To not respond to DD's father's texts?

[mylife9]

Ex and I separated 2 years ago, but we're still married. We share 6 year old DD who he only chooses to see, twice a year. I have prompted for more frequent visits but he refuses claiming he travels a lot for work (not true - he works from home and moved abroad to live with family/friends). Anyways, last year, he connected with DD on her ipad so he can have direct communication with her (his wish). He never calls, just sends interactive emojis or very short voice notes (literally, 3 seconds long) asking how she's doing, very sporadically (every 3/6 weeks). DD has completely forgotten about him to the point where I am constantly having to remind her to check if daddy sent her a message. A few months ago, I put him on child support and thankfully he's been paying on time with no problems. My issue now is instead of him directly contacting DD, he messages me to ask how she's doing, I've informed him previously that she has access to her ipad and can reply but he always finds something to text about. A few weeks ago, he texted to ask if we have a holiday planned, baring in mind, I informed him we're going away, 3 weeks prior - I didn't reply so he proceeded to text "?" every couple of days and then "can I please have some news". I have up until now sent him photos, videos, invitations to birthdays, reception graduation, theme parks etc. but with no appreciation from his part. He communicates only when he wants to and expects immediate replies. AIBU for ignoring his messages and only responding about visit arrangements?

i don’t think I’d leave the only communication route as a 6 year olds iPad. You’ve said yourself she doesn’t always check it.

he does sound like a dead loss but tbh I think I’d be the bigger person and send a brief reply.

On a number of occasions he expressed his wish to communicate with DD directly and not through me. When she replies to him he takes a couple of days to open the message and then more to reply back to her.

YABU.

Your daughter is 6 so not exactly going to be able to communicate well so it's nice he is asking after her and taking an interest along side the ipad messages.

He asked a simple question about the holiday and it was rude for you not to answer it given it would have taken you 20 seconds to reply. He may have just forgotten you'd told him.

A short update every few weeks is not unreasonable.

It’s not tit for tat. Again it’s up to you, but I would try to remain the bigger person.

when your DD gets older do you want her father to try and pass the buck, saying that you didn’t reply to his messages asking how she was?

I see where you're coming from and it's always best to be the bigger person, although it's very difficult to be due to his past behaviour. I just feel like his interest/care is not genuine baring in mind he has previously gone 3, 5 and 7 months without asking how she's doing. Last year, he has also sadly put the house up for sale without mine nor DD's knowledge whilst we were still living in the property and claimed it to be vacant to the agency. She was hospitalised, he didn't ask about her. He has also missed all birthdays and special occasions. She had a chronic health condition, again he was aware but not once asked how she was getting on. In 2 years, he did the school run, 3 times.

I would tell him you'll update if anything he needs to know eg. Health, school wise comes up otherwise offer a monthly email update

Rather than responding to him why don't you send him updates and pictures at reglar intervals (3-4 times a year). That why you control it, instead of it being responsive to him at irregular intervals. Then don't respond to other texts unless it is urgent. I think it is fine for him to send her emojis or pictures and communicate directly with her as he wishes as long as it is age appropriate. When she checks it, she checks it.

I think at 6 it’s for you to help her facilitate a relationship with him, but for her sake - not his. But I’d not be at his beck and call with having to reply to texts when he decides he’s interested.

Could you send a monthly update to keep him informed of anything of interest ie “She had an opticians appointment last week but doesn’t need glasses. She’s been moved up a reading band at school” etc. “ That way you can show your daughter you tried to keep him involved if he ever claims you’re the reason he’s been such a loser of a dad.

Why should she enable a father as deadbeat as this twat?

Personally, I’d block him. What’s the point in him? He’s not interested in her at all, is he?

I think that in your position I would try to facilitate some sort of contact, with the ball in his court for whether he does it.

For example you could text him something like “we are always free between 6 and 7 on a Sunday night. Feel free to FaceTime dd on my phone if you would like to hear her news.

Then I would repeat that info every time he asks for an update and try to push him into a more sensible form of communication.

I think I agree with the poster above who suggests a monthly update. People do and can change and maybe he is. Your role is to facilitate him being in her life, no matter how much of a dick he is

Th moral high ground is overrated, as far as I'm concerned he has no right to know anything. I'd probably block him on everything and completely ignore his existence.

Basically OP, what people are saying is as well as doing your part as a mother, you have to faciliate and make happen any remnant of his part as a father because he won't do it. And if he won't then it must be your responsibility.

A man who only sees his daughter twice a year by his choice, doesn't also have the right to have his ex replying to his questions and texts as if he is an involved loving father who happens to work on the rigs for weeks at a time.. OP is living her life and rearing her daughter and he has opted out. He doesn't get to have a running commentary at the same time.

I suppose for the sake of your dd, I might reply curtly to him if he asked a specific question - "yes as I told you we are going on holidays" If he asked for news I might reply "you can call dd any saturday at 6-7 and she'll chat to you" I certainly wouldn't be sending him monthly newsletters as if he was a doting grandmother who lived in another country and loved to hear about her grandchild (as was the case for us). He is a man who has opted out of his daughter's life.

YABU it takes two seconds to send a response so he knows the plans, it’s not difficult, seems very tit for tat tbh.

your main priority should be your daughter, it should be her dads priority aswell, neither are coming across that way. Seems very unreasonable to expect a six year old to be the bigger person and maintain contact, he needs to understand that for contact he can contact through the iPad or through you and accept that, you shouldn’t be going “it’s my daughter’s responsibility to contact her dad on her iPad”

doesn’t sound like a healthy set up, you DD is the one stuck in the middle.. I don’t know why you wouldn’t reply when he’s asking a simple question? Absolutely no need, just send a simple and quick response 🤷‍♀️..

If he wants to know what's going on in his daughter's life then he has the option of being in it.

I'd have some kind of cut & paste response, such as:
"Your daughter would love to see you and tell you all about what's going on in her life. As you know it has been X weeks since you saw her last. Give me some rough dates of when you'd like to visit and we will coordinate something."

Simply change the number of weeks it has been since he last saw her each time you send it.

It is NOT your responsibility to manufacture a relationship between your daughter and her father; if he wanted to be a part of her life he would be in it. He has chosen not to be.

I guarantee all he wants is snippets of info, so when people ask him about his child he can say "oh, she's having a lovely summer, off to Y on holiday soon" etc and not look like the complete deadbeat dad that he is.

your main priority should be your daughter, it should be her dads priority aswell, neither are coming across that way.

Seriously? you are telling the OP her dd is not her priority in the same way she is not a priority to the man who sees her twice a year even though OP has pushed for more. That's a disgusting thing to say to a mother rearing her daughter on her own.

@Pallisers i’ve said BOTH of them should make there daughter there priority, I personally don’t think it’s healthy for the responsibility to be put on to a six year old child because parents are playing to much tit for tat to communicate effectively..

the dad should certainly be more involved, unfortunately he isn’t, doesn’t mean to say when he messages and asks questions regarding his daughter OP should just ignore him? Same as he can’t demand for a six year old to be held responsible for maintaining contact, it’s cruel.. the child is the one stuck in the middle because the parents can’t just communicate, it takes a simple response to his questions? Just as is takes a simple message for OP to say “it’s not fair on our daughter, any contact from now on is to go through me so she’s not disappointed”.

hardly disgusting thing to say is it🤔

YANBU . If he actually cared he'd be .. you know in her life. You can't clap with one hand and that's what you've desperately been doing for the past two years to try and ensure your daughter has a relationship with her father. By answering him, you're not even facilitating a relationship because it's all done through you so what's the fucking point?

Maybe just send an update of a couple of paragraphs once a week on a Sunday and answer texts briefly with short answers.

Try and schedule contact rather than leaving it to him because it's your daughter that misses out.

I know, he should be more proactive. But the dad she has is the dad she has, she cant have a new tone, so try and make the best of it for her rather than sitting back and letting him fail and telling her I Told You So.

YABU she's 6. At that age you should be facilitating and encouraging contact for HER benefit, even if he's useless. I wouldn't leave a child younger than about 11 or 12 to it.

What contact?

Is twice yearly contact, with a dead beat dad, a good thing?

"I am constantly having to remind her to check if daddy sent her a message"

The thought that a 6 year old:
1 - has completely unsupervised access to the internet here and theoretically anyone could start messaging her
2 - is being asked to check whether or not their father has sent them any messages (and probably feeling more deserted by them when they find they haven't been messaged)
Both worry me.

At this age their communications on internet should be monitored. In 4 years time do you really want her using this form of communication unsupervised? It's not advisable but if she's doing it now then she will see it as normal and you will have bigger safeguarding risks to worry about. I would cut out the iPad messaging, or monitor it yourself. Arrange facetimes with her Dad if that helps, so she has some contact.

Give him information. It'll make your life easier that way and help your DD. When she is at school will he come to parents evenings too? Or will you just give him summaries/end of year reports?