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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband has been a heroin addict for a year - only found out now

187 replies

Pleasepleasehelpme123 · 09/08/2023 20:44

I wrote a massively long message explaining everything and it deleted and o actually just do not have it in me right now to write it out again.

does anyone have experience with heroin or been involved with someone who has?

I separated from my husband a year ago because he was useless, lazy and abusive. I left with the hope that it would give him the kick up his arse he needs to change. We have a 3 year old daughter. I caught him smoking heroin in a public loo. He was a heroin addict from the age of 16-18. We met when he was 22. He is now 32. In between that time he’s had issues with weed and alcohol.

I’ve told him I will give him the chance to get his family back of he gets clean. I’ve told him I will support him and get him through this but he has to never do it again. he is refusing to get the implant because he says he’s kicked the habit over ten years ago with the implant and he can do it again and he doesn’t want an operation for something to be put under his skin as a constant reminder of what he’s done. I think he’s bullshitting. He’s nearly over the worst of his physical withdrawals.

I have no experience with this but from what I’ve read online he will lie and say anything to get what’s he wants. I can see that it’s not even him I’m talking to, it’s like he’s been taken over by someone else. I terrified. I left him because he didn’t make family like nice, he made it hellish, but I can’t bear to lose him, I can’t bear for my chold’s father to be a junkie which is as good as dead or literally end up dead.

I’ve told him I’ll give him another chance to get his family back but I don’t think I even mean it. I’m just saying anything to get him clean.

plase if anyone has any actual experience with this stuff could they please message me. I need real advice. I have to say I tried for my child to spare them having a junky or dead father.

any tips any anything please I’ll be so grateful.

i don’t know if I can believe a word he says.

OP posts:
languidscroller · 10/08/2023 00:04

Hi, I was married to a heroin addict. We had a young child by the time I managed to get rid of him. He used for years. He still uses now. I think he's been on and off it, but I don't really know. I do know he is in a bad way after around 30 years at it. He had everything in life going for him and he threw it all away. The heroin takes over. It comes before everything.

Honestly, the problems with alcohol, weed and heroin make any relationship with your child's father seem utterly hopeless. He will be making excuses about the implant.

Addicts will say literally anything to get what they need. They lie and steal from friends, from family, shoplift, sell drugs, anything... They can hold down a job at first but the whole rigmarole of getting money/getting the heroin/taking the heroin takes up all their time. There is no time or consideration for anything or anyone in their lives apart from heroin. It consumes them.

He might concede that he needs to go on a methadone plan. He will be prescribed it with supervision at first - at the pharmacy- then he may be 'trusted' to take it himself. It'll be long-term for years. Trouble is, he'll probably end up selling it or just using on top.

You need to get him out of your life.

A PP mentioned Teen Challenge. I know people that got off heroin with their help but they have to REALLY want it - move away, start a new life away from all their druggie friends.

I know it is so hard for you. I know you want to help him but you simply can't. The best thing you can do is walk away. The trust in your relationship is gone and I don't think it comes back.

Imagine yourself when you're 60 years old. Ask yourself, "Do I want my life to be like this?" Ask yourself, "Do I want my child's life to be like this?" That's what I did. I threw him out, picked myself up, worked really hard and looked after my daughter. It's so difficult, I know, but the alternative is you and your child being second best and always having that nagging feeling. It's no way to live. It took me being dragged into debt, bailiffs and police at the door...years and years... Don't waste your life. Don't believe his lies. Don't put your child through it.

Seddon · 10/08/2023 00:11

I hope you've been tested for the usual junkie diseases OP?

The last I heard from my supposedly reformed heroin user ex, who I dumped when I found a syringe hidden in the kitchen, was when he called me months after we broke up to tell me he had Hepatitis C. That was a fun few days.

MinnieTruck · 10/08/2023 00:35

Heroin? Just forget it

Mamanyt · 10/08/2023 00:35

I am so, so sorry. Here's the thing. You are no Ionger taIking to him, you are taIking to his addiction, and that addiction wiII say anything, do anything, to serve itseIf. It wiII sacrifice him, you, AND your chiId to serve itseIf.

I know you say you can't bear to Iose him, but...can you bear for his addiction to ruin your chiId's Iife? In another 2-3 years, she wiII be the chiId that no one can pIay with, because of her father, if he is stiII in her Iife and activeIy addicted. And money that shouId go to your famiIy wiII be spent on the aII-important addiction.

As far as that goes, you've aIready Iost him. It's easier to Iose someone when they aren't in front of you every day, trust me on this. I'm speaking from experience.

WhereshallIwander · 10/08/2023 00:40

CheesusWept · 09/08/2023 23:24

My brother died 8 weeks ago from a drug overdose.
I have no real advice, only sympathy. It is so, so hard to love an addict.
But you need to distance yourself, for your sake and your children’s sake. An addict doesn’t love anyone as much as they love the drugs.

I wish my brother could see the damage his death has caused his family. I miss him so much, but watching him slowly killing himself was torture.

That's so sad and so many a similar story on this thread.
I'm sorry. 💐

Alstoybarn · 10/08/2023 00:43

CheesusWept · 09/08/2023 23:24

My brother died 8 weeks ago from a drug overdose.
I have no real advice, only sympathy. It is so, so hard to love an addict.
But you need to distance yourself, for your sake and your children’s sake. An addict doesn’t love anyone as much as they love the drugs.

I wish my brother could see the damage his death has caused his family. I miss him so much, but watching him slowly killing himself was torture.

This is absolutely heartbreaking to read 💔and so close to home. I honestly wish you all the strength to get through this and all the middle of feelings you will be going through. Sincerely ❤️

WhereshallIwander · 10/08/2023 00:44

languidscroller · 10/08/2023 00:04

Hi, I was married to a heroin addict. We had a young child by the time I managed to get rid of him. He used for years. He still uses now. I think he's been on and off it, but I don't really know. I do know he is in a bad way after around 30 years at it. He had everything in life going for him and he threw it all away. The heroin takes over. It comes before everything.

Honestly, the problems with alcohol, weed and heroin make any relationship with your child's father seem utterly hopeless. He will be making excuses about the implant.

Addicts will say literally anything to get what they need. They lie and steal from friends, from family, shoplift, sell drugs, anything... They can hold down a job at first but the whole rigmarole of getting money/getting the heroin/taking the heroin takes up all their time. There is no time or consideration for anything or anyone in their lives apart from heroin. It consumes them.

He might concede that he needs to go on a methadone plan. He will be prescribed it with supervision at first - at the pharmacy- then he may be 'trusted' to take it himself. It'll be long-term for years. Trouble is, he'll probably end up selling it or just using on top.

You need to get him out of your life.

A PP mentioned Teen Challenge. I know people that got off heroin with their help but they have to REALLY want it - move away, start a new life away from all their druggie friends.

I know it is so hard for you. I know you want to help him but you simply can't. The best thing you can do is walk away. The trust in your relationship is gone and I don't think it comes back.

Imagine yourself when you're 60 years old. Ask yourself, "Do I want my life to be like this?" Ask yourself, "Do I want my child's life to be like this?" That's what I did. I threw him out, picked myself up, worked really hard and looked after my daughter. It's so difficult, I know, but the alternative is you and your child being second best and always having that nagging feeling. It's no way to live. It took me being dragged into debt, bailiffs and police at the door...years and years... Don't waste your life. Don't believe his lies. Don't put your child through it.

Agree, it was my brother who did it.

He was moved up North away from anyone he knew. Don't think he was even allowed his phone. They are very strict and it is a Christian organisation but he did very well there. He hasn't relapsed since and this is about 8 years ago.

Alstoybarn · 10/08/2023 00:45

Wow this whole thread has me in tears. I have no advice because Im seeking it myself but I hope each and every one of you the best 💔life cab be horrendously hard at times. X

Hivaluegirl · 10/08/2023 02:34

I don't trust drug users at all. I had a cocaine user ex who stole everything from me and his kid. They don't care you're nothing to them.
Unless someone is clean for 10plus years I don't wanna know them.
Op don't trust him please

Hivaluegirl · 10/08/2023 02:36

And remember you're NOT HIS MUM you are your child's mum.
He is a grown man that made his choices nobody held a Gun to his head and said take heroin

yogasaurus · 10/08/2023 03:13

Run, get tested, and never look back.

velvetandsatin · 10/08/2023 03:50

The reality is, even those who believe they are ready to quit once and for all do often relapse at some point. You have to be utterly determined, seek good support, put the work in on yourself, and have a dose of luck or grace on your side too I expect to get and stay clean longterm. I know many who have. But he is no way near ready to even pretend to want to be doing any of that.

BritInAus · 10/08/2023 06:48

I haven't read the full thread but wanted to extend my sympathies to you and to say this kindly: stop trying. His problem is not yours to solve. You've already done the hardest bit - separating and quite rightly safeguarding your young child. What he does now is on him. Honestly, you're out of the relationship (physically at least) and it sounds like you need to work on moving on. Healing. Enjoying the freedom that leaving a relationship with an addict offers. Having a peaceful, safe, happy, consistent home for your young child.

I left my addict (alcohol) when DD was 4. Hardest, but best thing I ever did. Less than a year later my ex was dead. It sounds awful typing it like this, but it many ways it is easier now. Yes, my DD lost a parent very young - but I'd rather that than years of lies, abuse, torment, broken promises and all the other sh*t that comes along with an addict spiraling from one crisis to another and refusing to engage with any help.

I know there's a feeling that 'children need two parents' or 'children need two dads' and that often guilt trips the safe parent into thinking the unsafe parent still has 'rights' to see the child, that the child would be better off without them. Sometimes that isn't true.

Kids need love, stability and a safe environment. If he couldn't offer that, you did 100% the right thing by separating. A year on, he isn't clean. If he's had addiction issues for 14+ years, realistically, he may well never be clean. Don't waste your one short and precious life hanging on, hoping he gets clean. We all wish for a miracle but sadly it doesn't always happen. Enjoy life on the other side and feel free to PM for a chat. Different substance but I get it. Take care. xx

LovelyAutumndays · 10/08/2023 06:49

As a daughter of two heroin addicts (one managed to kick the addiction) I would keep your distance.
Please don't put your child through it. There will be a lot of disappointment ahead for your daughter - addicts lie, make promises, tell you what you want to hear all the time. There is always a reason and excuse.

Addictforanex · 10/08/2023 08:41

So many people have poured their heart and soul out on this thread and it is heartbreaking. Hope the OP has read the messages.

WhereshallIwander · 10/08/2023 09:09

I am amazed and sad at the same time for all those children on here who somehow made it through childhood with parents who were addicted.
The neglect, the fear, the rejection and responsibility, abuse...

You must have been so strong to get through this and be here today to warn others. That must take some resilience.

Elleherd · 10/08/2023 09:13

I'm so sorry, your child's father IS a junkie and you cant stop him dying or not.
Only he can influence it at all, and even then there's no guarantees.

I have only known one person who truly overcame smack. He was notably self aware and did everything, and I mean everything, in his power to get clean, stay clean and continue clean. He would be the first to say he'd been a junkie so knew he had control issues and knew his limits.
Sadly what he had previously done to his body left him dead before his DC's 18th anyway, but he did turn his life around before parenthood.

I had no choice not to be totally surrounded by smack for the first two and a half decades of my life. I've even breastfed an addicted baby as the only protective thing I could do for it, only to see the mother re addict it so she could have half it's methadone script too. It is the most pernicious of all the possible addictions.

The only good that came from the damage done to my younger self is I saw clearly how heroin destroyed everyone and everything, and decided to never take it no matter how much I wanted to escape what was happening.

It takes perfectly good and decent people and transforms them into liars and thieves and people who will endanger their own and others in every and any possible way, to get that fix. Boundaries melt away under it and the phrase 'they'd sell their own grandmother' becomes true.
It takes more average people and takes them to the same place faster, and it takes inherently bad people and swiftly helps give reasons to embrace evil.

Please stop dangling his child (via 'family') as something you can give him if he convinces you he's choosing her over heroin. Ultimately she's a saleable asset.

The people addicted to it who still have some un eroded morality left, always believe they'll be able to control dangerous situations they place their children in. They can't.
Heroin addicts with children often find themselves sought out and befriended by pedophiles. It's a hidden part of both worlds we don't like to acknowledge.
People think that pictures and films of abused children are taken by pedophiles. They often aren't and this isn't new. Desperate junkies will do anything.

Even those addicts who think they'd never go there, find their tune changes when faced with people who have the power to both jail them and end their pain or provide the means to.
Some parents end up abusing their own children to control and sanitize the process as supposed responsibility. The child finds itself complicit and trapped.

I am not saying that every heroin addicted parent does this, but generally it's because they've not been placed in situations where it's offered as simultaneous carrot and stick to get out of an immediate situation.

Their is just no part of a junkies world that is a good or safe place for children.

He doesn't want the implant because it doesn't only stop the high from smack. From the addicts POV: It sometimes has unpleasant side effects, and trying to avoiding unpleasant repercussions is part of an underlying junkies way of life.
From their POV: it endangers them by encouraging them to take larger doses to try to override it, which often leads to overdose, so they're smart to say no.

It stops most highs, and he still wants to be able to use something to get high. That's junkie wisdom and survival at play. He wants to survive, but he wants his options open.

IamnotSethRogan · 10/08/2023 09:20

I'm sorry this sounds awful but it sounds like you're putting your want to be with him over what is ultimately best for your daughter. She has a father who can't be alone with her and who you don't trust. Also it sounds very unstable as you seem to be trapped in a cycle of offering him one more chance. The best thing for your daughter would be for you to untangle yourself from this man and offer your child a stable life, away from him.

You're putting your life and your daughters on hold in the hope (that in all likelihood won't be fufilled) that he'll sort himself out. It doesnt even sound like he was any good when not on heroin so I don't know what you're holding put for.

Mix56 · 10/08/2023 09:22

He'll never get clean with you hovering around & softening the blows.
Cut the rope. He needs to face the reality, he is the only one who can save himself.
He will destroy you & your child does not need to be around an addict

Pleasepleasehelpme123 · 10/08/2023 11:00

Just wanted to quickly say thank you so much and lots of this has conformed my suspicions and has really kept me strong. I have read every single one of these messages. My mother was a an alcoholic my whole life and still is (I’m basically no contact with her because of this.) spent my whole childhood believing I could fix her - no surprise I got myself into this situation as an adult. thank you and Hank you again. Any other tips or advice most welcome. Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 10/08/2023 11:09

It's really common for the children of addicts to end up with addicts themselves as adults.

Try to focus on what an incredible opportunity this is to break that cycle for your daughter, rather than passing it on to her.

You sound lovely and very kind. You must focus all of that kindness on your daughter by giving her the gift of a life free from an addict parent (who also has a history of abusing you) rather than giving kindness to your ex.

You owe him nothing and owe her everything, remember that and focus on building a stable environment for her free from the chaos and heartbreak of addiction and abuse. You've got this Flowers

newnamethanks · 10/08/2023 11:17

Stay away OP, he will say anything to get what he wants, it's part of addiction, learning to lie and manipulate everyone around you. Some people do recover from addiction but never at the behest of someone else. He will ruin your life and wear you out. You can't fix him. We treat addiction poorly in this country but he isn't motivated to access the services we do provide. Addicts have unaddressed emotional disturbance that can't be resolved by threats or love. Move on, forget him.

8990m · 10/08/2023 11:34

@Pleasepleasehelpme123 you got this, don’t ever look back to him! ❤️

BritInAus · 10/08/2023 12:15

@Pleasepleasehelpme123 you can do
this. You've already taken the biggest step, to separate. Have you been to any support groups or anything to help you? There's lots of help out there for families. I called in to a few online sessions of families of addicts (during covid) and found it helpful. Some of the 'needing to forgive your addict' wasn't so helpful, but also i helped me feel stronger that I didn't want or need to forgive. I just needed firm boundaries.

keep talking to us.

Firsttimecaller · 10/08/2023 12:41

Pleasepleasehelpme123 · 10/08/2023 11:00

Just wanted to quickly say thank you so much and lots of this has conformed my suspicions and has really kept me strong. I have read every single one of these messages. My mother was a an alcoholic my whole life and still is (I’m basically no contact with her because of this.) spent my whole childhood believing I could fix her - no surprise I got myself into this situation as an adult. thank you and Hank you again. Any other tips or advice most welcome. Thank you ❤️

Bravo! Stay strong! ❤️