To leave the dc with DH both days this weekend?

[Teenytinyduckling]

I’m feeling bad about it but I have had long standing plans at the theatre on Saturday with a friend and then Sunday it turns out a different friend is going to be visiting (lives about three hours away and not seen her for months!) as she is here next week for business and has asked if I fancy lunch and then a bit of shopping in a nearby city.

DH is not impressed. I can’t remember this every happening before - dc are 8 and 14 - DH is saying I need to decide what I want to do most because I can’t have both days.

Conversely he has had weekends away (not often but occasionally) since the dc were born and I’ve not ever had one! I won’t be away, just put Saturday afternoon and I suppose for several hours on Sunday but it will preclude me doing anything with him and dc.

AIBU to think it shouldn’t be that big a deal?

Have you booked your hotel.for Saturday night yet?

You need to. Go away from Saturday morning until Sunday evening and do not think about him once.
If you need to say goodnight to your kids, you can leave them.something to open at bedtime.
But that's it.

Go to both ! And please don’t rush back from either or clock watch .
talk to him when kids are in bed and tell
him the mind games aren’t happening with you Andy more abs he doesn’t get to play with your daughter head and emotions .
tell him it’s time to man up and dad up .
he will keep the kids busy and he will make sure your daughters ok when you leave no more games.
Tell him time for change you have had enough

He sounds like a useless man. Poor you. The fact your 8 year old crys when left alone with him is concerning op.

🤣 atleast you're not treated like a second class citizen 👍🏼 you obviously know your worth.

Your DH has had weekends away and you're feeling guilty over part days over the weekend?

Please don't. Have a great time and tell your DH you already have one 14 year old and don't need two so could he please adult...

Your husband is a manipulative wanker!!
And for the record you are absolutely NOT BU not go out both days. Go and enjoy yourself.
Then after the weekend, deal with the issue of your dh. You have bigger issues to sort out. He needs a huge wake up call and to learn to respect and support your needs, and a lesson on how to solo parent his children 😡
enjoy your weekend with your friends 💐

OP honestly, is your DH abusive to you or your children? Shouting regularly, losing his temper? Throwing things? Making threats or calling people names?

I was like your 8yo my dad would never look after us and when my mum went out to her once a week hobby I would beg her to stay or to go with her. Its because my dad was an abusive bastard and he was a lot worse when she wasn't there. I was afraid of him though at that age I couldn't have explained it well because I wasn't aware it was abuse or that all dad's weren't like that.

If you think her concerns might be justified, could you think about leaving him? She should feel safe in her own house really.

I must admit I tended to do most of the childminding when DCs were small, partly because DH had a job and a hobby that took him out a lot and I didn't. He also went on a few boys' holidays for a week each year for several years (I didn't as wasn't invited anywhere plus he was working and I wasn't).

But he would never have stopped me doing anything on the grounds that he couldn't manage two children for a few hours for two consecutive days! When they were 6 I went to London with a friend for the weekend, and the DCs cried their eyes out on the station platform and again when I rang in the evening. But I think they were just egging each other on - and anyway he was fantastic at cheering them up.

If a Dad can't manage his own DCs at 8 and 14 he sounds like a serious waste of space - and I say this as someone who has generally done most of the childcare! Just tell him to get a grip.

"Conversely he has had weekends away (not often but occasionally) since the dc were born and I’ve not ever had one!"
Write down every weekend he has been away, then write down every weekend you have, then tell him that you will be going out both days and if he doesn't like it then he can forget about going away for any future weekends ever again.

@Teenytinyduckling If you can afford to I’d book a hotel or air B’n’B for Friday & Saturday & have the whole weekend to yourself & your friend.
Your partner is bang out of order with his double standards 😡
Boils my piss when partners whine they have to take care of the kids & turn to guilt trip tactics when default parent dares to spend some time out of the house or not being the default parent.
Leave him to fend for the whole weekend & enjoy yourself 😘

Book a hotel, stay away for the weekend and tell him if he wants to spend the weekend guilting your daughter can he also have some thoughts about the custody arrangement he would like in a separation, as being a shitty dad and shitty hypocritical husband just makes you want out.

I’m very serious about the hotel. Make it clear he wants to be a pathetic grump, the last thing you will do is fold and slot back into 24/7 carer of his children. You will double down and he will have even more parenting time. Every. Single. Time. From now on there are no weekends away unless you’ve had one. Don’t just accept this double standard, then you end up where you are now. Or just separate, you might be happier and he might do more parenting.

I would remind him that he has had weekends away since your 8 and 14 year old were born.
Meanwhile you never had a weekend off kid free in 14 years.
I would then be telling him he will be looking after his children both Sat and Sunday and in fact your getting a hotel room for Sat night.
I would also tell him that you had enough of doing the majority of the child minding for the past 14 years and it his turn now.

Tell him as well not to upset the 8 year old and have them ringing you crying for mammy to come home. At 8 your child needs to manage without your being their always.
If your husbands pulls the crying child on you I let him know that his life and the kids lives will be very unpleasant for several weeks if you have to come home.
Let them see how unpleasant life can get when he is taking you for granted. No cooking, laundry, no food shop and just sitting back leaving every thing to him.

If he says anything more about this ask him would he like to move out, have the kids every 2nd weekend on his own and be paying child maintenance as well.

Tell the kids the kids in front of him daddy is minding you this Saturday and Sunday as mammy is going to met her friends. Tell you 8 year old they are a big boy or girl now and it's daddy's turn to mind them. If you have to come home your going to be very annoyed and there will be no football, computer game or what ever the 8 year old like for a month.
If they start whining just tell them I am not listening to you acting like a baby.

8 and 14???!! And he can’t cope alone with them?! I am actually lost for words.

Of course it’s ok to go out both days for a few hours. You should have done it much sooner.

He needs to get a grip. It is one weekend and your children are not babies (not that it should make a difference).
I go out and meet with friends whenever I want (mine are now 13 and 16 but have done since they were babies). As does my husband.
Don't let this ruin your days out or feel pressured to rush back.

Ur DH is a dick head sorry

Jeez I moan about my DH on occasion but what the hell!! I've been going away for weekends on my own since my 2 were little. My DH loves it lol. We both have time away She's only out 5 hrs Sat then 5 hrs Sunday ffs! & he gets to go away for work or with friends often! Some people shouldn't be parents imo. Her 2 aren't even little! My DS15 makes his own plans with friends & doesn't need much parenting now. OP's DH sounds like an awful Dad/husband and person!

8 and 14??! He is unreasonable even if it was 3 year old twins, but older kids! And one a teenager?!
Mumsnet never fails to amaze me. YADNBU and your husband is a massive twat. Your 8 year old needs to learn some resilience, she’s too old to be carrying on like that (although clearly your husband hasn’t helped matters!). I honestly couldn’t stand to be in a relationship like this. What a selfish, pathetic man.

I'd be tempted to put recorders in the house to see what happens when you're not there.

I think if I was at the stage of doing this kind of thing, I’d end the relationship or get some serious help about my paranoia!

He’s sulking because he’s actually going to have to parent for two days in a row while you have some well deserved you time

seriously don’t even consider it and definitely don’t thank him afterwards. They are his kids too, he shouldn’t expect to have ‘weekends off’ from childcare duties - they are his kids too and it’s a 24/7, 365 kinds deal & it’s not like you get time off from it

i have to remind my husband of this when I tell him I want/need to do something and he’s like ‘oh but I need to work late’ - no you don’t, you need better time management of your work day, we both dk 37.5 hrs a week and somehow I do 95% of the parenting and house management too… so it literally can be down, esp if you are asking for a defined period of time, you aren’t suggesting that you disappear on an Amazonian trek for a few months and he can handle it lol it is TWO DAYS and not even the whole time

Well yes but I'm just wondering if there's a reason the 8yr old doesn't want to be with her dad.

@pinkyredrose could it just be that he is manipulative and tells her mummy loves her friends more than you

What an arse! Seriously that’s ridiculous.