If you have a big lovely house and you don't work.... AIBU?

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

Lighthearted ... walked the dog today. Walked a new route and into a lovely neighbourhood...private road... massive big houses with front gardens and even bigger back gardens...beautiful and houses I could only dream of.
So it had me thinking about what's inside .... of course this isn't reality for everyone but....answer me this:
If YOU live in one of these big beautiful houses (let's just assume it's whatever YOU consider to be big) and you have the lifestyle that means your partner/OH works...long hours let's say, but you have the kids and you get to shop or go to the gym daily, ho for coffee with your girlfriends etc... ARE YOU HAPPY? TRULY HAPPY?
If you are...what makes you happy?
If you are NOT happy...what's the reason?

I'm asking as it would be a fairy tale for me to live in a beautiful house like this, not having to work, but we never will and I have to work full time for our modest 3 bed semi. I'm jealous of you if you are lucky enough to have this lifestyle...BUT on balance I'm happy, so is the grass greener? AIBU to be jealous?

Discuss! And if you are in MY boat, what fo YOU think of this lifestyle ?

There's a proverb I like: "Take what you want and pay for it." Everything in life comes with a (non-monetary) price tag, but you don't necessarily know what it's going to be when you make your choices.

I don't really have strong views about whether you could be happy as a SAHM in a large, lovely home paid for by your DH's long hours, because I don't know you, or him, or anything about your life atm. But the way you speak of it as "a fairy tale for me" makes me think you haven't really considered the price you might have to pay.

@krustykittens Totally agree. I realised after redundancy last year that my self esteem and self worth is related to whether I'm employed or not.

So being made redundant meant I felt utterly worthless. I quickly spiralled downwards and have battled severe depression in line with my job prospects.

It was my upper class grandparents who pushed and pushed for success in academia and careers. I loved them dearly but their inheritance has been used to pay for the therapy!

My brother OTOH said "screw that way of living" at age 16 on his GCSE results day. He has a much more balanced life and is much more grounded and happy.

I'm late 30s and seriously effed up from it all (and employed now too! Thank goodness)

We're downsizing to a 2 bed semi with a big garden

I know a couple like this. He is a workaholic and she fills her days with lunch with the girls, golf, tennis and spa days. She's never in! She has a tennis court in her garden. They have a boat and boat house they never use!

I think she's happy-ish. Her sons hardly visit and she doesn't spend much time with her husband. Not the life for me.

My lovely friend is this person - but she works very part time (10 hours a week, volunteering).

she has a gardener, a cleaner and sends all her laundry out to be washed and ironed.

her mum ‘visits’ every morning at 10am to check she has gotten out of bed. the kids are in boarding school during the week so she gives up when they are away. Her husband is financially abusive and has affairs that everyone in our community knows about. She is deeply unhappy but puts on an amazing show.

they have the most amazing Christmas party every year - cars crunch up the gravel driveway, caterers pour champagne, and people are so jealous of the house and lifestyle. There is always new art or a new extension.

she won’t leave because she loves the house and doesn’t want her boys to experience divorce. But she is miserable.

I have a reasonably big and nice house and although my kids are school age I don’t work. DH is very well paid but he doesn’t work long hours and he’s usually able to be flexible around the needs of our family. I could work in a “career job” if I wanted to, DH would be very supportive, but I don’t want to - I used to do it pre children and I hated it.

Yes, I have a lot of free time, but I have a disabled child and approaching elderly parents who need input and I also do a considerable amount of volunteering through a couple of different organisations. Voluntary jobs probably work out to about three days a week/the equivalent of a part time job. And I do most of the domestic drudge. I’m very happy, DH is very happy and our children are happy.

I’d be bored absolutely witless if my life was just shopping/coffees/hair appointments though - the nice thing about my situation isn’t that I can do nothing all day, it’s that I can chose to do things I find interesting and worthwhile without worrying about the fact they don’t pay well/at all.

The house is nice, but beyond the fact it’s warm, dry, comfortable and has enough space for the kids to have a bedroom each it’s not responsible for my happiness. If paying for it meant DH being stressed or unavailable for our family we’d be making other financial choices.

Don’t underestimate the challenges that many families face despite having money. In mind we’ve had terminal illnesses, addiction and infidelity for a start. Various members of the family were able to stay at home and weren’t happy because of these issues.

I might be one of the people you state. I live in a relatively big 6 bedroom and 3 bathroom detached house with a large front driveway with parking for 4-5 cars and a big back garden. I retired from teaching early but I'm still a foster carer to a 17 year old with learning disabilities. He has lived with us since he was 5. DH still works full time. During term time I drive FS 39 miles to his college and drive home then 39 miles to collect him, then drive home again. Evenings either DH or I drive him to his sporting activities. During the day I do a bit of work in the garden because I enjoy doing this, go for a walk with my 2 dogs and often have lunch out with friends. I have a 4 hour time slot to do as I please. I sometimes walk a neighbours dog instead of my dogs as she is disabled and DH walks our dogs every day. I have a cleaner twice a week to keep on top of FS room, his bathroom and the kitchen I have a 7 bedroom holiday home in France too which we spend a few weeks in each year and let friends and family borrow it the rest of the time. 21 years ago I was in an abusive marriage and was scared everyday. I found the strength to divorce husband 1 and after a few years remarried. My DH has a well paid job. He gets on great with my DC who were relieved I divorced their Dad. I've also lost both my parents and inherited some money. Am I happy? Yes I'm very happy, but Id like to downsize now my 2 DC have moved out and bought their own homes. DH just doesn't want to downsize because he enjoys the large gardens. Also he has a big double garage and 3 garden sheds. He said they wouldn't all fit into a smaller garden. He says FS is settled and not to move causing him upheaval.

A friend text me one to tell me that they’d just been on an epic dog walk and were now back home with the log burner on and a stew cooking on top.
They lived in a small converted coach on the road.
I’ve never been more jealous in my life.

So no, a big flashy house doesn’t do it for me OP.

I kind of outlined it above but

play sax
ride
play tennis
attend weekly art classes
gym gym gym gym gym
volunteer weekly
university courses - normally three hours a week and always needs reading to prepare.

I make friends from my hobbies but the trick is consistency, you need a timetabled organised life or yea you could end up sitting about watching cash in the attic and ordering in dominos. I think it takes a certain amount of drive NOT to fall into that trap actually.

I worked like a dog for nearly 20 years in the City. I saved a lot. My husband has a very well paid job. I don’t feel remotely guilty, I take care of everything, cook from scratch nightly, run my kids everywhere, decorate the house, blah blah blah. I just also spend a good chunk of my time pleasing myself. Is that selfish? I don’t think it is. My life is fulfilling and fun. We’re happy. And lucky.

Yes. Roll back to 1995-2003. I had a wonderful few years with the DC and lots of domestic help. When dd went to school I was bored to tears so I got a little job and then did professional qualifications. I think it made me a better, more rounded wife and mother. Roll on 20 years and I'm still doing it. DC are grown up.

The gym, PTA, coffee mornings and bitching at the school gate wasn't for me long term.

Money buys choice. Au-pairs, cleaners, good healthcare, music, theatre, holidays, etc. It also wards off worry lines but it doesn't buy happiness or health except when dd was very ill with her mh 15-17 and there were no CAMHS/ MH services available and what there was was wholly inadequate

Thankfully I'm still moving since we moved to a large, detached house as you describe. When I retire, soon, I think I'll have to become a local Councillor or find a job on a public sector board/school governor etc, otherwise all I'll do is watch dogwalkers from behind my gates- even their dogs can't run down for a quick hello.

Mostly, if I'm home, I'm on teams or gardening at the back.

I live in a beautiful 6 bed detached house with a big garden, I retired early a year ago (59 now) having only ever worked part time since having my three kids. My husband works long hours in a job he enjoys and may retire in a couple of years but at the moment he's happy to keep bringing home the bacon.
We have a cleaner once a week and a gardener every other week who does a bit of weeding and cuts the lawn.
I enjoy gardening and growing cut flowers and veg at my allotment, joined a gym when I retired, walk the dog, read, cook, go out with friends, theatre trips, weekends away etc - but I've always been happy with my own company and I'm generally pretty lazy so a day doing very little is not a problem either.
Got to say I love my life and count my blessings every day.

Yes, we are all very happy. 5 bed house, third of an acre garden, kids at private school. Don't have any real money worries or concerns. We are very lucky.

That's me. I wouldn't say I'm madly happy- but I am content. Kids adult now, dh works from home since covid (married for life but not for lunch)

In all honesty I've never had that much drive and now I'm in my fifties it's zero. I work out in the mornings with dh or trainer, then meet a friend or run errands in afternoon. I do love my home though.

I had that life. From the outside it looked absolutely perfect.

In reality, it was living hell, the true depth of which I still haven’t quite figured out. He made everything difficult. I wanted to work and did periodically but he just made it impossible. The atmosphere was truly awful. I hadn’t been happy for so long that I couldn’t remember what it felt like. He’s a narcissist in the true sense of the word so I couldn’t leave him without an excuse. I found out he cheated on me with roughly a hundred women (his estimate) so we split up. I haven’t shed a tear for our relationship and have never been happier. Finances are still up in the air (he made some disastrous decisions) so who knows what’s going to happen but the kids and I are a million times happier! The house went on the market but didn’t sell so we’re still here for now. It feels sooo different! It used to be a prison. Now I’m hoping the kids can stay for long enough that they aren’t too unsettled. Then as long as I find somewhere peaceful and full of nature, that will be home.

I hope most people living lives that seem happy truly are but I think many people are very good at hiding the truth.

It makes me laugh that people think SAHM literally stay at home all day!!!!!

Snap. It's easy to fill your time with purposeful activity if you are driven. But I did notice you tend to hang out with everyone else in that 'bubble' and that was a bit dull. I enjoy some elements of being employed again now: the routine, office humour, a focus away from being a wife & mum. Ideal scenario would be 3 day a week job with a couple more weeks holiday for the same pay.. ha ha!

Do I get a nanny? 😂 I would not want to be a sahm if it meant having the children full time.

I would feel pressure to go to the gym, have facials, hair, nails, go shopping… nice for a bit but I’d get bored and probably drink like one of those housewives of Beverly Hills 🤣

Agree in part.

Same position here, but once my youngest was preschool age I started volunteering (from home for the most part) because I'd have gone utterly mad otherwise and I'm a massive homebody who is fairly unsociable. I've not been in paid employment for 8 years now, but now my youngest is in school I'm setting up my own consultancy business off the back of the volunteering because I honestly can't imagine being home all day with the children both out at school and nothing much else to do except for being in my nice house.

Being a SAHM through the baby and toddler years was a dream for me, I loved it. But once they started to get older, I needed my world to expand a little bit more. I still do all school runs/bedtimes/school events etc, I can just work around them.

Not in that position, and think I'd be very bored if I were. I don't have a tonne of close friends and I was quite happy to go back to work after mat leave both times.

DH is working on launching a software product and the daydream is that it might eventually get bought up by a big business for £££ (yes, dream on I know!) and if that happened I'm sure he would tell me I could stop work if I wanted, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. Maybe if I could be find a big voluntary commitment, but otherwise I'd just sit at home pissing away my time on the internet!

I should add kids are 12 and 15 now, so don't need much looking after!

I didn't want to read this and not say anything. I wish things were better for you and really, really hope they improve soon because you are so vital to everyone around you. xxx

Some of the mums at our school are like this (I am not one of them!)

Their husbands are hedge fund finance types or city lawyers. They drive the kids to school in Bentley or Porsche SUVs, live in Sweaty Betty athleisure wear and live in huge houses with electric gates at the end of the driveway.

From what I gather, they all hang around with each other at the expensive gym nearby. They seem happy and look great and are having a lovely time from what I can tell. And fair fucks to them.

I am lucky enough to be in that situation and I am so so happy and grateful for it. Our house is one of those that people in the neighbourhood say ‘ooh you live in that house??’ when they find out. I am currently a SAHM to two beautiful girls. I have very little stress, outside of the normal kids stuff. For example, today I played with the kids, took them into the city to see Dad for lunch, met my mum to go shopping, then came home and played in the back garden with the hosepipe. It was just a beautiful day and made me very happy.

I'm not sure how big you mean? I live in a very lovely house. 5 bedrooms, big garden and we have help for the house and garden. I always worked part time but when we had our 3rd child I gave up with a view to staying at home. I consider it a great privilege to have had that time at home, especially as my husband was working from home too. It felt like a really special time for our family. However, it began to take it's toll on my wellbeing...I just needed a challenge and found being with a little one quite boring all the time once covid homeschooling ended. I've ended up retuning to work full time...a complete surprise! I work term time only in an independent school so have 4 months off a year. I'm not sure i would want to only have 5 or 6 weeks off. I would also say that things might have been different if all the children had been at school giving me the freedom to spend more time on voluntary work and fitness. I did both of those things but was obviously limited by childcare responsibilities.
Overall I've no regrets, but my time off work has made me a little nervous of retirement. I'm hoping that with my husband around and more freedom to travel, garden and volunteer I will find it a rewarding season...just not yet!

I'm going to be honest, because I'm drunk. I don't for the life of me, think that anyone who is writing 'I'd be bored of that' or similar, is sincere. I just don't. It's jealousy.