Husband has been a heroin addict for a year - only found out now

[Pleasepleasehelpme123]

I wrote a massively long message explaining everything and it deleted and o actually just do not have it in me right now to write it out again.

does anyone have experience with heroin or been involved with someone who has?

I separated from my husband a year ago because he was useless, lazy and abusive. I left with the hope that it would give him the kick up his arse he needs to change. We have a 3 year old daughter. I caught him smoking heroin in a public loo. He was a heroin addict from the age of 16-18. We met when he was 22. He is now 32. In between that time he’s had issues with weed and alcohol.

I’ve told him I will give him the chance to get his family back of he gets clean. I’ve told him I will support him and get him through this but he has to never do it again. he is refusing to get the implant because he says he’s kicked the habit over ten years ago with the implant and he can do it again and he doesn’t want an operation for something to be put under his skin as a constant reminder of what he’s done. I think he’s bullshitting. He’s nearly over the worst of his physical withdrawals.

I have no experience with this but from what I’ve read online he will lie and say anything to get what’s he wants. I can see that it’s not even him I’m talking to, it’s like he’s been taken over by someone else. I terrified. I left him because he didn’t make family like nice, he made it hellish, but I can’t bear to lose him, I can’t bear for my chold’s father to be a junkie which is as good as dead or literally end up dead.

I’ve told him I’ll give him another chance to get his family back but I don’t think I even mean it. I’m just saying anything to get him clean.

plase if anyone has any actual experience with this stuff could they please message me. I need real advice. I have to say I tried for my child to spare them having a junky or dead father.

any tips any anything please I’ll be so grateful.

i don’t know if I can believe a word he says.

My mother was a an alcoholic my whole life and still is (I’m basically no contact with her because of this.) spent my whole childhood believing I could fix her - no surprise I got myself into this situation as an adult.

Awwww @Pleasepleasehelpme123 that is tough. But brava for recognising this pattern!

I've seen the effects & consequences of alcoholism/addiction in families last through several generations, even if the younger generations were never addicts themselves.

Al Anon (or the narcotics version) would really help you. It's nt about the addict - it's about those who have addicts in their lives. It'll help you set boundaries and detach gently from the addict.

Good luck

You need to walk away. He was abusive even without the heroin why oh why would you want an abusive, relapsed alcoholic drug addict in your home with your child?

Cut the tie, walk away.

Also him refusing the implant tells you what you need to know. He wants the option of getting high. Which means he's not 100% wanting to quit.

I’m so so sorry. I had to walk away from the love of my life because he became addicted to crack. I stayed for 3 years and It almost destroyed me and my children. Your kids won’t thank you for this they need to be away from him and you do too. It will get worse and you will feel like you are going crazy trying to watch him constantly. If he wants to get clean he will but only he can choose that. Please for your own sanity and safety do not let him back in. I feel so sad for you. I spoke to Frank and my local Drug Team for support and brutally honest advice as I kept giving him chance after chance. Big hugs xx

My daughters father struggled with heroin addiction. In the end it became an intolerable situation and I left him for the sake of my daughter, and my sanity, even though I loved him deeply. I tried and tried to help him and support him but looking back I can see that he lied constantly and gaslit me when I would accuse him of using. Sadly he died of an accidental overdose a few years after we left him. IME you cannot push someone to overcome an addiction, it has to be entirely driven by them. My daughter is now an adult and I still look back and know that I absolutely made the right choice to get out when we did.

Bin him. You will not win. Any addiction, drink, drugs, gambling will always come first. Please don’t waste your life on him. 🌺

Walk away and leave him to it.

Don’t have anything to do with him until you know he has been clean for at least a year. I’m in a 12 step fellowship and know many addicts. Until he wants to stop, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that anyone can do. You need to put you and your children first, and basically he needs to get clean before you have him back in your life. NAR anon uk is a fellowship for families of addicts. Might be worth contacting them for support for yourself. Good Luck!

Another person here who had an addict for a dad. Walk. Away. It will ruin your child’s life.

(ACOH) here, already posted but just to reiterate. I also left the love of my life because of addiction. It killed me and still does. I stuck it out for so long because of my upbringing I guess. Just not worth it but so painful. Big hug

I have worked in a professional capacity with drug users (including heroin addicts) for over 20 years and would echo the sentiments in a lot of these posts. Drug addicts are the most selfish and manipulative people you can meet. They will lie about anything to achieve their own goals (their next fix). Children of addicts are invariably scarred, and may also turn to drugs/alcohol when older if this becomes normalised for them. The fact he does not want the implant is a huge red flag for me - a lot of my clients would love to have it, but due to funding issues are not able to. Heroin is one of the most addictive substances out there (both in terms of physical and pscyhological addiction), and to get clean, and, more importantly, stay clean long term is almost impossible without a substitute prescription (methadone) or a 'blocker' (buprenorphine).

You need to walk away and not look back. If he gets clean in the future (and stays clean long-term) you could consider allowing your daughter to have a relationship with him, particularly when she is (much) older, but for now, no way.

Sorry to be blunt but, right now, this man loves nothing more than his drugs, not you, not your daughter, and the only one who can change it is him. There is nothing in your post to suggest that this is really what he wants, so he will continue to use until he hits rock bottom. Protect yourself and your daughter. Best of luck.

It’s sad to say but you have to grieve for him. He (the man who previously lived to love you and life) is deceased. His body still walks around but he has died since he started to pour his time/money/energy resources into scoring smack.

This harsh truth will help you to square with this harsh truth in the long run.

people suggesting that you go to Al Anon are very wise.

With most addicts there are co-dependent enmeshed loved ones around who in the bane of helping, get swept down into the underworld of darkness and Al Anon helps loved ones to disconnect and protect their energy- also to see the patterns and dances between addicts and their loved ones that lead to no where good.

The addiction will not be satisfied until it has claimed as many victims as possible.

DONT. LET. THIS. HAPPEN!

I will not mince words here.. You and your child deserve better than a worthless man who can never be trusted. You're young, kick him to the gutter where he's apparently chosen to be, and get on with it. Your daughter does NOT need to grow up thinking this is what love looks like, and its on you to stand up and say no. If you chose not to, you deserve every bit of misery that comes your way for the hellish future you're imposing on your daughter.

Run and never look back. In my early 20's I got into a serious relationship with a childhood fling. I was naive with no knowledge of hard drugs, but I always felt something was off. He said it was weed and being stoned. Long story short he was on heroin and I didn't find out for 3 years. He lied and gaslit me so much I didn't know what was real and what wasn't. Even when I heard the truth from his friend's mum he convinced me it wasn't true. He sold my things and bullied me for money every day, until the day I finally had enough and refused to hand over my bank card, then he physically attacked me. That was enough for me to walk away and I've never regretted it, only that I didn't do it sooner. He ended up homeless and having a brain haemorrhage. Your husband might get clean eventually but he will likely bring you and your child down first.

Im sadly related to a heroin addict and I will leave it there to avoid outing myself.
When her kids turned of age she got them hooked on it too and her dd overdosed while doing heroin with her a couple of years ago. Woke up to her dd lying dead next to her.
The sickest thing about addicts is they encourage those around them to join in. Got 3/5 of her kids hooked on the stuff and also her grandson.
Keep your dd away. You won’t be able to protect her forever.

(havent read other responses)-
i loved n lived through heroin addiction. 25+years. I knew "had previously been a thing".I had no idea what i was get into.i NEVER stopped loving him.
i believe he truley loved me-as best he could.
it ALWAYS stole the show....
i will answer anything you want.honestly.He-probably never did that,isnt an option now. it took him away-age 55.2021
I dont think i ever asked him to stop-(also im kid of alchoholic who never made it to 55)
Your man was useless and tho you lve him-the arse kick you hoped for....isnt how its went.
YES its an absolute horrific drug.no he isnt "clean" cos hes not had it for a day or two.no you CAN not ever really trust him.Im not saying he cant stop it-or wont.
your plea bargaining with a man that frankly isnt even at the table.
he wont take the implant??he kicked the habit??????
lies.
he was snidey smoking that crap-in a easily findable public loo- know why?
(this is harsh)
hes an addict
Heroins horrendous-am not sayong in medical\clinical situations its abhorrent.
in your home,with someone who(lies)takes it -is rotten. "dabble"turns my stomach. it=fully committed.he KNOWS full well any type of use= right back to start.yup-for a short while its hideable,not quite a screaming dependency....doesnt take long tho(3 days in row-on the foil=Habit.
Doll- even off it-(?)he was make your lives shit.love him
love your kid and yourself more.
YOU are not and never can be accountable for the actions of anyone else.
I absolutely DO NOT regret a single second of"living"through it. thats easy to say now its stopped.far as he told me-he was only on foil-every friday(lies was obvious)overdose/co street valium n od/jaggin.let him go.for your sanity\health\any sorta future.Is sad. i know.
herebout as real as gets LADY HEROINSo now, little man, you’ve grown tired of grass, amphetamines, downers, acid and hash. And someone – pretending to be a friend introduces you to – Lady Heroin….Well honey, before you start fooling with me, just let me inform you of how it will be. For I will seduce you and make you my slave, believe me, I’ve sent bigger men to the grave.You think you could never become a disgrace and end up addicted to poppyseed waste. You’ll need lots of money, just like you’ve been told cos darling I’m more expensive than gold.So you’ll start to inhale me one afternoon, take me in your arms – the beginning of doom. and once I have entered deep down your vein your old life will never be the same.I’m expensive and dang’rous, and love to live fast but the feeling I give you will never last. You’ll swindle your mother, just for a buck You’ll turn into something vile and corrupt.You’ll rob and you’ll steal for my narcotic charms and only find peace when I’m in your arms. and when it dawns, the monster you’ve grown, you’ll solemnly pledge to leave me alone.You may think that you’ve got that mystical knack, well honey, just try getting me off your back. The vomits, the cramps, the guts tied in knots, your trembling nerves screaming for those needed shots. The hot sweats, the cold chills, the withdrawal pains, can only be cured by my little brown grains.There’s no turning back, there’s no need to look, for deep down inside you know you’re still hooked. You’ve given your conscience, your morals, your heart, you’re mine forever – till death do us part.

I’ve had experience with heroin addicts. They will do and say anything to get their drugs. They will lie, cheat, and steal.

It sounds like your ex is deep in his addiction. This is not good for you, and especially not for your child. Heroin is one of the worst drugs to kick.

I knew a heroin addict many years ago that had so destroyed his veins that the only place he had left to shoot up was in his neck. He had a friend that was in a similar situation. They would shoot each other up. The guy I knew was found dead in the streets in San Francisco. He got some bad heroin.

Your child does not need to deal with his insanity. It will only damage her psychologically. Please, ignore his lies and get yourself and your child far away from him. Yes, I know addicts that have got clean and stayed that way. They are few and far between.

Could you tell us a little more about this ?

OP check the forum friends and family of substance abuser on the sober recovery website.
That forum will show the reality from those who have lived with, left and are leaving and though who won't leave their partners with drug addiction.

Don't give him any chances and don't get back with him implant or not take ur daughter and start over again and forget about him don't waste another minute thinking about it , am talking from experience it will never change even if he becomes clean and stays clean for 20 years there will always be a chance of him getting back on it , then u will feel u've invested your whole life in a relationship that is doomed your daughter is young enough to not get effected keep away plz listen to me , good luck think only of you and your daughter be selfish you have to be when talking about addicts they ruin lives .

It’s the worst feeling in the world when you find out your loved one is a heroin addict. In my case he hid it so well, my security camera flashed up
on my phone whilst I was at work. There he was on the sofa with the foil and a fucking plastic biro tube smoking it. My world stopped in 2 minutes of seeing it all played out on a phone screen.
Everything came crashing down, the denial, the broken promises, lie after lie, manipulation, blame, missing on a Friday till Sunday.
Not forgetting the anger, the violence, till it drove me to the verge of a mental breakdown.
He’s gone now, with someone else, and that was his pattern, I was just one in a line of other woman he had put through hell. He destroyed me, he destroyed his family, because heroin is the only relationship that he cares about.
OP you can ask me anything, about living and loving a heroin addict, but it’s ugly and painful reading.
There’s no happy ending, no matter how hard you try to help them.

I left my ex husband when my ds was 3 years old. We were living overseas & we moved back to the UK & my ds is 12 now. Our life was chaotic when we were together (he had no job/income, narcissistic, ex addict)
our life has been peaceful ever since. My son is peaceful as I am peaceful. He is also very confident m..having no Dad around is his normal so he is happy!
Other people can be quite judgmental about situations so be careful which friends you share things with!
It will be harder for you to detach yourself from him emotionally if you still have to see him when he sees your daughter. If you are supervising visits then you are already doing the job of lone parent 100% which added to your exes addiction is a stressful situation for you & daughter!
I had no contact with my ex for 7 years on advice of my lawyer which tbh is the time it took to fully recover myself! We are now in email contact & he sent an email saying he understands why I did what I did. Which was technically kidnapping my own son but I had to prioritise myself & my son.
It is not your job to save anyone! Save yourself & your daughter & others will follow your lead & save themselves!
Good luck you are stronger than you know xx

Pleasepleasehelpme123 I think you came here to be told what you already knew, but I'm so glad to hear you're seeing it for what it is.

You asked for tips. The best ones may be remembering your own words.

I can see that it’s not even him I’m talking to, it’s like he’s been taken over by someone else.
He has and the damage is done. Even if he did manage to get clean, that 'someone else' is still inside and still wanting that feeling, that specific high.

Nothing compares to it. My friend who did get clean, privately said the world was very flat and hollow in his life afterwards no matter how much work he put into caring about his wife and Dc's, or the adrenaline sports he took up. He accepted what he'd done to himself and far from wanting no reminder, his only tattoo was something personal to him to remind himself how low he'd previously sunk to remind himself to stay away from all that caused it.

i don’t know if I can believe a word he says. You cant. Even if he's telling the truth about something, you'll never be able to be sure. What kind of relationship is one built on performant mistrust?

My mother was a an alcoholic my whole life and still is (I’m basically no contact with her because of this.) spent my whole childhood believing I could fix her Yep, you're somewhat pre programmed as an enabler. Not your fault. Don't spend your adulthood trying to fix him, especially as you'll end up 'basically no contact' here too in the end. Take what you were born into and use it as a positive. You have the knowledge to protect your daughter from the same fate.

It is very hard and painful to let go of someone you love, but the pain and heartache of knowing the damage you've put your much loved daughter through if you don't, will be far worse and will last for the rest of both lives.

I wish you deep strength. Anytime your resolve wavers, resurrect this post. As you can see there are many here with direct experience of both addiction and the particular awfulness of heroin and it's end results.

what you said makes a lot of sense. Thank you

I have no experience with this but from what I’ve read online he will lie and say anything to get what’s he wants. I can see that it’s not even him I’m talking to, it’s like he’s been taken over by someone else.
Sorry OP, haven't had time to RTFT, but this is pretty much spot on. The intensely addictive nature of the drug turns people into parasites. I always used to think the vampire/zombie movie The Lost Boys was a kind of allegory for this.

The trouble is that it's not just a drug, it's a whole secret network of suppliers and collaborators that functions as an enitrely separate world. Hours of loitering around waiting for people, endless expensive of time and money and effort.

The drug itself encourages a delusional approach to life. Users, sadly, have often developed the habit as their way of dealing with pain/damage, but it's a bullshit way of dealing with it - just floating away and pretending everything's fluffy, the coward's way out.

Basically do not touch with a bargepole. In any case you describe him as lazy and abusive! That should be enough to make you run for the hills!