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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has been a heroin addict for a year - only found out now

187 replies

Pleasepleasehelpme123 · 09/08/2023 20:44

I wrote a massively long message explaining everything and it deleted and o actually just do not have it in me right now to write it out again.

does anyone have experience with heroin or been involved with someone who has?

I separated from my husband a year ago because he was useless, lazy and abusive. I left with the hope that it would give him the kick up his arse he needs to change. We have a 3 year old daughter. I caught him smoking heroin in a public loo. He was a heroin addict from the age of 16-18. We met when he was 22. He is now 32. In between that time he’s had issues with weed and alcohol.

I’ve told him I will give him the chance to get his family back of he gets clean. I’ve told him I will support him and get him through this but he has to never do it again. he is refusing to get the implant because he says he’s kicked the habit over ten years ago with the implant and he can do it again and he doesn’t want an operation for something to be put under his skin as a constant reminder of what he’s done. I think he’s bullshitting. He’s nearly over the worst of his physical withdrawals.

I have no experience with this but from what I’ve read online he will lie and say anything to get what’s he wants. I can see that it’s not even him I’m talking to, it’s like he’s been taken over by someone else. I terrified. I left him because he didn’t make family like nice, he made it hellish, but I can’t bear to lose him, I can’t bear for my chold’s father to be a junkie which is as good as dead or literally end up dead.

I’ve told him I’ll give him another chance to get his family back but I don’t think I even mean it. I’m just saying anything to get him clean.

plase if anyone has any actual experience with this stuff could they please message me. I need real advice. I have to say I tried for my child to spare them having a junky or dead father.

any tips any anything please I’ll be so grateful.

i don’t know if I can believe a word he says.

OP posts:
Beurla · 09/08/2023 21:10

I hope he gets clean OP. I guess you could support him from afar, but keep strong boundaries. There are some help places which are useful.

Dighi · 09/08/2023 21:10

LookingForPurpose · 09/08/2023 20:49

Not heroin but addiction, addicts, destroy children so please put your child first and walk away. I can not express enough how damaging it's been for me myself being raised by a functioning alcoholic and a woman estate to "save" him. It's affected every single aspect of my life and I wish desperately that my mum had just the courage to walk away from my dad and have some sort of a life with me and my sister. Instead my entire childhood was a cycle of broken promises and my Nan having to step in to parent us as mum was so wrapped up with my dad that she barely noticed us.

This, but the other way around. Alcoholic mum. It is dreadful for the children. I confirm what @LookingForPurpose says. Children are damaged by addicted parents. I almost died because of my parent (I coped by having an eating disorder, that lasted from age 15–33….).

Walk away, walk away, do it for your child.

There is NO reasoning with an addicted person. I tried to help for decades. They don’t care. let’s them get on with their fix.

Of course, all sympathy for the mental health issues that led them into addiction, we all try to help, you’ve tried. But by god, I wish no child to be raised by a lying, selfish, addict (which they all are, or all become).

Els1e · 09/08/2023 21:11

Some experience with family members with drink, drug addiction but I would say walk away now for the sake of your child.

Cantstaystuckforever · 09/08/2023 21:12

I can’t bear to lose him, I can’t bear for my chold’s father to be a junkie which is as good as dead or literally end up dead

Unfortunately, your child already has an addict for a father, there's nothing you can do about that, it's likely he will always have this issue in the background. My children have the same, and I don't blame my younger self for not realising, but I do blame my older self for taking FAR too long to cut the cord, then letting him back with the goal posts moving again and again.

You can be compassionate and acknowledge his sadness and your own sadness at the situation, without saying it's ok or offering things you don't mean. Agree about speaking with Nar-anon, with SS if there's a risk he's using when your dd is alone with him, or if he might be acting out of character and doing anything dangerous, and stay strong for your daughter's sake.

Addictforanex · 09/08/2023 21:13

I have experience, though for my ex it was cocaine. I was totally blindsided 19 months into our marriage. I spent 10 years trying to fix him, stop him, help him, bail him out and it dominated my life and I became a shadow of myself. He fed me all sorts of bullshit and I believe him over and over again. In the end I got out for my sake and that of my children and I have regretted it not one iota (and reading the experiences of the PP children of addicts just cements that I did the right thing). 6 years on from our divorce and he is still using, no job, bankrupt (despite a 6 figure divorce settlement from me) on the bones of his arse, and the kids barely tolerate him for 2 hours a week in a public place. He doesn’t know them atall because he is too caught up in his own mess to be any sort of parent. The kids are happy, fulfilled, settled and not codependent because I have created that safety for them and worked bloody hard at it. They have a father figure in my wonderful new partner. It is sad that it came to this but I was powerless to change him.

I know every situation is different but my advice would be don’t start on that slippery slope, don’t try to give him “one last chance”
or “incentives” to stop. Sadly I would be utterly stunned if any of that ever worked.

Sorry this is happening to you.

WilkinsonM · 09/08/2023 21:13

He's useless, lazy, abusive and a heroin addict. What on EARTH are you thinking trying to get back together with him?

LookingWest · 09/08/2023 21:19

If you are still married is there a risk of being liable for debts he creates?

you can’t fix him, a family friend had a heroin addiction, lied about getting clean for years, destroyed pretty much every family relationship in that time, took money, effectively prostituted, had to move halfway across the country for a total break from all connections and even then took a few more years to get clean due to buying via dark web even once the influences and triggers had gone from her life. What your child needs is to know you protected them from this, not to grow up thinking a relationship where your role is to fix someone is normal.
good luck

Jl2014 · 09/08/2023 21:19

Walk away from this man. He is no good for your child

Marchmount · 09/08/2023 21:20

A useless, lazy and abusive addict? Why would you even consider taking him back? You can’t change who your dd’s father is but you can protect her from exposure to him.

8990m · 09/08/2023 21:20

Walk away now and protect your child, I did for my son as I have experience with what your going through now.
he never changed and he only lied more and got increasingly aggressive until he seriously hurt me one day. He was a lot like your husband as well really abusive and dragged me down with him until I finally walked away for good with our son.
yes he’s still using to this day and that was 7 years ago

JudgeRudy · 09/08/2023 21:22

How heartbreaking and infuriating at the same time. Unfortunately I don't think your approach is helpful. You're trying to 'tempt' him with a life he could have and saying your'e going to help/support him to do that....but that's not how recovery works.
If he wants his family he has the fight of his life on his hands. He can only do this if he feels the reward is enough. You shouldn't have to be 'selling ' this dream, he should want it. He doesn't,not enough. The psychological addition is the hardest to break, that's why people relapse. The draw is too much. He hasn't come to you begging for help. He's not ready.
In the meantime you need to get on with your life and keep your daughter safe. You have your own 'addiction' to deal with. Just as he's lieing to himself/you so are you. I get it. You want a farther for your child and hou probably 'love' him at some level, but it's not real...let it go. Speak to any of the drug charities. Many have help for friends and family damaged along the way.
Good luck x

BrightYellowDaffodil · 09/08/2023 21:23

Giantwindows · 09/08/2023 20:50

To add, the signs are there OP. Doesn’t want the implant as can do it without? No. Doesn’t want the implant because doesn’t plan on getting clean.

I agree with this. If he was serious about getting clean he would do anything.

Soveryunwell · 09/08/2023 21:25

Walk away now, do nit make this hair life or that of your child’s.

Soveryunwell · 09/08/2023 21:26

Sorry typos,

Walk away now, do not make this your life or that of your child’s.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/08/2023 21:26

Don't waste your life and your daughter's life on this man.

Cut him off. It's better for her to miss a false memory than to have any knowledge of this person.

tommyhoundmum · 09/08/2023 21:27

I am the guardian of a child whose parent was a heroin addict. They cannot be trusted or relied upon in any situation let alone a family.

Busubaba · 09/08/2023 21:28

Look at the celebrities that have died from it or from complications stating from it.

They have all the money to get help to kick it and can't.

The odds are against him successfully kicking it.

Walk away and keep your child safe.

Comedycook · 09/08/2023 21:28

Whatever you do, do not ever have unprotected sex with him.

Canisaysomething · 09/08/2023 21:28

Your priority is your child. Your child needs a loving stable , happy mum. You will be put through extreme stress trying to help your ex. Take a massive step back, and let others waste their time and energy helping him. It won't be easy to distance yourself but this battle isn't for you.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 09/08/2023 21:29

CinnabarRed · 09/08/2023 20:47

You can’t ever trust him. Addicts lie. It’s what they do. You mustn’t give him a second chance or let him back into your lives.

He will lie. You need to separate and turn he needs to get clean by himself. I don't agree that you can never let him into your lives again but you need to live very separately at the moment.

RoseAndRose · 09/08/2023 21:34

You had already left him.

It's not up to you to sort his life out.

It is up to you to protect your DD, so you need to make arrangements for him to have only supervised access.

Agree that support from a charity might help you achieve this safely, or suspend it if unsafe (the title of this link references alcohol, but the links include other addictions)

A list of family support services | Alcohol Change UK

Barbiesdreamhousenotmojodojocasahouse · 09/08/2023 21:35

@LookingForPurpose 💐foryou and others who suffered growing up.

Exhippy · 09/08/2023 21:35

I’m really sorry but you need to leave him and get his influence out of your child’s life for good.

My step mother became a heroin addict when I was 14. I am now 40 and though I’ve not seen her for 25 years, her son tells me that she is still an addict living in a hovel, looks awful, collapsed veins, agoraphobic, infected groin, all money gone, eternal victim, demented and basically the walking dead.

She has stolen money from her own and only son, she drinks a bottle of vodka a day on top of all the heroin she takes.

Cut loose now. Only 1% of people manage to get clean from smack.

Malbecormerlot · 09/08/2023 21:36

Run as fast as you can and don't look back.

I had a relationship with a heroin addict, he was using it to function and at that point wasn't your typical junkie. He took enough to get through the day and go to work. I was naive and believed him when he said he wasn't using. The taking just a little didn't last and he had to take more and more just to get through the day. I would get home from work and the TV, microwave, cd player even the hoover was gone. Anything he could sell he did.

Many broken promises about getting clean and emotional blackmail if I didn't stay he would kill himself. I left, he did follow through on that threat. I'm sad for who he could have been but I don't feel guilty it wasn't my fault.

Your priority is your child you owe this man nothing. Only he can help himself no one else can do it. Don't fall for the lies, you are worth so much more.

Wisenotboring · 09/08/2023 21:39

You need to leave him. When you have a child, the child needs to come first. You need to break away, remove your child and give them a safe, nurturing childhood. Don't ruin their childhood (or even risk it) to try and fix this man.