Page 7 | Partner out while I'm stuck in the hotel room

BlueMediterranean · 2023-08-11T19:21:02+00:00

I could really use your perspective on this. Currently on a short coastal break with my partner and our toddler. Our little one's bedtime is set at 8 pm, and my partner wants to head out for dinner and drinks afterward, leaving me with our child. He's willing to bring back food, but I can't shake the feeling that this is a bit selfish. Am I overreacting, or should I address this? Would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

KajsaKavat · 11/08/2023 22:03

Of the child is a toddler you could have them in a wraparound carrier and they could sleep while you both had dinner out. People make things so difficult for themselves with rigid bedtimes.

TrishM80 · 11/08/2023 22:04

Having to be stuck in a hotel room from 8pm sounds like a miserable holiday.

Guiltridden12345 · 11/08/2023 22:05

Not read full thread but some thoughts. Breastfeeding to sleep rules out husband help so either knock that routine on head or accept it’s constraints. If you’re all in one room, what could you possibly do anyway (together or separately) while baby sleeps? If there’s a separate bedroom then i agree you and he can have an evening together (although my other half likes a pub drink and I’m not bothered so he’ll often pop out and I honestly don’t mind, live and let live). If all in one room then I can understand why one of you would want to escape as surely you can’t do anything? In which case hotel holidays don’t work for you unless you abandon baby bedtime and have a nice time out together? I was a stickler on bedtimes when mine were young, even on holiday, and in retrospect it was overkill. It was my way of controlling some part of a totally uncontrollable roller coaster of parenting. Better for baby that mum and dad are having a lovely holiday. If you can, throw caution to the wind and have a great evening out all three of you tomorrow!

notacooldad · 11/08/2023 22:07

When we had babies and toddlers we would head back to the room or apartment a little late than te kids bed time. We would eat earlier and have wine and snacks in the room or balcony. DH would never suggest going ou alone. A couple of times I encouraged him to go to the bar in the hotel but that was more for me to have my own space once the children had settled.

Sthenos · 11/08/2023 22:07

Hotel rooms and babies are very tricky. Exactly as others have said, we’d try and get one with a separate living area so we could at least have a drink and snacks together in the evening. It’s really no fun sitting whispering in the dark. To me, an early night is 10pm not 8pm!

However, my DH would never have left me alone in a hotel room on holiday.

However OP it’s a shame that your DH (or anyone else) can’t ever put the baby to bed. Does that mean you haven’t had a night out since baby was born over a year ago?

I am definitely for breast feeding (I bf all 3 of mine). Once they were old enough to take a bottle of milk, DH would put them to bed so that I could have an evening out with friends. It made such a difference, it helped him to bond with the DCs, and I wouldn’t then resent him a night out either. Of course the baby wants mum but they soon learn that dad is good at bedtime too!

I think you have made a rod for your own back being the only one who can put your baby to bed, they aren’t a newborn.

Ladyj84 · 11/08/2023 22:09

3 toddlers home bedtime is 7 but on holiday that eased as a holiday is for fun and relaxing for all but never in a million years could I see hubby leaving me in alone lol that's weird. Same as our teatime is usually 5ish but on holiday no set rule wherever we end up

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 11/08/2023 22:11

Whether you're being unreasonable depends on whether your little one's sleep behaviour is a joint decision. At 14 months they should really be able to take a bottle and/ or sleep in a buggy out and about. If you are loving breastfeeding (which I'd totally get) and haven't made a lot of effort to integrate DP into feeding and bedtimes - then you YABU. If your DP has never shown any interest/ refused to help then YANBU. Being stuck in a small hotel room whispering so an not to wake the little one sounds hard work - I think i'd run to the pub too. Anyway - your bedtime routine is the issue, not the holiday imo.

KnickerlessParsons · 11/08/2023 22:12

Our little one only settles down with me at night time so I can't do the same.

Well you need to sort that out. You can start by leaving the baby with DH tomorrow night. It's about time he learned to settle him at bedtime, and if he can't, the worse that can happen is a grumpy baby the next day.

Cornishclio · 11/08/2023 22:20

I would say the biggest issue is your bedtime routine then not the fact that your DH went out tonight for a few hours. If it is so rigid your toddler will only nurse to sleep does that mean you don't go out ever? If they wake at night do they need to be fed back to sleep? As someone else pointed out then if you do not make some changes there you are pretty much ruling out all help at night for you and if you are ill then what happens then?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 11/08/2023 22:21

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 11/08/2023 22:11

Whether you're being unreasonable depends on whether your little one's sleep behaviour is a joint decision. At 14 months they should really be able to take a bottle and/ or sleep in a buggy out and about. If you are loving breastfeeding (which I'd totally get) and haven't made a lot of effort to integrate DP into feeding and bedtimes - then you YABU. If your DP has never shown any interest/ refused to help then YANBU. Being stuck in a small hotel room whispering so an not to wake the little one sounds hard work - I think i'd run to the pub too. Anyway - your bedtime routine is the issue, not the holiday imo.

No 14 month old should be taking a bottle. Even formula fed babies should be weaned off bottles well before then and having their milk from a cup. Plus why should OP have to express milk anyway? Breastfeeding is about more than milk, it's comfort too. It's perfectly biologically normal for a breastfed child to want to settle to sleep on the boob.

I breastfed all of my children well into toddlerhood, but we didn't do strict routines, so this situation wouldn't have been an issue for us, children would have eaten out in a restaurant with us no matter what time it was.

User0224 · 11/08/2023 22:24

ReadingSoManyThreads · 11/08/2023 22:21

No 14 month old should be taking a bottle. Even formula fed babies should be weaned off bottles well before then and having their milk from a cup. Plus why should OP have to express milk anyway? Breastfeeding is about more than milk, it's comfort too. It's perfectly biologically normal for a breastfed child to want to settle to sleep on the boob.

I breastfed all of my children well into toddlerhood, but we didn't do strict routines, so this situation wouldn't have been an issue for us, children would have eaten out in a restaurant with us no matter what time it was.

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My child is 13 months and takes a bottle at bedtime, as do all the same-age babies of all my mum friends

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 11/08/2023 22:25

Liverpoolgirl50 · 11/08/2023 21:27

I actually really don’t think this is a big deal.. if my husband wanted to go watch football and have a beer I’d quite happily stay in the hotel room, watch films or aimlessly scroll in peace.. but I’d equally get my own time the next day at some point.. a massage/time to wander round the shops alone or just go for a cup of tea in peace.. you are on holiday after all, may as well get some relaxation time 😂

I kind of agree, although I feel like maybe there’s context we are missing. At that stage, if I truly wasn’t hungry and genuinely didn’t want to go out, I would have happily lounged in bed with a book while the baby slept and dp had a little explore out in the town. I wouldn’t have felt like he should stay silently with us in the room — why? It’s not like that’s quality time really.

Obviously if it looked like being a tough night, with the baby being wakeful or unwell or just generally a poor sleeper, that’s different.

I’d want a turn by day to scoot off and do my thing in a cafe or on the beach for a few hours’ peace.

Cucucucu · 11/08/2023 22:32

What am I reading ?so he is going out on his own for a meal and drinks ? What ?? You either go out as a family or not out at all

ReadingSoManyThreads · 11/08/2023 22:33

User0224 · 11/08/2023 22:24

My child is 13 months and takes a bottle at bedtime, as do all the same-age babies of all my mum friends

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NHS website even states that bottle feeding should be discouraged from 12months old:

Drinks and cups for babies and young children - NHS (www.nhs.uk)

Drinks and cups for babies and young children

Drinks for young children, including breast milk, infant formula, cows milk, fruit juice, water and squash, plus choosing a cup or beaker.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/weaning-and-feeding/drinks-and-cups-for-babies-and-young-children/

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 11/08/2023 22:33

ReadingSoManyThreads · 11/08/2023 22:21

No 14 month old should be taking a bottle. Even formula fed babies should be weaned off bottles well before then and having their milk from a cup. Plus why should OP have to express milk anyway? Breastfeeding is about more than milk, it's comfort too. It's perfectly biologically normal for a breastfed child to want to settle to sleep on the boob.

I breastfed all of my children well into toddlerhood, but we didn't do strict routines, so this situation wouldn't have been an issue for us, children would have eaten out in a restaurant with us no matter what time it was.

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My point wasn't really about the choice of alternative drinking vessel - only that if you want any freedom there should be one. If you choose to breastfeed and don't want to express - which is fine - then, in my opinion, you can't be offended if your DP buggers odd to the pub for a bit. It's a lovely experience for mother and child - but not one that should hold partner hostage. Especially if he's a drug addict 🙃

Toddlerteaplease · 11/08/2023 22:34

Bung the toddler in his pyjama in his buggy and go out.

Sugargliderwombat · 11/08/2023 22:35

Wait, you wanted to go to bed at 8? Its maybe a very badly planned holiday, maybe next time get an air bnb with a balcony or separate room so you can get a Takeaway x

ReadingSoManyThreads · 11/08/2023 22:35

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 11/08/2023 22:33

My point wasn't really about the choice of alternative drinking vessel - only that if you want any freedom there should be one. If you choose to breastfeed and don't want to express - which is fine - then, in my opinion, you can't be offended if your DP buggers odd to the pub for a bit. It's a lovely experience for mother and child - but not one that should hold partner hostage. Especially if he's a drug addict 🙃

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This partner being held hostage isn't because of her breastfeeding though. She's saying her baby needs a routine and needs to go to bed at 8pm etc. I personally have never known any breastfeeder, myself included to be stuck to such rigid bedtimes. Breastfeeding isn't the issue here...

User0224 · 11/08/2023 22:36

ReadingSoManyThreads · 11/08/2023 22:33

NHS website even states that bottle feeding should be discouraged from 12months old:

Drinks and cups for babies and young children - NHS (www.nhs.uk)

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That’s fine, but a lot of babies wont just magically adjust overnight because of NHS guidelines. Some wean slower, and that’s not worth worrying about if it’s a matter of a couple of months.

GuinnessBird · 11/08/2023 22:38

I'm sorry but toddler or not I would not be going to bed at 8PM whilst on holiday.

Are you planning on going to bed every night at 8PM?

MelroseGrainger · 11/08/2023 22:38

Cucucucu · 11/08/2023 22:32

What am I reading ?so he is going out on his own for a meal and drinks ? What ?? You either go out as a family or not out at all

What am I reading? Someone on holiday isn’t allowed some personal time to enjoy themselves instead of being stuck in a silent dark hotel room with two sleeping people?

I have no idea why so many people here want everyone to be miserable along with them.

It’s not a fun situation for you OP, I’m sorry. Sounds tough to be the only one to be able to put your child to sleep. So I’d make changing that your priority so that you can go out and enjoy some time on your own next time. Good luck.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 11/08/2023 22:40

User0224 · 11/08/2023 22:36

That’s fine, but a lot of babies wont just magically adjust overnight because of NHS guidelines. Some wean slower, and that’s not worth worrying about if it’s a matter of a couple of months.

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Yeah, I'm aware of that. That's why they say to start weaning them off bottles from around 6 months...that gives a whole 6 months to magically adjust to using a different vessel.

User0224 · 11/08/2023 22:42

ReadingSoManyThreads · 11/08/2023 22:40

Yeah, I'm aware of that. That's why they say to start weaning them off bottles from around 6 months...that gives a whole 6 months to magically adjust to using a different vessel.

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I’m not sure why this discussion is upsetting you. I’m just sharing the experience of every single mother I know (plus myself) with a baby of the same age. Saying “no 14 month old should be taking a bottle” isn’t helpful to anyone, least of all mothers whose babies haven’t successfully weaned off bottles yet.

WhateverMate · 11/08/2023 22:45

Honestly, we used to just walk around until ours fell asleep in the buggy and then go for a drink. Especially on a mild night.

Could you not try that tomorrow night OP and just see if it works? You might be surprised.

Toddler101 · 11/08/2023 22:47

Stressfordays · 11/08/2023 20:34

Why don't you sack the bedtime off and go out together? There is no way I'd sit in a hotel room from 8pm on holiday. Mine have all just stayed up and flaked out when they were knackered.

This! Routine goes out on holidays!