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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from family wedding

493 replies

WinchmoreWoes · 10/08/2023 14:15

I have been creating a thread then changing my mind about what to include as I think I come over as a smug bitch but I am just going to go for it.

I want my issue to be seen in a wider context so apologies for length. I am very, very happily married for the last 7 years. I lived with him for 18 months before. He is a really nice man who comes from a lovely family. When he asked me to move in his dad told him not to ask me unless he was sure he wanted to marry me and he did. Life has been wonderful since. He is decent and transparent. I couldn’t be happier.

DH said that his parents were really pleased as his sister wasn’t married and this annoyed and upset them. When I asked her children to be my flower girls she did roll her eyes a bit but she has always been lovely to me. I just got impression weddings weren’t her thing.

Her youngest child had a condition when it was born and obviously that was worrying going through operations and then her partner had what seemed a very minor accident which escalated rapidly and he is self employed. She was offered redundancy as she was restructured at work. Everything went wrong for her and smoothly for us. She is now back on her feet.

My mother-in-law rocked up two weeks ago grinning like a cheshire cat berating DH for keeping SiL’s planned wedding a secret.

I was so upset he hadn’t shared it with me but he said she told him in confidence.

It got worse as I am not invited to share the day. It is a mid-day register office with parents, siblings and her best friend and his male cousin as witnesses.

Now apologies again for the length but while I am upset I concede it isn’t my business. This is my AIBU my husband doesn’t see the issue, he could see that I would be upset if it was a massive wedding like we had but this is just a register office with close family. Am I not close family?
It is genuinely the first time we have had a major disagreement. If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence. He just doesn’t see that it’s a big deal that I haven’t been invited. He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer. I don’t know.

OP posts:
M4J4 · 11/08/2023 22:20

toomuchlaundry · 11/08/2023 20:17

@M4J4 are you bringing your child up to believe a friendship is only worth having if the parents can afford to invite you to a party

Bit of a leap!

toomuchlaundry · 11/08/2023 22:24

@M4J4 so if your child’s friend had a party and could only invite 5 people and your child didn’t make the cut you would tell them to focus on other friends who would include them

DragonDoor · 11/08/2023 22:30

LivelyBlake · 11/08/2023 22:15

I've never heard of a anything like this, OP.

Do people really think it's normal to invite only one half of a married couple to weddings, christmas, important family celebrations?

If my DH told me one day that he's going to his brother's wedding and I'm not invited I'd be bewildered and upset. I wouldn't make a fuss though. Just ignore the rude couple from the on.

If the wedding was an ‘event’, then yes, I would be upset too.

But it’s been clear from the original post that the couple getting married aren’t really into weddings and don’t want any fuss.

It is a tiny private ceremony. It’s the couples choice and I don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t respect this, as unconventional as it may seem.

Also, OP- consider getting this thread removed, it has grown in traction and may be picked up by tabloids or discussed IRL.

CuteOrangeElephant · 11/08/2023 22:37

My sister got married to her DH with just two friends invited, they went for a nice lunch afterwards.

I would have loved to be there, but I understand why she did it that way. I have not treated her any differently afterwards.

What a ridiculous drama some posters on here want to make.

LAMPS1 · 11/08/2023 22:39

Why would your SIL ask her DB to keep her wedding a secret from his wife. It’s a very strange thing to ask in my opinion. I wouldn’t be upset about him keeping the confidence but I’d be upset with her for not wanting you to know …why didn’t she want you to know …how odd. How long was he supposed to keep you in the dark ?
Yes, I would also expect to be have been invited and can see why you are upset but I certainly wouldn’t kick up a fuss about that.
I agree it’s odd that your DH doesn’t find the whole thing weird too.

saraclara · 11/08/2023 23:04

LAMPS1 · 11/08/2023 22:39

Why would your SIL ask her DB to keep her wedding a secret from his wife. It’s a very strange thing to ask in my opinion. I wouldn’t be upset about him keeping the confidence but I’d be upset with her for not wanting you to know …why didn’t she want you to know …how odd. How long was he supposed to keep you in the dark ?
Yes, I would also expect to be have been invited and can see why you are upset but I certainly wouldn’t kick up a fuss about that.
I agree it’s odd that your DH doesn’t find the whole thing weird too.

If you actually read all OP's posts you'll find the answer to your questions.

PhoenixIsFlying · 11/08/2023 23:06

It wouldn't bother me and I wouldn't expect my partner to tell me something that had been told to him in confidence.
I would send my SIL a gift and hope she is happy.
A wedding with minimal guests and fuss would be my choice too.
Please don't upset your absolutely lovely husband over this.

SilverBagLady · 11/08/2023 23:22

Don't think you're over reacting - just normal and feeling confused. What's upsetting you? Your husband (sorry can't get my head around all this initials crap) not telling you - your mother in law 'rocking up' and appearing to gloat about you not knowing - or not being invited? Whichever one, or two, or three it is - rise above it all. There's more than a slight whiff of glee in excluding from your in laws maybe they see you as 'Miss Perfect ' - well let them get on with it - do NOT give them the satisfaction of showing you're remotely bothered (might be time for a bit of retail therapy on the big day!). Your husband? God love him - he's trustworthy - hang on to him- there aren't many of them about! Come on girl - you're better than this! Oh - something gorgeous as a present - small but classy - Jo Malone candle? Wrapped just beautifully. How do you do it Miss Perfect! Good luck!

Mostlyoblivious · 11/08/2023 23:35

Would you have been let in on the secret once they were married? Yes I’m being an arse.

It is an odd set up and I would actually find it hard not to take personally as, from what you say, it isn’t a numbers thing. Immediate family I understand, however you now are as you are married, and also, a cousin isn’t immediate family - yes I know cousins can be super close, but not ‘immediate’ family (a bit like a husband and wife..)

saraclara · 11/08/2023 23:57

Mostlyoblivious · 11/08/2023 23:35

Would you have been let in on the secret once they were married? Yes I’m being an arse.

It is an odd set up and I would actually find it hard not to take personally as, from what you say, it isn’t a numbers thing. Immediate family I understand, however you now are as you are married, and also, a cousin isn’t immediate family - yes I know cousins can be super close, but not ‘immediate’ family (a bit like a husband and wife..)

OP has already said that she would have been told before the wedding.

There's no whiff of glee @SilverBagLady . It had been kept from OP's MIL as well, and when she spilled the beans it was because she'd just been told about the wedding, and was congratulating OP's husband for keeping the secret so well,* not realising that OP hadn't yet been told.

All this is in OP's posts.

*note the difference in DH's mum's reaction to him keeping it from her, compared to OP's

jannier · 12/08/2023 00:23

M4J4 · 11/08/2023 19:53

If a child has been excluded from a party I'd say let's take a step back and focus on other friends who do include you.

Show quote history

That wasn't the question it was would you encourage a child to blackmail an invitation by saying invite me or I'm not your friend....would you expect for example a small party gathering of say 3 school friends to a cinema to be extended to every child who threatens loss of friendship?

jannier · 12/08/2023 00:26

M4J4 · 11/08/2023 22:20

Bit of a leap!

Show quote history

Why? people are saying dump the sil despite not knowing if she can afford to extend the guest list yet everyone has read that there have been illnesses and struggles....that generally cause financial hardship.
At the end of the day it's missing out on a party regardless of being 5, 25 or 55

jannier · 12/08/2023 00:28

saraclara · 11/08/2023 23:57

OP has already said that she would have been told before the wedding.

There's no whiff of glee @SilverBagLady . It had been kept from OP's MIL as well, and when she spilled the beans it was because she'd just been told about the wedding, and was congratulating OP's husband for keeping the secret so well,* not realising that OP hadn't yet been told.

All this is in OP's posts.

*note the difference in DH's mum's reaction to him keeping it from her, compared to OP's

Show quote history

Yes but she's just the mother and Mumsnet rules say men have to dump their mothers for wives, girlfriends etc.

Mostlyoblivious · 12/08/2023 00:31

saraclara · 11/08/2023 23:57

OP has already said that she would have been told before the wedding.

There's no whiff of glee @SilverBagLady . It had been kept from OP's MIL as well, and when she spilled the beans it was because she'd just been told about the wedding, and was congratulating OP's husband for keeping the secret so well,* not realising that OP hadn't yet been told.

All this is in OP's posts.

*note the difference in DH's mum's reaction to him keeping it from her, compared to OP's

Show quote history

Completely missed that the Mum didn’t know / I thought that she was excitedly discussing it with her son and playfully telling him off for keeping it a secret from her dil - thanks for that clarification! I still think it is slightly odd.

savethatkitty · 12/08/2023 00:57

Confidence is a Confidence. You cannot be upset with that. Not being invited to the wedding is mean. Your SIL clearly doesn't like you.

saraclara · 12/08/2023 01:11

savethatkitty · 12/08/2023 00:57

Confidence is a Confidence. You cannot be upset with that. Not being invited to the wedding is mean. Your SIL clearly doesn't like you.

SIL and her partner haven't invited any of their siblings partners. I doubt they dislike them all. They've not invited any of their friends, other than one person each to be their witnesses because their parents and siblings can't. I'm guessing they don't clearly dislike all their other friends, aunts and uncles, cousins and any grandparents either.

This is not personal. It's about having the minimum of guests because they want their marriage to be private and minimalist.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 12/08/2023 02:05

What has possibly happened is that your DH was told very early on and asked to keep it confidential. Than at the point that other people were told about it they forgot to tell him it was no longer confidential. When running through who they had told about it, he knew so wasn't given an update.

It's always a difficulty with confidences about things that eventually become more widely known, not quite knowing at what point the confidence doesn't need to be kept any longer.

Mikki77 · 12/08/2023 08:12

Spend the day at a spa with a girlfriend and lots of champagne xx

Toomuchtrouble4me · 12/08/2023 08:48

I’d be miffed at the not telling me, but also sort of impressed that he can be trusted. However, I’d be really really upset to be left out of the wedding! It’s not as though you have 8 kids in tow. You are family, you are her brothers closest family and I would be seriously pissed off. Does that mean that you’re also not an auntie to Sil’s children? Im a bit of a cow so I’d be making a huge fuss and booking a week away somewhere expensive to get over the shock that I’m not family and make him suffer for not having your back. I wouldn’t go to a wedding if my DH wasn’t invited, and I don’t even like mine much.

RedoneP · 12/08/2023 09:09

I was the only family member not invited to my siblings and it was a big wedding. I was actually delighted as they aren't nice people. I didn't have to buy a gift or sit with inlaws etc which was great! My other family members were however, disgusted by my brothers move, however he is crazy and they didn't want to be there either. Tbh, don't be hurt you're not invited, be relieved. They sound awful. However, your husband should not go as a show of solidarity. Also, you sound like your inlaws aren't very nice. Mine are crazy too. I've been called "not family" by an in law. My husband was raging but it was denied. Personally, 20 years down the line and with inlaws ageing, it's glorious. When I'm called upon to care for my sick mother in law, I just think that I was called "not family " and smile that they're not my responsibility. In short, being shunned hurts, but long term it's a gift- you can shame them when they reach out for help in years to come. Just remind them "I'm not family ".

Dibbydoos · 12/08/2023 09:12

YANBU. Your DSIL has specifically kept you out of it, it was purposeful. Her little game that your DH played into has now done exactly what she wanted - to cause a rift. You could let her win and keep the rift she caused or beat her by forgiving your DH.

You need to have a very direct conversation with your DH that what she asked him to do was unacceptable because she asked him to be deceitful. You know she can invite who she likes and whilst you're upset about not being invited, you're more upset that he played her game that was designed to come between you.

I hope you can get passed this, @WinchmoreWoes. If it helps, think about how it might be if DH was no longer with you (as in dead) and that should help you realise what you could lose. Your DH sounds like a lovely man.

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 09:15

Dibbydoos · 12/08/2023 09:12

YANBU. Your DSIL has specifically kept you out of it, it was purposeful. Her little game that your DH played into has now done exactly what she wanted - to cause a rift. You could let her win and keep the rift she caused or beat her by forgiving your DH.

You need to have a very direct conversation with your DH that what she asked him to do was unacceptable because she asked him to be deceitful. You know she can invite who she likes and whilst you're upset about not being invited, you're more upset that he played her game that was designed to come between you.

I hope you can get passed this, @WinchmoreWoes. If it helps, think about how it might be if DH was no longer with you (as in dead) and that should help you realise what you could lose. Your DH sounds like a lovely man.

I really hope you’re not as paranoid as this @WinchmoreWoes.

toomuchlaundry · 12/08/2023 09:23

Wow some of you sound unhinged.

AncientBallerina · 12/08/2023 09:35

I can understand that you are upset. I had a kind of similar situation where we were told we could come if we wanted to!! It’s hurtful to feel that family members don’t want you at their wedding but it really isn’t that. They clearly aren’t wedding people but want to be married (sensible)! So they are having a very small event. If they start asking siblings partners, then they will need to bring children and it starts becoming what they don’t want - a ‘wedding wedding’.
We have also had a family occasion that was parents and adult children only, for practical reasons but I know that in some families this is unheard of.
The bit that would jar with me is the secrecy. It they are not into weddings then why the secret?. Bit dramatic. I think your husband needs to acknowledge that he shouldn’t have been asked to keep this secret. It’s kind of childish.
But overall honestly I think you need to be the adult here and accept that it is not personal and let them get on with it.

toomuchlaundry · 12/08/2023 09:41

@AncientBallerina think they just wanted DH to keep it to himself for awhile, probably more to reduce the wedding talk from the mum (who seems somewhat obsessed by them)