everywhere as a baby.

WellPlaced · 11/08/2023 23:00

The Premier football season started tonight

whynotwhatknot · 11/08/2023 23:02

yo9u had dinner at 6 and hes hungry?

nah

Charrington · 11/08/2023 23:03

I always find the advice that you need to change your baby’s routines to accommodate the needs of the big toddler you married so bloody depressing. It’s like a parody of the 1950’s pipe and slippers advice.

It’s such a short season of life. If dh had a problem with it, it was only that he couldn’t help with breastfeeding so he compensated by doing other things to help.

And the decisions about routines weren’t joint: dh took the lead from me and trusted my judgement as the person who spent most time with the dc.

We started out being chilled about routines until we recognised that ds (who was eventually diagnosed as asd) really needed that. But as adults, we could be adaptable in our routines; order room service and watch a movie together, or switch to an earlier dinner.

I could totally see a situation where dh might be peckish and nip out while I was putting the baby down, but he’d be checking I was ok, asking if I wanted something brought back. There’s nothing wrong with needing a break or time to
yourself; dh took advantage of the opportunities but repaid them in the afternoon to give me a break too.

whynotwhatknot · 11/08/2023 23:07

is noone pickingup on this ate at 6 then 8?

has he got worms

Clymene · 11/08/2023 23:07

WellPlaced · 11/08/2023 23:00

The Premier football season started tonight

Yeah, he's not been out eating dinner, he's been watching Man City thrash Burnley

Yellowflower47 · 11/08/2023 23:08

Your partner is rude. This isn’t a holiday, he’s just thinking of himself.

Gymnopedie · 11/08/2023 23:08

OP you're in the UK so the timings on your posts aren't affected by time zones.
At quarter to nine you wrote that he'd said he wanted to go out again as you were both going to go to bed, ie before you made that post. And you were surprised he wanted to go out 'that late'.

I think you need to unclench a little. 8.30 on holiday is not 'that late'.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 11/08/2023 23:19

I get why this feels unfair. But this is supposed to be a holiday and you're in bed by 8pm so you can feed the baby to sleep. There's not a hope in hell I would want to do that.

My third used to feed to sleep at this age and this is why I weaned him off the boob and into his own room and bed. You can't have it both ways - I don't think it's far to expect your husband to want to go to bed before it's even got dark just because of the decision you have made to feed your child to sleep.

Zonder · 11/08/2023 23:21

BlueMediterranean · 11/08/2023 22:02

Thanks everyone. He is back now, he just got dinner in a restaurant

That's so selfish.

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/08/2023 23:25

Yellowflower47 · 11/08/2023 23:08

Your partner is rude. This isn’t a holiday, he’s just thinking of himself.

@Yellowflower47

well on holiday it should be about making sure everyone gets some time to do what they want to do. OP’s husband obviously didn’t want to go to bed at 8pm, he wanted to watch the footie. So he did. No big deal. Tomorrow night Op can go out on her own to a nice wine bar with her book or whatever. What’s the issue?!

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/08/2023 23:28

BlueMediterranean · 11/08/2023 20:43

We got dinner a bit earlier than normal but not too late and he said he wanted to go out when we were getting ready to go to bed. I'm not hungry but I found very odd that he wanted to go out this late. He also said to have a beer and find a pub to watch sport.

I'm feeling very down, is like he doesn't want to spend time with us.

@BlueMediterranean

going out at 8pm/8.30pm isn’t late. Especially when you are on holiday

workworkworkugh · 11/08/2023 23:38

I'm confused, so you all had dinner together at 6pm and he's just had another full dinner two hours later? Weird.

When our kids were younger we would either have dinner together at normal time and take snacks back to the room and have a drink and chat together after the kids were in bed or the kids would just stay up a bit later.

RightOnTheEdge · 11/08/2023 23:43

He's willing to bring back food,
Wow! That's big of him! What a gent 🙄

So you ate dinner at 6pm and then he went for another dinner at 8pm?
He must cost a fortune in groceries! Is he OK?

Cosycover · 11/08/2023 23:46

I'd be wanting to see that dinner reciept

MelroseGrainger · 12/08/2023 00:08

Cucucucu · 11/08/2023 22:49

What I consider a good normal partner would help out baby to sleep and bring in a great meal and drink and find something they could both enjoy as watching a movie .

They already had dinner. She wasn’t hungry again, he was. She didn’t say to him that she wanted him to stay and watch a movie with her. Perhaps he would have very happily done that. But what he wanted to some time alone to go out and have a drink while on holiday. That’s ok too. That doesn’t make him a bad partner.

I would have completely understood if my husband had done the same. I would have also felt a bit sorry for myself being stuck inside with the toddler, and a bit envious that I couldn’t do the same (so I sympathise with the OP), but I wouldn’t think it made him a bad partner. I’d want him to enjoy his holiday too.

But misery loves company I guess.

CallieQ · 12/08/2023 00:39

BlueMediterranean · 11/08/2023 20:21

I could really use your perspective on this. Currently on a short coastal break with my partner and our toddler.

Our little one's bedtime is set at 8 pm, and my partner wants to head out for dinner and drinks afterward, leaving me with our child.

He's willing to bring back food, but I can't shake the feeling that this is a bit selfish.

Am I overreacting, or should I address this? Would love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks!

Could you get a babysitter

Scienceadvisory · 12/08/2023 00:52

FabFitFifties · 11/08/2023 21:53

Very selfish behaviour. Is there any chance he's a drug user?

What the hell? A drug user because he doesn't want to go to bed at 8pm while on holiday? That's a pretty impressive imagination you have.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 12/08/2023 00:52

So this is your life now @BlueMediterranean for the forseeable future.

One of you will be wanting another baby soon.

It will be either you, because you get lonely with it just being you to get the baby to sleep and no doubt having to cope with many other things on your own too, mixed in with our stupid hormones that make us long for another screaming, pooing, puking, gorgeous, giggling, glorious bundle of wriggling arms and legs, and the true unconditional love that our young children give us, and that hopefully we give them back in spades;

or him,

Because from at least 8 O'clock in the evening, he can slouch down in his favourite chair, drink some beer (hopefully not smoke a fag?), watch his favourite TV - sport or inane comics (sorry, but I find it very hard to find anything funny about most modern day comedians - but that's just my personal hang-up - give me The Big Yin, or the two Ronnies, or Morcombe and Wise, or Sarah Millican, or our dear late departed Victoria Wood, yes I do know that most of the others are now dead too, they could all make me howl, but today's comics, I just don't understand the humour, but I am sure it must be me, not them...), maybe even watch some soft porn or play on his Xbox, until you come back down knackered, wanting a cuddle and a relax - oops, does he take you wanting a cuddle as meaning you are up for something else, so then you have to ward off his mauling paws as well?
If he impregnates you, he continues to have it all his own way for even longer, much longer...

Or OP you could stop being his own personal slave wonder woman. He doesn't seem to have much respect for you, or put you (and his dear child) above everyone else - well basically him, I doubt anyone else in his life comes above him - so if you just STOP, your dear 14 month old baby could have a bottle of your expressed milk given to him or her by their loving, doting, father, holding them in his arms, and gazing adoringly into their eyes as baby's eyes start to droop as they get heavier and H E A v i e r..... Z Z z z zz z z z. Oh dear that isn't baby snoring is it?

Anyway OP, I think that your partner would start respecting you much more if you stopped letting him walk all over you, and if he doesn't then please don't have another baby with him - I promise you that there are far better partners and dads out there, they might take a bit of searching for, but if you don't find one straight away (in fact please don't even try to, work on getting your own self-esteem right where it should be to start with, and understand and believe that you are worthy of being properly loved - including by yourself - and really respected!) living with only your own needs and your baby's, to meet and fulfill them on your own is so empowering, and so freeing. 🩷💐

Scienceadvisory · 12/08/2023 00:54

Yellowflower47 · 11/08/2023 23:08

Your partner is rude. This isn’t a holiday, he’s just thinking of himself.

Going to bed after putting the baby down at 8 isn't a holiday.

readingmynightaway · 12/08/2023 00:58

Stressfordays · 11/08/2023 20:34

Why don't you sack the bedtime off and go out together? There is no way I'd sit in a hotel room from 8pm on holiday. Mine have all just stayed up and flaked out when they were knackered.

I would also, earlier and change things.

Gymnopedie · 12/08/2023 00:58

@TheLadyofShalott1
That's one hell of a stretch from where this started.

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