Page 10 | Partner out while I'm stuck in the hotel room

BlueMediterranean · 2023-08-11T19:21:02+00:00

I could really use your perspective on this. Currently on a short coastal break with my partner and our toddler. Our little one's bedtime is set at 8 pm, and my partner wants to head out for dinner and drinks afterward, leaving me with our child. He's willing to bring back food, but I can't shake the feeling that this is a bit selfish. Am I overreacting, or should I address this? Would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!

drpet49 · 12/08/2023 07:54

wombat1a · 12/08/2023 03:01

Honestly don't see a problem with this, why should both of you be stuck in the hotel room in the evening when one of you can go out and have a drink?

This

aSofaNearYou · 12/08/2023 08:22

The obvious thing for him to do was go out and buy some snacks and drinks and bring them back, and you guys chat/play card games. I can't imagine it ever occurring to my DP to do otherwise in these circumstances, I guess the only exception would be if you would basically just want to go to sleep and do nothing if he stayed. If you were up for spending the evening together chatting etc then I think this was pretty poor of him.

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/08/2023 09:10

TheLadyofShalott1 · 12/08/2023 00:52

So this is your life now @BlueMediterranean for the forseeable future.

One of you will be wanting another baby soon.

It will be either you, because you get lonely with it just being you to get the baby to sleep and no doubt having to cope with many other things on your own too, mixed in with our stupid hormones that make us long for another screaming, pooing, puking, gorgeous, giggling, glorious bundle of wriggling arms and legs, and the true unconditional love that our young children give us, and that hopefully we give them back in spades;

or him,

Because from at least 8 O'clock in the evening, he can slouch down in his favourite chair, drink some beer (hopefully not smoke a fag?), watch his favourite TV - sport or inane comics (sorry, but I find it very hard to find anything funny about most modern day comedians - but that's just my personal hang-up - give me The Big Yin, or the two Ronnies, or Morcombe and Wise, or Sarah Millican, or our dear late departed Victoria Wood, yes I do know that most of the others are now dead too, they could all make me howl, but today's comics, I just don't understand the humour, but I am sure it must be me, not them...), maybe even watch some soft porn or play on his Xbox, until you come back down knackered, wanting a cuddle and a relax - oops, does he take you wanting a cuddle as meaning you are up for something else, so then you have to ward off his mauling paws as well?
If he impregnates you, he continues to have it all his own way for even longer, much longer...

Or OP you could stop being his own personal slave wonder woman. He doesn't seem to have much respect for you, or put you (and his dear child) above everyone else - well basically him, I doubt anyone else in his life comes above him - so if you just STOP, your dear 14 month old baby could have a bottle of your expressed milk given to him or her by their loving, doting, father, holding them in his arms, and gazing adoringly into their eyes as baby's eyes start to droop as they get heavier and H E A v i e r..... Z Z z z zz z z z. Oh dear that isn't baby snoring is it?

Anyway OP, I think that your partner would start respecting you much more if you stopped letting him walk all over you, and if he doesn't then please don't have another baby with him - I promise you that there are far better partners and dads out there, they might take a bit of searching for, but if you don't find one straight away (in fact please don't even try to, work on getting your own self-esteem right where it should be to start with, and understand and believe that you are worthy of being properly loved - including by yourself - and really respected!) living with only your own needs and your baby's, to meet and fulfill them on your own is so empowering, and so freeing. 🩷💐

@TheLadyofShalott1

what a weird post

and not everyone with one child wants another you know

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/08/2023 09:11

TheLadyofShalott1 · 12/08/2023 01:15

The issue @LuckySantangelo35 is that the OP's partner wouldn't agree to her going out and leaving him to put to bed a baby/toddler - that he has probably made no attempt at helping the OP to wean their dear child on to at least the occassional bottle of milk for his or her last bottle of the day - in fact I think he has probably made a brilliant job of making the OP feel like she would be a terrible mother if she even considered it. I have the impression that it suits him just fine to not have to be the one to put the baby to sleep every night. It may be unfair that going by only a few posts made by the OP I feel like I know quite accurately what type of partner and father this man is, A Lazy and Self-Centered One.

But then I think I can see through your agenda too...

Show quote history

@TheLadyofShalott1

oh really? What is my “agenda”? Wanting some equality and for OP to be able to go out too? Well yeah - you got me there!

Catsbreakfast · 12/08/2023 09:14

ZolaBudd · 11/08/2023 20:33

Has your h got any issues with addiction ?

What a leap to make when an adult doesn’t want to go to bed at 8pm or be stuck indoors on holiday at that time.

op, was this not discussed when you booked it? What were your expectations regarding food, evenings etc?

BeverleyMacker · 12/08/2023 09:18

Selfish. Is OH doing anything to try and get child used to settling with him to give you a break?

ZolaBudd · 12/08/2023 11:14

Catsbreakfast · 12/08/2023 09:14

What a leap to make when an adult doesn’t want to go to bed at 8pm or be stuck indoors on holiday at that time.

op, was this not discussed when you booked it? What were your expectations regarding food, evenings etc?

Show quote history

as I already said further down, this is resonant of a family member with addiction (it transpired)

HappiDaze · 12/08/2023 13:17

But you're on holiday so normally the DC will come with you and sleep in a buggy or sit with you

Are you not open to trying this and insisting on staying in the room to settle your DC instead of trying to go out and see if how it goes ??

If I were your DH and you were adamant about DC bedtime and staying in room and not trying to take him out I'd be really frustrated and probably also just leave to eat as is he expliding inside wanting to tell you to give it a go at least.

I used to take my DC out all the time in the evenings and they'd just sleep in the buggy as babies or sit with us in restaurants. Therefore they were very acclimatised from a young age

HappiDaze · 12/08/2023 13:22

Your baby needs to fit around your life not you around his especially on holiday

Saying you were all getting ready for bed at 8pm is just ridiculous especially on holiday

I'd be bored out of my mind if this was now my life. I'd shove my DC in a buggy and go out somewhere to have fun on my coastal break

XelaM · 12/08/2023 15:13

HappiDaze · 12/08/2023 13:22

Your baby needs to fit around your life not you around his especially on holiday

Saying you were all getting ready for bed at 8pm is just ridiculous especially on holiday

I'd be bored out of my mind if this was now my life. I'd shove my DC in a buggy and go out somewhere to have fun on my coastal break

Exactly this!!!!

My baby always fit around my life - not the other way around, especially on holidays! I actually took my daughter to Portugal when she was a toddler with my childfree (and child-hating 😂) best friend and we had a great time. I popped my daughter in the pushchair, took her to all the restaurants and bars we went to and she just slept next to our table. Obviously I didn't get blinding drunk, but I could have dinner and a cocktail or two🍸 I definitely did not make my friend go to bed at 8pm. My daughter also had a great time with us. Kids don't have to mean you're not allowed to do anything post 8pm!

Mikimoto · 12/08/2023 16:34

"Bitty. Bitty, mummy".
"Oh, all RIGHT, dear".

Mumof2teens79 · 12/08/2023 16:45

This is why I never found hotels especially helpful once we had kids.
But it's not that he doesn’t want to spend time with you, LO will be asleep and he doesn’t want to go to bed at 8pm

I don't think it's realistic to expect to both sit in the room from 8pm so it makes sense for him to go out.

LO will only settle for you/on boob
He is hungry, you are not
Men are more comfortable going for food/drink alone
There was football on the TV in most bars

By contrast OH often did bedtime with our kids, and doesn't drink very often, so if and when we did spend a night in a hotel he would stay in room and put kids to bed, and I would go and read my book in the bar/lounge with a glass of wine.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/08/2023 17:21

Mikimoto · 12/08/2023 16:34

"Bitty. Bitty, mummy".
"Oh, all RIGHT, dear".

Your ignorance is showing.

Mumof2teens79 · 12/08/2023 17:58

TheLadyofShalott1 · 12/08/2023 01:15

The issue @LuckySantangelo35 is that the OP's partner wouldn't agree to her going out and leaving him to put to bed a baby/toddler - that he has probably made no attempt at helping the OP to wean their dear child on to at least the occassional bottle of milk for his or her last bottle of the day - in fact I think he has probably made a brilliant job of making the OP feel like she would be a terrible mother if she even considered it. I have the impression that it suits him just fine to not have to be the one to put the baby to sleep every night. It may be unfair that going by only a few posts made by the OP I feel like I know quite accurately what type of partner and father this man is, A Lazy and Self-Centered One.

But then I think I can see through your agenda too...

Show quote history

Where did you get that from in any of the OPs posts??

Mumof2teens79 · 12/08/2023 18:03

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2023 01:18

Dd was like this and from quite young. She thrived on a rigid routine. The neighbour suggested I try Gina Ford when dd was a couple of months old because her sleep was atrocious. Before that it was: day 1 no sleep all day, cranky overtired baby, day 2 so sleepy she struggled to feed enough, day 3 normal baby. Rinse, repeat.

No way would she have fallen asleep in a buggy. I was massively pleased when she finally fell asleep at about 9/10 months whilst we were browsing the shops after lunch in town with NCT friends as by that stage she would only sleep in her bed, the car or brisk long walks. My friend’s ds was even worse. And woe betide you if you tried to deviate from the sleep or feeding schedule for either.

At 18 months, we took dd to a&e. She was still awake at gone 11pm. A woman took dd and rocked her to sleep for us, which was fab as we needed her calm for an ecg.

I was jealous of the people, who could put their kids in the buggy and they’d just sleep and amazed they could still do it age 4 or 5.

Show quote history

Yes, DD1 accidentally fell into a fairly rigid routine which meant she slept great, ate great,until the routine couldn't be kept to. So with DD2 we tried to be more flexible and varied.

DD1 would only sleep in her cot in a silent dark room. If we had tried to put her down in a hotel room there would be no chatting drinking or eating....we would all be going to bed (or one while the other went out)

The compromise would be to try and shift her routine so we went out to eat and put her down later.

LaDamaDeElche · 12/08/2023 18:43

Stressfordays · 11/08/2023 20:34

Why don't you sack the bedtime off and go out together? There is no way I'd sit in a hotel room from 8pm on holiday. Mine have all just stayed up and flaked out when they were knackered.

This

Thisisnotreallymyname · 12/08/2023 18:50

Unless I’d suggested it, I would be very unhappy with this.
I would suggest he went out and got a takeaway and brought it back for the two of us, or we had a takeaway delivered.
For him to state it as a fait accompli that he was going out, seems extremely selfish to me.

MysteryBelle · 12/08/2023 18:59

He should go get food and perhaps something to make a couple of cocktails and when your toddler falls asleep, you both can watch a film and eat and have a drink.

How selfish to go out drinking and to have dinner and leave you in the hotel room. Why would he do that? Who is he looking to hang out with if not his own wife on holiday. In this time of life you both have a little child so activities will have to adapt around that. Soon enough your child will be grown and out of the house quicker than anyone thinks, and then foolish dh will have time galore to do whatever.

Why even go on holiday if he’s going to act like that.

MysteryBelle · 12/08/2023 19:03

Like a pp said, there is also the option of taking toddler with you. Holidays are not the time for being super strict with a rigid routine. He can fall asleep on your lap/shoulder, your h can hold him while you two enjoy an evening out. I’ve done that before and everything was just fine.

Or like I posted before, your h should go get food and drink and enjoy it with you in the hotel room. No reason for one of you to hop around drinking and socializing with strangers and leaving the other one in the hotel room. There are exceptions of course. I had a bad migraine once and my dh took our toddler to the pool with our friends we were vacationing with. There was no bar hopping and such going on while one was left twiddling their thumbs though.

mumindoghouse · 12/08/2023 19:27

BlueMediterranean · 11/08/2023 20:32

Our little one only settles down with me at night time so I can't do the same.

He went on his own.

We got some food in the afternoon but he says is too many hours without eating so he really needs to go out and eat something after 8, otherwise he will be hungry at night.

Is this because it is always you doing the settling? Isn’t it time your partner and little one practised together so you have the chance of some free even times when partner shoulders the parenting load?

I don’t think you are unreasonable to be upset about this.

Bugbabe1970 · 12/08/2023 19:28

Are you serious??

saffy2 · 12/08/2023 19:32

Katieg27 · 11/08/2023 21:05

Your child doesn’t need to be breasted at that age! Go out with them in the pushchair and enjoy your holiday! Don’t be a martyr op!

🙄 the who recommend breastfeeding to two years of age and beyond.

Biggyfoot · 12/08/2023 19:35

He's a dick that doesn't deserve either of you

calmdowndear2023 · 12/08/2023 19:39

Strikes me that he just wants a break from the chaos and drama. You do sound like a bit of a nightmare TBH.

ZolaBudd · 12/08/2023 19:52

I do laugh at the world health organisation always being quoted about breastfeeding. They came out of Covid so well remember?