To not respond to DD's father's texts?

[mylife9]

Ex and I separated 2 years ago, but we're still married. We share 6 year old DD who he only chooses to see, twice a year. I have prompted for more frequent visits but he refuses claiming he travels a lot for work (not true - he works from home and moved abroad to live with family/friends). Anyways, last year, he connected with DD on her ipad so he can have direct communication with her (his wish). He never calls, just sends interactive emojis or very short voice notes (literally, 3 seconds long) asking how she's doing, very sporadically (every 3/6 weeks). DD has completely forgotten about him to the point where I am constantly having to remind her to check if daddy sent her a message. A few months ago, I put him on child support and thankfully he's been paying on time with no problems. My issue now is instead of him directly contacting DD, he messages me to ask how she's doing, I've informed him previously that she has access to her ipad and can reply but he always finds something to text about. A few weeks ago, he texted to ask if we have a holiday planned, baring in mind, I informed him we're going away, 3 weeks prior - I didn't reply so he proceeded to text "?" every couple of days and then "can I please have some news". I have up until now sent him photos, videos, invitations to birthdays, reception graduation, theme parks etc. but with no appreciation from his part. He communicates only when he wants to and expects immediate replies. AIBU for ignoring his messages and only responding about visit arrangements?

No divorce yet because of finances.

Starting divorce proceeding will be easier when I have a permanent work contract. I'm waiting to hear back from my manager of when that'll be granted.

Instead of a month maybe every half term ? A pic of her and maybe something she's written or drawn?

A school uniform pic in September is always a winner imo or am overestimating him?

He deserves nothing. Block him.

In fairness that is all it might need to include.

You could say what extracurricular activities she might be doing at the time but you don't have to expand if you don't want to.

I think you deciding to give him regular updates instead of being at his beck and call is a way of you having the power and control rather than giving it all to him and needing to respond when he happens to contact you randomly.

Personally I would prefer to control the dynamic and send him regular updates. If he wants to be involved he can be and if he doesn't, sending an update isn't going to change that.

I have zero interest in letting him control me and my time and the updates.

With kindness, OP -
Fuck the idea of ‘newsletters’ and ‘monthly updates’. What are you: his secretary??

Don’t ever badmouth him in front of your child, but you also don’t need to keep up the pretence that ‘daddy loves you’ either. She will make her own mind up eventually and just continue to do your best to make her feel loved and appreciated and develop her into a well-rounded person. If he asks to see her, or talk to her, enable it. But don’t actively chase it either.
I agree with a PP that developing a strong line in ‘I’ll let you know’ every single time he texts is the best route. You owe him absolutely nothing in terms of updates, and information about his daughters life, and I also agree he will be using these to pose as an interested dad to the outside world. Free up the headspace this wastrel takes up and stick to your ‘I’ll let you know’ line.
I did something similar with my ex in terms of simplifying what I would communicate to him, and it saved me a lot of time, anxiety and energy and I feel a whole lot better for it.
Good luck.

I would carry on inviting him to birthday parties etc (knowing full well he won’t turn up) and just respond without much detail to his messages.
You can’t be accused of not allowing him to be a part of her life and at the same time you’re getting on with your own.

@mylife9

If you haven’t seen the Barbie movie OP (overrated IMO) there is that great speech by America Ferrara which has been on social media.

when you come on mumsnet asking a question you can seem to do no right and get attacked from all sides. You can’t win.

im just coming on to say you are doing a Great job in bringing up your daughter. Do what’s right for her and you and no more and no less. If he can’t be arsed your daughter needs to become aware of that sooner rather than later.

carry on being you x

Why on earth should OP provide this man with weekly, monthly, or biannual updates? His DD is not an orangutan he has adopted for a monthly fee. He has every opportunity to see and speak to his DD, that's the update that he can access.

I fail to understand how sending a man who obviously has no interest in seeing his DD updates is 'prioritising DD'. In what way does that benefit DD? DD would benefit from having a relationship with her dad which is tangible. I think it's damaging that her only contact is via messages on an iPad and that her dad can't even be arsed to type out responses to her for 4 or 5 days. I'd block him off her iPad and tell him that he can see DD if he's willing to commit to a schedule of face to face time together. Not when he feels like it, at a frequency that he can commit to so that DD knows what is happening and knows what to expect. If he can't do that, I wouldn't promote contact at all.

I think it’s generally accepted that maintaining relationships with parents is a good thing for the child long-term

Id say you have that the wrong way round. It isn't the child’s responsibility. Or the mother’s who is doing absolutely everything.

Therefore Id change your thinking to the absent parent maintaining a relationship with THE CHILD is a good thing for the child long-term.

He has a responsibility towards his child. He doesn't want it and isn't fulfilling it. But it is nobody else's responsibility.

He sounds very controlling. Set yourself some ground rules, you don’t owe him anything.

I agree with pp who are saying about taking back control. The purpose of the suggested newsletters etc to dad are not for his benefit, but to demonstrate to DD that mum was not the barrier and remove the burden from DD of feeling responsible for maintaining the relationship with her Dad. I also think it might be lovely for DD to look back on as she grows up? Maybe do one ‘proper one’ for her and you to share - (every half term) and then a two line summary and photo to send to Dad. I’m sure life is pretty full on for you managing all this and having a moment to reflect on what a great job you are doing might be nice! The issue you seem to be grappling with is how to ensure your DD needs are at the heat of all this. Like others, I worry about the issue of reminding DD to check for messages from her dad.

You simply need to go to mediation. Get informal plans drawn up based on your expectations, and his, in terms of the frequency and medium of contact. I'm sure in this day and age there are organisations who will do this over video call.

My ex is more involved but useless at remembering the minutiae so all the time during term time I had to explain where the children will be on which day which was always a surprise. Despite them doing the same things all year long.

I have made a calendar and given him access. So I don’t need to answer the 4 o’clock phone call asking where the children are as they didn’t get off the school bus. They are at swimming/ musical theatre/ art club like they are every week.

My DS's father was like this. Didn't bother with him most of the time except when he got a new girlfriend and wanted to look like the doting dad. He eventually didn't bother at all. No loss, he's a loser.

What a twat. If he wants to be involved in her life he can make a bit more effort than sending some vague texts every couple of weeks.

OP I went to mediation with a man like this and he was told to my delight that its up to him to have the contact he wants.

If he wants to attend school event's sign up to the school email's, if he wants to see them he has to be consistent and stick to it. Anything he wants to know he needs to put the effort in.

However I was told that at the age they are communication needs to be between adults ad you're putting adult feelings and responsibilities onto a child. But as the mediator said to him, she's the mother of your child, not your PA you need to step up.

So no I don't believe you should be sending newsletters or updates. When you're already looking after the child on your own

i wouldnt even bother replying he wants control thats all my sister ex done this-was only in contact when he decided he wanted to speak to his son-didnt matter if his son wanted to speak to him other times

‘Hi Ex, this situation can’t go on, it’s u healthy for our daughter. We need a formalised plan for how you are going to conduct a relationship with her from now on. I would like you to let me know how much contact you want and a schedule for this and stick to it (I suggest one weekend a month, you visit us, but if you want to make it less frequent that’s fine, what she needs is consistency) - we also need a schedule for you contacting her while she is still so small (you can call/message on my phone once a fortnight if that works?), and for me
sending updates. You have made it clear she is not a priority for you, and you view her as a mistake, but for her long term mental health this cannot be the message you communicate through your actions. I won’t be facilitating ad-hoc contact any more, or replying to messages as and when, as frankly this is upsetting for her and also inconvenient for me.

Let me know what works for you as a schedule,

OP’

This.

YABU- no only because she is only 6, but you do need, unfortunately, to be the one bearing/carrying the emotional burden of replying to someone and they taking days to open and/or reply- that's damaging to a 6 yo.

More to the point, for as long as you are taking child support from this bloke, you need to continue communicating with him about his daughter- no matter how useless his communication is. Why are you taking his money otherwise???@StopMindlesslyScrolling

*not- the autocorrection on MN is outrageous