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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave the dc with DH both days this weekend?

312 replies

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 16:57

I’m feeling bad about it but I have had long standing plans at the theatre on Saturday with a friend and then Sunday it turns out a different friend is going to be visiting (lives about three hours away and not seen her for months!) as she is here next week for business and has asked if I fancy lunch and then a bit of shopping in a nearby city.

DH is not impressed. I can’t remember this every happening before - dc are 8 and 14 - DH is saying I need to decide what I want to do most because I can’t have both days.

Conversely he has had weekends away (not often but occasionally) since the dc were born and I’ve not ever had one! I won’t be away, just put Saturday afternoon and I suppose for several hours on Sunday but it will preclude me doing anything with him and dc.

AIBU to think it shouldn’t be that big a deal?

OP posts:
MaryJanesonabreak · 10/08/2023 07:53

What all this nonsense shows is that father and children really need to spend more time together.
If you don’t go out to your functions you will be depriving them of the opportunity to grow their relationship.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 10/08/2023 08:03

What's good for him is good for you, if he's had weekends away then he can't object to yours. Tbh even if he's never had a weekend away there's no reason you can't. He's being very selfish and I'd nip the passive aggressive 'mummy wants to go out' crap in the bud, that's absolutely not in and he's well out of order

Feelinglow27 · 10/08/2023 08:05

Horrible, selfish, controlling man.

I feel sorry for you and your kids.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/08/2023 08:21

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 19:27

He’s had them together in the evening sometimes and for the odd day, but not usually consecutive days like this.
Never bothers me if he’s going away for work / stay do / with his mates. No issue at all.

Presumably because it's a relief to
you all when he's not there?

I find it concerning that an 8 yr old is this clingy. You don't comment on the relationship he has with your older child?

Poppyfun1 · 10/08/2023 08:26

Can’t???? My answer would be ‘ Fuc**ng watch me’

Branwells77 · 10/08/2023 08:47

Your DH is BU go out on both days enjoy your weekend your DC are not young and if he can’t manage them then that’s his problem let him sulk about

astarsheis · 10/08/2023 09:34

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2023 20:49

Women who have been fed a script about being service humans. I have a couple of friends like this I spend all my time being mean to their husbands about what lazy wankers they are and they were raised in very sexist households.

Show quote history

I just don't get it. DH and I have been married for 38 years and have always been a couple of equals. Although I took a backstep career wise when we went to live overseas with his company, we always had joint accounts and we showed equal commitment to raising the DC and have time away from each other too, support each others hobbies etc.
When I occasionally lament about not having had equal paid jobs he gets mad and tells me that he would not be where he is without my support and sacrifices.
We have shown our DC what an equal partnership is and how to raise a family by supporting each other.
It saddens me when I read these stories on mumsnet in 2023.

Fizbosshoes · 10/08/2023 09:49

I'm surprised people are thinking it would be different if they were toddlers. Why? If her DH is their dad why would it be unreasonable to have them for what likely will amount to a day (split in 2 halves) over a weekend?
Obviously toddlers and preschoolers are harder work and need more input than (presumably nt) 8 and 14 year olds but it's normal fir most parents to have time with their children alone for sone periods of time, and isn't really an ordeal.

BlastedIce · 10/08/2023 09:56

Fizbosshoes · 10/08/2023 09:49

I'm surprised people are thinking it would be different if they were toddlers. Why? If her DH is their dad why would it be unreasonable to have them for what likely will amount to a day (split in 2 halves) over a weekend?
Obviously toddlers and preschoolers are harder work and need more input than (presumably nt) 8 and 14 year olds but it's normal fir most parents to have time with their children alone for sone periods of time, and isn't really an ordeal.

Exactly and the reason it’s an ordeal now I’d because it wasn’t done when they were toddlers.

You reap what you sow.

exaltedwombat · 10/08/2023 18:24

Leave him. But make up on Monday! :-)

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/08/2023 18:27

exaltedwombat · 10/08/2023 18:24

Leave him. But make up on Monday! :-)

@exaltedwombat

not sure why she’d wanna make up with him…

bluebirdsongs · 10/08/2023 18:30

Your DH should take the advantage and spend some quality time with the kids without you.

When my DH goes away for the weekend I always do something different with the kids than to what we would do if he was here.

What do your weekends normally look like? Do you spend all weekend as a family of 4 or do you do all the work?

Whyohwhywyoming · 10/08/2023 18:34

I’d tell him to go fuck himself but I’m
on my third marriage so maybe don’t take my advice 🤣

DeeDoyle · 10/08/2023 18:43

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 17:08

My issue is that when she cries he says ‘mummy has decided she wants to go out, not stay here.’
And then he doesn’t do anything to distract her, he just lets her hang onto me and I have to peel
her off.
Drives me crazy.
I will try and be more assertive! Rather than ask, I will tell.

Sorry OP but thats verging on abusive, extremely controlling,manipulative behaviour. I would be worried about why your daughter doesnt want to stay with him also. And I would seriously be rethinking my marriage and I dont say that lightly.x

restingbitchface30 · 10/08/2023 18:49

I told my partner I was meeting with a friend next Sunday for a few hours. He immediately said ‘when can I get some free time to do something’. He was at comic con 2 weeks ago with his friends for 9 hours! I rarely go anywhere. No advice but I’m in the same boat and it pissed me off so much!

BlastedIce · 10/08/2023 18:52

restingbitchface30 · 10/08/2023 18:49

I told my partner I was meeting with a friend next Sunday for a few hours. He immediately said ‘when can I get some free time to do something’. He was at comic con 2 weeks ago with his friends for 9 hours! I rarely go anywhere. No advice but I’m in the same boat and it pissed me off so much!

So what did he say when you pointed that out?

UnderCarraigeWoes · 10/08/2023 18:58

Tell him that it'll be fucking hard for him having them alone all day every day alternate weekends when you leave his sorry arse.

boomtickhouse · 10/08/2023 19:19

4 hours each day? That's hardly anything! He could just put a film on if he can't be arsed to parent them.

If you think this is a big deal he has really done a good manipulation job.

No 8yo should be crying over mum going out for a few hours. You're not even missing bedtimes!

Is this the tip of a LTB ice berg?

boomtickhouse · 10/08/2023 19:20

HighHopesHeaped · 09/08/2023 17:49

Why is the child crying at the prospect of being left with this man?
Have you asked you child this important question one to one?

Yeh, this

Ellie56 · 10/08/2023 20:11

My issue is that when she cries he says ‘mummy has decided she wants to go out, not stay here.’

What a useless piece of shit he is. Tell him to grow up and stop being such a twat.

I am sure the 8 year old goes out with her friends. You need to remind her of this and then tell her you're doing exactly the same. Tell her what time you're going and what time you will be back. She'll survive.

MagicFarawayTea · 10/08/2023 20:18

Your DH is being incredibly selfish and you are compromising your enjoyment by rushing back in the evening/ late afternoon! Your children are old enough to be ok without you. You are allowed to be ’you’ as well as ‘mum’. Bit of a double standard going on here and you seem to be walking on eggshells to please him. He should be encouraging you to have fun. My DH has a weekend away to meet old university friends every year- and I encourage him. He does the same for me. It’s a little break from routine and we both come back happy.

Elle2018 · 10/08/2023 20:25

He sounds like an arsehole tbh

NoDought · 10/08/2023 20:34

Is he for real and what a hypocrite that he has had weekends away but you’re not allowed to have a weekend of plans?

Joeylove88 · 10/08/2023 20:40

My baby is 9 months old...my partner has told me to go have some fun with my friends and arrange a weekend away! There's a comparison for you!
Your H is incredibly selfish and should be encouraging you to go out have some well overdue fun with your friends! You deserve to have your own life independent of your H and DC.

Jeannie88 · 10/08/2023 21:09

Erm no, don't see a problem at all! I sometimes work long shifts over weekend and we both have a couple of weekends a year when we do our own things with friends away. We just expect to take the helm and suck it up, only fair and good to have independent breaks imo. Xxx

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