Husband has been a heroin addict for a year - only found out now

[Pleasepleasehelpme123]

I wrote a massively long message explaining everything and it deleted and o actually just do not have it in me right now to write it out again.

does anyone have experience with heroin or been involved with someone who has?

I separated from my husband a year ago because he was useless, lazy and abusive. I left with the hope that it would give him the kick up his arse he needs to change. We have a 3 year old daughter. I caught him smoking heroin in a public loo. He was a heroin addict from the age of 16-18. We met when he was 22. He is now 32. In between that time he’s had issues with weed and alcohol.

I’ve told him I will give him the chance to get his family back of he gets clean. I’ve told him I will support him and get him through this but he has to never do it again. he is refusing to get the implant because he says he’s kicked the habit over ten years ago with the implant and he can do it again and he doesn’t want an operation for something to be put under his skin as a constant reminder of what he’s done. I think he’s bullshitting. He’s nearly over the worst of his physical withdrawals.

I have no experience with this but from what I’ve read online he will lie and say anything to get what’s he wants. I can see that it’s not even him I’m talking to, it’s like he’s been taken over by someone else. I terrified. I left him because he didn’t make family like nice, he made it hellish, but I can’t bear to lose him, I can’t bear for my chold’s father to be a junkie which is as good as dead or literally end up dead.

I’ve told him I’ll give him another chance to get his family back but I don’t think I even mean it. I’m just saying anything to get him clean.

plase if anyone has any actual experience with this stuff could they please message me. I need real advice. I have to say I tried for my child to spare them having a junky or dead father.

any tips any anything please I’ll be so grateful.

i don’t know if I can believe a word he says.

Glad to hear he’s never alone with your daughter and doesn’t really have much of a relationship with her. No relationship with your daughter would be best as he’s going to let her down time and time again, and sorry to say, but he’s going to damage her given half the chance.
Does he want a relationship with her? Does he want to get clean for her? Because if not then unfortunately he won’t do it for you or any threats. He can only do it if he really wants to and his lack of want to get the implant suggests that he doesn’t want to.
As someone else as said, he may need to reach his rock bottom to finally make the decision to kick it, but do you want you and your daughter involved in whatever that rock bottom might look like? Probably not.
He is just going to spend his life lying to, stealing from, humiliating you and your daughter. You don’t want that. But if he’s not willing to change by his own volition, you ideally need to end all contact with him.

@Malbecormerlot so tough. And oh yes, I got the suicide threats too (my mum, alcoholic). Daily, when I was a youngster. Addicts rob everything, including their “loved ones” lives (not that any meaningful, honest, true love was happening).

I wonder if there’s an “addict’s script” much like there’s a “cheater’s script” on here.

They cheat, they lie. Never let ANYONE - and that includes yourself!! - make you feel bad for walking away from an addict. You have zero power to change them. And yeah, my mum relapsed. It’s crap.

I am the child of an addict. It was only me and him so I didn’t have another option and I was a kid so I didn’t fully understand why my dad was always ‘sick’
it fully took over my whole life. The number of times I saved his life because he was so wrecked that he nearly burned our house to the ground or staggered over the edge of a railway. My life was also in danger from his actions. He never directly harmed me as in he was never violent but I was in the house as it was burning, I was a kid in the car that he drove hammered etc. these are only small instances of my daily life. Even as an adult when I fully understood his troubles I was so bonded to him as he would have died without me. He did pass away when I was 21. And for all the years of promises to get clean, I believed him everytime because I needed that hope that life would get better. In reality I only started ‘my life’ when I was free of him. Don’t get me wrong, I desperately miss my dad. I’ve painted a picture of a monster and to many he was. His mental health was the worst I’ve witnessed and the demons in his head were always going to win but mental health wasn’t widely spoken of and even when we begged for help, it wasn’t available. I’ve since had many years of therapy (I don’t think it’s working but I know for many it’s great; not knocking it, just I don’t feel I’m benefiting from it) I also believe that (incorrectly) that it might be genetic and I’ll end up on the same path. I know it isn’t but family history of substance abuse is undeniable.
From my experience, you can’t believe an addict. And keep your little one safe. I didn’t have that option

Of course you don't want your daughter to have an addict with a real risk of downward spiral and early death for a father. But -and I'm so sorry for you both- she does. That is not your fault.
It is also not something you have any power to change and for your own sake and hers, you need to accept that as soon as possible so you can focus on what you can control.
Your best bet here is harm limitation and protecting your DD from the worst of him. Which means as much distance as you can get from him, and as little contact with him as possible.

My best friend became a heroine addict. I had to walk away, she spiralled and wouldn’t accept help. She got clean then started using again and was dead at 21.

You can’t save him. You can save yourself and your kids. Walk away.

I understand what you are saying about not wanting your daughter's dad to be a junky bit, unfortunately, he already is - it's too late.

The best thing you can do is remove yourself and your daughter from this situation. If he gets clean, and let's be honest he's talking shit about being clean just now, then you can start to think about what kind of relationship you all have. Just now you need to be away from the situation. It is not a safe of healthy environment or relationship for your kid to have.

F off and on with your life then. Life is far too short!

sorry op you can not trust a word an addict says. My brother was and I have strong suspicions he’s back on it again (large black pupils, skipping work, hours late for things) I also have cousins who have cleaned up their act only to go back to it after ten years. When they relapse it comes back with a vengeance. For someone to remain clean they need to disassociate from everyone they know in that circle , they have to want to be clean if they don’t there is not a hope in hell they will stay clean. Ow and sadly having a child doesn’t stop them from doing it either. My advice is leave , my bro was given lots of chances and left a heartbroken niece, he is no longer allowed to see her after letting her down so many times. I know he loves her and is heartbroken but the heroin is too strong a lure. My niece is happy now she has a lovely step dad and is not in a toxic environment. Please don’t ruin her childhood unless he’s clean he will mess up her life. Sorry it’s really heartbreaking but it’s true. Heroin is a really evil drug.

Reading the testimony of the posters who grew up with addicted parents - I have no words. You all deserved so much better from your parents.

"I’ve told him I will give him the chance to get his family back if he gets clean. I’ve told him I will support him and get him through this but he has to never do it again."
NOPE NOPE NOPE
My SIL almost married an H addict, after 3 yrs of him hiding it she found out like you, suffered 6 months in despair and being dragged into the gutter of "giving him a chance". Thank gods she gave him the boot and now has the happiest loveliest life with a good & kind and balanced DH.
listen to pp and give you and your daughter a chance at long term happiness.

I've never been adicted to anything but caffeine and nicotine, but I've been the child of heroin addict parents.

I am here to tell you that you should run, not walk and don't look back. If he's smoking, not injecting, he's most likely faaar from his rock bottom- however it looks and feels to you, when you found him in that public toilet...

This is a return to smack addiction, after innapropriate drink and other drug use and a longer term return, not a blip. It's what he chose, when you left him to give him a wake up call. Not his daighter, not you, not to be a decent member of a family; just heroin. If that was his choice then, as soon as life got stressful, I'd be fucking amazed if that was the first time he'd used in 10 years. I'd stake a kidney that he's had a few 'blips' in that time (from my personal experience of more heroin addicts than I can count), if he went to it as soon as you left. You just didn't know.

Anyway, my mother is still using today, a solid addict of over 40 years now. Watching her decline now (It has finally broken her in the end), torn between loving and hating her, I spend a lot of time crying and wishing I had never been born, rather than have to help this useless cunt who never helped me (I avoid where possible, but am obliged to due to family oddity). My life has been very difficult, mostly due to trauma caused by her and my dads drug use. My dad, I got to watch die from his multiple addictions in my early teens. Didn't look a pleasant death - I see his face as he died every day, at the moment. I have felt worthless from the day I was old enough to have a sense of self: I knew young and fast that I came second to drugs and it has haunted me. I actively sought out addicts for relationships, to try and prove I could come above drugs... Only ever left me hurt more though (sometimes physically too). I have slashed myself to pieces to make sense of the awful emotional pain I felt. I was suicidal for so long, I didn't even know it wasnt normal. I'd felt it from childhood. I am far from alone in this, I'm know quite a few children of addicts who are the same.

Find your self worth and find your daughter hers. Keep her away from that man. Give her a childhood without a wasteman reminding her with his every action that she's not good enough, not valued enough, doesn't 'deserve'. Think of the day she's old enough to find him having a hit in a public toilet herself. Or the day she watches the blood pour from his eyes as he dies, like I did. Think of that, grit your teeth and fuck that man off well away from the pair or you. I'd move with no forwarding address, genuinely.

Sorry. That was much longer than I'd intended!

The only thing you can do here is keep your daughter away from him. Forever. Don't look back once. Cut contact. Move away. Anything it takes.

@Pleasepleasehelpme123 Yes, plenty of experience with heroin - {won't go into why or how because of confidentiality reasons}

I'd be very wary of leaving your children with him while he is still using.

He may not be 'Physically' addicted if he's only using it now and then, but he's almost certainly psychologically addicted to it.

The trouble is- it feels so harmless and benign, and is a very good emotional pain reliever- this is what hooks people in.

There is a Naltrexone implant that 'Blocks' the effects of all opioids/opiates, if he doesn't want this, it's probably because he wants a sneaky dabble now and then.

I knew a {Medical Professional} who became addicted- I warned them that they would get physically addicted {neuradaption} but they dismissed me...sure as eggs is eggs the dealer began turning up at the surgery.

It got rather nasty.

There is substitute prescribing {Methadone/Buprenorphine} but he has to really want that -

Street heroin is absolute crap, filled with nasties.

Your children have to come first.

If he falls asleep under the effects {Gouching out}
he won't be supervising them.

I'm sorry OP.

No easy answers.

I destroy homes, tear families apart,take your children & thats just the start.Im more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold,the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold &if u need me,remember Im easily found.I live all around you in schools & in town.I live with the richI live with the poor I live down the street &maybe next door.My power is awesome;try me youll see, but if you do,you may never break free. Just try me once& I might let you go,but try me twice& Ill own your soul.When I possess you, youll steal &youll lie.You do what you have to just to get high.The crimes youll commit for my narcotic charms will be worth the pleasure youll feel in your arms.Youll lie to your mother youll steal from your dad When you see their tears you should feel sad.But youll forget your morals & how you were raised, Ill be your conscience,Ill teach you my ways.Ill take everything from you, your looks and your pride,Ill be with you always, right by your side. Ill take till you have nothing more to give&when Im finished youll be lucky to live.If you try me be warned this is no game.If given the chance, Ill drive you insane.Ill ravish your body, control your mind, own you completely your soul will be mine.The nightmares Ill give you while lying in bed, the voices youll hear from inside your head, the sweats, the shakes, the visions youll see; I want you to know, these are gifts from me, But then its too late &youll know in your heart that you are mine and we shall not part.Youll regret that you tried me,they always do,but you came to me,not I to you.You knew this would happen.Many times you were told,but you challenged my power &chose to be bold.You could have said no&just walked away, If you could live that day over,what would you say?I'll be your master; you will be my slave,Ill even go with you to your grave.Now that you have met me,what will you do?Will you try me or not?Its all up to you.I can bring you more misery than words can tell.Come take my hand,let me lead you to hell

@TantalisingCantaloupe that was a great post. Everything I could have said and more. You must be such a strong person to weather all that you have.

Seriously OP - you are in a bit of an addictive place yourself.

The cycles of hope and denial that the partners of addicts go through is well known, as is the destructive effect that the compulsion to the wrong sort of 'support' from a partner brings to a family. You cannot step away from the roller coaster until you recognise that you are on it in the first place...

Look for your local branch of Nar Anon or Al Anon. You need the support of those who have been through this.

That made me well up, it’s so heartbreaking you went through that. I’m so happy my nieces mum left and found someone who treats her and my niece really well. Op needs to know she is in control she can leave this situation. It’s not fair on the child , addicts very rarely get clean and stay clean. I’m pretty sure my bros back on it. You’re always waiting for that phone call. To put a child through that is so cruel. X I hope you find some peace in your life and are treated with respect and love. Xx

💐I hear you. We love our addicted parent when we are young and they are our family. We save them, protect them. And you were all alone. And then your dad died when you were young.

I know what you mean about therapy never really helping. Maybe it’s because you don’t want to actually speak ill about him (ie really discuss him/how he hurt you?). I may be wrong, but this is the sort of thing I’d do. Even here, you back him up. Only after I had a kid did I truly realise that my mums actions were awful, not my fault; and actually, my dad was crap too (he facilitated her). She’s 80 now, still an alcoholic (no idea how she does it!). Dad died, and I don’t see her now.

To the op, if your H is like my mum, he’ll put the drugs before your child. For the addict, the drugs come first. Run.

@TantalisingCantaloupe ..Sorry you have had to endure that. The children of addicts REALLY suffer.

You have done so well not to fall into the trap yourself. 💪

He is an adult who is capable of making decisions for himself. There is nothing you can say or do which will alter the outcome for him. He has to want to get clean for himself.

If you tell him you will give him another chance, he gets clean and then you tell him you don't really want to get back together what do you think he will do? Don't lie to him because you are naïve enough to think it will make a difference.

He was a poor partner before he took up using again so I'm not sure why you think he will be a better partner after if he gets clean.

He's an adult, your daughter is a child and she needs to be protected from the consequences of an addict father, that is your job, make her your priority.

Do you want her to grow up with such poor boundaries she thinks it's her job to "save" her father who is on a mission to self destruct? Model healthy behaviour for her sake if nothing else.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I say this as someone who was also addicted to heroin for a year, once the withdrawals are over the cravings will still be there. I had a couple minor relapses but my partner and best friend were the only reason I got through it. I would advise the implant, really it’s impossible to kick it without and he can remove it after a few years if he feels ok. Is there any way to force him into the implant? His brain is not functioning properly, so of course he doesn’t want it. He needs it though. That, or buprenorphine. Not methadone that’s again the addict talking. Buprenorphine doesn’t make you feel high at all, so it’s not generally an addicts first choice.

it’s an awful awful thing, remember to find someone for you to talk to.

Thank you, Sapatsea. That is very kind of you.

Op child of an heroin addict here...
Put your child first!
And don't go back only he can decide if its time to come off this horrible drug...for him this feels like a blanket of love it's warm its cuddlely and that's why he goes back time and time again! It gives him comfort blocks out all the things going wrong and will feel right for him!
For us its hell they lie and lie over again they steal from loved ones and those who they don't even know!
I won't go into my childhood but please don't put your little girl though this!
When high he won't know what he's doing!
When no longer high he will do everything to find that high!
It's no environment for anybody let alone a young child!

@TantalisingCantaloupe

You should be so bloody proud of yourself mate