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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave the dc with DH both days this weekend?

312 replies

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 16:57

I’m feeling bad about it but I have had long standing plans at the theatre on Saturday with a friend and then Sunday it turns out a different friend is going to be visiting (lives about three hours away and not seen her for months!) as she is here next week for business and has asked if I fancy lunch and then a bit of shopping in a nearby city.

DH is not impressed. I can’t remember this every happening before - dc are 8 and 14 - DH is saying I need to decide what I want to do most because I can’t have both days.

Conversely he has had weekends away (not often but occasionally) since the dc were born and I’ve not ever had one! I won’t be away, just put Saturday afternoon and I suppose for several hours on Sunday but it will preclude me doing anything with him and dc.

AIBU to think it shouldn’t be that big a deal?

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 09/08/2023 17:06

He’s an idiot.

2thumbs · 09/08/2023 17:07

I was expecting the DC to be preschoolers, which even then should be perfectly manageable if not too frequent. At 8 and 14, your DH is pathetic

drpet49 · 09/08/2023 17:07

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2023 17:00

DH is not impressed. I can’t remember this every happening before - dc are 8 and 14 - DH is saying I need to decide what I want to do most because I can’t have both days.

Are you fucking kidding me? I wouldn't be married to this selfish, disrespectful, useless piece of shit.

This. I can’t believe he said that.

RosieCockle · 09/08/2023 17:07

He's being pathetic and hugely selfish. In no way is this a big deal.

Blancher · 09/08/2023 17:07

Not unreasonable at all. Does he do much solo parenting? Especially with your 8 year old crying when you leave her with him...

I'd be making a conscious effort to go out more so they can all get used to you not being there! Unless of course there are any concerns about his parenting, in which case you need to have a good think about things

Original poster
Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 17:08

My issue is that when she cries he says ‘mummy has decided she wants to go out, not stay here.’
And then he doesn’t do anything to distract her, he just lets her hang onto me and I have to peel
her off.
Drives me crazy.
I will try and be more assertive! Rather than ask, I will tell.

OP posts:
VisionsOfSplendour · 09/08/2023 17:08

He sounds pathetic and selfish and probably a bit of a crap dad, poor children.

Slouching · 09/08/2023 17:09

Oh wow what a horrible cretin saying that to your DD! If this is a pattern of behaviour from him then you've got yourself a very controlling, manipulative husband.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 09/08/2023 17:10

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 17:08

My issue is that when she cries he says ‘mummy has decided she wants to go out, not stay here.’
And then he doesn’t do anything to distract her, he just lets her hang onto me and I have to peel
her off.
Drives me crazy.
I will try and be more assertive! Rather than ask, I will tell.

Oh ffs! He's pathetic

VisionsOfSplendour · 09/08/2023 17:10

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 17:08

My issue is that when she cries he says ‘mummy has decided she wants to go out, not stay here.’
And then he doesn’t do anything to distract her, he just lets her hang onto me and I have to peel
her off.
Drives me crazy.
I will try and be more assertive! Rather than ask, I will tell.

Thats even worse, mayne explain to your child that mothers allowed out without their children and apologize for lumbering her with a dick of a dad

Seriously though that isn't a normal way to behave, are there any other red flags?

jeaux90 · 09/08/2023 17:11

That's horrible thing for your DH to say. It's good for children to see their parents have healthy friendships and that we also have lives outside being a parent. He should be helping you couch it in those terms to her not being a complete jerk.

AgathaMillersGoneMissing · 09/08/2023 17:12

Hmm this seems very controlling. You're not a slave to your DC or DH - the very fact you're asking this question is concerning.

Are you expecting some repercussions if you tell him you're going to be out - will be give you silent treatment, arrange his own time away in retaliation, expect you to make it up to him somehow?

If so, you need to look at whether you've slipped into a controlling relationship without realising. Your DH should be pleased you're getting a chance to catch up with an old friend (or certainly not begrudging it, in any case).

Blancher · 09/08/2023 17:13

Yeah, you need to sit him down and tell him that his attitude and language are out of order and will have a negative affect on your daughter. He could easily say "mummy needs some time with her friends, just like you do with x or y". It's emotionally damaging to you both to say it the way you've written it, in my opinion.

On the flip side, if he's never been challenged (obviously he shouldn't need to be) then maybe there is hope that he can change the way he's behaving

viques · 09/08/2023 17:15

TimeForTeaAndG · 09/08/2023 16:58

They are 8 and 14 so not like they'll actually need a ton of supervision. Tell DH to do one and go enjoy yourself.

8 and 14 eh? So they could clean their rooms, he could clean the rest of the house, they could all tidy the garden, put a couple of washes on, have a movie night with home made pizza, enjoy a good walk or bike ride together , and have a lovely home cooked meal waiting for you when you get home. Just tell your OH to woman up!

Have a great weekend OP.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 09/08/2023 17:16

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 17:08

My issue is that when she cries he says ‘mummy has decided she wants to go out, not stay here.’
And then he doesn’t do anything to distract her, he just lets her hang onto me and I have to peel
her off.
Drives me crazy.
I will try and be more assertive! Rather than ask, I will tell.

Right, so he's a manipulative d**k who is weaponizing his children to get at you.

Nice.

Original poster
Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 17:16

Lol at any of that happening viques I wish!

OP posts:
AgathaMillersGoneMissing · 09/08/2023 17:17

Just read your latest update about your 8 year old clinging to you.

So your DH is using his own child to guilt trip you? He doesn't distract her or tell her it's fine because he has something else exciting planned to do with her? What relationship does he have with her generally?

Both of you should ne taking a no nonsense approach at this age - children are capable of understanding that parents can go and see others without them.

And going out for two afternoons - it's not even full days! Sure if you were out every single weekend, all weekend, and leaving DC one parent consistently, that would not be good for anyone. An occasional afternoon, even two in a row, are perfectly fine.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2023 17:17

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 17:08

My issue is that when she cries he says ‘mummy has decided she wants to go out, not stay here.’
And then he doesn’t do anything to distract her, he just lets her hang onto me and I have to peel
her off.
Drives me crazy.
I will try and be more assertive! Rather than ask, I will tell.

This is called triangulation and is harmful to your child. He is actively using your child's distress to control you.

He's not a good man. And I really doubt this is the only way he shows it.

LightSpeeds · 09/08/2023 17:18

He's had 14 years to learn how to be a parent!! He can take a crash course this weekend.

He sounds like a useless moron.

itsmylife7 · 09/08/2023 17:21

I always think I've read the shitties thing on here about so called dad's.... then you post this.... I've no words, apart from what an arsehole he is .

MzHz · 09/08/2023 17:22

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 17:16

Lol at any of that happening viques I wish!

I know you think she’s joking, but actually you absolutely should tell him and the kids that you expect this while you’re out.

Go out both days and tell your h that if he undermines your life like this again, you’ll be making more arrangements so that everyone gets more used to you having a fucking life.

also if he doesn’t stop this shit, he’ll have time all to himself Every Other Weekend and One evening per week.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/08/2023 17:23

So make it a weekend away
Go to the theatre, then to your hotel for a nice sleep and a long bath and a fancy dinner, then see friend next day.

Sorted.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2023 17:23

I have a feeling that when you reach my age, a day will come when you'll look in the mirror and the realisation that you wasted your life, and damaged your kids, by staying with this shitbag of a man will hit you like a tonne of bricks. The regret you will feel will be overwhelming.

Wowsharona · 09/08/2023 17:24

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 09/08/2023 17:05

Really?? It's pretty normal in a lot of families between work and custody arrangements that an adult is alone with their kids all weekend.

Show quote history

If you can avoid it why would you want to saddle your partner with the kids for two days in a row?

Waifeandstray · 09/08/2023 17:24

What an utterly lazy git. I’ve got a 14 year old and occasionally asking for food they don’t need any supervision. The 8 year old will probably be a bit tearful but fine and actually it’ll be good for your husband to deal with it. Sulking is awful. So he’s stopping you doing a couple of things over 1 weekend. He’s awful. What’s he like generally?