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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave the dc with DH both days this weekend?

312 replies

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 16:57

I’m feeling bad about it but I have had long standing plans at the theatre on Saturday with a friend and then Sunday it turns out a different friend is going to be visiting (lives about three hours away and not seen her for months!) as she is here next week for business and has asked if I fancy lunch and then a bit of shopping in a nearby city.

DH is not impressed. I can’t remember this every happening before - dc are 8 and 14 - DH is saying I need to decide what I want to do most because I can’t have both days.

Conversely he has had weekends away (not often but occasionally) since the dc were born and I’ve not ever had one! I won’t be away, just put Saturday afternoon and I suppose for several hours on Sunday but it will preclude me doing anything with him and dc.

AIBU to think it shouldn’t be that big a deal?

OP posts:
1967buglet · 09/08/2023 20:16

Time your 8-year old saw you as a person who has her own friends and life. She’s old enough to get that. Otherwise, She will get the idea the when she is a mother, she has to be there 24-7 for her kids until they leave the house, and it is oK not to expect her husband to share parenting. That’s no good at all.

Time your husband respects your right to have an independent adult life. If he can’t handle that, well I’d be reconsidering putting up with that. He’s being a child himself sulking around.

I’d just go to the theatre and see your friend and spend the night away as others have suggested. I don’t have kids, but DH knows I have my own life. I was away for two months abroad on a fellowship one year, and 3 months away for work another. He sorted the domestics, etc, and it was no problem. Raise your expectations and have a great weekend.

MrsMarzetti · 09/08/2023 20:26

I would be booking a hotel for the Saturday night. Your Husband needs to grow up and your 8 year old needs to stop crying.

BlastedIce · 09/08/2023 20:39

Oh tell him to fuck if and book an overnight stay in a hotel, enjoy your weekend away.

Not sure why I’m 14 years you’ve never had a weekend away alone. That’s seriously weird.

CapEBarra · 09/08/2023 20:42

Good grief. That’s mad. Is he that pathetic in other areas of his life? My ex (and we didn’t work out, but to be fair he’s an excellent dad) looks forward to me going out or away so he can spend more time with the kids.

BlastedIce · 09/08/2023 20:42

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 17:02

we are both off Friday so we will do something then which will be ok.

Thanks - he’s having a massive sulk about it and I struggle to know if that’s fair or not because now I feel guilty. It’s not helped by my 8 year old crying if I go out and leave her with her dad.

Well that nonsense needs addressing as well!

astarsheis · 09/08/2023 20:43

I can't even comment properly on a thread like this.
You just do it...why is it even up for discussion...
Who marries these men?

MinnieTruck · 09/08/2023 20:44

😐

MinnieTruck · 09/08/2023 20:44

astarsheis · 09/08/2023 20:43

I can't even comment properly on a thread like this.
You just do it...why is it even up for discussion...
Who marries these men?

These are the questions that need answering. It’s ridiculous

Boomboom22 · 09/08/2023 20:45

But what looking after is required? By 8 they can look after themselves with a 14 year old there to help make lunch anyway surely he is superfluous anyway.

CapEBarra · 09/08/2023 20:46

And yes - book a hotel. If he can go away you absolutely should too. As to the 8 year old clinging to you - that shouldn’t be happening - he should be supporting you - and you need to have an easy comeback…something like, ‘Daddy has lots of great adventures planned and can’t wait to have fun with you both’. Then run.

JudgeRudy · 09/08/2023 20:47

YANBU. It shouldn't be such a big deal. It's a one off. How did he respond when you pointed out the inequity of 'free/me' time? Of course, it could be that he too had plans and you just got in first (for a change). The fact that he's said choose one or the other leads me to believe there was no particular match he was hoping to watch etc.
Is his objection you're not spending time together as a family, or is it that he doesn't want the responsibility of the his kids?. I suspect the latter.
I don't know his nature but I'd be inclined to just say no, you won't choose. You're doing both. Is it likely he'd just disappear on Sunday leaving you in a mess. Have a plan B if he does.
I'd hate to be in a tit for tat marriage but you might need to start logging things. Even if you do get to do both things you've not won. He has still emotionally manipulated you. That's psychological abuse. Is he always so controlling. In your situation a little bit of respect for him would have died. He doesn't want to parent his own kids and he's manipulative bully. Not sure you ever get that respect back.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2023 20:49

astarsheis · 09/08/2023 20:43

I can't even comment properly on a thread like this.
You just do it...why is it even up for discussion...
Who marries these men?

Women who have been fed a script about being service humans. I have a couple of friends like this I spend all my time being mean to their husbands about what lazy wankers they are and they were raised in very sexist households.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/08/2023 20:49

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 17:08

My issue is that when she cries he says ‘mummy has decided she wants to go out, not stay here.’
And then he doesn’t do anything to distract her, he just lets her hang onto me and I have to peel
her off.
Drives me crazy.
I will try and be more assertive! Rather than ask, I will tell.

You really need to get him to work with you and not upset your daughter by not distracting her. I was clingy as a child but still learned I had to be left. My DNephew who’s 5 hated being left but is now fine with it.

She’s far too old to be making a scene.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/08/2023 20:52

Boomboom22 · 09/08/2023 20:45

But what looking after is required? By 8 they can look after themselves with a 14 year old there to help make lunch anyway surely he is superfluous anyway.

Shouldn’t the 14 year old in theory be able to be left with the 8 year old to mind her during the night or day and to put something to eat in the microwave or oven? And to make sure she brushes her teeth and does bedtime routine.

Fizbosshoes · 09/08/2023 20:54

That's insane. And very manipulative what he says to your DD. I would reply that you are spending time with your friends (possibly liken it to if/when she goes to a friends to play)

And I don't even think it would unreasonable if they were toddlers, but at that age the 14 year old especially will be relatively self sufficient

arethereanyleftatall · 09/08/2023 20:56

@GonnaGetGoingReturns

Well yes, the 14 year old should. Indeed, my 14yo dd has earnt quite a lot of money babysitting this summer for our 5&7 year old friends dc.

But, this14yo has grown up with a father who does fuck all parenting. In fact, one that sulks if he has to do two afternoons in a row. So, if the14yo is a boy, there's a chance he's not actually capable of it, after all his one role model doesn't.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 09/08/2023 20:57

I find it so upsetting to read these posts about selfish men who simply will not parent, or do housework, or take any responsibility for family life, expecting their female partners to do everything. This is 2023 ffs. I'm sorry you're having to put up with this, OP. Flowers

Anothernamethesamegame · 09/08/2023 20:58

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 19:27

He’s had them together in the evening sometimes and for the odd day, but not usually consecutive days like this.
Never bothers me if he’s going away for work / stay do / with his mates. No issue at all.

He clearly need to do more caring for them. It’s highly unfair that he has been able to have whole weekends away but is stropping about you have 2 1/2 days out. It’s really quite pathetic.

Have you asked him why it is ok for him to have a whole weekend away but not you?

Don’t let him shit over your plans. The issue is 100% his. Not being able to manage your own children for 2x 1/2 days is a sorry state to be in and he clearly
need more practice at it.

Crunchingleaf · 09/08/2023 21:01

My issue is that when she cries he says ‘mummy has decided she wants to go out, not stay here.’
And then he doesn’t do anything to distract her, he just lets her hang onto me and I have to peel her off.

It’s been an effective tactic for him though hasn’t it. Because you haven’t left the kids with him for weekend once.
We have 2 under 2 and I have a 14 year old from a previous relationship. I am going on a Hen next weekend and leaving my DH with the kids. I feel guilty about going but because my DH isn’t a selfish arse he says I need a break from the kids and that I will enjoy myself.

It’s not a good picture you’re painting with manipulation and sulking from your husband.

notahappybunny7 · 09/08/2023 21:06

frazzledasarock · 09/08/2023 19:53

ex would use kids as a weapon if I dared go anywhere leaving him with them. For the entire time I was married to him I only left my dc with him once. And he called me incessantly telling me how upset they were how inconsolable they were how I was an awful mother for leaving them crying desperately for me whilst I went gallivanting.

My DH on the other hand has had our dc and my older dc whilst I’ve been off gallivanting on weekend breaks with friends when he’s had no time away himself ever. He’s positively encouraged it and when dc got upset he distracted her by doing activities she loves and branding the day daddy and dc day (to her delight).

your H OP is a shit dad and husband.

Not being funny but I’d be worried about him too

notahappybunny7 · 09/08/2023 21:08

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/08/2023 20:52

Shouldn’t the 14 year old in theory be able to be left with the 8 year old to mind her during the night or day and to put something to eat in the microwave or oven? And to make sure she brushes her teeth and does bedtime routine.

Show quote history

Why should a 14 yo be responsible for a younger sibling??

Boomboom22 · 09/08/2023 21:10

I'm maybe just a shit parent but what exactly needs doing with an 8 tear old between 12 and 5 other than making a sandwich? At home I don't actively parent really, even my 4 year old busies himself with toys, in the garden etc
If he asks me to push him on the swing or join in an imaginary game I will but I just get on with life, tidying, washing etc and the kids do their thing on the xbox, garden, toys, crafts. At 11 and 10 I don't set stuff up anymore they get it themselves and the 4 Yr old asks me or an older hrother or daddy.

Feverly · 09/08/2023 21:11

Any thoughts, OP?

Boomboom22 · 09/08/2023 21:11

Oh yes the 4 Yr old calls if he needs his bum wiped too.

Daisymae55 · 09/08/2023 21:12

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 17:08

My issue is that when she cries he says ‘mummy has decided she wants to go out, not stay here.’
And then he doesn’t do anything to distract her, he just lets her hang onto me and I have to peel
her off.
Drives me crazy.
I will try and be more assertive! Rather than ask, I will tell.

It’s horrible that he says that and totally manipulative.

Tell him to get a grip and enjoy your weekend!