If you have a big lovely house and you don't work.... AIBU?

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

Lighthearted ... walked the dog today. Walked a new route and into a lovely neighbourhood...private road... massive big houses with front gardens and even bigger back gardens...beautiful and houses I could only dream of.
So it had me thinking about what's inside .... of course this isn't reality for everyone but....answer me this:
If YOU live in one of these big beautiful houses (let's just assume it's whatever YOU consider to be big) and you have the lifestyle that means your partner/OH works...long hours let's say, but you have the kids and you get to shop or go to the gym daily, ho for coffee with your girlfriends etc... ARE YOU HAPPY? TRULY HAPPY?
If you are...what makes you happy?
If you are NOT happy...what's the reason?

I'm asking as it would be a fairy tale for me to live in a beautiful house like this, not having to work, but we never will and I have to work full time for our modest 3 bed semi. I'm jealous of you if you are lucky enough to have this lifestyle...BUT on balance I'm happy, so is the grass greener? AIBU to be jealous?

Discuss! And if you are in MY boat, what fo YOU think of this lifestyle ?

What will you do when your girls get older and don't want to be hanging out with their mum so much? When they prefer the company of their friends? We have got a normal size house but I was lucky enough not to have to work when my kids were very little and I did enjoy being with them and playing their games, watching them at the park, reading to them etc. Now one's away at uni and unlikely to ever move back, and the other is doing A-levels and just wants to hang with his mates, he definitely doesn't want to do anything with just me! So my term time only job suddenly makes school holidays very lonely and boring and I end up becoming totally demotivated. Wondering what to do about it....

Sometimes I’m happy and sometimes I’m not. I live in the countryside in a seven bed detached house. I have a gardener and cleaner and another lady who does various other bits and pieces for a few hours each morning. I’m only in this position because of my high earning husband. I’ve worked for most of our marriage but couldn’t work when we lived abroad. I’m semi retired but still oversee a small business that’s run from home. I’ve never earned anything like my husband’s salary because of lifelong physical health problems which prevented me going into my chosen profession when I left university.

I will pay for my grandchildren to be privately educated and they’ll have ponies etc. I can afford to have my house decorated nicely. I have a small swimming pool. I feel very lucky to have all these material things and to live in relative comfort but my health has been poor all my life and no amount of money has altered that. Mentally I’ve always been ok apart from teenage anorexia for which I was hospitalised, so technically I suppose I’m more happy than sad and I’m grateful for all my possessions, but I still value my family more than things at the end of the day.

Not sure if that’s helped OP?

This is probably me.
Sahm to 4dc we have 2 dogs and a big house.
Dh works 8.30 - 5.30 he's a ceo of his own business. Doesn't really work outside of these hours so has a good work/life balance.
Yes I'm happy, yes he still does his share with the kids.
I have plenty of time to do what I want. He pays a lump sum into my account every month. If we need to buy something bigger we discuss it.
I responsible for day to day running of house and running of the kids lives and sorting the animals out. I also do all of the cooking. DH is a terrible cook so would rather we all went out to eat or order in if I don't feel like cooking.

Oh ok I am the only person on this thread who has been in this situation (and can still be) who is unhappy about it! Maybe I am just not cut out for domesticity. Running the house bores me stiff. Which is why we have downsized.

I have a friend who lives in the most beautiful big house. She doesn’t work and never has and her husband has just taken early retirement. She is lively and does some volunteer work a few days a week. I must admit, yes, I’m envious of how easy her life is, never having to worry about how to pay the bills etc.
But I also consider myself fortunate compared to other people. We lead a very frugal life but we are healthy and generally happy and that’s what is most important.

*lovely

That will never be me sadly. I like the idea of it but I'd never feel secure knowing that I don't have my own money

Hi, that’s me.

I don’t go out to work - we live in a lovely big house that I probably (definitely) update and rearrange too often - but I am who I am, I did the same when we were first married and living in a 350sq ft shoe box!

my husband works pretty long + irregular hours. I’m a teacher by training. We used to work pretty even hours + split chores etc up but after we had children and he got a series of big promotions it just didn’t make sense any more.

It wasn’t equal to both be working when I was shouldering so much of everything else. We could either a) get more help in, b) he could take a less well paid job or c) we could divide and conquer.

so I’m at home with the children. I manage the house stuff - we have regular cleaning + gardening house so I don’t feel ground down at all - I sort out food + school uniforms + laundry + the car service etc - as well as run errands for all of us (home base for repair stuff / dry cleaning/ post office)

he makes the money happen. Outside work hours were pretty 50/50.

some people seem to think it’s regressive. But we both feel that as long as we both have our shoulders to the team wheel we might as well play to our strengths. I love being at home with my little people - I also love having the space + time while they’re at nursery / school to quietly get on with life stuff.

I see plenty of mum friends in the day on non nursery days to keep me busy. I take a weekly evening art class. I love living in a comfortable tidy home + I love that because we’ve structured our lives like this we can have quality time together at the weekends + evenings we’re both home.

it isn’t lost on me that I am unbelievably lucky. Partly financially, but not in small part for a husband that wants to navigate through life thoughtfully with me.

I have friends of equally fortunate circumstances who are not as happy, and plenty of less material wealth who are. Money / lack of is a single factor in a big complicated life.

Definitely not in that position but sounds amazing! Let’s be honest work is truly purposeful for such a small minority, other than that it’s literally a means to an end of making money to survive. I would love to not have to work, take up my hobbies properly, do something good, enjoy my amazing house and garden.

I’m really happy but love to work but am a carer to my dcs.

Sounds great. I'm not sure why people are so concerned about what Sahm's might do with their time once children are grown, are these the same people who win the lottery but keep going to work because they can't find anything better to do with their time?

Sounds like a great life until the DH shacks up with his secretary and you have to sell the big house, lose the lifestyle and go back to work. I had a friend who this happened to and like a true cliche he went off with his PA leaving her with twins, he continued to fund private school but the drop in living standards was massive so no thanks I would never ever depend on a man for my standard of living.

I know two women in a similar situation. One is early retirement, her life sounds amazing and she is clearly very happy. She does a few volunteering jobs, she has lots of friends and family around, grandchildren etc. Has a vegetable garden and is always busy, but doing fun stuff. Husband still works but from home in a relatively low stress job. I am very jealous

Another does none of the above, and doesn't seem to do much with her time. House is big but feels quite empty. Husband seems very stressed and works very long hours.

If I had lots of friends who were also free, family around me, spare money I'd be very happy. If my DH worked long hours and was very stressed to fund our lifestyle I think I'd be sad.

Ideally I would have my existing job, but with twice the salary and only term time. That's the fantasy anyway 😂

This is probably me.
We have a beautiful 9 bed 6 bath house.
I had multiple businesses which I've sold over time. DH works, but our house is owned and was paid for by me (now mortgage free).
I am very happy 2 DC one in private primary, the eldest working abroad.
I can attend everything for school, matches, plays, assembly's which is so important to me, I am available to help out friends or relatives. I love DIY so am often doing projects in the house that I do on my own.
I spend my time in many different ways. I volunteer a lot, I have animals that I spend a lot of time with. I have family with various needs that I help out. I read a fair bit, and we travel, are lucky to be away for most of the holidays, and we have a home abroad that we spend a lot of time in.
We are so lucky and I don't think I would change anything about my life.

We have a big old quirky stone house with sea views and secret terraces in the garden.

Yesterday I had coffee in a lovely coffee shop with a friend whilst dc1 did an activity and then after lunch we went to the park for a few hours with another friend. Today we went to the beach with yet another friend. The holidays have been a cloud of playdates, Pimms and days out.

I'm not happy and haven't been in a long time. Since being at home I've gained another degree and am two years into yet another one. I do loads of voluntary work, currently have around seven different funding applications sat on my desk. I have coffee at least twice a week with different people and drinks every Friday night. I read, sew, garden, cook and run. Thinking about starting to ride again and/or something water sport related. Plus I'm learning my grandfather's mother tongue with my children.

Dh likes the fact that I'm at home (or at least not at work). I do ad hoc hours for the LA in a role linked to my previous career but me returning to work in any bigger capacity always gets shut down by him pointing out they told me to avoid stress when I recovered from postpartum psychosis. He regularly works 60 plus hour weeks but can be flexible in when he works and from where.

Perhaps I've just invested well and have decent passive money coming in?

Then I could spend my days working on the house, gardening, reading and painting. I would probably take up a volunteering role with animals. I wouldnt feel too guilty if dH was stressed and could justify a cleaner to stop things becoming too drudgerous

Sometimes I think work occupies my brain too much and I don't have capacity to enjoy other brain heavy hobbies. I would love to develop skills outside of work.

@Dinosauratemydaffodils why are you not happy? Sorry. Nosey.

I used to be that person living abroad. Different rentals as we moved countries. We had epic parties. I occupied my time learning the language in one and teaching English part time else I would have been bored. At another place I trained to be an actress. At the third I started to look for work, did some high level am dram whilst going through ivf. I was then never was able to use my acting training due to ill health, which was started due to taking the pill pre ivf. Now my house is half the size but far from run of the mill. I can’t do much due to illness and disability. Much of my time is taken up with resting, appointments for me - physio, Bowen therapy and taking dd to activities. I am a complete money drain. I’d swap this house for a 3 bed semi and good health.

We used to live in a big 5 bedroom house but my income contributed equally financially. It was very spacious and we were proud to have a wonderful home. But there was always some maintenance to deal with and a lot of jobs to do inside and out. When our dc left we downsized because it was far to big and we didn't want the hassle, big bills and upkeep. Downsizing also meant we could retire early.

My parents have a very nice house and a big garden. My mother didn't work between when she was expecting my older sister and when I went to secondary school - so a 15 year gap from work.

She got a part-time job in secret because she was bored. She was happier once she is it I think, certainly once a knew about it because it meant she had something to talk about and adult company during the day. However, she retired when I went to Uni so they could travel for longer periods. My Dad Was Semi-retired at this point too.

I suspect knocking around a big house so day every day is probably quite lonely and not good for your mental health. However, I think if money was no object I wouldn't mind being part time and having the pressure of "needing" to work being removed.

This made me smile a little. Do you not think anyone in this position has not thought about that scenario in fine detail? You will probably find the divorce would be more than enough to continue an excellent quality of life, albeit a small house possibly if the children are older. I don’t worry about this at all.

I think I am probably in the situation you describe.

I don't work (husband has really good job). and big house and land. I have a coffee with friends a few times a week but I also have four little kids so very busy!!

I've had a career that I'll return to when all kids are at school.

Very happy as we are, although no more than when I worked with a tiny house and no money.

I'll tell you what does bugger up happiness, and that's ill health. You can live in a fantastic house but it you struggle to get out, or drive, or have MH problems, then it'll feel like a prison.

I have some wealthy friends who live in lovely houses. One is unhappy because her DH was unfaithful and she felt betrayed, but took him back. Another is unhappy because her DH is ill and is slipping into dementia.

Did you get my post mixed up with another?

I was lucky enough to have 5 years off when my 3 DC were small and they were the happiest days of my life. I just loved playing with them, meeting friends, walking the dog, volunteering, craft, sailing, being around nature, cooking and doing the garden. All the things that I adore.
Other than that I've worked full time in the NHS for 30 years and I'm starting to feel utterly burned out. Can't wait to retire and hopefully have grandchildren.