Excluded from family wedding

[WinchmoreWoes]

I have been creating a thread then changing my mind about what to include as I think I come over as a smug bitch but I am just going to go for it.

I want my issue to be seen in a wider context so apologies for length. I am very, very happily married for the last 7 years. I lived with him for 18 months before. He is a really nice man who comes from a lovely family. When he asked me to move in his dad told him not to ask me unless he was sure he wanted to marry me and he did. Life has been wonderful since. He is decent and transparent. I couldn’t be happier.

DH said that his parents were really pleased as his sister wasn’t married and this annoyed and upset them. When I asked her children to be my flower girls she did roll her eyes a bit but she has always been lovely to me. I just got impression weddings weren’t her thing.

Her youngest child had a condition when it was born and obviously that was worrying going through operations and then her partner had what seemed a very minor accident which escalated rapidly and he is self employed. She was offered redundancy as she was restructured at work. Everything went wrong for her and smoothly for us. She is now back on her feet.

My mother-in-law rocked up two weeks ago grinning like a cheshire cat berating DH for keeping SiL’s planned wedding a secret.

I was so upset he hadn’t shared it with me but he said she told him in confidence.

It got worse as I am not invited to share the day. It is a mid-day register office with parents, siblings and her best friend and his male cousin as witnesses.

Now apologies again for the length but while I am upset I concede it isn’t my business. This is my AIBU my husband doesn’t see the issue, he could see that I would be upset if it was a massive wedding like we had but this is just a register office with close family. Am I not close family?
It is genuinely the first time we have had a major disagreement. If my brother wanted to tell tell me something in confidence I would tell him not to unless he was happy for DH to know as well. My DH says a confidence is a confidence. He just doesn’t see that it’s a big deal that I haven’t been invited. He has asked me what I expect him to do to reconcile our differences but I actually can’t answer. I don’t know.

I've only explained my own approach to these things, which has meant good relations with my friends and family. 'Let people be' is very dramatic, what control do you imagine I have over other people, who are free to do what they want?

My take on this is that SIL has had years of her parents going on about the fact they aren't married. It is possible that someone then said to SIL (maybe when her partner was poorly) there are times when it is easier if you are married from legal point of view etc. So they decided one day that they would go down the registry office with Bill and Julie as witnesses all done and dusted, no fuss and drama. Then SIL thought of the dramatics from her mum, so thought right we better invite parents and siblings, but no more as we just want this to be the legal bit. And we know OP is a sensible lovely person and she will understand why we are doing this. That is also why they didn't tell the mum straight away so wouldn't have to listen to her going on about it and probably wanting a magazine shoot type wedding.

Would you be willing to pay for the tier you're in to be included or would you rather sit back smugly and see the newlyweds struggle financially to please arsey people who don't actually care about them but just want a knees up and opportunity to show off a new outfit?

@M4J4, but there will always be someone who is offended they weren't invited or someone else was, invited where do you draw the line

we better invite parents and siblings, but no more as we just want this to be the legal bit.

Except friends and cousins are invited too.

Letting people be isn't very dramatic. It's the opposite, not causing any drama.

My aunt has been in a relationship for 10 years but doesn't live with him. My cousin lived with a man she'd been with for a year.
By you're definition my cousin's partner counts more than my aunt's....
See where issues come in?

Also

OP now knows she doesn't make the cut, as either a friend or relative

friends and most relatives aren't invited either...

How do you know they could afford another 4 to 6 people how do you know they are even having any celebration? Or are you suggesting they only include the op and the other partners and in-laws who are also not attending don't count? Jesus I'm telling my son to Elope on the basis of this post I'll forgo being there rather than now how horrible people are.

@M4J4, they were the Bill and Julie in my example, the witnesses, who probably had been invited in the first place

I think basically your 100% right but so many on here don't care and it's just a status fight for them, they don't care about the couple just want to say I've got another invite.

Draw the line where you wish but better to be upfront and make clear why you're drawing that line, don't leave it for people to find out like this, as it will burn bridges.

As I said, however well intentioned she was, I think she has been very stupid or doesn't care.

To me it's a bit tone deaf not inviting both halves of a happily married couple to your wedding, because if you expect people to acknowledge your wedding, it's little gauche not to acknowledge theirs… But I accept that it's absolutely the bride and groom's choice who they invite.

However, if OP is considered just 'extra people' rather than close family then surely she is being reasonable to put her SIL in the same category in the future? It's fine not to prioritise people who don't prioritise you, some might even consider that a healthy boundary to have.

One friend (bride's witness) and one cousin (groom's witness). Parents and siblings can't be witnesses.

So again, perfectly reasonable and logical decisions on the part of bride and groom. Parents, siblings, one witness each.

Seriously a) read OP's posts properly and b) stop looking for trouble and non existent inconsistencies. The couple have made clear and logical choices.

Surely if you only invite parents and siblings you are going for minimum guest list, rather than the definition of close family. Also, was the cat let out of the bag earlier than it should have been. Maybe, SIL was going to chat to OP at some point but mum got there first

You're just dreaming things up, now.

In traditional etiquette, married couples are treated as a social unit. In more contemporary etiquette, that is extended to those cohabiting in committed relationships, as a minimum. Minimum. There is nothing precluding the bride and groom from inviting people beyond those social units.

The point is the OP thought she was close family, and had a close relationship with the bride, for whom she has a lot of sympathy and well-wishes, per the text of the original post here. And she's received a rude awakening that when the chips are down, she's not considered close family. She is not unreasonable to be hurt by this realization.

As to not being able to afford a handful of more people, come on! The most feeble of excuses.

Well said, on both points.

Seriously, stop patronsing anyone who has a different opinion to you. The net effect is it's not just parents and siblings.

Stop policing the thread, it's not a good look.

In that case, do you think that all the couple's friends should not bother with them any more? All their aunts and uncles? All the other people (blood relatives even) who haven't been invited for this single half hour of their lives, should henceforth not prioritise SIL and BIL over anything or at any event in the future?

It must be exhausting to live one's life planning negative payback for everything you consider a personal slight (even when it isn't)

ONE friend and ONE cousin are invited as the witnesses.
Unless you think Sis has no cousins or other friends and Sis DP has no friend and only one cousin....

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune but nothing is saying she doesn't have a close relationship. It doesn't sound as if B&G are having a small lavish do, they are just having a small basic wedding, nearly the minimum they can get away with. Every time they add an extra person, it starts to get large, because if they add OP, they will need to add siblings' partners, and maybe the witnesses have partners, do they invite them. A best friend has been invited on one side but not the other, should they invite the best friend on that side. But then another friend thought they were best friend, so why haven't they been invited. Maybe there is more than one cousin, so what about them and so on. And let's not even mention children!

Seriously, read OP's posts properly. It's not just a single half hour, there is a meal afterwards to which OP is also uninvited.

I'm not policing the thread. I'm pointing out that you were factually incorrect. "Cousins and friends" have not been invited. One cousin and one friend are witnesses. All the guests are immediate family.

That's what it sounds like. MIL found out and said to DH about it because she was a bit peeved she hasn't been told. OP heard and has taken it personally despite the fact she would likely have been told when Sis was ready

It is policing the thread when you tell people how to post. It's nitpicking when it suits you. Why weren't you factually correct about the 'half hour of their lives'?

This is a terrible suggestion and if someone came in here saying my DH said I can’t go to my sisters wedding because he’s not invited, nor are other siblings partners, I now have to invent an imaginary “family day” which is suddenly more important, everyone would kick the fuck off and rightly so