Husband has been a heroin addict for a year - only found out now

[Pleasepleasehelpme123]

I wrote a massively long message explaining everything and it deleted and o actually just do not have it in me right now to write it out again.

does anyone have experience with heroin or been involved with someone who has?

I separated from my husband a year ago because he was useless, lazy and abusive. I left with the hope that it would give him the kick up his arse he needs to change. We have a 3 year old daughter. I caught him smoking heroin in a public loo. He was a heroin addict from the age of 16-18. We met when he was 22. He is now 32. In between that time he’s had issues with weed and alcohol.

I’ve told him I will give him the chance to get his family back of he gets clean. I’ve told him I will support him and get him through this but he has to never do it again. he is refusing to get the implant because he says he’s kicked the habit over ten years ago with the implant and he can do it again and he doesn’t want an operation for something to be put under his skin as a constant reminder of what he’s done. I think he’s bullshitting. He’s nearly over the worst of his physical withdrawals.

I have no experience with this but from what I’ve read online he will lie and say anything to get what’s he wants. I can see that it’s not even him I’m talking to, it’s like he’s been taken over by someone else. I terrified. I left him because he didn’t make family like nice, he made it hellish, but I can’t bear to lose him, I can’t bear for my chold’s father to be a junkie which is as good as dead or literally end up dead.

I’ve told him I’ll give him another chance to get his family back but I don’t think I even mean it. I’m just saying anything to get him clean.

plase if anyone has any actual experience with this stuff could they please message me. I need real advice. I have to say I tried for my child to spare them having a junky or dead father.

any tips any anything please I’ll be so grateful.

i don’t know if I can believe a word he says.

I can share my situation with you, as the daughter of an addict.

My father, chose the pub over me, He wouldnt turn up to collect me. I would spend hours waiting on the stairs, every time I would see a bus, or a car, I would be so excited, Dads coming! I would pick up my bag, and I was so excited. except it was never him. Then my step dad would try to take me to my dads, he was either sleeping, or at the pub. The times I did see him, I was given a drink and a packet of crisps and he would drink, and drink, and drink, until sometimes he would go home without me. It became such a regularity that my mums home number was kept behind the bar.
Time with him was never quality time.
He gave up drinking, and he begged my mother to let him stay with us, until he could save a house deposit, he really wanted to turn his life around. Not to be with us, but for him.
He moved in, and it became apparent that he was still drinking. He would scream at me, pissed off his face. I started to have nightmares.
He was no longer allowed contact with me, such was the distress he caused me.

fast forward to being an adult. I created a relationship with him.

That man has never done a single thing for me, however, he has dragged me into many situations caused by his selfishness. He has let my children down.
He was years and years sober.
He had Heroin addicts in my house, He started taking Heroin himself. He didnt give a fuck what he was exposing me and my children to.
When he couldnt borrow money from me, his friends started turning up at my door.
He started to have falls and blacking out episodes. On one occassion, he needed me to go to his flat following one of his blackouts- Please know, I had no idea he was using. This man hated Heroin addicts with a passion. There were dirty syringes amongst the rest of the shit just discarded on the floor.

I wouldnt reccommend staying close to him, I wouldnt reccommend him having access to your child. I would actually say, keep away from us, until you can prove that you are clean, and continue to be so, you have no place in our daughters life. I would also be wary of how destructive addicts can be, even when not in active addiction, they can be selfish, selfish people.

One of the hardest things that I still find to accept is that he knew his friends were thieving to fund their addictions, and he was sending them to my home. He didnt care, not really, because he was getting some of his drugs from fucking over his daughter and grand daughter.

You can't make him get clean he has to want to get clean for himself. And I k ow it's sad and no one would want a heroin user for their kids dad, but your DDs dad is a heroin user that is a fact, not wanting it doesn't change it.

He'll tell you anything and he'll still use.

My brother is/was a heroin addict. I'm not sure as we are completely no contact. He stole from DM, he harassed his friends, he harassed me. My DH had to call the police. He had pretended to go to NA, he had been on methadone but ultimately he didn't want to stop ever when substantial help was put his way (in patient rehab, in patient mental health support, drug treatment programmes, family support, you name it). My DM ended up sleeping with her hand bag in a locked bedroom. She had to cancel her cards and carry the old cards around so he wouldn't realise she'd cottoned on. He did PayPal fraud in her name. This was his own mother so don't delude yourself your ex won't do anything against you or your daughter. I won't say more about what he did to me as it's too upsetting.

I also had an aunt by marriage who became a heroin addict, I don't remember the full details as I was young and they lived in a different bit of the country. My uncle ended up getting full custody of their three children, one of whom wasn't biologically his. long story short, she took her own life, her kids were completely screwed up (one was murdered) it's all a very sorry tale.

Put yourself at the centre of your story and get some support and therapy for you. And when the time is right, get some support for your daughter. Neither of you are responsible for your ex partner's behaviour, his addiction or if he ends up in a bad place or dead. Keep going to therapy until you reach this place of belief, belief in yourself and self love. When you are there... you will be able to support your daughter to reach the same beliefs.

Hi OP. My brother was a heroin addict for a number of years.
He lie a lot and ask me for money.
He got into a lot of trouble and was in and out of prison. He burgled my nan and stole off the family.
It really was horrible for us. I'd pass him on the street sometimes but he'd try and hide.

He did go through rehab a few times and relapsed. I know he was on methodone as we'd bump into each other on the chemist sometimes.

The only thing that worked was Teen Challenge. He went there and has been clean since. They are very strict though and I don't think they're even allowed to smoke.

He's got a decent job now and is married. I haven't seen any signs of him being on it since then (and I was usually the first person he'd come to for money).

I think getting clean is possible but extremely challenging and I think the majority of addicts can't do it long term but some do so don't lose hope.

You need to protect yourself now as well. He will only be an be to change himself with the help of experienced support.

Feel free to message me if you want derails of Teen Challenge.

I will give my advice as a child to someone who had a heroin and crack cocaine addiction.

it killed him at 52. he was on and off it probably longer than I’ve lived and I’m 28 now was 25 when he died. He didn’t care about his 3/4 children. He didn’t care about nothing but that. He committed crimes to get his fixes.

I went to work one day, on a renal dialysis ward. Was looking for a patient. Came across my dads file. He’d had 3 arrests and almost died and had to be put on dialysis for a while. He then tried to walk out the hospital without saying goodbye I walked him to a bus stop and that was the last time I seen him alive before seeing him on a slab at the mortuary and then in a coffin at a funeral home.

he abused my mum which again your husband abuses you. He stole from my mum. He blames my mum for all his wrongdoings when it was him. He was violent.. he used to Baracade himself into w bedroom in a 2 bed flat and take a hit
while me and my sister were down a hallway. He used to lock is in at the ages of 5 and 7 and go for hours trying To score I could imagine. I’d often be sent home in a taxi for being sick.

Im not saying all drug takers to that extent will not be able to stay clean but my dad tried to leave my city to do this and he still ended up dead. I’d not want your child or you to live a long life of pain like I could have if I didn’t detach way before now.

he then went on to make me his next of kin so I had to arrange his funeral. I did it and I did him proud but he certainly didn’t deserve it.

you have a choice to make and I’d choose your child’s life and happiness over an addict any day. That is one of the toughest drugs to stay off as all my dads “friends” too are on and off it. One even left his wake to go get it.

i feel so sorry for you Op and your child!

My younger brother was found dead in a shop door way after taking that crap he never showed any signs of being a junkie had a happy life at home

Just be aware that if your child is living with a Heroin addict, this is a safeguarding concern.

My brother was a heroin addict and died from an overdose. Protect your daughter at all times, and don't trust him with anything. Always remember that to an addict, the drug always comes first. I'm sorry you're going through this.

As a recovering addict myself (not heroin, but alcohol and other class a’s) it’s tough for me to say but you need to separate yourself entirely from him for the sake of your daughter until he has proven that he is clean and has stayed that way for a while. Addiction is awful and affects everyone it touches whether they are the addict themselves or people close to them. You’re great in wanting to help him, but the reality is, no one can help him but him.

Yes I have experience of this. My bf of three years when I was young was a heroin addict. I tried everything. Nothing worked. He’s dead. If we’d had a kid I would have kept the child a million miles from, knowing he would have sold his granny to get a fix. Addicts can sometimes turn their lives around but it’s not a great proportion who do from what I’ve seen, unfortunately.

The only reliable relationship an addict can have is with their drug or alcohol.

Walk away. Your child deserves more even if you don’t think you do.

You can’t get him through it. He’s an addict. He will always be an addict. Addicts lie, you can’t trust him. Protect your daughter, walk away and go no contact. If you don’t you will be giving your daughter a terrible life. Don’t give him any more chances. If I knew you in real life I’d be calling social services. You’re putting your child at risk by having anything to do with him.

My brother was an addict and sadly it took his life. My family tried everything and it took its toll heavily on all of us in the end. One thing I will say is please don’t stay with him for ‘your child’s sake’. If you’re doing this for your child then leave him. Give him something to fight for. We realised when it was too late that addicts had to want to change and that’s something my brother never wanted to do sadly

That's so sad, did you have no idea? X

@Pleasepleasehelpme123 i also married an ex heroin addict, never in a million years did I think he would relapse but he did after children.
we’ve been divorced 10 years plus now. Happy to chat

Heroin addicts are the most expert liars. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he hadn’t been an addict the entire time you’ve been with him and now you just know about it because his mental decline has caused him to get worse at covering his tracks (literally).

If you don’t cut him out entirely, your life and your child’s life is about to become cloaked in the darkest chapter imaginable.

Heroin addiction is an incredibly dark path that is a one way ticket to becoming the walking dead. Then the dead. And that includes everyone around the addict.

I have experience OP. My child’s dad was an addict. I believe the addiction in the first place is in part a response to deep unhappiness. After he got clean from heroin he substituted with alcohol, he still needed to get away from his pain. In the end he drank himself to death. I stopped contact and it was so sad that my child never got to have a relationship with their father, but they have turned out fine. Addiction ruins lives. Don’t let it ruin your daughter’s.

My brother died 8 weeks ago from a drug overdose.
I have no real advice, only sympathy. It is so, so hard to love an addict.
But you need to distance yourself, for your sake and your children’s sake. An addict doesn’t love anyone as much as they love the drugs.

I wish my brother could see the damage his death has caused his family. I miss him so much, but watching him slowly killing himself was torture.

I'm confused too. Do you mean that when you got with him at 22, he told you about the issues he'd had with heroin at 16-18? Or that the first thing you knew about his addiction was when you caught him using in his 30s?

I do not think you will ever be able to fully trust him. However, I do admire and applaud your desire to help him.

This.
Honestly don’t bring him back into your life and your child’s life. You have to prioritise your little girl over him, and keep her safe. That means not being around a heroin addict, ever.

I am an ex addict and I later trained as an addictions counsellor. He will have a better chance of recovery if he engages with addictions services to find out why he is using, and perhaps getting naltrexone. You may also benefit from a family support group, he's been lying to.you for years. He needs to want to stop otherwise it's pointless

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I’m not a counsellor but Ive over 20 year’s experience working with addicts and lots of heroin addicts in particular.
People can recover …but it often takes hitting rock bottom.
Also if he was using alcohol and weed the last few years then I guarantee he was also dabbling in heroin too.
I know so many functioning heroin addicts. Also just because he’s almost over the physical withdrawals does not mean he’s over the mental one.
He needs a very long stint in a treatment centre.
It’s so difficult but unless he physically checks himself in for at least six months then you have to walk away.
He’ll promise you the sun , moon and stars and he’ll actually believe it himself but he, right now , is in a serious decade long cycle of addiction.
You leaving him was just what he wanted . It gave him the permission to be more open about it as he could blame you and justify his usage.
I’m so sorry but you cannot change him, he has to do it himself .

I know someone who was a heroin addict from 17 to 20, she was in and out of rehab and had her children looked after by family members. It took til her almost losing them completely to make her realise it was down to either/or. She has been clean 20 years and you would never know she was an addict although she very rarely drinks as she knows she has control issues. She had issues with other things too and she needed help with her psychological problems and why she was an addict. She has relapsed once, very briefly in that time but i know she is unusual.
He has no real impetus to stop, he knows his daughter is well looked after and when he wants to stop he will see her again. Men are different. I see people who were addicts at the same time as my friend still doing it.
He needs to get away from his friends, away from the places he uses and get help to deal with why hes an addict.
Maybe he needs to move away, maybe you need to tell him you are going to move away with your child.
He needs a wake up call that he could lose everything.

@KissyMissy nope none at all police found cctv of him with some people and he was slumped on the floor and they just left him there never even checked on him just walked away with out a care in the world my brother was a nice boy had the world at his feet never in a millions years did I ever think he was on that shit and he never looked like he was on it we also found out the people on the cctv was some of his close friends they never came forward until someone said it was them I've seen and know a fair few people who are junkies and u can tell a mile off they are on it....please op run a mile and save ur little one from seeing her dad like that coz nine times out of ten they end up in the gutter dead and it not something a child should have to see