If you have a big lovely house and you don't work.... AIBU?

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

Lighthearted ... walked the dog today. Walked a new route and into a lovely neighbourhood...private road... massive big houses with front gardens and even bigger back gardens...beautiful and houses I could only dream of.
So it had me thinking about what's inside .... of course this isn't reality for everyone but....answer me this:
If YOU live in one of these big beautiful houses (let's just assume it's whatever YOU consider to be big) and you have the lifestyle that means your partner/OH works...long hours let's say, but you have the kids and you get to shop or go to the gym daily, ho for coffee with your girlfriends etc... ARE YOU HAPPY? TRULY HAPPY?
If you are...what makes you happy?
If you are NOT happy...what's the reason?

I'm asking as it would be a fairy tale for me to live in a beautiful house like this, not having to work, but we never will and I have to work full time for our modest 3 bed semi. I'm jealous of you if you are lucky enough to have this lifestyle...BUT on balance I'm happy, so is the grass greener? AIBU to be jealous?

Discuss! And if you are in MY boat, what fo YOU think of this lifestyle ?

I planned to be a SAHM (modest 3 bed terrace) but my mental health told me i'd rather be working, part-time! Now we're excited at the thought we may actually be able to move to a 4 bed detached one day!

There is a beautiful private estate in the next town and sometimes my husband and I like to drive around it and choose which beautiful house we’d like to live in if we ever won the lottery (which we don’t even play 😂). My stipulation is always that I would need to preserve enough money to have a cleaner though because I hate the idea of spending my life cleaning the enormous house. More seriously, before I had my baby I thought my maternity leave would be such a luxurious privilege to be home with baby every day doing whatever we wanted, but in reality I have found that, although I love spending time with my baby, it is absolutely exhausting and pretty repetitive. I miss the variety and challenge of my work, which has taken years of training and going through rotations and secondments to end up with my dream job just before I got pregnant. In answer to your question, I think there are pros and cons to every lifestyle and the grass probably is greener, but it’s always fun to daydream as long as it’s not damaging your enjoyment of your actual life.

And the trappings of wealth get old quickly. It becomes normal
to have a pool etc. The excitement of the daydreaming doesn’t last, leading to discontentment: there’s always someone with more money that you….

I promise you some of us are sincere.

I grew up in a home like this and with a mum like this.

On the surface it was idyllic. We lived in a gorgeous five bedroom house in a leafy suburb of an affluent and beautiful town. My sister and I went to private schools. My mum didn’t work.

It actually made my mum deeply unhappy. Having had a very exciting and successful career as a young woman she never got her mojo back after having kids (this was the late 70s/early 80s so people often didn’t). She felt isolated, bored and patronised by the women she knew who did work and her relationship with my dad was profoundly unequal.

It contributed massively to long stretches of depression.

I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I would never turn down a big and beautiful house obviously but spending decades rattling around a big house without enough to do is my idea of hell.

Wow this is really impactful ... thanks for sharing. Very true and sad... I guess this could happen regardless of living circumstances to people. Definitely thought provoking

Whilst I would agree, it is true, the people you collect along lifes road are far more important than any of the trinklets. Money helps you to pick up people along the way. Just as a perfect example I went to see my daughter this week cost me £60 just to get there and back and that was without me having to buy her a week of M&S is dinners in bags cleaning materials all the other bits that I discovered she needed when I got up there. I look today and that visit cost me £200.

It costs money to maintain relationships in life. I’m sure there are people have lost touch with others due to not having the finances to maintain them.

I trained hard to be a doctor and love my job. No way would I want to play house every day of my life, however wealthy I was.

@SomewhereWithSomeone indeed, let's not go into a fight over this 😊 also SAHM with the children, DH good job, and yes nice house. But also : I've always done everything all by myself, schoolruns-clubruns-playdates, the (small) garden and the cooking, the cleaning and painting and repairing. No time to get bored! It's not exactly like I'm out with my friends continuously 😂

Yes. Look at how the bedroom tax means people aren't able to have a spare room for family to visit. Public transport in the UK is prohibitively expensive and doesn't run on Christmas day. Many people are alone at Christmas as a result.

Being poor usually means being less healthy and more stressed and having far fewer opportunities in life, all of which have an impact on relationships.

‘My DH is happy with the arrangement’

Course he is! These men always are. They get to progress and advance their careers whilst wifey takes care of all the child and home stuff and he doesn’t need to move his focus away from his Big Job.

All these women staying at home and keeping the gender pay gap going is so depressing. Healthy intelligent and educated women staying home whilst their menfolk progress their careers. And poor kids being brought up in these homes thinking this setup is normal.

I had hoped the next generation would be growing up in a more equal world. Sadly not.

We live this life- big house, 4 children and 1 on the way. DH works full time (Mon-Fri 8-6) and loves his job. We are very happy, our life is balanced and we are very comfortable. I don't have to work but occasionally do between babies and if my job needs me. I used to be DH's personal assistant but I help with events here and there and we all travel with him when necessary.

We are truly happy- DH and I are completely in love still, the kids are great and easy children, our live is straightforward and comfortable. Our family and friends are great, minimal issues there.

For the brief time when we didn't have kids, I wasn't working and we had plenty of money I was a bit bored. I love shopping but I just found myself watching TV all day which does nothing for the soul.

I used to work in a very big job with long long hours and so does DH currently .. both salaries enabled us to buy the lovely home we have but we were killing ourselves with both having hugely demanding hours and roles and I stopped about 4 years ago ..The whole family - including me - are much happier.. We needed a very full time nanny to make our previous life work and I felt like I was missing seeing my children grow up. We have 3 very busy DC and DH isn't around very much during the week so just about everything falls on me - not loads of time for coffees etc but I do try to go to the gym each morning. I feel very fortunate.

I agree re the sex pay gap, but would rather both sexes had time to be with their children and to have fulfilling lives outside parenting (it doesn't have to be work). Better life-work balance is what a wealthy society should be aiming for, more time with family and friends rather than more at work. (Of course some people prefer work and that's fine, just that the choice doesn't exist at the moment for most people.)

I think it's an excellent role model to be looking after children, just that both sexes should be sharing it equally and we still have a long way to go on that.

So you’ve never HAD to work even before you had kids?

I would say a substantial amount of these men, don’t even have a big job. They just have a job that they can just about bear to do. Having a family at home, gives them purpose and a reason to work, because if you took that away from a lot of them, they simply wouldn’t. Men would do enough to keep themselves fed and housed. This is why the system works. Women drive these men to oil the capitalist wheels.

Because if you actually look how how many men live in big house is alone? I bet it’s minimal.

I grew up in a big house in a lovely village with my mum an SAHM and my dad commuting to the City. I have seen the positives of that life - my mum fully involved in the community and family, she grew a lot of our food, made our clothes, our granny lived in part of the house, she was an amazing parent of young children.

But in our case it was built on sand and we lost it all in a slow then fast financial debacle over about 15 years. I remember my parents spending far too long trying to pretend they could still live that life. It's left all of us profoundly anxious about not having an income. So on maternity leave I was so stressed and couldn't wait to get back to work. That's quite dysfunctional but I'm glad because I ended up in the same kind of financial disaster when my dh got ill.

I think women who have made money and their own security and then living that life are a delight to be around.

This thread has made me a bit sad. So many posters have been happy being at home with DC, and dont feel unfulfilled. I wish I could have been the same. Would have made for a much smoother marriage. Even now.

I’d be very happy. Think about it. Money is literally no object. You don’t HAVE to work, but you CAN if you want to. You pick what kind of job you do, the hours, the location. And have the luxury of going in everyday and not having to deal with the total BS most of us have to deal with in our jobs, whether it being a bully of a manager, horrible clients, or just a job you don’t like because you have no obligation to stay. Manager is a scumbag? Leave. Hours are too long? Reduce them or leave. Not being appreciated? Leave. Not being paid enough for what you do? Leave.

Or if you don’t want to work, don’t. I’ve never understood people who say they’d get “bored”. We’re talking money being no object. Travel, learn a new language, volunteer, build a library, pay for a PT and get mega fit. Any and all of these things. You’re only limited by your imagination.

People say money can’t buy happiness, and alone it can’t. But money troubles are leading causes of divorce, depression and other mental health problems, so it’s not unimportant either! So personally I do think the grass would be greener for me.

I have the big house, around 8-10 amazing holidays each year, lots of friends, spa membership, hobbies, cinema membership, absolutely no money worries and I’m very happy.
My DC are grown up and when they were younger I loved being able to look
after them full time, no school holiday stress or juggling things when they got ill or rushing around all the time etc.
My DH is retired now, he retired at 55 (as soon as he could) and we get to do what we want all day now. Our plan was always to both do the minimum work we could do we and have more time to do fun stuff. I feel blessed.

I agree with you. If you have money why does that mean you have to be bored? You have choices, so many choices, most of which aren’t available to people lacking money. Rich and bored? Take up an absorbing hobby. Get a job. Have a child if that’s what you want. Hire a nanny to look after the child if you then decide you want to pursue other interests.

It’s glaringly obvious to me that you could also choose to give away every penny and live your life in poverty, struggling to feed and clothe yourself if you’re convinced that cash in the bank, a beautiful home or whatever is the root cause of your unhappiness. How likely is that though, given that you can rid yourself of the lot in an instant. Ill health isn’t that easy to shake off. Neither is having unpleasant family members, or even having an unpleasant nature yourself, for whatever reason, nature or nurture. Those are all things that can lead to unhappiness regardless of how wealthy you are.

Eh? The OP says "you don't work" so surely the premise is that you have to give up your job. I agree money is great. Not great enough to give up my job though.

I’d get bored because my career is part of who I am. Hobbies, travelling etc are part of my life but I need more.

@SouthLondonMum22 but that’s the beauty of having money, you can do whatever you want. You can have the career that’s part of your identity, but you can also have it on your terms. You can go to work for an employer every day, or part time, or quit and go freelance/set up your own company. Anything that makes you happy without any of the restraints most people have if they were to, say, start their own company. You wouldn’t worry that your family would starve if your business failed, or that you’d lose the roof over your head. You wouldn’t worry about losing the perks you may have like pension and enhanced parental leave or private health cover, or feel guilty for working all the hours of the day and neglecting your family or friends. Your career on your terms. As @NarcNarc says, it’s about CHOICE. Financial freedom gives you choices ordinary people don’t have.