Husband has been a heroin addict for a year - only found out now

[Pleasepleasehelpme123]

I wrote a massively long message explaining everything and it deleted and o actually just do not have it in me right now to write it out again.

does anyone have experience with heroin or been involved with someone who has?

I separated from my husband a year ago because he was useless, lazy and abusive. I left with the hope that it would give him the kick up his arse he needs to change. We have a 3 year old daughter. I caught him smoking heroin in a public loo. He was a heroin addict from the age of 16-18. We met when he was 22. He is now 32. In between that time he’s had issues with weed and alcohol.

I’ve told him I will give him the chance to get his family back of he gets clean. I’ve told him I will support him and get him through this but he has to never do it again. he is refusing to get the implant because he says he’s kicked the habit over ten years ago with the implant and he can do it again and he doesn’t want an operation for something to be put under his skin as a constant reminder of what he’s done. I think he’s bullshitting. He’s nearly over the worst of his physical withdrawals.

I have no experience with this but from what I’ve read online he will lie and say anything to get what’s he wants. I can see that it’s not even him I’m talking to, it’s like he’s been taken over by someone else. I terrified. I left him because he didn’t make family like nice, he made it hellish, but I can’t bear to lose him, I can’t bear for my chold’s father to be a junkie which is as good as dead or literally end up dead.

I’ve told him I’ll give him another chance to get his family back but I don’t think I even mean it. I’m just saying anything to get him clean.

plase if anyone has any actual experience with this stuff could they please message me. I need real advice. I have to say I tried for my child to spare them having a junky or dead father.

any tips any anything please I’ll be so grateful.

i don’t know if I can believe a word he says.

Firstly, I'm really sorry that this is happening to you.

Currently going through something similar with my ExP. Not heroin but an absolute raging cokehead. We have one DC but are not together, I left him as soon as I became aware of what he was up to. Nevertheless, gave him loads of support, and a chance to be in his DS' life. Found out yesterday he's fucked it up, he had one chance and he's blown it. I'm done.

My advice would be remember the three C's of dealing with addiction in others; I didn't cause it. I can't cure it. I can't control it.

Also, don't enable him in any way and don't believe a word he says, ever. Take your child and run. Always trust you gut.

Good luck. Life is shite sometimes x

I have to echo the other posters. Addiction is bloody awful and the only person who can do anything about it is the addict themselves. I think it's Al-Anon/AA who said, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it (with respect to you/a non-addict dealing with another person's addiction).

XH has/had an alcohol and drug addiction. I found out about the alcohol addiction earlier on, and spent years trying EVERYTHING to help him. It was hell. Private residential rehab didn't help, neither did meetings, meds etc as he just didn't want to engage...or he'd just pay lipservice to what I wanted to hear...or lie to me/gaslight me (and then fuck off behind my back and get drunk/high). Towards the end of us being together, I found out about the drug addictions too. He fucked off with OW in the end (during what was meant to be a separation we had where he was allegedly working on quitting drugs/alcohol) - they both used drugs and drank. I filed for divorce. I thank OW now - she made it easier for me to draw a line in the sand and say "no more".

Addicts have to really want to stop their addictions and they have to be tenacious with getting help and sticking with things. My ex is still drinking. Maybe not as bad as before, but definitely still is. Losing his family/marriage/home (we had a rental) hasn't stopped him, but he does say that he regrets what he did. Each time, I hear about the situations/dramas etc he gets himself into and I thank the heavens that I am not part of that crap anymore. My life is much easier and more peaceful now. My DC are settled and we have a safe, peaceful, comfortable home. That's priceless. Hindsight is a wonderful thing - I wish I could go back in time a few more years and call it quits a LOT sooner. Please don't put yourself or your DC through it anymore. I wish you all the best x

Oh god @Pleasepleasehelpme123 please, please keep your daughter safe from this. It’s the one thing you have control over.

My cousin grew up with a heroin addicted parent and it ripped his childhood to shreds. He still suffers as an adult now in his 30s. It breaks my heart as we were close growing up, and looking at how different our childhoods were and how traumatised he’s become as an adult directly because of his parent’s addiction.

Please do it for your daughter, she must be your priority. Sending you strength.

OP I am the child of a herion addict and now alcoholic and at 35 I am still trying to turn this 'parent' around. I feel a huge sense of anger over my childhood, they lie constantly are utterly selfish and hugely manipulative. I keep waiting for that phone call, it might sound callus but I don't know if I will be heartbroken or feel relieved it's over.

Echo that!!

You can’t hear this enough. He will say anything to get what he wants with the plan of being better at hiding it next time.

I would not waste my time, any little thing can be an excuse for them to use again and you get dragged into all that shite and your kids on the register with social services, no thanks, no man is worth that.

You need to disconnect from him.

You might find the Narcotics Anonymous equivalent of Al Anon for families of narcotic addicts useful. It offers a focus on you and your boundaries

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

I rarely post but felt compelled to do so. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I grew up (decades ago) with a DB addicted to heroin. He is older than me. I was around 12 when is started and it destroyed my childhood. I saw and experienced things I never should and the effects of this I still feel today. It destroyed the family. He would lie,steal, do anything to feed the addiction. Addicts are selfish; you will never come first, or even second.
Many trips to detox and rehab brought new hope but deep down we'd all been here before.
Where are we today? He is still alive, which amazes me. He doesn't take heroin but for years now has taken methadone plus many other prescription meds. He has poor quality of life, with few, if any life skills/social skills, almost child-like. It feel as though heroin stole so many years that cognitively he remains a child.
He will always be my brother but the only way I can manage the relationship with him is being detached and distant. It may sound harsh but it's a protective mechanism.

Do you want to repeat this experience in a few years time? High chance you might, if you take him back.
Right now, he doesn't seem willing to change. You giving him false hope of a reunion, when you admit you're unsure, is actually unfair on all involved.
You don't let your daughter down because her father is an addict or even if it kills him.
You cannot control the actions of another person. You can't force him to stop or to stay clean.
If you care about him, offer your support should he want to reach out for help, go to appointments with him etc but do not promise to get back together.
You said he's lazy, abusive, made your life miserable and had issues with drink and drugs for years. Honestly, wash your hands of that shit. I did because, in the end, my time and energy was better spent on my son. Do the same, please.

I discovered in a previous long-term relationship that my then-partner was a cocaine addict, after years of this being kept from me, so I can understand the shock. It's a lot.

It sounds like you are a caring person whose empathy is in overdrive right now as you imagine the worst possible future outcomes for your husband and child. That's really normal and understandable. It also doesn't mean it's your job to try to protect his future. (It's not really within your abilities to do so anyway - he is the only one who can steer his life.) One of the most helpful things you can do is not shield him from the consequences of his choices.

You deserve the support and love of those who care about you at this time, as well as support from those who know this specific experience. Go to an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting, and then go to another one. Try a few different ones in quick succession to see which one suits you best. The people there won't tell you what to do; instead they will listen and share their experiences and help you not be alone in this.

This every single time.

The implant is a red herring though - it doesn't really create change it just prevents the individual acting impulsively, it dosn;t necessarily chsange thought processes or behaviours.

Anyone who buys or sells drugs is absolutely reprehensible in my opinion. The sellers because they’re profiting off other people’s addictions and the buyers because they cause huge misery to others by stealing from and threatening them and in some instances using violence. Your number one priority is to keep your family safe and the only way you can do that is by cutting him out of your life.

I get your reasons for saying you’ll support him but he is not your responsibility to fix. You had already chosen to leave him before you knew about his relapse. Your child will arguably be better off with him removed from their life until HE has made the decision to get clean, and stuck to it.
Until then, as uncaring as it might sound, you are both a million times better off without him and you in particular should feel absolutely no guilt about cutting him out. You are protecting yourself and your child from untold harm by doing so.

He has an addictive personality. Three addictions you already know about, but so many that will tempt him in the future, not necessarily drugs, but gambling, alcohol, porn, who knows, but new addiction there will be.

That should have said:

• using violence to fund their habit

OP, it's not about you or the vision of a family unit you hold. It's about him. And mostly it's about your 3year old.

She is categorically better off without a father than a father with an addiction like heroin.

You can't save him, but you can save that little girl from baring witness to it.

Your choice really boils down to - do you want heroin to be a feature of your daughter's life? By choosing him you are unequivocally choosing to raise her around heroin in some way or another.

Don't just walk away. Run.

And yes, I’ve been mugged at knife point by a drug user in the past, an experience that still haunts me today - so I have very little sympathy.

So fucking sad. Why do some people feel the need to try and save others ? I'm sorry it was so shit for you growing up.

Maintain that status quo.

Not drug addiction, but I do have family who suffer from intractable mental illness. It was completely impossible to give them any kind of support when I was stuck living with them having my own life turned to complete chaos.

I don't think you need to go NC, unless you think he's an actual danger to you or your daughter even in brief get-togethers. (Consider that it might be best he doesn't know your address in case he decides to burgle it to feed his addiction.) But you should assume you will not be living together again.

The sooner he gets treatment the better, but you can't make him get it.

I have a close family member that beat heroin addiction. He’s one of the most inspiring people I know because of how much he’s turned his life around. You would never imagine what he’s been though if you met him now. It took a LOT to get there though. I remember so much family drama until eventually, he decided he wanted to quit. It was the implants that worked for him in the end and he’s now been clean and thriving in his new life for over 10 years. I promise you there is nothing you can do unless he wants this himself. You can love him, support him and offer him the world but it has to come from him. Our family did everything they could have but the results came when he decided it was time. Wishing you all the best OP, I really hope this works out for you and your daughter - whether or not that includes him ❤️

It is possible to get clean and stay clean off heroin. But it takes a huge amount of determination and commitment by the patient to do so, along with supportive friends and family and leaving behind all aspects of their drug related life (eg "friends").

Just dabbling in giving it up will never ever work. They need to massively WANT to do it, and commit to medical support (detox, substitution therapy if appropriate), psychological support (therapy, support groups) and social support (social workers if appropriate/criminal history). Needless to say, support for addicts is stretched massively thin, so in reality they prioritise the resources on patients they think are a "good bet" for recovery. Bullshitters with a long history of use, relapse and lying are not a good bet.

Don't try and save your ex. Someone has already quoted the three C's at you. Focus on keeping you and your daughter safe and never ever believe a word your ex says.

My ex was an addict ( not heroin) however yes he lied told me what I wanted to hear to stay .

After I left and divorced he admitted he never planned or saw his life without drugs .

He was never able to prioritise my child even once a fortnight visitation .

The children deserve better .

Keep urself and ur little girl safe and leave him in the gutter we're he belongs all he will do is lie to try and win u back if u give him the chance run and don't look back

For the sake of your daughter OP - please drop the idea that you might be able to save him or influence him with ultimatums / offers to be a family again.

To an addict there is nothing more important to them than their poison, be it drugs or alcohol.

I wasted years and sacrificed my own happiness tying myself in knots trying to get my alcoholic mother to engage with support services.

I can tell you with absolute certainty that having an addict as a parent messed me up, and she didn't even become an addict until I was 18. Your daughter is still so young. He is going to destroy her entire childhood.

Walk away. Please. For her sake.