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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from family wedding

493 replies

WinchmoreWoes · 10/08/2023 14:15

I have been creating a thread then changing my mind about what to include as I think I come over as a smug bitch but I am just going to go for it.

I want my issue to be seen in a wider context so apologies for length. I am very, very happily married for the last 7 years. I lived with him for 18 months before. He is a really nice man who comes from a lovely family. When he asked me to move in his dad told him not to ask me unless he was sure he wanted to marry me and he did. Life has been wonderful since. He is decent and transparent. I couldn’t be happier.

DH said that his parents were really pleased as his sister wasn’t married and this annoyed and upset them. When I asked her children to be my flower girls she did roll her eyes a bit but she has always been lovely to me. I just got impression weddings weren’t her thing.

Her youngest child had a condition when it was born and obviously that was worrying going through operations and then her partner had what seemed a very minor accident which escalated rapidly and he is self employed. She was offered redundancy as she was restructured at work. Everything went wrong for her and smoothly for us. She is now back on her feet.

My mother-in-law rocked up two weeks ago grinning like a cheshire cat berating DH for keeping SiL’s planned wedding a secret.

I was so upset he hadn’t shared it with me but he said she told him in confidence.

It got worse as I am not invited to share the day. It is a mid-day register office with parents, siblings and her best friend and his male cousin as witnesses.

Now apologies again for the length but while I am upset I concede it isn’t my business. This is my AIBU my husband doesn’t see the issue, he could see that I would be upset if it was a massive wedding like we had but this is just a register office with close family. Am I not close family?
It is genuinely the first time we have had a major disagreement. If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence. He just doesn’t see that it’s a big deal that I haven’t been invited. He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer. I don’t know.

OP posts:
Lookingatthesunset · 11/08/2023 17:39

I just think it's really weird and rude to not invite partners or spouses. SIL did this to me. She only has one sibling, DH. What stung more was that she invited a cousin and her DH. I wasn't upset, just a bit snubbed, but what stung was the DH didn't see anything wrong with it.

It is what it is - I never said a word, or alluded to it. I still think it was rude and nasty though.

Twentytwothousand · 11/08/2023 17:51

He’s allowed to keep secrets from you that don’t directly affect you. You’re assuming you’re not invited because your life has been better than hers. There’s no evidence of that, she just wants a small, direct family only wedding. Not saying it’s logical but it’s her day, not yours.

Turquoise123 · 11/08/2023 18:04

I am with your husband . I think it’s pretty decent of him to respect her wishes to keep it secret. As no other spouses going it would be odd to invite you.

Snippit · 11/08/2023 18:33

I would love to be in your position. I have been invited to a family wedding this year and would sooner I hadn’t. There’s good reason why we buggered off abroad to get married. There’s always a bun fight when the drink flows, and they ruin everything.

Try not to worry about it, I don’t believe she’s being malicious, she just wants to keep it as small as possible possibly to keep the costs down. Just send a lovely card wishing her the best for her big day, it’ll make you feel better.

Pmen · 11/08/2023 18:56

WinchmoreWoes you are absolutely not being unreasonable. You are her sister in law married to her brother! I would be gutted that my husband not only didn't tell me but sees no issue with it. He should be refusing to go if you're not invited. She obviously has a huge issue with you.

toomuchlaundry · 11/08/2023 19:02

@pmen how do you work out that she has a huge issue with the OP? Does she have huge issues with all other partners too? Maybe she has a huge issue with being centre of attention and just wants a small wedding

Restinggoddess · 11/08/2023 19:04

Weddings may not be her thing - she only needs 2 witnesses and so could have done that if it’s ‘just a piece of paper’

What is odd is the deliberate move to keep you in the dark - if she had said ‘sorry, we have limited space, I hope you understand but we will have a party afterwards…’

You now don’t need to remind DH EVER when their anniversary is because it’s nothing to do with you- no need to get fussed over photos and wedding talk afterwards. It was just a day out for DH and siblings

I get where you are coming from
and would be wary of SIL from now on

toomuchlaundry · 11/08/2023 19:12

@Restinggoddess she was keeping her mum in the dark too, and she is invited. I bet she wanted as few people to know until nearer the date, so wouldn't have a mum going mother of the bride hyper drive. She probably was planning to have just the 2 witnesses then felt she had to invite parents and siblings

Hahehi · 11/08/2023 19:24

In my mind, married partners count as immediate family! YNBU. Especially if other spouses are invited. Married couples are a unit, that’s how it should be and how it should be recognised IMO.

toomuchlaundry · 11/08/2023 19:31

@Hahehi other spouses aren’t invited

Blueblell · 11/08/2023 19:34

I can understand this, they want to be married but don’t want a wedding. They probably considered whether they could drag two strangers off the street as witnesses as they didn’t want any family there. They then realised their mum and dad wouldn’t forgive them so they invited them and then realised they also had to invite their brother.

I wouldn’t be upset about it. For some people the thought of a wedding is terrifying. Your DH probably could have told you but in a way it’s good that he can keep a confidence.

Crazycrazylady · 11/08/2023 19:37

Pmen · 11/08/2023 18:56

WinchmoreWoes you are absolutely not being unreasonable. You are her sister in law married to her brother! I would be gutted that my husband not only didn't tell me but sees no issue with it. He should be refusing to go if you're not invited. She obviously has a huge issue with you.

Honestly I will never understand this sort of mentality. Sounds like sis is a bit allergic to weddings generally and is doing a tick box thing to keep her parents happy. Just parents and siblings .

Why you feel that op dh should miss his sisters wedding because she wants something very low key with immediate family is totally beyond me. Are you really that stuck for a day out. The poor woman

charabang · 11/08/2023 19:38

Your DH was right to keep his sister's confidence. I also don't think it is wrong to not invite in-laws and I disagree that they should be treated as a unit. I would never categorise my SIL as close as my sibling no matter how much I love her.

Anjelle · 11/08/2023 19:42

O no, the 'family secrets games'... I've been in a similar corner, and excluded from the event. In 2018, it occurred again but with a difference because I dealt with the matter differently and spoke to the sibling concerned with hubby present. No difficulties arose second time around.

If communication is open i.e. if SiL includes you by telling U their news; then explaining 'the close family only' scenario and confirms that 'no partners of siblings' are invited, then I think it works. But that point needs clarification. Otherwise, the fact is it's just nasty. Why? Because you are left with the complex mix of feelings which U are naturally experiencing and sharing with us. I am glad you have done so and am only sorry this has happened to you. It is hurtful too. Worse still, it shifts the family dynamic and that can rarely if ever be reversed. That is sad.

Sadly, your Sil's covert action undermines the possibilities of trusting harmonious relationship in future. But guess what? Be sure, she is going to need you in future.

On a final note, this recently happened to a colleague and the result is open warfare between Sils... Yikes.

M4J4 · 11/08/2023 19:50

Lookingatthesunset · 11/08/2023 17:39

I just think it's really weird and rude to not invite partners or spouses. SIL did this to me. She only has one sibling, DH. What stung more was that she invited a cousin and her DH. I wasn't upset, just a bit snubbed, but what stung was the DH didn't see anything wrong with it.

It is what it is - I never said a word, or alluded to it. I still think it was rude and nasty though.

How has it affected your relations with SIL? Do you see less of her?

M4J4 · 11/08/2023 19:53

jannier · 11/08/2023 17:25

What would we say to our children if we heard them say if you don't invite me to your party I won't be your friend anymore?

If a child has been excluded from a party I'd say let's take a step back and focus on other friends who do include you.

NoDought · 11/08/2023 19:56

Why do you refer to your niece/nephew as ‘it’?

swimminginthesun · 11/08/2023 19:56

I haven’t rtft but have read all of your posts, OP. I can’t really understand the upset to be honest. Maybe mild disappointment if you like weddings and would have hoped to be there but given how small it is, other partners aren’t invited either, you aren’t even that close to your SIL… what’s the big deal? As for your husband not telling you, he did the right thing. He had been asked to keep his sister’s confidence and he did that. Just because you are married doesn’t mean he has to tell you everyone else’s secrets! You are still two separate people. He has chosen to share his life with you. His sister didn’t make that choice and she should still have the option of confiding in her brother. If you were my friend and told me I could no longer confide in you without you relaying everything to your husband I would not confide in you and our friendship would be superficial, at best, from that point on. I wouldn’t keep my own secrets from my husband but I would keep other people’s because they are not mine to tell.

EKGEMS · 11/08/2023 19:59

As one who was not allowed at the bedside of my dying brother in law as I wasn't blood family I would be very hurt,OP. The only solace I have is my other brother in law also not blood relative was also barred and I never received a forewarning nor an explanation afterwards and I had been in the family ten years at that point. This shit never feels good

Hummingbird89 · 11/08/2023 20:00

YANBU. Tiny weddings are fine, but if you invite your siblings, that includes their spouse, end of. She’s horribly rude. I would be upset too OP.

Cucucucu · 11/08/2023 20:08

I would be upset too , to start , because your hubby didn’t tell you so I would have lost a lot of consideration for him and above all for not being invited . I have a very radical way of dealing with this sort of thing . I would not go to any family gatherings or allow my children to go ever again . You cannot only be part of the family when it pleases them . There is no cherry picking in my family . that’s not how a marriage works .

toomuchlaundry · 11/08/2023 20:17

@M4J4 are you bringing your child up to believe a friendship is only worth having if the parents can afford to invite you to a party

Messyhair321 · 11/08/2023 20:42

I'm going with yanbu I'd be upset too

Billybea · 11/08/2023 21:48

It could be that he hadn’t yet shared the news with you because SIL had TOLD him in confidence and stated that it was to be a very small wedding and that you weren’t going to be invited and he then wasn’t sure how to broach the subject. Don’t be upset. It’s probably quite difficult for your husband too. Let them have their day and you can all move on.

LivelyBlake · 11/08/2023 22:15

I've never heard of a anything like this, OP.

Do people really think it's normal to invite only one half of a married couple to weddings, christmas, important family celebrations?

If my DH told me one day that he's going to his brother's wedding and I'm not invited I'd be bewildered and upset. I wouldn't make a fuss though. Just ignore the rude couple from the on.