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Original poster

To not pay for DPs brother's dinner

267 replies

Beetmuffin · 10/08/2023 13:10

It's DP's birthday tomorrow and we were going to have a casual meal out at a nice pub (my treat). DP has just invited his brother to join us. He's nice guy, 30, bit immature for his age, single, doesn't have many friends and doesn't have a lot of money. The family kind of takes pity on him for every little life difficulty he faces and spoil him a lot. Which is why DP has invited him.

I'm totally fine with the brother coming along. But this also means I'm going to have to pay for DP's brother's meal too (it will end up being £50/60+ per head with desserts and drinks). I can't exactly pay for DP's and ask brother to pay for himself can I?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 12/08/2023 12:42

So he orders the most expensive item for each course and plenty of drink and then pisses of for 15 mins when the bill arrives.

This is what happens when you subsidise someone for too long they start expecting it and taking liberties with your generosity.

Your DP put you in this position, he didn't need to invite his feckless brother, make sure one of them pays you back, they've both been rude.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 12/08/2023 13:02

I think you’ll be doing him a favour making him pay, can’t imagine this behaviour is going to help with making friends/finding a partner etc

rookiemere · 12/08/2023 13:08

Personally I'd be reflecting on my relationship. Your DP knew for sure who would be picking up the bill - otherwise why didn't he say to you to wait until his DB finished his exceedingly long toilet visit?

Who's paying for these takeaways ? Again if it's you why isn't he paying his DBs share instead of letting you subsidise him ?

We kind of got into this mindset with DSIL and their family until a few years down the line I realised that most of their offspring had more disposable income than we did, but somehow there was this world view that DH was the rich one and could pay for everything. DH enjoyed it somewhat I think as it made him feel successful, but the reality is like everyone else our salaries haven't really kept up with inflation.
Happened to me again recently ended up paying for a couple of things that I would never have accepted from another adult other than my DPs. Trouble is if you're not used to acting that way, it's hard to always keep your wits about you and be really blunt about what you will and won't pay for.

Going forward if it were me, not one penny of my money would be going towards DBIL. Takeaways - well your DP can put them on his card, and you pay your share only. Meals out - why is DB coming on a couples night out anyway? If your DP doesn't accept this, then perhaps he isn't the right one for you.

billy1966 · 12/08/2023 13:21

@rookiemere I agree with you and with others.

There are two CF's in that family that think the OP is a very soft touch.🙄

Will you be paying for everything now that he is out of work too?

....And some women wonder how they end up with some non prizes of men.

TallerThanAverage · 12/08/2023 13:21

If next year when it’s your DPs birthday you find yourself in the same situation wait out the trip to the loo until he returns,

AllGrownUpp · 12/08/2023 14:25

I’d have waited until he return from the bathroom.

twoandcooplease · 12/08/2023 14:40

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 12/08/2023 13:02

I think you’ll be doing him a favour making him pay, can’t imagine this behaviour is going to help with making friends/finding a partner etc

Agree

How long are you giving him before a giddy-up?

GabriellaMontez · 12/08/2023 15:06

Thankfully, DP said I don't need to pay for BIL

Thankfully? And yet you did...What a shower of shit the pair of them are.

And they saw you coming.

ItsNotRocketSalad · 12/08/2023 15:10

So I pay.

Lost sympathy for you here.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/08/2023 16:01

Of course he wont pay but if DH chases him for it he will bitch to the family about it and his parents will probably pay for the meal.

DH needs to stop inviting him to things if it is your money he would be spending. As the great MN saying goes, you have a DH problem, not a BIL problem.

Therealjudgejudy · 12/08/2023 16:23

Your DP and his brother are a pair of CF's.

They both took advantage of you. I would text him again and say these are my bank account details, please pay me what you owe me asap.

LookItsMeAgain · 12/08/2023 16:26

When your DP said this:

Thankfully, DP said I don't need to pay for BIL and said I should ask him for his share.

What you should have done was ask for separate bills. Then you pay yours, wait for BiL to return from the loo and he gets presented with his own bill. You and your DP can slip away then as you've paid for what you had.

But you'll learn for the next time...and believe me there will be a next time.

WildNorthEast · 12/08/2023 16:31

Why didn't you wait until he came back so that you could split the bill before paying?

MeridianB · 12/08/2023 17:51

Sorry OP. I agree with others that DP is part of the problem.

And there is no way I’d be letting the brother get away with this. Ordering the most expensive food and then hiding when the bill was due? I don’t understand how any wants to ever spend time with this con-man, so your DP inviting him for a free dinner at your expense would be ringing alarm bells.

Raindancer411 · 12/08/2023 20:23

If he doesn't pay then I would be eating earlier when he is due around so you don't have any more takeaways.

Is your partner going to chase it do you know?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 20:28

TomatoSandwiches · 12/08/2023 12:42

So he orders the most expensive item for each course and plenty of drink and then pisses of for 15 mins when the bill arrives.

This is what happens when you subsidise someone for too long they start expecting it and taking liberties with your generosity.

Your DP put you in this position, he didn't need to invite his feckless brother, make sure one of them pays you back, they've both been rude.

Yes!
If he hadn't ordered so extravagantly I might have just let him off and paid it for a quiet night but asked dp not to invite him unless he's going to pay in future BUT ordering all that expensive food!!!!

Whether or not you ever see the money again you've made your point with the monzo request

Changingplace · 12/08/2023 20:29

Thankfully, DP said I don't need to pay for BIL

Why did you feel you needed your DPs approval on this and why on earth did you pay it?

I’d have asked for the bill, paid 2/3 and when he came back said your portion of the bill is £xyz, you’ve done yourself no favours, you’ll never see that money again and both your DP and his brother are CF of the highest order.

Changingplace · 12/08/2023 20:30

WildNorthEast · 12/08/2023 16:31

Why didn't you wait until he came back so that you could split the bill before paying?

Agreed, I’d have paid my portion and left the rest for him to sort, no matter how long he tried to hide in the loo.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 20:30

ItsNotRocketSalad · 12/08/2023 15:10

So I pay.

Lost sympathy for you here.

I would have done the same though in the moment when it's the birthday treat I couldn't cause a scene there and risk being the bad guy.

But I would just never ever ever let it happen again by never inviting him again and /or insisting my dp said 'right it's you're turn tonight isn't it' next time

billy1966 · 12/08/2023 20:35

"Thankfully my DP said....."

Well clearly that was complete bullshit as he sat there as his CF brother scuttled off to the loo to avoid the bill.

OP, I think you have a really low bar and can look forward to a long hard life ahead of you, paying for the CF's in your life, and their siblings.

Life is so hard when those around you see you as a mug.

You so deserve better.

cherish123 · 12/08/2023 20:38

Depends on your finances. Do you know his brother well? Why did bf invite him? Tell BF if he wants to spend birthday with brother you can treat him another time. Just split the bill 3 ways.

RedHelenB · 12/08/2023 20:39

DPotter · 10/08/2023 13:14

Just make it clear to BIL before your all arrive at the pub that you'll be paying for DP & yourself and he'll need to pay for himself. Then if he can't afford it, he has the chance to backout

This. Although if it will make your DP happy to have his brother there thrn I'd pay or personally.

ItsNotRocketSalad · 12/08/2023 22:19

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 20:30

I would have done the same though in the moment when it's the birthday treat I couldn't cause a scene there and risk being the bad guy.

But I would just never ever ever let it happen again by never inviting him again and /or insisting my dp said 'right it's you're turn tonight isn't it' next time

Show quote history

What scene? Her boyfriend had already given permission (not that I'd need permission but OP seems to feel differently) for her to not pay for his brother. There was absolutely no need to pay.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 22:28

@ItsNotRocketSalad you're absolutely right. She should have left the steak cheese and beers off the bill and gone on her own lengthy loo break while the brothers sorted the next bit out between them!

uncomfortablydumb53 · 13/08/2023 00:46

Bit cheeky of him to want BIL to join you for his birthday treat
Especially as it's a special occasion
I'd make it clear that you have only budgeted for the two of you
Even if you can afford it, it's not the point