To not respond to DD's father's texts?

[mylife9]

Ex and I separated 2 years ago, but we're still married. We share 6 year old DD who he only chooses to see, twice a year. I have prompted for more frequent visits but he refuses claiming he travels a lot for work (not true - he works from home and moved abroad to live with family/friends). Anyways, last year, he connected with DD on her ipad so he can have direct communication with her (his wish). He never calls, just sends interactive emojis or very short voice notes (literally, 3 seconds long) asking how she's doing, very sporadically (every 3/6 weeks). DD has completely forgotten about him to the point where I am constantly having to remind her to check if daddy sent her a message. A few months ago, I put him on child support and thankfully he's been paying on time with no problems. My issue now is instead of him directly contacting DD, he messages me to ask how she's doing, I've informed him previously that she has access to her ipad and can reply but he always finds something to text about. A few weeks ago, he texted to ask if we have a holiday planned, baring in mind, I informed him we're going away, 3 weeks prior - I didn't reply so he proceeded to text "?" every couple of days and then "can I please have some news". I have up until now sent him photos, videos, invitations to birthdays, reception graduation, theme parks etc. but with no appreciation from his part. He communicates only when he wants to and expects immediate replies. AIBU for ignoring his messages and only responding about visit arrangements?

You're already the bigger person op. You're the parent who's there, meeting all your daughters needs.

He can't even be bothered to reply to her voice messages?? No wonder you're not with him anymore.

It's not up to you to enable this waster. If he wants to know what's going on on his daughters life, he can be in it. He is entirely responsible for his absence.

I would be tempted to tell him where to go, but I also tried to be the bigger person. Never wanted to be in a position that anyone could go "you didn't try, you didn't help, blah blah"

Your ex makes mine sound like a saint though OP, which he most definitely isn't!

Good luck, he sounds like a peach. Your daughter will grow up knowing who really was there fighting her corner

Thank you all for your responses, ideas and advice. Not sure if I've made it clear but I can't do more to encourage contact with a parent who doesn't want to be in his child's life. I have tried again and again and again, he said he is not interested and she is a mistake (literally his words). For example, last month, I invited him to attend sports day, and proposed to send him pictures and videos from the day if he couldn't make it, he said 'I'll let you know'. I also asked when he can see her and precised he could see her/have every day for 3 weeks straight (before we go away) if he wanted to, his response was the same 'I'll let you know'. It's been over a month, he hasn't responded to my requests. I have also been updating his family through phone calls, voice notes from DD, pictures and even personalised videos of her wishing them well on celebrations/Christmas etc. Return tickets from where he is to us are £20, he can definitely afford a monthly trip to see her, at least. Unfortunately, he's not interested in a monthly newsletter nor weekly updates. When DD messages him back he takes a couple of days to open her messages and then a couple more days to reply - she normally receives a reply within 4/5 days. I'm fed up of putting all the effort in. I have had a think about it and it appears if I provide him with regular updates, he will be discouraged from making any effort to see her or message her. It'll all be handed to him on a platter.

This.

she shouldnt be having to do this. this will cause her long term damage.

put proper controls on the ipad and stop telling her to check if the man who said she was a mistake and abandoned her has thrown her a crumb.

This too. Communicate about visits. Via email. Keep all emails. Ignore everything else. It doesn't benefit your daughter in any way. It is purely all for his benefit. And leaving her messages for days is cruel. Protect her.

do not set the standard for her over men’s expectations as low as her father. Dont make it seem normal. God knows on here we see so much of he is a great father, he {does something completely
normal and expected in a healthy relationship}, he is a great husband he doesnt hit me. Over and over. Every single day. So many women praising men for absolute basics of occasional human decency.

I agree. Once a fortnight update.direct contact only supervised by you.

I have previously asked if he could contact her on my phone, and we could arrange weekly calls in advance. It's much better for DD as she'd know when to expect his calls. It's also a good opportunity for her to show him new toys, drawings, books etc. He informed he'd much prefer direct contact on her ipad.

Seems more headache to not just reply, "she's fine" every few weeks, she's still young, I don't see a problem with responding about holiday.

I'd block him OP - as a PP said, it's not your responsibility to facilitate his relationship with her. He could try harder if he wanted to

Why are women always expected to be the bigger person to these deadbeat dads. He has an opportunity to have contact with his daughter and chooses only twice a year. Op - you are not his secretary you do not have to provide a monthly update when he chooses not to be a parent or in her life.

Distressing to me that a six year old is told to manage contact with her deadbeat dad herself through an ipad. She's six. That really shocked me. What is that teaching her in communication skills? How will she grow up to communicate or navigate relationship issues? Through her ipad?!

Get a grip. Countless brilliant ideas on here already about how to steer this. They all involve communicating as parents, regardless of frustration, disappointment, recrimination.

But letting your tiny kid forge a flaky screen relationship with someone who doesn't give a shit about her but has an important name ("dad")...why would you want to normalize that sort of interaction at such a vulnerable age?

Shocked tbh.

He leaves abroad and HE asked for it. OP did what she could to keep the relationship going. Probably a bit too much if you really want to blame her for something. Now she's done, which is fair enough.

It is shocking, I agree! What am I to do when he doesn't want to call on my phone, send voice notes, videos, visit? It is as important for him to have updates as it is her to hear from him. Is saying "your dad has sent a message to ask how you're doing and I replied you're fine" enough to facilitate/maintain a relationship between them. I'm trying to understand why it's more valuable for him to have updates than actually build a relationship with her. How is it beneficial for DD?

Again, thank you all for your posts💐

Because it's all about pandering to the man. If you would've posted about not agreeing to ipad contact you'd be slated for interfering and being controlling and getting in the way of their relationship . Now you're neglectful and horrible because he isn't doing what he actually asked for and changed the goal posts again.

Maybe you should reply “I’ll let you know” to his queries?

I agree with a previous poster who said he is only asking for information so that he can tell others he is a loving doting dad who keeps in touch.

He shouldn't have direct contact with her unspervuised on an iPad. I think agree to once a week updates, and dont reply outside of that time.

I think that the only bit that Yabu is expecting dd to check messages. That's a routine that kids pick up when they get their first phone and gone through the repercussions of missing calls and messages. I suggest that every time you charge the iPad, you check for new messages for her.

He is hypocritical expecting you to answer asap but taking 4-5 days with your dd.

What you need to remember is that you have no influence on his behaviour.

Firstly, I suggest that you stop chasing him for contact. There may be a part of him that enjoys the power and attention from you but also it could make him want to do the opposite because you are his ex and he doesn't want yo help you out. If he wants to see her then he can ask. Until then assume he wants to see her every 6 months (Christmas and her birthday by any chance?)

Most importantly, accept that he wants to be like a distant relative that you see twice a year. He wants the odd photo for bragging rights but isn't adult enough to consider how his behaviour affects dd. Accept that he's a hypocrite who just wants surface info like where dd is going on holiday. His behaviour is not your fault. Only he can change things but he has no desire to so you need to let it go. It's annoying that he doesn't listen to the info that you've given him like the holiday but that's not your fault.

I would personally block him. How dare he have the time and energy to bombard you with messages asking stupid questions but not have the same effort to call and speak with his child regularly and arrange regular visits to remain present in her life?

I wouldn't block him but I also wouldn't be allowing a 6 year old be the point of contact for communications with him and I also wouldn't be running after his family either with updates. If his family want updates, they must take an active role in her life.

I would, perhaps one evening a month, prepare an update and send it on to him saying this is what DD has done in the past month and next month DD will be doing X, Y and Z. Include a few (not all) photos of sports day or whatever she gets up to. Send that on.

Don't offer any more information than you have to. I agree with @Knackeredmommy saying that you're within your rights to say "She's fine" in a message.

I'd even consider, if you can afford it, putting the separation and situation you find yourselves in, on a legal footing and start divorce proceedings against him. No need to be unnecessarily tied to such a dead weight.

That would be my advice.

I came here to suggest switching communication through to email, which I see someone else has done. Much easier for you that way

Don't leave contact up to your daughter. How hurtful for her if Dad hasn't left her a message or replied.

I'd send a news email with pictures on the first of every month, or whatever will make him feel connected. It's in your daughter's interests that he does feel part of her life so definitely do this regularly.

I would tell DD that her dad loves her but not encourage her to have any expectations of him at this point. I would facilitate whatever contact he's prepared to have with her provided it's positive and consistent.

If he wanted a relationship with his daughter he would have one. You are under no obligation to keep him informed.

I would also prepare an update once a month and send it to him and his family, and otherwise ignore his texts etc unless he wants to see her at short notice. (Which he won't.)

Why have you not started divorce procedings?

Thank you guys. Not sure what else the monthly update would incorporate other than she's fine, attending school and partaking in extracurricular activities. We tend to travel during the summer holidays, so that's probably the biggest update/change to routine.