Inheritance treated as a 'hand out'

[LittleMissUnreasonable]

I constantly see posts and hear comments about people inheriting money and it being treated like a massive privilege and an exciting thing. Almost said in jealousy sometimes. For example some of the things I've heard are;
" Well at least you'll benefit from the money"
"X is so lucky to have a head start"
"X didn't work hard, it was all inherited"
" They want do they found buying a house easy with the inheritance money"

I find all the disparaging comments about people inheriting money having it easy really disrespectful. I certainly remembered feeling disgusted when I was younger (and I lost someone very close) that people acted though I've been given a massive hand out in life. I'm pretty sure most people would want their mum/dad/partner back and don't give 2 hoots about the money.

My friend's very working class Dad in his 60s has just inherited half a million from his parents estate which significantly changes his life. He doesn't care. Just wants his parents back

The anecdote about my friend's dad (although he lost his parents when they were elderly) was more to pinpoint that even a life-changing amount of money hasn't made him feel lucky or privileged in any way.

My friend lost her husband quite suddenly, 6 months from diagnosis to funeral.

he had always worked hard, and struggled to spend money on himself.

he left my friend a multi millionaire. She is obviously grief stricken, but acknowledges that the fact her and her children are set for life is a massive boon to her. She doesn’t have to worry about working.

would she prefer to have her husband back? Of course ! But knowing there is enough money for her family has made a big difference. Is she ‘lucky’? Well yes, he could have left nothing…….

The truth is, if you aren’t emotionally involved then someone inheriting hundreds, thousands of pounds does look to the outsider like a bit of a lottery win. But of course it isn’t, and it’s very insensitive to voice those thoughts, even if you secretly have them.

It is a handout. It is free money. I completely understand it was unwanted and that the person would want their loved one back above anything else. However it is free money, that that person hasn't worked for, falling into their lap.

My personal bugbear is those who have inherited or benefitted from a massive leg up from family wealth disparaging UC climants as "getting free money". It's very rare that a recipient of UC has never paid anything in to the system, ever. They are generally working people that pay in also. My boss said to me the other week she wished she had "my luck" in being topped up £150 pm Universal Credit. I was polite enough not to mention the multi million pound business that has just fallen into her lap. I would happily swap her luck for mine.

I don't think it's so much about the inheritance, it's about the stage of life that the persons you love died, and the age you inherited. I inherited very young - as a young adult. Yes, I benefitted from lump sums, pensions, part of a house, life assurance etc. But, my parents never saw me grow up properly, wouldn't see me get married or have children, or give me away, or get a good job, or any of life's achievements. When they died I was a supermarket worker (which helped me care for them). I lost them early, and grieve for what they and I missed out on. They've left me in a good position I guess, but I would give it all back tomorrow if it meant having them back.

Of course, the vast majority of people would want their dead family member back rather than have the money...but that's not an option. People who inherit are fortunate - not the the person has died (that would've happened anyway) but that there was money to inherit.

My mum died when I was four. The consequences were far reaching. I didn't inherit any money directly (and if I had that would've made things much easier for me). I did inherit twice though many years later, when I was in my early twenties, as a result (about £15K both times, and at those time it did make a big difference to me - it was a windfall). I would definitely have been better off financially and in every way possible if she had still been alive though but OMG I felt so lucky to have this money.

My dad died when I was in my forties. I inherited about £7K, which I was lucky to have but it made no real difference to my life at all (I was financially comfortable by this point). He would have been dead if I had inherited £0, £700, £7K, £70K, £700K or £7M. It is a massive privilege to inherit money. It is also something I would never discuss or comment upon with anyone in RL.

Of course most people would rather have their relative back, but there’s no denying inheritance is a privilege. Doesn’t make the loss any easier though.

And objectively it absolutely is free money. Emotional issues have nothing to do with the raw bare facts that you've just been given a load of money that you personally did not earn.

Lots of people have loved ones die and are left with nothing, so in that sense you are lucky. My grandparents died and I was left nothing, a friend of mine’s died and she got left 70k which paid for her wedding and a nice deposit on her first house, I have a friend whose parents died when she was in her early 30s and she didn’t even have enough left to pay for their funerals.

Some people have family money passed down through the generations that means they do not need to work. The Duke of Westminster received £9b (no inheritance tax was paid) in his 20's. He clearly is going not going to struggle for a deposit on a flat Inheritance tax: why the new Duke of Westminster will not pay billions | Inheritance tax | The Guardian

But you can be both can’t you? Very sad you’ve lost a beloved relative. Happy that the money they’ve left you could change your life. Why can’t you be both?

I don't think anyone does think they would rather have the money, but nobody lives forever.

Also some people inherit from aunt/ uncles/ grandparents they might not be close to. Inheriting from a 90 year old grandparent who lives in a different part of the country when you're middle ages, isn't the same as inheriting from two parents dying when your a child, and for most people its the former scenario.

My dad died a year ago and left me a large amount of money - enough for us to buy a significantly bigger house, and, due to the nature of his death (industrial disease), there will be another large amount once the civil case is settled. I was only thinking this morning that I would trade it all just to have one more hug, one more chat, one more coffee with him. No amount of money can ever compensate for nursing him in his final weeks/days and watching him die. It absolutely wrecked me and I'll never get over it.

You’re missing the point. That loss / grief exists regardless. What’s worse? Losing parents or losing parents and getting 1/2 million.

So someone in their 20s being orphaned but "it's okay as they have money now"

That's the bit that annoys me. It's almost like you lose the sympathy because you've had an inheritance. Saying that it's "worse" somehow because you've not had an inheritance is horrible to those who have. Would you say it about someone who lost a husband who had a large life insurance? Yeah she's widowed at 30 with 2 kids BUT she's got money now. Yes it might make life a bit easier, but the grief is the same. And hearing that BUT when it's about you will feel horrible. It's like you don't deserve sympathy for your grief over something that you have no control of.
Would someone like it if I said "well it's sad your parents died BUT at least you have your husband/kids. Some people lose their parents and don't have a partner/kids to help." It doesn't really make you feel better no matter what the BUT is.

My mum died when she was 46 and it had far reaching financial consequences for us as a family - bad ones.

So you know, I ended up without a mum or money.

He was given a life changing amount of money and he doesn’t feel privileged?

Yes is grief is the same and everyone’s who suffers loss, but not recognising his privilege or luck in the fact this death left him with a lot of money is a bit daft.

The two things are separate.

He has grief to content with, but he’s not also worrying about how to put food on the table, how he’s going to pay for the funeral, how he’s going to afford childcare now etc.

Surely if her husband had lived she still would have had that money available? Unless he was an arsehole and was hiding it from her? Or was it a huge life insurance? Because if it was his own money then surely if he'd have lived not only would she and her children should have been set for life anyway if he was a decent man but she would have had her husband enjoying life with her as well.

What I think is skewiff is where people with no assets/low income are driven to hate those with some assets/decent income, whilst being led and exploited by those with enormous assets/insane income.

My birth family has enough assets so that the next generation can each buy a house, live comfortably and healthily without debt, and pass those assets on so that the next generation can buy a house, live comfortably and healthily without debt. All whilst still needing to work, getting a good education, and generally contributing to society. I don't think that that should be seen as problematic generational wealth, and I don't think that that is the cause of families who can't do that. Taking my family's (already taxed) assets doesn't remove any state dependents. We don't possess an unreasonable amount of wealth. Every family should be able to do what we do.

But big corporations, untaxed billionaires, slum housing providers, mass asset owners - they consume an unholy share of resources that they simply do not need.

And it's awfully convenient to point fingers at those who have enough, and get mad, leaving the polluting exploitative bastards who're really pulling the strings untouched.

If your friend is 60 and just lost his parents and now inherited half a million, then I would say he is fairly privileged and yes a bit lucky. A. To have got to his 60s and still had his parents around and B. To now be very financially well off. That’s kind of a fact. I highly doubt anyone would say or think the same if someone lost their parent in their 20s.

I'm lucky my parents are only 20 years older than me. I'll be perfectly happy if they outlive me and I never see any inheritance.

Well, thats the point.
If comments about handouts and "privilege" weren't weaponised, nobody would bother making them.

I don't think anyone would argue that a 20 year old is better off with parents than an inheritance. But somebody's elderly parents? Yes, it's sad. But they benefit from the inheritance and the loss is an inevitable sorrow for everyone. Somebody's inheritance being eked out in fake 'gifts' while they are still alive to avoid inheritance tax? Yes, a handout. Someone educated at the expense of and living off a trust fund their great great great great grandfather set up with vast wealth accumulated by enslaving people for money? A handout, yes.

The “no loss and no inheritance” argument doesn’t work because that person is dead. They aren’t going to stop being dead. The worst has already happened and you can’t undo that. Life would be better for most people if their relative/partner was still alive but that isn’t possible. So the best case scenario is they get an inheritance that will significantly help their life.

Yabvvu. It is a massive privilege (I say this as someone who lost a parent fairly young). Some people lose parents and get left with fuck all or debts.

However I'd be very mindful of the bereavement and not say that out loud to someone.