If you have a big lovely house and you don't work.... AIBU?

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

Lighthearted ... walked the dog today. Walked a new route and into a lovely neighbourhood...private road... massive big houses with front gardens and even bigger back gardens...beautiful and houses I could only dream of.
So it had me thinking about what's inside .... of course this isn't reality for everyone but....answer me this:
If YOU live in one of these big beautiful houses (let's just assume it's whatever YOU consider to be big) and you have the lifestyle that means your partner/OH works...long hours let's say, but you have the kids and you get to shop or go to the gym daily, ho for coffee with your girlfriends etc... ARE YOU HAPPY? TRULY HAPPY?
If you are...what makes you happy?
If you are NOT happy...what's the reason?

I'm asking as it would be a fairy tale for me to live in a beautiful house like this, not having to work, but we never will and I have to work full time for our modest 3 bed semi. I'm jealous of you if you are lucky enough to have this lifestyle...BUT on balance I'm happy, so is the grass greener? AIBU to be jealous?

Discuss! And if you are in MY boat, what fo YOU think of this lifestyle ?

I live in a big house but I work and can’t think of anything more dull than not working. I have one friend who meets your description, stay at home mum in a beautiful house whilst husband works and I would say she is the most miserable of all my friends. She gets so worked up about things that the rest of us aren’t bothered by and I can only assume it is because her world is really very small. She is highly educated and I think she would be so much happier if she got a job.

I have lived in a large (5 bedrooms+ attic) house for many years with my husband away for most of the time.....not all it's cracked up to be......three children, 7horses, 4 dogs and 21 cats ....bloody hard work!!!

Had a house like that. Ended up living to work rather than working to live. Resulted in selling. A good decision.

I did. It for many years but now work part time. Although not a massive mansion.

I loved it. Would love to again but know that I now appreciate the days I don’t work more, purely because I have to work two days. So I’ll probably continue with the two days until I retire in a few years.

A novel twist on the "SAHMs are so dull and boring" thread.

All this "work gives you purpose" - that's as maybe but there are other things which could give you purpose too. Volunteering, studying, running the local gardening group, learning a musical instrument, painting, there are lots of things which you can do which you find fulfilling, creative or worthwhile which aren't a job job.

I work for myself at home and am also studying, but most people probably think this is my lifestyle. I have lots of friends who aren't working and whose kids are older. It baffles me when other posters say that they'd be bored at home watching the telly as if that is the only possible thing you could be doing if you're not out at work.

Not quite as luxurious a house as you describe but I am in this position. I'm extremely happy!

Used to do a v high pressure job but couldn't face returning after having DS. He's still small so maybe I will get bored eventually but at the moment even on the 2 days a week that he is at nursery I never seem to stop.

It’s strange that some people seem to think life must be dull without work. I know lots of people who enjoy their work, before I gave up work to be with my children, I enjoyed my job too, but there’s so many other things apart from work to enjoy.

We have family in this situation, same trials and tribulations as the rest of us, worry about kids and work and parents they just do it in a massive house.

I have a friend who falls into this bracket. Incredible house, 4 children (1 pre-school, 3 private school), range of expensive cars.

You obviously never know what’s really going on for people but she seems really truly content and happy. She radiates it.

Her husband doesn’t though. But I don’t know him well so he might just come across as being miserable and stressed while being gloriously happy inside.

I know. I don't understand how you could be bored not working. I can happily fill my days with without it. Reading, cooking, walking, exercising, TV, films, shopping,

I have the big house (with a big mortgage to match). But I work full time as does DH. I would so love the flexibility to not have to work, though I would always choose to.

I have horses and time consuming, active, sociable hobbies, so I’d be very happy with that lifestyle. My days would be just as full as any 9-5er, but doing the things I love.

I do wonder about posters who think it would “rot their brain” or similar - do you not have personal interests to pursue? Fair enough if your job is truly your primary interest, or if you think you’d struggle with motivation without the external pressure of a job, but it’s not like all work = mental fulfilment and all non-work = daytime tv.

Why do you think we are all lying? I wrote upthread that I have experienced a fabulous expat life where I didn't have to lift a finger, and honestly, I was bored. As were most of the spouses. Many were alcoholics, or miserable at wasting their brains ( some were doctors or engineers), or hated the imbalance of power. It was a very 50s set up, like something out of Mad Men.

I just about managed to change careers, but even then I earn way less than DH. I could quit my job now if I wanted, as he earns enough for the both of us, but I will never do it. In fact, I want to ramp it up, but my sector isn't doing so well. I may change careers again.

Like a PP I have a friend with this sort of lifestyle. And for the longest time she was miserable. Mostly because she is an extremely intelligent, highly educated woman who hates domestic stuff, but loves her kids and realised that her DH's high-flying career was not compatible with her continuing her also high-flying career once they had DC. So I think she had a lot of feelings about her own missed potential and found it really boring. She's not a shopping or lunching with friends type.

She's found purpose now, and seems genuinely happy again. But for many years she was in a low and dark place.

I would love something similar to your op. But without the bloke. I feel to content being single 😅

We have a reasonably big house in a nice village. I have a horse as do my friends, takes a lot of time and ££, also go dog walking twice a day. Never bored also do a lot of gardening

Also it's not good for a marriage to have one person earning all the money. Makes for a terrible imbalance. And stress on the breadwinner. Unfortunately for me, DH trained for a particular long hours job and can only do that.

I worked in a well paid city job before having children. I had bought my first flat just before property prices went crazy, then stretched to buy a terraced house as prices continued to rise rapidly so had a huge lump to put into the big house that we live in now. My partner (now husband) had split from his previous girlfriend at exactly the wrong time property wise so had no capital to put into the house.
We both worked at crazy hours and crazy international travel jobs so one of us needed to stop if we were to have any stability at all for our family and so I did. I did all the children stuff in the week and it's only once they were both at senior school that I felt as if I had free time. Now I volunteer at two different things and help support my aged Mum as my Dad died four years ago. I don't feel as if I've a huge amount of free time and have a pretty set routine but I'm pretty happy.

Oh and I fucking hated not having my own money. Despite the fact that I had access to the joint account, bought whatever I wanted, and DH never policed me. Still.

The one woman I know who this applies to is definitely not happy, because her husband is a total shit. Not abusive, afaik, but selfish and lazy and inconsiderate. She's trapped financially because they have three kids and all of them, including her, are used to a lifestyle she couldn't provide without him.

I quite often think, after spending any time with her, that I'd rather have my tiny house and unreliable income than have to live with her horrible husband in their huge, beautiful house!

We live in house like I imagine you are describing - 5500 sq ft, 7 bedrooms. Both my husband and I grew up in very working class families and so we know how very very lucky we are. We often pinch ourselves and never take it for granted. My husband works long hours and earns a very high wage. I have been mostly SAHM while our children were young - and although I am very lucky that I didn’t have to worry about paying the bills, but I suffered with terrible PND, my husband and I have had our ups and downs like all couples and bad things have happened to us…… so it’s not all a charmed life. You have a lot of the same ups and downs in life but just not the worry of money. We don’t have a cleaner or a gardener, I do it myself - it’s the equivalent of 2/3 average sized houses, so it’s almost a full time job (and it’s boring as hell). I could choose not to work now the children are all at school but it’s honestly boring and lonely at home on your own, when all your friends are at work. I volunteer one day a week at my children’s school, plus I work 2 shifts per week in a high street shop - because I enjoy it, it helps me socialise, and it gives me satisfaction to earn a little of my own money. So I’d say the “dream life” people imagine I have looking in from the outside isn’t quite accurate.

I guess that's me. We live in a big, beautiful house, beautiful garden (not very big though), and I'm at home all day.

We got here by having reasonably wealthy backgrounds, working hard in stressful careers for the best part of 3 decades, then scaled right back. We're not retired, but we both have portfolio careers I guess - a little of this, a little of that. We work as and when we need/want to.

I love being at home with my family. I don't 'do' lunches, I don't go to the gym, I loathe shopping, I don't fritter my time away idly. I do a lot of stuff, but mainly stuff I love to do. Both my DH and I have a good work ethic, which we now apply to doing things for ourselves. If something breaks, we learn how to fix it. If we need bread, I make it. We're always doing something vaguely productive.

We're both creative and spend a lot of time pursuing various interests. We have a very quiet life, very happy, but it wouldn't suit everyone I guess.

@HarrietStyles If the house is such hard work and a full time job, why not give it up?

We did. Because DH plans to retire in 3 years and do something else. I plan to work till I die. If I can.

Yeah, that does sounds miserable! I think the key is to not come from money, so you don't expect it and feel grateful every day, and also to have a full life. I study (PT degree + language classes), I have a book group, a running group, a couple of regular fitness classes I attend where I know all the other attendees well. In other words, if you're grounded and busy you'll probably be happy. The kind of vacuous lives I see very rich women leading would make me utterly miserable.