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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave the dc with DH both days this weekend?

312 replies

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 16:57

I’m feeling bad about it but I have had long standing plans at the theatre on Saturday with a friend and then Sunday it turns out a different friend is going to be visiting (lives about three hours away and not seen her for months!) as she is here next week for business and has asked if I fancy lunch and then a bit of shopping in a nearby city.

DH is not impressed. I can’t remember this every happening before - dc are 8 and 14 - DH is saying I need to decide what I want to do most because I can’t have both days.

Conversely he has had weekends away (not often but occasionally) since the dc were born and I’ve not ever had one! I won’t be away, just put Saturday afternoon and I suppose for several hours on Sunday but it will preclude me doing anything with him and dc.

AIBU to think it shouldn’t be that big a deal?

OP posts:
BMrs · 09/08/2023 17:48

Not a big deal. Tell him to get over it

diddl · 09/08/2023 17:48

Oh he's nasty isn't he?

What's he going to do if you do take the two days?

Is there any point to him?

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/08/2023 17:48

Of course it isn't unreasonable. It sounds like you need to be doing it more often, I can't believe your eldest is 14 and it will be the first time. DH should be encouraging you, not sulking.

I couldn't be married to someone like that.

HighHopesHeaped · 09/08/2023 17:49

Why is the child crying at the prospect of being left with this man?
Have you asked you child this important question one to one?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 09/08/2023 17:50

You actually need to go out more and leave DH or a babysitter to look after them.

Guilt tripping you about it too and telling your DD you going out is being selfish?! I think a weekend away with the girls is called for!

BibbleandSqwauk · 09/08/2023 17:50

@Wowsharona he's not "saddled with them", he's parenting for two afternoons, his own children, one of whom is unlikely to need more than making sure the WiFi is working. Jesus fucking Christ. Even if they were two under two, an occasional weekend "off" is perfectly reasonable for either parent. And before anyone swoops in with accusations of MN double standards, we are talking about two afternoons, for the first time in 14 years, not a regular weekly all day Sunday gig of cricket or cycling or similar which is what gets "called out" on here as taking the piss.
As for the comments to the 8 yo I agree that's appallingly manipulative. Can't imagine wanting to be affectionate with someone like that.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 09/08/2023 17:50

Wowsharona · 09/08/2023 17:24

If you can avoid it why would you want to saddle your partner with the kids for two days in a row?

Show quote history

Ah, we must have very different views on parenting solo. I'm happy out with mine, but am aware that different people have different challenges.

MiniCooperLover · 09/08/2023 17:51

Why is the 8 year old even being allowed the chance to hang off you? It's not her fault, but equally she can be distracted enough for that not to happen. Say goodbye, don't make a big deal of it, 'bye, see you later at dinner' or whatever and quick exit out the door. Stop pandering to both the husband and the 8 year old!

Ducksurprise · 09/08/2023 17:51

Wowsharona · 09/08/2023 17:24

If you can avoid it why would you want to saddle your partner with the kids for two days in a row?

Show quote history

'Saddle' we both like spending time with our children, no I don't see it as saddling Jo matter what age.

MiniCooperLover · 09/08/2023 17:51

And two days is not that big a deal, they aren't babies anymore, he just clearly doesn't want to parent. I'm going away for 4 nights soon, my DH said last night 'hmm I'd best make some plans for our 4 days', not to make me feel guilty but just because he knows he'll be the parent and so the onus is on him, not me. That's what parenting together is about.

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 17:52

My DH would have a meal waiting for me when I got home and he would love to have had a weekend with DS at those ages. He would have told me to have the whole weekend away

Ducksurprise · 09/08/2023 17:52

BibbleandSqwauk · 09/08/2023 17:50

@Wowsharona he's not "saddled with them", he's parenting for two afternoons, his own children, one of whom is unlikely to need more than making sure the WiFi is working. Jesus fucking Christ. Even if they were two under two, an occasional weekend "off" is perfectly reasonable for either parent. And before anyone swoops in with accusations of MN double standards, we are talking about two afternoons, for the first time in 14 years, not a regular weekly all day Sunday gig of cricket or cycling or similar which is what gets "called out" on here as taking the piss.
As for the comments to the 8 yo I agree that's appallingly manipulative. Can't imagine wanting to be affectionate with someone like that.

Cross posted.

Agree completely. Parents are more than child rearers.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/08/2023 17:54

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 09/08/2023 17:33

Not all Dads consider spending the day with kids as being “saddled” with them. Some even enjoy it!

Show quote history

@Wowsharona

what do you think Op should do then? Sack off the theatre and/ or mate who she hasn’t seen for ages?!

SleepingStandingUp · 09/08/2023 17:54

Sounds like leaving your daughter twice in one weekend will be really hard for her. You should only do it once. Don't come home Saturday.

mast0650 · 09/08/2023 17:55

Of course you're not being unreasonable! It's not as if you are out every weekend and they are not very young children.

He is being extremely unreasonable given that he has had whole weekends away in the past and you haven't.

Dillydollydingdong · 09/08/2023 17:57

So if the tables were turned, that would be ok? He'd go out for the whole weekend with no problem?

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/08/2023 17:57

SleepingStandingUp · 09/08/2023 17:54

Sounds like leaving your daughter twice in one weekend will be really hard for her. You should only do it once. Don't come home Saturday.

@SleepingStandingUp

thats a good idea OP! @Teenytinyduckling Book your self into a lovely hotel for the night

DelphiniumBlue · 09/08/2023 17:58

You'll be at home Friday evening, Saturday day, Sunday morning and Sunday evening.
I don't know what DH's problem is, if he wants to do family stuff with you, there's still a lot of time there to do it in.
And do remind him of the full weekends he had away. He doesn't even need to do anything much, the DC are old enough to to have a movie night in together and feed themselves, and he could take them out if it's really necessary on Sunday day.
He's being unreasonable.

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/08/2023 17:58

Dillydollydingdong · 09/08/2023 17:57

So if the tables were turned, that would be ok? He'd go out for the whole weekend with no problem?

@Dillydollydingdong

yep! So long as both parents can do it from time to time , what’s the problem?!

Spirallingdownwards · 09/08/2023 17:59

Laugh in his face!

If he tries the Mummy has decided she doesn't want to be here nonsense tell her you will be back and Daddy is perfectly capable of looking after you and if he thinks he isn't I am very disappointed in him.

FurbleSocks · 09/08/2023 17:59

You have a DH problem. No way should you have to choose.

Lookingatthesunset · 09/08/2023 17:59

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 17:02

we are both off Friday so we will do something then which will be ok.

Thanks - he’s having a massive sulk about it and I struggle to know if that’s fair or not because now I feel guilty. It’s not helped by my 8 year old crying if I go out and leave her with her dad.

Then it needs to happen more often as she's clearly not used to it.

To add to the chorus, your H is being a total dick!!

Merkins · 09/08/2023 18:00

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 17:04

It’s a Saturday matinee. We booked for afternoon because I thought it would be better for me to be home in the evening. So I’ll be out I guess from 1pm to about 5ish? It’s about a 45 minute drive to the theatre.
Then I’d like to leave to meet my friend about 12ish on Sunday and I guess I’ll be back around 5 again.

I used to be like this and I just didn’t go anywhere because the guilt was crushing. If I did, DP would say, “Mummy is leaving us”, or “She doesn’t love us anymore” as “a joke”. I eventually got sick of it, stopped asking and started telling. These days, I just give him the dates I’m away at the start of every month, though my youngest is 17 now and is normally away with me.

You are entitled to go out and have fun. Don’t be manipulated into thinking otherwise.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 09/08/2023 18:00

The more threads l read, the more l hate men!! I know, l know, not all men but ffs your dh is a dick op.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 09/08/2023 18:00

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 17:08

My issue is that when she cries he says ‘mummy has decided she wants to go out, not stay here.’
And then he doesn’t do anything to distract her, he just lets her hang onto me and I have to peel
her off.
Drives me crazy.
I will try and be more assertive! Rather than ask, I will tell.

You bloody have to go out and teach an 8 year old that she can mamange just fine without you. She is way to clingy for a normal 8 year old, and I would make that point to your husband. You’ve made a rod for your back there

Don’t discuss it with him anymore. Just say “yeah “ and change the subject Just calmly get ready, and state “I’m off out then as I told you”. You don’t need to prepare anything. Just go.

if the shot hits the fan after, just state you will continue to go out more and more often until he and your dc can cope without you as it’s part of your kids healthy development and good practice for an emergency. And then say , why do you think that they don’t get clingy when you go out- that’s because they’re used to it. and don’t ver agian emotionally blackmail me. Now that’s the end of the conversation

and walk off again. Don’t argue. Don’t debate.