If you have a big lovely house and you don't work.... AIBU?

[Noangelbuthavingfun]

Lighthearted ... walked the dog today. Walked a new route and into a lovely neighbourhood...private road... massive big houses with front gardens and even bigger back gardens...beautiful and houses I could only dream of.
So it had me thinking about what's inside .... of course this isn't reality for everyone but....answer me this:
If YOU live in one of these big beautiful houses (let's just assume it's whatever YOU consider to be big) and you have the lifestyle that means your partner/OH works...long hours let's say, but you have the kids and you get to shop or go to the gym daily, ho for coffee with your girlfriends etc... ARE YOU HAPPY? TRULY HAPPY?
If you are...what makes you happy?
If you are NOT happy...what's the reason?

I'm asking as it would be a fairy tale for me to live in a beautiful house like this, not having to work, but we never will and I have to work full time for our modest 3 bed semi. I'm jealous of you if you are lucky enough to have this lifestyle...BUT on balance I'm happy, so is the grass greener? AIBU to be jealous?

Discuss! And if you are in MY boat, what fo YOU think of this lifestyle ?

My aunt was a SAHM in what was a big house in the 70s and 80s.She played tennis, did voluntary work and had a lovely life. My mum and her sisters were well jell.

Im bored. If I’m honest. I like aspects like daily gym, but I’m mainly bored/grumpy.

I'm 50, Dds are 18 & 16. Oxbridge offer and both high achieving academically. Both happy, working well balanced.
DH's career has steadily grown and he's pretty senior in his field in this country.
I was out earning him pre kids and the last three years pro-rata.
I've had long periods of staying at home, carrying the mental load and giving DH the freedom to out compete colleagues without SAHP supporting them.
I picked up a contract which was great in a dinner party boasting way but was awful to deliver. Ultimately it was meaningless, you will have heard of it, maybe enjoyed it but it was box ticking, stressful, fulltime worry. I still carried the domestic load, managed from a premier inn. My kids were lonely, our diets were awful, we felt less connected so I've given up work, again.

We can't have it all - I reckon you can have two out of
Quirky or big home without a lot of help
Happy kids
Two complex careers

But not all three, we mostly dropped one complex career.

I just wanted to add that these houses may look beautiful from the outside, but inside they're often so dated and need a lot of work to bring them up to a modern standard.
There are some lovely big detached houses near mine and I've checked Rightmove whenever they've gone up for sale. I'm always shocked at how old fashioned they are inside!
I'd much rather my 3 bed terrace that feels modern and bright than a huge house that I can't afford to keep updated.

I think it's also a possibility that some of the posters who are unhappy at home might still be unhappy if working.

I'm paid well and like my job. Helps that it's 10 mins away and I'm often finished by 2pm but paid 45 hours minimum. However, my boss is a bipolar tyrant who is impossible to please and always flipping out and shouting/swearing at his employees over minor things.

I'd happily live a life of leisure if I was financially sorted. There's so much stuff I want to do that I've already accepted I'll never get the chance to.

I have a big house, financially ok and plenty of help round the house.

I have worked very hard in the past, I don't now, and I don't miss it one bit.

I have a family to take care of and then enjoy my downtime with my husband who has now retired.

It's wonderful.

I really don't want to sound smug. Just very appreciative of where I am and honestly loving life.
I burnt out trying to 'do it all' I'm now happy doing much less.

I think it's also a possibility that some of the posters who are unhappy at home might still be unhappy if working.

This is very true and quite insightful. Happiness is so often about more than just circumstances.

I have friends in this situation. They are generally less stressed and miserable that many I think, but all have anxieties about their looks or social lives or what if their husband cheats or how their kids are doing at school. A lot more thinking time perhaps. None of them care that they don't work though or have any kind of existential crisis about their purpose, if they have kids.

I have a nice big house (perhaps not as nice as the ones you describe but still a big 5 bed detached in the nicest part of town) with a garden, a nice car etc. I have recently gone back to work (kids are primary school age) because I was SO bored and unhappy. I used to go to the gym, perhaps meet a friend occasionally, shop and tidy my house. That was it. Sometimes I was happy enough but I remember one time bringing in the washing and just heaving sobs in the garden - through boredom, disappointment in myself and frustration. I’d find myself shopping online constantly and getting it deb. I was also weirdly obsessed with other peoples drama. I’m back at work now - part time but quite busy - and now I’m really stressed and would love my old life back!!!🤣🤣🤣🤣 Can’t win!!!

Not while the kids are young perhaps, but what happens when they grow up and leave home? Having a sense of purpose apart from your kids - whether that's paid work or something else entirely - is healthy.

My own poor mum fell apart when I left home. She didn't have anything else to focus on.

This is more down to the individual though IMO. I could fill three lifetimes with the stuff I want to do.

I'd love to have pursued my talent for writing, really mastered Brazilian ju jitsu, thai boxing, and western boxing, maybe compete in one (I was pretty decent at the first two).

I'd love to have continued playing bass and guitar, and also wrote more electronic music as I spent years learning to program it then once my career took off didn't have the energy to sit on a computer in the evening having already been on one for eight hours. Would also like to get really good at the drums and maybe play in a pub band again.

Would also love to learn as many languages as possible and live in as many places as possible. Learn to fly a plane. Finish restoring the pickup truck I gave up on due to lack of time. Etc etc.

There are loads more but I'd absolutely do every single one of the above if I had the time, and to really get elite at something you can't be spinning too many plates anyway.

For me, work isn't a purpose. It's a necessity that massively gets in the way of life.

I have a lovely large home and am a SAHM to 2 under 5.

There's good bits and bad. I love being able to pick my eldest up from school, never having to worry about making it to an event at school, having time to help out at school, no worries over holiday or sickness cover, being able to facilitate play dates etc.
when both are at school/nursery a couple of sessions a week its nice to potter and have to time to get jobs done or sit with a hot drink.

It's quite lonely though, I do go for the odd coffee with friends /play date with my youngest but once they are at full time school, I'll be alone a lot of the time. I don't live where I grew up or worked, so don't have a large social circle, just mum friends.

I had a good career but it wasn't compatible with being around for my children and part time ended up being full time work, full time stress, with part time hours/pay. DH works long and unpredictable hours but earns significantly more and has ensured we, and our children, are financially comfortable.

It's also hard and unrelenting being a SAHM, one of my children is particularly difficult and I'm often exhausted by the end of the day. If I'm sick or injured I still have to 'work'. My DH is very hands on when he is home though so I'm fortunate.

As for the gym, I should go, I'm quite overweight!

I wouldn't say I'm unhappy as I appreciate how fortunate I am but I wouldn't say I'm particularly happy. I have a lot of issues from my past (narc mother/unstable childhood) that I find it hard to move on from no matter how much I have. I'm doing what I think is best for my family though.

I live in a nice house in a nice area. Have a part time house keeper and she does some childcare. We have a gardener who does the basics. I love love love my life. It revolves around everything I adore - my family and my home! I have 4 kids. I quit work after my first - 8 years ago and never looked back.
Recently a family member became ill and they live about an hr away. I really wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. Juggling being out of the house and childcare was a nightmare. It really made me wonder how working mums do it - hats off to you!
The rest of the time I have a really good routine. Wake up, get kids up, school, help housekeeper to square up tidy, toddlers groups, afternoon free to meet friends have coffee, bake, my husband might be home so we go out for a late lunch or just let baby contact nap. After school it's clubs, tea homework and bed. Then I watch some TV do crafts. Do life admin etc. I don't have much time for lazing in front of the tv. I manage all finances husband pay goes into joint account and I sort everything so I'm not worried about money.
I totally love school holidays. I spend all the time i want with my littlies.
My biggest worry is what will I do when they grow up. Maybe be a hands on grandma, maybe foster maybe enjoy hubbies retirement.

Seriously.😄😄😄

Not working and relying on a man sounds dull and like a fairy tale.

It's much more rewarding to have bought the house without a man.

It also makes me happy to have a career I love.

Not everyone has a job or career that they love, you only have to read the threads on here about 'do you love your job?' to realise that. And when people talk about their satisfying careers and purposeful lives are they really referring to an admin job in the local council office (no offence intended) or one of those mythical Mumsnet jobs where £50k is not seen as a high salary ?
I think some people are happy not working .. and some are happy working ... but to assume that the only fulfillment in life is by earning money is a very limited viewpoint... I am about to retire .. it will be interesting to see how society 'views' me or will I become worthless because I am economically inactive?

Of course, I already acknowledged in my earlier post that purpose might come from things other than paid work. I am certainly not arguing that work is the only way of finding this, and I'm sure that there are plenty of people who don't find much purpose in their work in any case! My point was merely that people are likely to be happier if they have some sense of purpose beyond being a parent... wherever that comes from.

Exactly. A lot of comments must be from those lucky enough to have a career or job which gives them purpose but there are many millions who do not have jobs which give them purpose!

I had DC later in life so worked for a number of years in a variety of jobs. None of these jobs gave me purpose or made me feel fulfilled - they just made me feel stressed, and colleagues in every job complained about about the work/ colleagues etc constantly so I wasn’t the only one! Many people work to live rather than live to work.

The jobs I had also didn’t make me financially independent as I didn’t earn enough to cover the mortgage and bills myself.

I’m now a SAHM - in a normal sized house - and I’ve never been happier. I am truly happy and fulfilled - this is not to do with my DH or my DC, but comes from within. I cannot understand those who would get bored not working - I am never bored for a second. I have multiple hobbies (and I don’t go to the gym or go for coffee etc!).

My DH is happy with the arrangement, he is happy with his job so there’s no resentment as we are both different and he earns more than enough for both of us. He is sometimes away with work so I’m the default parent when the DC are ill etc so it works well for this too. He’s still very hands on with the house and DC when he is home so being a SAHM doesn’t mean I do everything. And if our marriage falls apart in the future then I’ll get another job - a gap in my CV would not make much of a difference in the type of jobs I had before DC.

According to most MNers I should feel totally worthless and without a sense of purpose but strangely enough I don’t - I feel happier than I ever did when working and like I’m getting the most out of life as I’m a work to live person.

We have a big 4 bed detached home in an expensive part of the country. It was a renovation project. When we first relocated here, I didn't work for a year and I was mainly setting up the house, sorting out schools (and appeals), getting architects /builders round and doing all the housework, cleaning and life admin - it was busy.

I went back to work after a year as I wanted to talk to adults and do something that stimulated my brain.

I do look at some of my retired neighbours and in their big houses and think 'that looks nice'

The vast majority of women who have school aged DC and live here work. We do live in an expensive area so I guess it does mean that most people need 2 wages coming in.

I live in a four bed detached house but it probably cost less than your house as I live in a undesirable area.

I have a son with asd plus asd myself so whilst I'm grateful for what I have I still find life hard.

I would bet we earn less than you as well.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I agree it's important to have a sense of purpose. As their kids get older they tend to get dogs, maybe that works! And more into the gym and home decor etc- lots to feel busy with I guess. That's not me- I like my career and find it interesting and I worked hard for it and it's part of my identity (although I'm loving being on Mat leave now!) but I guess the ones that choose to be sahm are the ones who CAN feel fulfilled by domestic duties like the pp

I live in a big house but my husband isn’t working long hours.
We are in our 40’s. We contributed 50/50.
Our own hard work and no help from anyone.

It isn’t all hard work though. It takes a bit of luck and a lot of sacrifice (for us anyway).

I don’t need to work but I would be bored. I help people set up businesses or I set them up alongside them and then take a back seat.

I have been on both ends of the spectrum and I have experienced snobbery and inverted snobbery. The inverted snobbery is far worse but it says more about the person projecting.
I have seen some truly ugly of heart people.

It comes with different problems. You have to navigate chancers and tradespeople that try it on. False people. Family that you haven’t seen for years that seem to want or need something.

It would be a lie to say it isn’t easier in some ways.

i think it really depends on the person and how they have accumulated wealth. I know some very self centred people. I don’t know if it is because I’m from a poor background or whether I’m just empathetic but my desire to help others is strong.

Money doesn’t change people, it reveals who they are.

My SIL was one such woman. She also had a housekeeper and a team to do the pool/windows etc. Her husband was unfaithful, but she couldn't have proved it. Her children was her happiness. She'd book luxury holidays for them and later the grandchildren. She had lots of hobbies and ignored the state of her marriage.
Two other women I know are stuck because they don't want them or their children to drop down in lifestyle and would have no chance of affording the house or clubs their children go to, on their own. One does charity volunteering, the other makes her home her life. I use to envy SAHM of men with money, until I mixed with them.

Two things I'd compare and contrast.
For most of our married life we lived in London, not behind gates but in a substantial house worth twice our current one. About 8/9 years ago we moved out to what I'd call urban Surrey. We now live in a house like the op describes. In a private road, and our house is gated again. We are a 15/20 minute.walk from the shops but it's a lonely walk.

Despite the lovely house, and echoing another thread, the boot room, the music room, the garden room, set in 1/2 an acre, etc., it's very lonely. I'd swap back to our old house in a heartbeat, where Sainsburys was 5 minutes away on foot (the larder) and it was impossible to walk more than 100 yards without seeing a neighbour. Here, we went from January to May without seeing a.single one of our neighbours. There are few houses in our road, pretty though it is and passers by tend to be gawping dogwalkers. I recognise the collie, the retriever and the westies. I nod to their owners if I'm in the garden but in 7 years have never spoken to them - they are through the stile.at the end before I could get to the top of the drive.

We moved here when the DC unplugged from schools which I think made it harder. I'd hate to be here all day and not work. I'll retire in a couple of years and I'm dreading it.

As someone up thread said, the maintenance is another level and there is always something that needs replacing, servicing, repairing or cutting down. First world problem but don't get me started on tree preservation orders.

We have it largely because DH was very successful and is a workaholic. I'd have hated it here when he was at the peak of his career and away more than he was home. Paradoxically, despite the gates and the security, I felt safer in London and am glad DH isn't travelling any more. I miss the buzz.

Presently in France and prefer it here.

I am in that position. It's driving me fucking bananas.

I haven't worked properly for four years - 1.5 has been maternity, 2.5 has been dealing with a host of shitstormery when we inherited my two stepdaughters in very dramatic circumstances.

DH works, and I do the rest. Although I do freelance bits (quickly, squeezed in) and am financially self sufficient so not entirely a non-worker, but I find I am always rammed because everyone dumps all their shit onto me.

All the drama lands on my plate because I'm 'available'. Wouldn't happen if I was at work everyday. Today I have a whole house to clean, a garden to prep and an 18th birthday party to shop for tomorrow, party food to prepare, a cake to bake and ice, a vicar to meet with my dad and stepmum for my nans funeral (sister is exempt, she's too busy obviously) which I've been told to schedule three hours for, a phone to pick up in town ten miles away and the general day-to-day to do as well. And a toddler, and a 12 yo to lug about and manage.

I'd much rather be sat in my home office, running a couple of meetings like my DH will be!