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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave the dc with DH both days this weekend?

312 replies

Teenytinyduckling · 09/08/2023 16:57

I’m feeling bad about it but I have had long standing plans at the theatre on Saturday with a friend and then Sunday it turns out a different friend is going to be visiting (lives about three hours away and not seen her for months!) as she is here next week for business and has asked if I fancy lunch and then a bit of shopping in a nearby city.

DH is not impressed. I can’t remember this every happening before - dc are 8 and 14 - DH is saying I need to decide what I want to do most because I can’t have both days.

Conversely he has had weekends away (not often but occasionally) since the dc were born and I’ve not ever had one! I won’t be away, just put Saturday afternoon and I suppose for several hours on Sunday but it will preclude me doing anything with him and dc.

AIBU to think it shouldn’t be that big a deal?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 09/08/2023 18:18

I've read the thread now. It got worse.

Leave him.

Genuinely. This vile man is doing untold damage to your children.

I'm sure the responses on this thread has come as a bit of a shock to you, as anyone in a normal healthy relationship wouldn't have asked such a question, they'd have been out for weekends a dozen times by now. The poster who you thought was being funny, was right, a good bloke would do all those things. Yours isn't, and the sooner you can reduce the time your children spend with him, the better.

babbscrabbs · 09/08/2023 18:18

storypushers · 09/08/2023 18:14

I'm assuming he's not their dad?

Seeing as she mentions his weekends away since the DC were born, sadly I think this unlikely...

Nanny0gg · 09/08/2023 18:18

Wowsharona · 09/08/2023 17:24

If you can avoid it why would you want to saddle your partner with the kids for two days in a row?

Show quote history

Once in a blue moon?

And 'saddle'?

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2023 18:19

Merryoldgoat · 09/08/2023 18:06

I honestly find this mind blowing.

Exactly. I find it almost impossible to believe that some women actually agree to live this way.

porridgeisbae · 09/08/2023 18:21

No, if he's been away on weekends before that's absolutely fine. Well, it'd be fine anyway really. It's not like you do it every week.

fullbloom87 · 09/08/2023 18:22

Tell him you're going and he can go fuck himself.
Hope you have a lovely weekend.

Tinkerbyebye · 09/08/2023 18:22

Remind him if the weekends away, remind him he is a parent as well, the kids are just as much his responsibility as yours and how sad he doesn’t want to look after them

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 18:25

Conversely he has had weekends away (not often but occasionally) since the dc were born and I’ve not ever had one!

Have you asked him why the double standards and hypocrisy?

Netrinuel · 09/08/2023 18:27

I would explain to your 8 year old that she gets to be with her friends when she has play dates or attends parties and you are seeing your friends. Your "D"h is using her as a manipulation tool to stop you going. Don't be ridiculous, of course you still go. It is one weekend not a month in Australia.

And to get your 8 year old more used to this you need to arrange to see your friends more often.

JenWillsiam · 09/08/2023 18:28

“Babe. I’ve considered it. You’re right. Me going out twice isn’t fair. So I’ve booked a hotel and will be going just the once instead. Love ya”.

Merryoldgoat · 09/08/2023 18:28

@Aquamarine1029

I’m finding it more and more depressing here lately.

I just can’t imagine being upset being left of DH being upset with me.

Xmasbaby11 · 09/08/2023 18:30

YANBU - it's not a big deal. If I'm honest I try to space out seeing friends so it's not both weekend days BUT that's because I want to spend time with the DC, not because it's so awful for DH.

Heronwatcher · 09/08/2023 18:30

What a useless excuse for a father. Agree he’s being deliberately manipulative. It’s not even as though you’re away for the whole weekend- by the time my kids were that age I was going on 2/3 weekends away a year and also regularly Monday- Wednesday with work. TBH I think you need to do this much more often to get him used to the idea. Or suggest a trial separation in which case he’d have them Friday- Monday most weeks…

Fourfurrymonsters · 09/08/2023 18:36

Honestly gives me the rage that some women put up with this kind of shit. You’re your own worst enemy, OP. Why the actual fk have you not already brought up the fact to your dick of a husband that he has had whole weekends away before, and questioned why you’re apparently not allowed??
Seriously, this is terrible behaviour, both from your dickhead H and your 8-year-old, who is way too old to be snivelling and hanging off your skirt at the thought of you daring to actually go out and have fun on your own. I would not be entertaining that kind of nonsense.
I’d be reconsidering this relationship anyway, but in the meantime as a PP so beautifully put it, if it’s going to be too hard to leave the manbaby and your kids twice in one weekend, do it once and book a nice hotel. And I do mean this kindly, but fgs grow a spine while you’re there.

Xmasbaby11 · 09/08/2023 18:37

I do feel for you with the 8yo. I have a 9yo and she has been clingy with me - brought on by covid really - since then it has been hard to have days out with friends at the weekends. She doesn't even like me going on evenings out. She says she misses me and feels sad, feels she doesn't spend enough time with me even though it's more than it was pre covid.

It does feel hard, hard not to feel guilty but at the same time I know IANBU.

I still go out - on average the gym twice a week and a night or day out once a month. One weekend a year away with a friend. So not loads!

However:

  1. I am firm about going out, and I tell her it's important
  2. I give her advance notice so it's not a surprise
  3. DH supports this and does not guilt trip me
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/08/2023 18:38

BadgerFace · 09/08/2023 18:06

Not only is he being very unreasonable for what is effectively two afternoons out he is being an awful father to your DD if his sulks are weaponised to make her feel worse about you going out rather than help her be happy in your absence. What a dick. He is trying to make you feel bad about going out by using her attachment to you against you and her. No wonder she doesn’t want you to go out! That would really make me consider my options.

This.
He is doing permanent emotional damage to her. Counseling ASAP.

itsgettingweird · 09/08/2023 18:39

I think you need to do it more often so he doesn't sue thinking it's unfair and starts to see it as the norm!!!!

Thisistyresome · 09/08/2023 18:39

Unless he has a reason (like he has urgent commitments) you should be fine. If he hasn't communicated the issues then he needs to get over it.

itsgettingweird · 09/08/2023 18:40

That goes for your 8yo as old. They need to learn mummy has a life.

FlossOnTheMill · 09/08/2023 18:50

... my 8 year old crying if I go out and leave her with her dad.

Wow

And I agree with @MrsTerryPratchett :

He is actively using your child's distress to control you.

You need to wake up, @Teenytinyduckling . This is not about you having a few precious hours to do your own thing.

This is about a nasty, controlling man who doesn't care about his wife's well-being and, more importantly, is happy to use his children as pawns in a very abusive game where his selfish priorities top every other valid consideration.

What are your children learning as they witness all this? Do you really want them to grow up in this environment?

pinkyredrose · 09/08/2023 19:00

What did he say when you reminded him about his weekend's away and that you'd had the DC ?

Did he ask you if it was ok for him to go away or did he tell you?

Caterina99 · 09/08/2023 19:01

This is completely ridiculous OP. I thought you were going to say they are toddlers and you are out all day both days. Then I could (sort of) see why your DH wouldn’t be overly happy as such small children can be so much work. Even so I’d expect him to suck it up as if he gets weekends away then so should you.

But a 14 year old and an 8 year old being left with their dad for 2 afternoons shouldn’t even register. It’s not like they need active childcare.

I went out with my mum for shopping and lunch on Saturday with 30 min notice and I was gone for 3 hours. DH didn’t bat an eyelid and my kids are 8 and 5. In fact the only reason I had to get back was because DH is crazy busy at work and he needed to go in on Saturday afternoon. After he’d worked pretty much 12 hour days mon-fri. I think that seems normal amongst my friends with similar age kids.

pinkyredrose · 09/08/2023 19:02

JaninaDuszejko · 09/08/2023 17:05

Last weekend I worked all weekend so DH did everything (I was very apologetic!) and this weekend DH is taking our 3DC to stay with his Mum. So yes, I think your DH is being unreasonable, you are definitely allowed a busy weekend.

Why were you apologetic?

julesover40 · 09/08/2023 19:02

Lammveg · 09/08/2023 17:04

Sounds like you're about to have a lovely weekend away. Book a hotel on Saturday night 😊

This!! And do not be manipulated by your 8 year old. You deserve a weekend off x

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/08/2023 19:04

FlossOnTheMill · 09/08/2023 18:50

... my 8 year old crying if I go out and leave her with her dad.

Wow

And I agree with @MrsTerryPratchett :

He is actively using your child's distress to control you.

You need to wake up, @Teenytinyduckling . This is not about you having a few precious hours to do your own thing.

This is about a nasty, controlling man who doesn't care about his wife's well-being and, more importantly, is happy to use his children as pawns in a very abusive game where his selfish priorities top every other valid consideration.

What are your children learning as they witness all this? Do you really want them to grow up in this environment?

Very well said!

He's not a decent person. Sorry. 💐