Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for DPs brother's dinner

267 replies

Beetmuffin · 10/08/2023 13:10

It's DP's birthday tomorrow and we were going to have a casual meal out at a nice pub (my treat). DP has just invited his brother to join us. He's nice guy, 30, bit immature for his age, single, doesn't have many friends and doesn't have a lot of money. The family kind of takes pity on him for every little life difficulty he faces and spoil him a lot. Which is why DP has invited him.

I'm totally fine with the brother coming along. But this also means I'm going to have to pay for DP's brother's meal too (it will end up being £50/60+ per head with desserts and drinks). I can't exactly pay for DP's and ask brother to pay for himself can I?

OP posts:
OMG12 · 10/08/2023 19:40

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/08/2023 18:00

Why is he feckless?

The OP's digs about him being single, not having many friends and immature are obnoxious, mean-spirited and don't reflect well on her.

Clearly he is loved by his family, and they want to help him. His brother loves him and invited him to a birthday celebration. And OP wants to spoil it by being cheap and petty.

It's really zero of her business whether or not family members help him financially or in any other way.

Show quote history

The man - yes he is a man not a boy is nearly 30. He’s being carried by his family- there’s no incentive for him to grow up. Any man popping round to his brothers to get a free takeaway, expecting others to fund him is a cheecky fucker. No wonder he’s immature and has few friends.

Yes the family can do what they want but the OP doesn’t have to keep enabling cheeky fucker behaviour.

TallerThanAverage · 10/08/2023 19:51

honeylulu · 10/08/2023 19:34

You need to raise it with DP before you go. He's created the problem by inviting an extra person along that you were treating him to. I get that he won't have thought about the bill (my husband is similar) but all the more reason to raise it now. Say I'm paying for you and me as a birthday treat for you but you need to let your brother know he's paying for himself. Or if it works for you say tell you what why don't you go for this birthday meal with your brother and ill take you somewhere else the next night for your test, just us.

By all means do this but for the sake of the cost of one extra meal that you have said you can afford, your DPs birthday is not the night to make your principled stand. The fact that he has invited him shows what he means to him and as the saying goes blood is thicker than water. Wait for another time to raise this issue with the brother.

Genevieva · 10/08/2023 20:00

Pay for him and remind him that he owes you a highly desirable birthday present in exchange.

SquishyGloopyBum · 10/08/2023 20:05

Text him to suggest you should go halves with him as a birthday treat for your DH from you both!

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 10/08/2023 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/08/2023 21:29

OMG12 · 10/08/2023 19:40

The man - yes he is a man not a boy is nearly 30. He’s being carried by his family- there’s no incentive for him to grow up. Any man popping round to his brothers to get a free takeaway, expecting others to fund him is a cheecky fucker. No wonder he’s immature and has few friends.

Yes the family can do what they want but the OP doesn’t have to keep enabling cheeky fucker behaviour.

Show quote history

Might be interesting to see who the husband chooses if push comes to shove.

If my SO belittled my sister, expressed contempt for her lifestyle and begrudged her the occasional meal, or judged how my family treated my sister, I'd be binning him.

mast0650 · 10/08/2023 21:42

From what you say, the brother probably can't really afford a £50-60 meal and probably wouldn't have accepted if he knew he had to pay (and certainly not if paying for half the bill!). I know it is unusual for an adult to assume someone else is paying, but it sounds as if it is the norm in DPs family. Maybe other family members generally have more money.

It's DP who has messed up here and you need to talk to him. You need to either agree that between you, you will be happy to pay for his brother as part of the birthday. Or DP has to tell his brother than unfortunately there might have been a misunderstanding and you can't afford to pay for everyone, so he is very welcome to come but will have to pay for himself. Then maybe suggest that they go for few beers together another time instead!

I disagree with others who say that if you invite someone to come out for a meal then you pay. That's bonkers!! Nor would I expect other people to pay for the birthday boy's meal either (unless it is explicitly a birthday present). If it is my birthday or DH's birthday I might ask friends if they would like to come out for a meal with us, but everyone would certainly be paying for themselves! Within families there can be different norms though. Especially for younger and/or less well of members.

Maybe as a compromise DB could buy drinks??

OMG12 · 10/08/2023 21:51

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/08/2023 21:29

Might be interesting to see who the husband chooses if push comes to shove.

If my SO belittled my sister, expressed contempt for her lifestyle and begrudged her the occasional meal, or judged how my family treated my sister, I'd be binning him.

Show quote history

If my DH expected me to pay for his brother, enabled him to act like a child, endorsed a grown man acting immaturely I’d be seriously questioning his judgement

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/08/2023 21:56

I would discuss it with dp- say you can invite anyone you like this your bday. I feel a bit awkward about this though as I want to treat you but don't really have the budget to treat anyone else- do you think d bil is expecting us to get the meal or will he offer to pay?
If he says 'us' then you can discuss with him what us means and that you can't afford it and can he get his brothers portion (if you really can't - is just treat my partners poor brother if he wanted him there tbh but I'd be annoyed if he went wild with the ordering!)

goodbyestranger · 10/08/2023 22:09

Omg all the discussion. What a grim birthday this is turning out to be. Just pay fgs.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 10/08/2023 22:11

Personally I'd pay for everyone.

rookiemere · 10/08/2023 22:21

Just because everyone else treats BIL like he's a teen rather than a fully grown adult, doesn't mean you have to.
Why's your DP inviting him on a romantic birthday celebration anyway ?

I'd say to your DP that it's awkward that he has asked him and you don't plan to pay for his meal.

DelphiniumBlue · 10/08/2023 22:44

£50-£60 per head is a lot of money to find and for that reason It needs to be out in the open and discussed . If DP invited his brother and usually pays for him, and that is the normal dynamic, it's unfair to the brother and to you not to clarify who will be paying. It's too big a sum for assumptions to be made.

Blossomtoes · 10/08/2023 22:57

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 10/08/2023 18:02

Not everyone lives like this, though. In my family and friends circle, whoever does the inviting/organizing pays.

Not everyone is skint and some of us actually enjoy treating others to decent hospitality.

Show quote history

This. There were ten people at my birthday meal at the weekend. We paid obviously. My bloke would have been really offended if anyone had argued about the bill.

MiddleParking · 11/08/2023 07:10

DP won't expect me to pay for BIL, he won't even have thought of it.

Oh, is it his first time going to a restaurant? If so that does change my opinion a bit. Has his brother never been to one either?

Cosyblankets · 11/08/2023 08:31

Blossomtoes · 10/08/2023 22:57

This. There were ten people at my birthday meal at the weekend. We paid obviously. My bloke would have been really offended if anyone had argued about the bill.

Show quote history

But surely that was made clear in the invitation. We'd like to treat everyone to dinner... that kind of wording.
I've been in both situations. Majority of the time we all just pay our own way but now and then a special occasion if it's made clear that the host is paying i wouldn't query the bill as that would offend.
This bloke seems to assume that everyone pays for him all of the time

Blossomtoes · 11/08/2023 08:47

But surely that was made clear in the invitation. We'd like to treat everyone to dinner... that kind of wording.

It didn’t need to be. If we invite we pay.

Sistersflowers · 11/08/2023 08:57

I just paid for DH birthday meal, six of us and I made it clear it was my treat.

I would tell my partner he would be reimbursing me for his brother before we went out. I have been the one buying dinner for all relatives often but it’s occasionally and they are not piss takers like your BIL.

Cosyblankets · 11/08/2023 09:13

Blossomtoes · 11/08/2023 08:47

But surely that was made clear in the invitation. We'd like to treat everyone to dinner... that kind of wording.

It didn’t need to be. If we invite we pay.

That's fair enough if that's your set up.
His set up seems to be everyone pays for him

OMG12 · 11/08/2023 19:12

Blossomtoes · 10/08/2023 22:57

This. There were ten people at my birthday meal at the weekend. We paid obviously. My bloke would have been really offended if anyone had argued about the bill.

Show quote history

Well there is no obviously about this. I know of no one who would anticipate thats the set up! Everyone I know pays their own way unless it’s a situation where someone really well off issues the invite. Jace you got plenty of cash?

Blossomtoes · 11/08/2023 19:16

I know of no one who would anticipate thats the set up!

Whereas our family would never anticipate anything else. Do you really find it odd that different people live life differently to you?

goodbyestranger · 11/08/2023 19:37

Our family wouldn't anticipate anything else either - I'm with Blossomtoes.

TallerThanAverage · 11/08/2023 20:31

OMG12 · 11/08/2023 19:12

Well there is no obviously about this. I know of no one who would anticipate thats the set up! Everyone I know pays their own way unless it’s a situation where someone really well off issues the invite. Jace you got plenty of cash?

Show quote history

We’re not really well off but when we invited family and some of our son’s friends to dinner for his 18th we just paid the bill for everyone. There was about 15 of us. We didn’t tell them, so I think you’re right that they didn’t anticipate it. We just did it and asked the guests to pay the tip.

OMG12 · 11/08/2023 22:00

TallerThanAverage · 11/08/2023 20:31

We’re not really well off but when we invited family and some of our son’s friends to dinner for his 18th we just paid the bill for everyone. There was about 15 of us. We didn’t tell them, so I think you’re right that they didn’t anticipate it. We just did it and asked the guests to pay the tip.

Show quote history

I think this is a bit different as your child’s birthday

Original poster
Beetmuffin · 12/08/2023 10:18

Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this, it's all been helpful.

Here's what happened. I didn't bring it up with DP because it's his birthday and didn't want to seem to be unwelcoming. (For more background, he's just lost his job and needed a nice hassle free birthday).

BIL had the most expensive main (steak) most expensive dessert option (cheeseboard), and several beers. When the bill was asked for, he quickly disappeared off to the bathroom for around 15 minutes. So I pay. Thankfully, DP said I don't need to pay for BIL and said I should ask him for his share. BIL then returned to the table and feigned surprise that I'd paid for the bill and thanks me, saying that's very generous of me. I then say 'oh that's OK I'll send you a Monzo request later.' He makes it clear he's not impressed.

Anyway, I sent him the request but he hasn't paid yet.

OP posts: