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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave the dc with DH both days this weekend?

312 replies

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 16:57

I’m feeling bad about it but I have had long standing plans at the theatre on Saturday with a friend and then Sunday it turns out a different friend is going to be visiting (lives about three hours away and not seen her for months!) as she is here next week for business and has asked if I fancy lunch and then a bit of shopping in a nearby city.

DH is not impressed. I can’t remember this every happening before - dc are 8 and 14 - DH is saying I need to decide what I want to do most because I can’t have both days.

Conversely he has had weekends away (not often but occasionally) since the dc were born and I’ve not ever had one! I won’t be away, just put Saturday afternoon and I suppose for several hours on Sunday but it will preclude me doing anything with him and dc.

AIBU to think it shouldn’t be that big a deal?

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/08/2023 19:32

A NDN/friend had 2 boys under 10, 1 who was 4 and both boys were boisterous. Add in their sister who was 8/9 but ok. Their father used to complain sometimes if he was left to look after the DC alone but he went away a lot for work and his DW did start going away for weekends and out for nights out, drinks and cinema and days out. As she said they’re both entitled to child free time. And the father got used to caring for the kids and enjoyed it from time to time.

Shortandpale · 09/08/2023 19:34

He is being awful to your daughter, he should be helping her cope, and planning fun things they can do together rather than essentially telling her you don't love her enough. And he's trying to control you by making her more upset, he is a dick.

Scout2016 · 09/08/2023 19:36

You need to role model to your kids that you are more than just their mum. You are your own person with your own past, future, hobbies, thoughts and feelings, interests and friends - just as they are.

Your husband is being an absolute tool. You are entitled to your own life.
He should be able to look after his own kids. Ideally, he should want to spend time with them.
And it's healthy for you to spend some time apart from them and have time to yourself.

junebirthdaygirl · 09/08/2023 19:40

This would have been barely discussed in our house..same as dh going out. We would just plan it together to make sure someone was home. Dh wasn't great at cooking but having the 3 dc wasn't even a topic of conversation. Your dh is playing the martyr as he is too lazy to mind his own dc who hardly need minding anyway.
Just pick a sentence: l'm sure ye will all be fine .Keep saying that... No further discussion..just head out and enjoy yourself.

cigarettesNalcohol · 09/08/2023 19:40

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 17:02

we are both off Friday so we will do something then which will be ok.

Thanks - he’s having a massive sulk about it and I struggle to know if that’s fair or not because now I feel guilty. It’s not helped by my 8 year old crying if I go out and leave her with her dad.

Sulking at you for something like wanting time to yourself away from DH and the kids to see friends is controlling and is a form of emotional abuse OP.

You shouldn't be feeling guilty - you should be furious with DH for making you feel bad and sulking and making it all about him and furious for being a shit dad who doesn't want to be by himself with the kids ! He should be apologising and making changes to how he treats you... don't let him get away with this. Call him out.

Do you think your daughter cries when you leave because she sense her father can't be arsed with her when you're not here ?

arethereanyleftatall · 09/08/2023 19:41

A decent dad might be thinking 'great, a whole weekends chance to make up for the complete mess I've made of my relationship with my daughter'.
Is he not embarrassed his child doesn't like him?

notahappybunny7 · 09/08/2023 19:42

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 17:02

we are both off Friday so we will do something then which will be ok.

Thanks - he’s having a massive sulk about it and I struggle to know if that’s fair or not because now I feel guilty. It’s not helped by my 8 year old crying if I go out and leave her with her dad.

Oh dear that is very telling. I as a little kid also didn’t want my dad around. Think you’d be best getting rid of him, can’t be a happy family unit.

cigarettesNalcohol · 09/08/2023 19:43

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 17:08

My issue is that when she cries he says ‘mummy has decided she wants to go out, not stay here.’
And then he doesn’t do anything to distract her, he just lets her hang onto me and I have to peel
her off.
Drives me crazy.
I will try and be more assertive! Rather than ask, I will tell.

He is punishing you for having a social life. Is he a jealous type ?
This is coercive control op, this is serious!

notahappybunny7 · 09/08/2023 19:43

arethereanyleftatall · 09/08/2023 19:41

A decent dad might be thinking 'great, a whole weekends chance to make up for the complete mess I've made of my relationship with my daughter'.
Is he not embarrassed his child doesn't like him?

A decent dad wouldn’t have let it get to this point….

RandomMess · 09/08/2023 19:45

FFS sounds like he needs more practice!!

Next time he books a weekend away ensure you book one a couple of months later.

What if you end up ill in hospital or worse!? They are not difficult to care for at those ages.

SweetStrawberrie · 09/08/2023 19:45

OP his behaviour is manipulative and very concerning..

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/08/2023 19:46

'As you insist on winding DD up and upsetting her further each time I go somewhere without her, I've decided that just as you do, it would be easier to stay out the whole weekend, so I'll be off at lunchtime on Saturday and see you all again Sunday evening. Have a lovely weekend'.

What a twat.

If you need anything further a withering stare and 'What a shame you're such a useless father your daughter is in tears at the idea of spending any time with you....'

arethereanyleftatall · 09/08/2023 19:46

Indeed @notahappybunny7

Not a decent man at all.

I hope this thread makes the op realise she has some thinking to do.

In one situation we have...

  1. Coercive control
2, sulking to get own way
  1. Zero parenting
  2. Daughter hates him
  3. Uses daughter to manipulate and control op
Tired6789 · 09/08/2023 19:51

So he's decided he won't be going away for a weekend again too? Such a double standard. You're definitely not being unreasonable.

frazzledasarock · 09/08/2023 19:53

ex would use kids as a weapon if I dared go anywhere leaving him with them. For the entire time I was married to him I only left my dc with him once. And he called me incessantly telling me how upset they were how inconsolable they were how I was an awful mother for leaving them crying desperately for me whilst I went gallivanting.

My DH on the other hand has had our dc and my older dc whilst I’ve been off gallivanting on weekend breaks with friends when he’s had no time away himself ever. He’s positively encouraged it and when dc got upset he distracted her by doing activities she loves and branding the day daddy and dc day (to her delight).

your H OP is a shit dad and husband.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/08/2023 19:55

Your response should be :

"I'm not asking permission I can and I will"

HuwJanus · 09/08/2023 19:58

Would your DH consult his friends asking if he was being unreasonable by having plans that lasted both days of the weekend? I’m going to guess not, but only you know! If the answer is no, then crack on. He needs to be a parent and grow up!

MmmmSausageRolls · 09/08/2023 19:59

Well if your DH has had whole weekends away, then yes you can 'have both days'. If he's going to be an arse, I'd book a hotel/spa and bugger off for the whole weekend.

My kids are the same age and they're a piece of piss to look after. Honestly, at a minimum it's an adult in the house in case of an emergency (and in our case, required for the TV pin code!!).

If your 8yo is really that clingy and there's no developmental reason why, I'd be going out way more regularly to make it normal. Your DH should be supporting this for her own development as well as for you. Time for a weekly hobby.

pontipinemum · 09/08/2023 20:00

YANBU at all! He sounds like a prick. You aren't even out the whole day.

Is he always like that? I bet he will lord it over you that he 'baby sat' the kids alllll weekend.

Shopper727 · 09/08/2023 20:10

Jeez so what’s he doing all these weekend he is away? It’s not like they are toddlers I’m sure they can amuse themselves or he could actually do something with them. Sad man. My ex was great even with my 2 older boys and our own 2 kids I worked 12 hour shifts so he’d have them all that time no problem no calls etc and if I was ever out he’d encourage it and kids were fine because he equally parented them. They are v close now and we all still get on well despite being separated. Makes me sad you’re being made to feel you can’t leave your kids with their own dad, and he is making you feel bad about it too!.

Goldbar · 09/08/2023 20:12

You have bigger problems but my answer to this one would be to tell him "fuck you" and book a babysitter for the 8yo.

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 09/08/2023 20:13

This is so depressing. What does he say when you remind him about the weekends away he’s had? And that you’ve not had a weekend to yourself in 14 years?!

He sounds awful. Please go and enjoy yourself and please don’t prepare anything to make his life easier while you’re out. Your 8yo probably senses his reluctance/incompetence. Only one way for your H to learn! (Answer: more frequent outings)

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/08/2023 20:15

Blancher · 09/08/2023 17:13

Yeah, you need to sit him down and tell him that his attitude and language are out of order and will have a negative affect on your daughter. He could easily say "mummy needs some time with her friends, just like you do with x or y". It's emotionally damaging to you both to say it the way you've written it, in my opinion.

On the flip side, if he's never been challenged (obviously he shouldn't need to be) then maybe there is hope that he can change the way he's behaving

I’d precursor that statement with a ‘daddy is just being silly”.

My dd used to be like this she stopped when she was 8, maybe a bit before. Your dd will get there.

wendall456 · 09/08/2023 20:15

My DH never had the children when they were small. He has had them a handful of times as they have got older but he has never been happy. He admits to having found being a father really really hard - he couldn't cope with the demands of the kids when they were small and would often walk out when they were little rather than loose his shit. My worry was if I did leave them that he may have a meltdown and put them in danger. From when the youngest was 12 I have started leaving them as I know that they are perfectly capable of looking after themselves

Everyone always said LTB - but he admits to not being a good father but he did everything else and still does - cooking, cleaning, gardening, finances, booking appointments etc - most things that don't involve the children. I do the shopping and children related stuff. It works for us but I admit I didn't have a life for 12 years!!!! If I had my time again would I do anything differently probably not. We almost split up about 10 yrs ago over the lack of help but I knew that he would never be able to have the children on his own (ie weekends etc if we divorced) and he admitted he wouldn't be able to do it so the children would never see him and from a selfish point of view I would never have a break - because even though I never had a break from parenting I didn't have to worry about anything else. The house and garden were always immaculate, all finances were seen too, all washing and ironing was done and put away on the same day. (still is!!) The outcome of this though is my son has no relationship with him whatsoever as he feels his dad doesn't know him and has never tried- DD on the other hand has a great relationship with him. My house is still always immaculate and I don't lift a finger and now if I want a few drinks with a friend no problem but for 12 yrs this never happened.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/08/2023 20:15

Seriously, he is allowed entire weekends away but sulks like a baby because you have two consecutive afternoons out? I hope you have pointed out what a pathetic hypocrite he is