Excluded from family wedding

[WinchmoreWoes]

I have been creating a thread then changing my mind about what to include as I think I come over as a smug bitch but I am just going to go for it.

I want my issue to be seen in a wider context so apologies for length. I am very, very happily married for the last 7 years. I lived with him for 18 months before. He is a really nice man who comes from a lovely family. When he asked me to move in his dad told him not to ask me unless he was sure he wanted to marry me and he did. Life has been wonderful since. He is decent and transparent. I couldn’t be happier.

DH said that his parents were really pleased as his sister wasn’t married and this annoyed and upset them. When I asked her children to be my flower girls she did roll her eyes a bit but she has always been lovely to me. I just got impression weddings weren’t her thing.

Her youngest child had a condition when it was born and obviously that was worrying going through operations and then her partner had what seemed a very minor accident which escalated rapidly and he is self employed. She was offered redundancy as she was restructured at work. Everything went wrong for her and smoothly for us. She is now back on her feet.

My mother-in-law rocked up two weeks ago grinning like a cheshire cat berating DH for keeping SiL’s planned wedding a secret.

I was so upset he hadn’t shared it with me but he said she told him in confidence.

It got worse as I am not invited to share the day. It is a mid-day register office with parents, siblings and her best friend and his male cousin as witnesses.

Now apologies again for the length but while I am upset I concede it isn’t my business. This is my AIBU my husband doesn’t see the issue, he could see that I would be upset if it was a massive wedding like we had but this is just a register office with close family. Am I not close family?
It is genuinely the first time we have had a major disagreement. If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence. He just doesn’t see that it’s a big deal that I haven’t been invited. He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer. I don’t know.

Dreaming things up by mentioning an actual, real situation?
Sure
You said that partners mean living together but it's not that unusual now for couples not to live together even in established relationships.

The B+G have invited the bare minimum of family. They haven't invited ANY partners. It's not snubbing the OP because they have treated them all the same.

It's not snubbing the OP because they have treated them all the same.

Of course it is snubbing the OP; just because there are other people in the same "category" not coming, doesn't mean this was not a rude awakening to the OP that she is not close enough to SIL to merit an invitation. Regardless of what her "rank" is in the family tree.

She thought that she and SIL had a warm relationship that was irrelevant to her status as "just a partner's spouse" and she has learned otherwise. When the chips are down she's just an in-law and her presence at important family events is dispensable.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune can you not just accept that B&G want the most basic of weddings and are keeping the guest list very small. They are not snubbing people

The B&G can do as they please, naturally. And their choices will have consequences. In the OP's shoes, I'd keep it to a superficial relationship going forward; polite chitchat at what few family events I'd bother to attend. No girls nights out, no babysitting for SIL's kids, no wife work for DH; let him sort out presents for whatever family members he wishes to give to.

In other words, as far as that family is concerned, I'd keep to my appointed place as "merely" partner's spouse, non-essential to important events, and reserve my time and energy for more pleasant relationships.

Or
Sis is close to her, doesn't like big weddings, is having a very small guest list and is only inviting the most immediate of family. Sis isn't intentionally trying to snub anyone or viewing it as a hierarchy or thinking less of OP. Sis is just having her marriage (it's not like it's a massive wedding with party and cake and speeches) the way she wants it.

It's really not as cruel or deep as so many want to make it

And your response says a lot more about you than it does about OP's SIL

Why do you feel the need to make personal remarks about other posters instead of sticking to the subject under discussion?

It may not be cruel or deep, it may even be well intentioned, but it's very stupid and short sighted.

I've seen people regret these things in later years and often it's too late, the damage is done and the relationships never recover to what they used to be.

People do have long memories, rightly or wrongly.

This is the equivalent of a child saying 'shows what you know, neh neh neh neh neh'.

No it's not
The childish one is the one going "if I can be bothered to turn up" about family events just because SiL wants a very small wedding.

Don't like it being pointed out your response is rude and childish?

But @AnObserverInThisDarkWorld os right. People are telling OP to change her relationship with SIL because she wasn’t invited to their extremely small wedding. Now if they were having some amazing lavish all day affair with 200+ guests with every guest having a plus one (no matter whether that plus one fitted the definition of partner or just some random) and the OP was not invited (and her DH was told OP didn’t fit the definition of plus on) then she would have the perfect right to feel snubbed and I would agree with posters that maybe she should look at her relationship with SIL. But this is not what is happening. They just want a very small guest list.

Maybe, OP will find out more and hopefully after an explanation she will feel better. Obviously, if SIL turns round and says she hates all the siblings’ partners then OP can snub the SIL but I am sure that is not the reason OP didn’t get an invite

Thank you

And TBF, SIL could say she just doesn't get on with X's partner and so the fairest thing was not to invite partners for example, and it also wouldn't be a snub (unless you were the partner!)

My responses are perfectly mature and civil. You might want to read back over the thread.

In that case, do you think that all the couple's friends should not bother with them any more? All their aunts and uncles?

No because it's fine, imo, not to ask a couple, whatever their relationship to the bride and groom. Their wedding, their choice. It's not fine to ask one half of a married couple when you're talking about a sibling's spouse who you know well, it's socially inept.

It must be exhausting to live one's life planning negative payback for everything

It's literally the exact opposite of planning. It's not planning at all, as @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune says, just taking a step back from being heavily involved with in-laws to being slightly less involved. There are countless threads on MN recommending this course of action to OPs when they feel the relationship is not as close as they had previously thought.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune you are encouraging the OP to act like a petulant child and change how she interacts with her SIL

Maybe SIL doesn't view weddings as being as meaningful as OP does so doesn't think she is causing offence. As others have said she may be trying to get away with the least possible fuss.

I do see why OP feels a bit hurt but if her relationship with SIL is otherwise good it seems a shame to spoil it over this.

Family can actually be witnesses at a wedding. My late DP and I were witnesses at his sister's wedding.

No because it's fine, imo, not to ask a couple, whatever their relationship to the bride and groom. Their wedding, their choice. It's not fine to ask one half of a married couple when you're talking about a sibling's spouse who you know well, it's socially inept.

Exactly this.

@WinchmoreWoes You're either family or you aren't and she is showing you she doesn't consider you part of the family.

If she can have her brother there, she can have her sister in law there.

She's a sly one and you are 100% right to be upset.

You DH is a knob for enabling her behaviour as well.

I'd go no contact with her. F*ck her! She want's to exclude immediate family and you ARE immediate family then she can live with the consequences.

Judging from the OP's posts the couple already have compromised both by getting married at all, and by having the parents and siblings there in addition to the obligatory witnesses (who can't be close family).

I wouldn't personally care if DH kept a secret like this for his sibling. Its none of my business and its up to them who they tell. He is my DH but he is there brother and that's special in its own right. I did not tell DH when my sister was pregnant, until they family-announced it (weeks before friends knew). However this is a DH issue you should speak to him about.

Am I not close family? No. You're the woman her brother chose to marry. I'm sure you are lovely but you're not her friend (by the sounds of things). I love my sisters in law and look forward to seeing them at family events but I wouldn't invite them out for lunch.

As long as SIL has treated all of the siblings spouses the same I don't think you have a reason to be upset. She wants it just her close family and people she knows well.

You're the woman her brother chose to marry.

I have 3 SILs married to my brothers. I’ve never had a bad word with any of them in the 3-4 decades I’ve known them.

My SIL(s) are the person my lovely brother(s) chose to spend their lives with, so there must be something quite special about them. They are the mothers of my n&n’s. They are deserving of respect. Why would I want to piss off my sibling?

Being inflexible on your wedding only backfires on the B&G. Once the clock strikes 12, your wedding day is over, and no one needs to bite their lips any longer.

Totally agree @AbsolutelyCreamCrackered . It's a sure fire way to push people away, they won't forget.

A best friend of bride and a best friend of groom...who happens to be a cousin but not their partners....the best friends will have more meaning than the sil and probably been in their lives supporting them through the shit for years.

What would we say to our children if we heard them say if you don't invite me to your party I won't be your friend anymore?