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Original poster

To not pay for DPs brother's dinner

267 replies

Beetmuffin · 10/08/2023 13:10

It's DP's birthday tomorrow and we were going to have a casual meal out at a nice pub (my treat). DP has just invited his brother to join us. He's nice guy, 30, bit immature for his age, single, doesn't have many friends and doesn't have a lot of money. The family kind of takes pity on him for every little life difficulty he faces and spoil him a lot. Which is why DP has invited him.

I'm totally fine with the brother coming along. But this also means I'm going to have to pay for DP's brother's meal too (it will end up being £50/60+ per head with desserts and drinks). I can't exactly pay for DP's and ask brother to pay for himself can I?

OP posts:
LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 12/08/2023 10:31

sounds like it was handled well by you and your bf. Hopefully he pays up and doesn’t make it awkward, your bf should definitely chase him if not. Your bil sounds very cheek and like he’s used to taking advantage.

Silvers11 · 12/08/2023 10:38

Well I hope you get the money. The brother sounds like a real CF but I think you handled it well on this occasion. I would ask your DP to chase it up if it doesn't appear. If it doesn't, then I guess, if there's a next time, you wait it out while he disappears to the toilet and don't pay the bill until he returns!

CherryMaDeara · 12/08/2023 10:39

So glad you asked for the money. I hope he pays it.

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 10:43

CherryMaDeara · 12/08/2023 10:39

So glad you asked for the money. I hope he pays it.

I bet he won’t.

CherryMaDeara · 12/08/2023 10:46

I doubt it too.

rookiemere · 12/08/2023 10:53

What are you going to do when he doesn't pay OP ?

Newestname002 · 12/08/2023 10:57

@Beetmuffin

Your DP created the problem by inviting his feckless, entitled brother - without checking with you first

Neither you nor your DP tells his brother that his brother (whose reputation as a sponger you already know) needs to pay for his own meal/drinks

The brother then, as could be predicted, then goes to town on the menu knowing, full well, he's eating on someone's dime yet again and disappears when the bill arrives

Well done for saying you'll send your Monzo account details but do you really think, based on past experience, you'll see a penny from him? Why should he, when everyone allows him to tread all over them?

Your DP should chase for your money back - but do you really think he will? Or that you'll see a penny of your money back?

Maybe learn from this:
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"
🌹

TempName247 · 12/08/2023 11:13

Oh no, now you are in the even more awkward situation of chasing him for the money, you should have just paid your share at the time

ZickZack · 12/08/2023 11:22

I would have stubbornly waited until he came back before paying. Then asked him there and then for his share.

You're unlikely to get the money now (but I hope you do)

DisforDarkChocolate · 12/08/2023 11:30

No one in the family is doing him any favours treating him like this, he needs to grow up and live within him means like everyone else.

DisforDarkChocolate · 12/08/2023 11:30

That wasn't a criticism of you @Beetmuffin.

Daleksatemyshed · 12/08/2023 11:35

Not the best outcome but a predictable one Op. If your DP is now out of work I'd take it as a chance to cut out your BIL's freebies, no more paying for his takeaways on The weekend.

Aprilx · 12/08/2023 11:36

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/08/2023 13:56

@CleptoCleoCookoo’s is the perfect approach, imo, @Beetmuffin.

Show quote history

It is very weird approach, why would anybody tell another adult that a restaurant accepts cash or card. Confused

Autumnsoon · 12/08/2023 11:55

So you just paid it like everyone else does .
great thread

rookiemere · 12/08/2023 11:57

Daleksatemyshed · 12/08/2023 11:35

Not the best outcome but a predictable one Op. If your DP is now out of work I'd take it as a chance to cut out your BIL's freebies, no more paying for his takeaways on The weekend.

Yes this is probably the only thing you can do.
CFs aren't going to stop being CFs.

Personally I would have sat out the toilet wait at the restaurant, maybe sent your DP in to check he was ok Grin. He sounds like a right piece of work. Thing is it seems ingrained that younger DB is the one who is treated and your DP pays - we have a similar thing in our family with SIL and co who are lovely but seem to think DH is an oligarch.

spicychickennoodle · 12/08/2023 11:58

I would have let him sit in the bathroom until staff had to come get him open the door at closing time.

CherryMaDeara · 12/08/2023 11:59

DP won't expect me to pay for BIL, he won't even have thought of it.

He did let you pay though. He should have asked his brother to pay there and then. I think your DP is a CF as well.

gamerchick · 12/08/2023 12:02

Your bloke caused this by inviting him along and then telling you to ask him for the money. Why didn't he get the fucker told?

Tell your husband that he is never to invite him along again or you won't be going. Why you thought things were going to be any different this time and let it play out is beyond me.

TolkiensFallow · 12/08/2023 12:06

Funny one.

I would always pay for a birthday meal including additional family attending but having read your update I can see BIL is right sponger so I understand this has started to grate…

rookiemere · 12/08/2023 12:11

Here's an idea which won't get you all your money back, but should recoup some of it. For this weekend's takeaway, go wild, order the crispy duck and lots of extras. When it comes to pay for it say to BIL "oh you owe me for the birthday dinner so if you pay for this, then we're quits." Watch him weasel his way out of that. Most likely scenario is your BF will end up paying, but may give him more understanding and impetus not to continue to support the status quo.

Dixiechickonhols · 12/08/2023 12:19

I don’t understand why you paid for him though? Just pay for you two and tell bil once he returned from loo that he just needed to pay for him.

Daleksatemyshed · 12/08/2023 12:30

Op, I hope you get your money back but I doubt it. If you chase him Bil will try to make it your fault, no one else asks for his share so you'll be mean old @Beetmuffin who showed him up. @rookiemere is right, he's a CF whose got too used to everyone else indulging him. Maybe he doesn't have many friends because they got fed up with him trying to sponge off them?

billy1966 · 12/08/2023 12:31

Yet your partner allowed you pay for his family's CF.

What a shower.

Not only is he a sponger, he has to be completely uncouth as to choose the most expensive items.

You did your best OP, but I would be having a hard think about this.

Based on his choosing the most expensive items, I would absolutely pursue him for the money.

There is no way I would accept being taken for such a mug by such a cheap CF.

mealtickety · 12/08/2023 12:36

Just seen the thread. How long have you been with this bloke? WHO invites someone else to their treat? More so, Who does that when he knows he is out of work so has no spare cash?

Sorry OP, your DP thinks you are stupid. He has shown you no respect at all. To think 'thankfully DP' blah blah is exactly why he i) invited his brother and ii) put you in this position of a debt collector. Even the way you phrased that sentence was misleading as if to say DP says pay and asked you to sent a payment request to DP for the brother's share. You have been had and it shows why!

mealtickety · 12/08/2023 12:37

send