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Original poster

Granparent overreacting?

305 replies

Cantsleep23 · 08/08/2023 22:43

Me and my partner had a baby only 4 months ago and we both said we wouldn't be allowing her to be away from us until we feel ready ourselves, she's my partners first child. My partners stepmum, who he classes as his mum has asked if she can take our daughter out for a few hours to spend some time with her. We have said we are happy for her to come and visit her at our home or we would meet her for tea but would rather she didn't take her out without us until she's older (around the time she wanted to pick her up she would be due a bottle and a sleep) we've tried to be polite and tell her were not ready for her to be away from us yet but she's taken it the totally wrong way and has said "oh so we can only have supervised visits" and "she's our bloody granddaughter" and just not taking our feelings into consideration.
My partner works away Alot so hasn't managed to get the bond with her that he wants so he's wanting to spend as much time with her as he can before he has to work away again and I work part time so I've obviously got the bond with her
Are we being unreasonable with the grandparents for telling them they can spend the time with her while she's with us? They have 3 other grandchildren who they are "popping round to see" so why do they only want to take our baby out for a few hours? We are feeling really under pressure to have to say yes to them and let them take her but we don't want to

OP posts:
Samlewis96 · 11/08/2023 16:34

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 11/08/2023 12:22

Very, very few people are putting their four month old baby in nursery.

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Quite a modern thing really When I had DD1 there was only 16 weeks maternity leave and yes the nurseries did take babies from 12 weeks plus.

Samlewis96 · 11/08/2023 16:41

phoenixrosehere · 11/08/2023 16:31

Teenager is a sibling whom lives there, knows the baby’s routine and are doing the bedtime routine.

SMIL doesn’t live there and wanting to take baby alone outside of the home away from its parents.

Quite a difference imo.

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Not really The point stated said that she ( mother) DIDNT want to be away from the baby. However if she's working/ socializing/ at an appt whatever then she still us away from the baby no matter who is caring for it

billy1966 · 11/08/2023 16:46

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 11/08/2023 11:31

It doesn't matter a jot what anyone else would do, has done or thinks you should do, OP. You and your partner have decided that you aren't comfortable with this. That's all that matters. Her reaction to being told "No" would make me very wary of agreeing in the future.

This.

Her not seeing another grandchild for two years having previously being told No is a huge red flag for me.

I do not understand people assuming you want a break from a tiny baby.

I never wanted anyone caring for my young babies bar my husband.

It's only on MN that I come across these grandparents insisting on this.

Very strange IMO.

Tlolljs · 11/08/2023 16:50

Some of us didn’t get a year maternity leave. Sixteen weeks if you were lucky. My mil and my dm were life savers.
I was only too grateful for a extra pair of hands.

monsteramunch · 11/08/2023 16:54

Tlolljs · 11/08/2023 16:50

Some of us didn’t get a year maternity leave. Sixteen weeks if you were lucky. My mil and my dm were life savers.
I was only too grateful for a extra pair of hands.

But if you hadn't needed that and hadn't been happy for someone to have your baby for an hour or so, away from you and out of their routine, and they had said "oh so we can only have supervised visits" and "she's our bloody granddaughter" you'd presumably agree with the majority of posters on here that they were being unreasonable and completely overstepping?

phoenixrosehere · 11/08/2023 16:54

Samlewis96 · 11/08/2023 16:41

Not really The point stated said that she ( mother) DIDNT want to be away from the baby. However if she's working/ socializing/ at an appt whatever then she still us away from the baby no matter who is caring for it

Show quote history

Those are still different things and doesn’t change the fact that she doesn’t want to be away from her baby. Work and appts (depending on the type and where) are not places one can take their babies along and and where does it say OP socialises without her baby with her?

Point still stands that SMIL is being ridiculous and she’s going to end up in another LC/NC situation if she continues her behaviour.

Iwasafool · 11/08/2023 17:03

phoenixrosehere · 11/08/2023 16:54

Those are still different things and doesn’t change the fact that she doesn’t want to be away from her baby. Work and appts (depending on the type and where) are not places one can take their babies along and and where does it say OP socialises without her baby with her?

Point still stands that SMIL is being ridiculous and she’s going to end up in another LC/NC situation if she continues her behaviour.

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I agree they are different and the OP and her husband can decide on that. The thing that it might do it confuse the SMIL as OP saying you can't have baby because I don't want to be away from her is a mixed message with she is happy to leave baby when she is working. Might be clearer to say I want to be with her as much as possible but I need to work.

Ivymom · 11/08/2023 17:06

If it was about spending time with the baby, MIL would volunteer to go to OP’s home, learn baby’s routine and offer childcare in OP’s home, following that routine, on nights when both OP and DH are away or working. Babies are people with their own sets of likes, dislikes and needs. Loving adults want what’s best for babies and adjust their own wants for the baby’s best interests. Babies are not dolls for selfish adults to play mummy with or use for their own entertainment.

One of the biggest disagreements my mom and I had after the birth of my first child was related to her attitude that babies had to fit in with the adults’ schedules and lifestyles rather than the parents/adults compromising and adjusting their lifestyle to what baby needs. She believed that even newborns should be left to cry it out so they could learn to ajust to their caregivers’ schedule. She had to learn that we parented in a more baby centric way and she had to follow that before she could be trusted to care for our babies.

OP, your DH needs to have a conversation with MIL. He needs to tell her that if she wants alone time with baby, then she needs to learn baby’s routine and schedule and then you can set up for her to be childcare in your home. When baby gets older and the routine less stringent, then time with baby outside of your home would be appropriate. This isn’t about MIL. It’s about what is best for baby and loving adults should jump at the chance to be involved in that.

Babyghirl · 11/08/2023 17:10

I would let my side of the family take my LG, intact my sis and mum have had her twice for me, but they go with how I do things, she's 8m.

I on the other hand would not allow her dad's side to have her, she is cmpa and they fed her yogurt, his sis tends to try and fed her sweets every time I walk in whice I am against, so they don't respect my boundaries so its a flat no x

Fran2023 · 11/08/2023 17:17

I’m a new grandparent and my rule is that it everything is up to the parents. And at this age (17 weeks) I would never expect to take them out without the parents.

Tlolljs · 11/08/2023 17:22

Wasn’t a case if liking it. Needed to work. Can’t imagine either grandma throwing a hissy fit tbf
if I’d had of said no. But surely letting her take her out for a couple of hours won’t hurt.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 11/08/2023 17:27

Another thing is if you regularly let grandparents look after the little one if there is ever an emergency it's good to know the baby will settle with them, rather than crying and being upset because they've never been left.

Bertiesmum3 · 11/08/2023 17:34

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 10/08/2023 09:40

I think you are overreacting tbh. It takes a village. The tables will turn one day when you need her. It's really not a big deal. why do people always trot out this one.

I can see the point if you never allow the grandparents to even see the child, I know someone whose DD recently had a baby and they refused o let anyone see the baby for two weeks, didn’t even tell anyone the name, and were then upset when the grandparents weren’t able to come round the instant they were given permission to because they had other plans. Now that is IMO unreasonable.

But the OP has essentially said that she doesn’t want the ILs taking the baby out as her dad is home and wants some time with her but they’re welcome to come round. There’s nothing wrong with that.

And while there’s nothing wrong with the grandparents wanting to look after the baby or take him/her out in the pram for a walk, it’s not a right, and certainly no grandparent should be assuming they’ll be having the baby for overnights for several years. In fact it mystifies me as to why anyone would want a newborn that isn’t theirs to stay overnight. Just why?

Maybe grandparents want to build a bond with the grandchild!
ive had all my grandchildren stay over with me from a very early age, nothing weird about it at all!!

NarcNarc · 11/08/2023 17:36

I’m a recent grandmother (5 month old baby) and I’ve not “demanded” anything from my daughter. I’m always happy to help out with baby when she wants me to though. She’s happy to leave me alone with him if she needs to do something and DH and I have taken him for walks both with and without his parents so they can have an hour or two’s rest. He’s EBF and needs his Mummy, not his grandmother!

I really can’t imagine wanting to pretend he’s my child though 😮 Or to insist on having him in my room overnight (we share a house). I’ve raised my children and I’d rather not have to do it all over again at my age, thank you 😊 I do love him utterly though 🤗🤗🤗🤗

sheworemellowyellow · 11/08/2023 18:44

Obviously the specific time and date was because she was meeting someone she wanted to show her newest grandchild off to. And, had probably arranged to meet with this person on that basis (perhaps someone she wanted to impress / how off to / one-up). Hence why she’s so sore about being told no. Makes her look bad and not the matriarch she’s probably painted herself as.

It’s not about the baby for her, it’s about her.

My MIL overstepped boundaries in ways that would make many hardened MNers shudder. Time has passed now and honestly - the babies would have been fine, whether or not she’d had her way. It just doesn’t feel that way at the time! It’s the age-old issue of women marrying into a family not being real family, just the sons and their progeny. The DIL is just there as a practical convenience (rude awakenings ensue!)

7eleven · 11/08/2023 19:12

Your baby. Your rules.

MeridianB · 11/08/2023 19:15

Obviously the specific time and date was because she was meeting someone she wanted to show her newest grandchild off to. And, had probably arranged to meet with this person on that basis (perhaps someone she wanted to impress / how off to / one-up). Hence why she’s so sore about being told no. Makes her look bad and not the matriarch she’s probably painted herself as.

Ooh! Good call!

RowRowRowan · 11/08/2023 19:19

I don't think it's weird for grandparents to offer to watch their grandchild for a few hours to help out, but her reaction to been told no is a little extreme

Gagaandgag · 11/08/2023 19:46

Failingatthemoment · 08/08/2023 22:48

I will say this only once

SHE'S YOUR CHILD - YOU GET TO MAKE THE RULES.

And breathe............

I’ll say it again!!!

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 11/08/2023 20:10

Ariela · 11/08/2023 16:06

Your rules...but I don't get why you wouldn't just hand over baby for an hour or two and go for a nice, relaxing bath. Or read a book, or even just enjoy feet up and a cup of tea & biscuits in peace. In fact why not all three?

Because I don’t want to? I love my baby and want to be with her all the time. It would physically hurt to be away from her (and she’s not my first).

Mumof2teens79 · 11/08/2023 20:13

Cantsleep23 · 08/08/2023 22:43

Me and my partner had a baby only 4 months ago and we both said we wouldn't be allowing her to be away from us until we feel ready ourselves, she's my partners first child. My partners stepmum, who he classes as his mum has asked if she can take our daughter out for a few hours to spend some time with her. We have said we are happy for her to come and visit her at our home or we would meet her for tea but would rather she didn't take her out without us until she's older (around the time she wanted to pick her up she would be due a bottle and a sleep) we've tried to be polite and tell her were not ready for her to be away from us yet but she's taken it the totally wrong way and has said "oh so we can only have supervised visits" and "she's our bloody granddaughter" and just not taking our feelings into consideration.
My partner works away Alot so hasn't managed to get the bond with her that he wants so he's wanting to spend as much time with her as he can before he has to work away again and I work part time so I've obviously got the bond with her
Are we being unreasonable with the grandparents for telling them they can spend the time with her while she's with us? They have 3 other grandchildren who they are "popping round to see" so why do they only want to take our baby out for a few hours? We are feeling really under pressure to have to say yes to them and let them take her but we don't want to

I think you should have people you trust to look after her when you can't. That's normal. But they should be people who are close to you and spend time with you all first.
I don't get the "need to bond" it's just a few hours.

But no I have never understood anyone's need to look after a baby or any grandchild without the parents present.
It's something that you do as a necessity cos parents are busy, not to satisfy your own needs....whatever they may be.

My own parents and my inlaws love having the kids but OH and I are never excluded.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 11/08/2023 20:14

Samlewis96 · 11/08/2023 16:34

Quite a modern thing really When I had DD1 there was only 16 weeks maternity leave and yes the nurseries did take babies from 12 weeks plus.

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Now we have a year’s maternity leave it is very rare to see a baby under 9 months old in nursery.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 11/08/2023 20:16

Tlolljs · 11/08/2023 17:22

Wasn’t a case if liking it. Needed to work. Can’t imagine either grandma throwing a hissy fit tbf
if I’d had of said no. But surely letting her take her out for a couple of hours won’t hurt.

It would hurt. It would hurt me because I don’t want to be away from my baby, and it would hurt my baby because they only want to be with their primary caregiver.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 11/08/2023 20:17

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 11/08/2023 17:27

Another thing is if you regularly let grandparents look after the little one if there is ever an emergency it's good to know the baby will settle with them, rather than crying and being upset because they've never been left.

My eldest has only ever stayed away overnight 3 times, all emergencies. Never had any trouble settling because, shock horror, she’s managed to build a good relationship despite me always being there!

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 11/08/2023 20:18

Bertiesmum3 · 11/08/2023 17:34

Maybe grandparents want to build a bond with the grandchild!
ive had all my grandchildren stay over with me from a very early age, nothing weird about it at all!!

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You don’t need baby to stay overnight to build a bond.