To not respond to DD's father's texts?

[mylife9]

Ex and I separated 2 years ago, but we're still married. We share 6 year old DD who he only chooses to see, twice a year. I have prompted for more frequent visits but he refuses claiming he travels a lot for work (not true - he works from home and moved abroad to live with family/friends). Anyways, last year, he connected with DD on her ipad so he can have direct communication with her (his wish). He never calls, just sends interactive emojis or very short voice notes (literally, 3 seconds long) asking how she's doing, very sporadically (every 3/6 weeks). DD has completely forgotten about him to the point where I am constantly having to remind her to check if daddy sent her a message. A few months ago, I put him on child support and thankfully he's been paying on time with no problems. My issue now is instead of him directly contacting DD, he messages me to ask how she's doing, I've informed him previously that she has access to her ipad and can reply but he always finds something to text about. A few weeks ago, he texted to ask if we have a holiday planned, baring in mind, I informed him we're going away, 3 weeks prior - I didn't reply so he proceeded to text "?" every couple of days and then "can I please have some news". I have up until now sent him photos, videos, invitations to birthdays, reception graduation, theme parks etc. but with no appreciation from his part. He communicates only when he wants to and expects immediate replies. AIBU for ignoring his messages and only responding about visit arrangements?

Absolutely this OP.

You've done plenty, you're not his bloody PA and a relationship with a deadbeat dad is not one worth having anyway.

Your daughter already gets everything she needs from you, hence why she isn't bothered by checking for her dad's messages.

Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. Appalling attitude.

CHILDREN ARE NOT PAY PER VIEW.

they dont stop needing food, clothing, housing, entertaining, because dad cannot be arse to see them.

i cannot believe you didnt feel absolute shame after writing that garbage. Ffs.

I choose to respond.

If, the communication is as frustrating as OP puts it and clearly she feels she can do 'no more' to continue to facilitate the DD/Dad relationship, I fail to see why she wouldn't just cut it off. If leaving this stress to her 6 yo DD on her iPad- not responding etc etc is stressful even to adults-, is her only choice, then she has her priorities wrong.

I am 100% entitled to my opinion. No reason to swear.

What? What are you responding to? This is what you said that was utterly ridiculous. She is not his staff. The cm payments are not her wage. The man is paying what he legally has to pay for child maintanance.

More to the point, for as long as you are taking child support from this bloke, you need to continue communicating with him about his daughter- no matter how useless his communication is. Why are you taking his money otherwise???

and dont feel the need to choose to respond again. Take the time instead to think about why that statement was so utterly damaging.

can you block him from your normal phone/email and set up something specifically just for him? That way you can completely ignore him as much as he ignores his child.

I’d just send one monthly or bi monthly update text. Even if there is nothing just a DD had a lovely month nothing out of the ordinary.

Dd had a lovely month, she can’t wait to go Lego land next month.

Dd has had a hard time with medical continue this month X Y Z

Then when he texts asking if you are day going to Lego land, you can say as per last message we are going to Lego land next month.

You’ve got the proof that you sent regular updates when he decided to tell her you didn’t tell him anything about her life.

More to the point, for as long as you are taking child support from this bloke, you need to continue communicating with him about his daughter- no matter how useless his communication is. Why are you taking his money otherwise???

@mealtickety the money is his contribution to meeting his daughters needs. It's his only contribution. He's not involved in the day to day grind of looking after a child.

It is not, for the OP to provide updates, newsletters or any other tasks he deems necessary. If he wants to be involved, he can quite literally, be involved.

I would not go monthly so much as quarterly. If he wanted to know so much he would see her more often. Send him an update once every few months and then tell him you will not speak to him again until he has access or again in a few months. He has no right to demand you give up your tme to entertain him when he chooses not to see his child.

I agree with @OhmygodDont -maybe quarterly updates - a few lines 'DD doing well at school, looking forward to Christmas/Birthday/Holiday, can be available on these days next month and if you want to speak to her on my phone we can do that x time x date, please email me to confirm that you want to do that and I will call you. And for good measure send a snap of DD or a picture of a painting she has done.

I agree with everyone that you are not his PA and it shouldn't be for him to rely on you for this. But...these emails will be your receipts when he rolls up in later years and explains to your DD that you made it difficult. Or he didn't know about xyz big life event. This puts you in control of comms. And as for any other messages from him, just ignore. I would block him on everything and let him know you only want to communicate by email or post from now and you don't have time for chit chat between updates. Have his emails go into a folder automatically so they don't bother you.

More to the point, for as long as you are taking child support from this bloke, you need to continue communicating with him about his daughter- no matter how useless his communication is. Why are you taking his money otherwise???

That's not how it works. That's not how any of it works.

This right here… You are doing a great job. He is a loser.

Set a regular contact time and if he doesn’t make it, he doesn’t make it. He abandoned his daughter and has left you an insecure living position. F him.

It’s nice he’s asking after her? His own daughter? Wow give him a medal!! He sees her twice a YEAR he is a deadbeat dad who hardly replies …seriously how r u getting that he’s nice for replying???? 🤦🏼‍♀️

So he's doing to her what you're doing to him yet he has the brass back to be annoyed at you while he's literally doing that to a 6 year old kid? Dick.

So he's doing to her what you're doing to him yet he has the brass back to be annoyed at you while he's literally doing that to a 6 year old kid? Dick.

I agree. A 6yr old doesn't think about this. It's up to you to maintain basic communication and yes it's unreasonable to leave him hanging for days for an answer you have at your fingertips. It's not like he's forcing a conversation with you just collection of information.

It's not relevant how much of a dick he has been previously been

1.That's not how it works.

1. If he cared that much he could you know, actually see her or talk to her.

and the bar for men gets lower and lower

take his money

You mean, accept his financial contribution to meeting their daughters needs.

In the absence of any other practical or emotional contribution from him...

I agree. Fast forward to a teenage daughter. The last thing you want is to be accused of blocking contact with her dad. ideally you want to be able to show how the door was always open for him but he chose not to make contact.

This.

Amazed at the posters advising OP to bend over with regular updates etc.

Your STBX is an absolute twat, OP.

Christ on bike. Give your head a fucking wobble

I'm a bit confused as to where he lives and why he has so little contact. There are many pssible reasons and not all of them are bad (lives abroad, is depressed and struggling for ex). But regardless, when the kids were young both my ex and I made an effort to at least provide a short update on major stuff re the kids. A WhatsApp with a photo or just am FYI re holiday plans that sort of thing. Such as you did for the Sports day. In fact the easiest may be to setp a WhatsApp group with a bunch of family and then just post some generic updates on that "DD tried climbing for the first time" plus pic. Because your DD may want a stronger relationship with her dad when she's older and it may be useful for him to have a bit of context on things that have happened in her life.

Yes it's annoying for you and you are making all the effort but I do think you need to take a deep breath, no matter how annoying he is, and make some effort for your DD sake. Like I said, doesn't need to be special for him or every day but just a regular update for a family group. If you do this then I think you can reasonably ignore other requests for updates.

However, you have to tell him that, At 6 years old, she is too young to constantly be checking ipad so it would be best to have a set time at the weekends for messages or at least an agreement that messages are sent and replied to at the weekend. This is good practice for her device usage and makes it easier all round.

I wouldn't ignore his messages - I would answer specific questions. However, I wouldn't be providing a weekly/monthly update. If he wants to know what's going on in her life, he should be in her life. I speak from experience. I used to do this with my son's father, sending him pictures, videos, info about how he was doing, despite the fact that he didn't see him. One day I bumped into a mutual friend, who said that my ex had been proudly telling him all about our son - how well he was doing at school, his birthday party, the fact that he had learned to ride a bike etc, he had no idea that he hadn't seen him for 2 years. After that, I stopped updating him. I figured that the next time someone asked him how DS is doing, he will either have to lie/make things up or admit that he didn't know because he hasn't seen him. It's been 6 years since he last saw him. He doesn't deserve regular updates. If he wants to know what is going on in DS's life, he needs to have a relationship with him.

Thank you for for your input on this thread. I have decided to continue to ignore his messages. I'm not too sure about providing regular updates, just yet. If I do go down this route, updates will be brief and every couple of months. He can call and visit if he wants to. I have made him aware countless times, I am all for DD and him having a consistent and positive relationship. He clearly doesn't want to and I no longer want to force information onto him. He is a grown man in his late 30's, he can manage all other relationships just fine, as soon as it comes to his 6 year old daughter, it suddenly becomes problematic. I will 100% immediately reply to messages about visits and and an arrangement of weekly/monthly calls. If he calls to speak to DD, I will facilitate that, also. Going forward, contact on DD's ipad will be managed by me. Thank you to the poster who suggested checking for messages whenever I charge it - brilliant idea. Child maintenance is DD's entitlement. My only regret is leaving it too long to ask in hopes he'd prioritise DD and see her frequently. If I had known, he'd behave this way, I would've applied the minute we separated.