Page 11 | Granparent overreacting?

Cantsleep23 · 2023-08-08T21:43:22+00:00

Me and my partner had a baby only 4 months ago and we both said we wouldn't be allowing her to be away from us until we feel ready ourselves, she's my partners first child. My partners stepmum, who he classes as his mum has asked if she can take our daughter out for a few hours to spend some time with her. We have said we are happy for her to come and visit her at our home or we would meet her for tea but would rather she didn't take her out without us until she's older (around the time she wanted to pick her up she would be due a bottle and a sleep) we've tried to be polite and tell her were not ready for her to be away from us yet but she's taken it the totally wrong way and has said "oh so we can only have supervised visits" and "she's our bloody granddaughter" and just not taking our feelings into consideration. My partner works away Alot so hasn't managed to get the bond with her that he wants so he's wanting to spend as much time with her as he can before he has to work away again and I work part time so I've obviously got the bond with her Are we being unreasonable with the grandparents for telling them they can spend the time with her while she's with us? They have 3 other grandchildren who they are "popping round to see" so why do they only want to take our baby out for a few hours? We are feeling really under pressure to have to say yes to them and let them take her but we don't want to

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 12/08/2023 12:26

Mothership4two · 12/08/2023 12:05

And they congratulate you @DaisyAndDonaldDuck?

When my two were toddlers they had curly hair, one white blonde and one golden, and women would often stop and comment and chat, but cannot remember any strangers ever stopping to talk about them when they were babies.

Yeah, happens a lot. It is mostly elderly people though.

elenacampana · 12/08/2023 12:34

Elaina87 · 11/08/2023 22:14

YANBU. 4 months is very young so it's perfectly natural to want her with you. Tell her you're not ready yet to have anyone other than the 2 of you look after, and yes sorry than includes the "bloody grandparents". As you say, more than welcome to come and see her if you want to, that should be enough.

This is nonsense though. The OP has already said people other than the two of them look after the baby and it happens a couple of times a week late into the evening. All that at the start about ‘we aren’t comfortable with anyone but us two’ was a fairy story.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 12/08/2023 12:36

elenacampana · 12/08/2023 12:34

This is nonsense though. The OP has already said people other than the two of them look after the baby and it happens a couple of times a week late into the evening. All that at the start about ‘we aren’t comfortable with anyone but us two’ was a fairy story.

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So? It’s their baby, it’s up to them who they are comfortable leaving her with.

elenacampana · 12/08/2023 12:42

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 12/08/2023 12:36

So? It’s their baby, it’s up to them who they are comfortable leaving her with.

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Course they can, but the story changed from ‘the two of us’, is my point. Have a little read of what I responded to and said before you come back stating the obvious.

TrustyRusty68 · 12/08/2023 15:25

So she’s asked you both, you’ve both said no & she thinks having a tantrum will change your kind? No you’re not being unreasonable- it’s totally up to you as to when you feel comfortable for your baby to go out without you. Stand your ground & don’t be bullied into anything that makes you feel uncomfortable:-)

mollyminniemo · 12/08/2023 17:18

I think you are being a tad precious and ott yes. I’m sure further down the line you’d be very keen for her to babysit to help you both go out/ work etc? She just wants to spend some time 1-1 with your daughter what’s the big deal? 4 months is now quite far down the baby line! Why not ask her to come over at the end of babies nap time, get her up / changed fed or opposite - at tail end of being awake an hour before she goes down/ then stay for an hour while she naps and you guys go out for lunch or to the cinema? The longer you leave it it’s harder for you and baby to get used to not being together 24/7 as well as baby not used to other people.

monsteramunch · 12/08/2023 17:21

mollyminniemo · 12/08/2023 17:18

I think you are being a tad precious and ott yes. I’m sure further down the line you’d be very keen for her to babysit to help you both go out/ work etc? She just wants to spend some time 1-1 with your daughter what’s the big deal? 4 months is now quite far down the baby line! Why not ask her to come over at the end of babies nap time, get her up / changed fed or opposite - at tail end of being awake an hour before she goes down/ then stay for an hour while she naps and you guys go out for lunch or to the cinema? The longer you leave it it’s harder for you and baby to get used to not being together 24/7 as well as baby not used to other people.

The big deal is that she isn't willing to do anything other than have the baby on demand, at the time and place of her choosing, despite the wishes of the parents and the needs of the baby. OP explains this very clearly:

Mil wanted her at a set time on a set day, no compromise, literally her way or no way. We never physically said the word NO to her but gave her the option to come round or even meet us for some food. she lives a good 10 miles away and involves one of us doing a short motorway journey which I was happy to do but it weren't good enough.

Mothership4two · 12/08/2023 17:24

Why not ask her to come over at the end of babies nap time, get her up / changed fed or opposite - at tail end of being awake an hour before she goes down/ then stay for an hour while she naps and you guys go out for lunch or to the cinema?

Because OP has said Mil wanted her at a set time on a set day, no compromise @mollyminniemo

mollyminniemo · 12/08/2023 17:25

Ok that definitely changes things monsteramunch

Mothership4two · 12/08/2023 17:25

You got there before me @monsteramunch and said it much more eloquently!

ButterCrackers · 12/08/2023 17:30

You’ve set the boundaries for visits and put your dp’s needs first. She can visit at home until you and your dp consider your child ready to go out with your dp’s sm or any family or friend. If she complains then too bad. It’s her problem. Tell her to not complain to you and dp as you have no time to waste.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 12/08/2023 17:49

The longer you leave it it’s harder for you and baby to get used to not being together 24/7 as well as baby not used to other people.

@mollyminniemo Well that’s just not true. People love to trot this bollocks out.

My nearly 3 year old toddler has only ever been away from me 3 times for emergencies and has never had an issue with it.

Research has shown that children who are securely attached to their primary caregivers are more confident and independant than those who aren’t.

billy1966 · 13/08/2023 08:31

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 12/08/2023 17:49

The longer you leave it it’s harder for you and baby to get used to not being together 24/7 as well as baby not used to other people.

@mollyminniemo Well that’s just not true. People love to trot this bollocks out.

My nearly 3 year old toddler has only ever been away from me 3 times for emergencies and has never had an issue with it.

Research has shown that children who are securely attached to their primary caregivers are more confident and independant than those who aren’t.

Completely agree.

The baby is 4 months old and doesn't need ANYONE bar his parents.

She clearly wanted a dolly for a playdate and the OP rightly wasn't entertaining it.

Given her past behaviour with others when told No, I would not be reaching out nor trying to smooth things over.

Let her stew and enjoy the peace.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 13/08/2023 11:15

I was on the fence in the beginning, but her reaction to being told no by her other grandchild’s parents has me firmly in the YANBU camp. She sounds hard work tbh. Stick to your guns.

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 13/08/2023 14:23

People seem to have missed the part in the post where the OP stated that for the MIL to see the baby would involve the OP or her DP having to drive thereto either pick her up or drop her off. So this implies that the mil doesn’t drive.

So not only is she making demands that she needs to see the baby at a certain time in a certain place, but she expects the baby’s parents to facilitate this by driving there to drop off the baby, and presumably to pick her up again, presumably at the time of the mil’s choosing.

And this i a woman who, when told no by a different sibling, stopped speaking to them for two years. That alone would make me say no.

As for needing to be alone with the grandchild to build a bond, what a load of bollocks. I never left my DS with my MIL because she didn’t live locally and wasn’t intrusive anyway. My DC grew up having a perfectly lovely bond with the GP’s. Similarly my ex’s DC only ever saw the IL’s maybe every three/four months due to distance, and in lockdown they didn’t see them for a year and the youngest was only three. And they have a perfectly lovely bond.

I’m afraid that if she’d thrown a hissy fit like that and started saying things like “she’s our bloody grandchild,” I would have responded “actually, she’s not.” Because actually, she isn’t this child’s grandmother, she’s only a stepparent. And while that shouldn’t have to count for anything, if she made those kinds of demands and acted in the way she did it bloody would.

FictionalCharacter · 13/08/2023 14:37

Marinettethebug · 09/08/2023 04:37

I do not understand this need to see a 4 month old baby without the parents around! It is not in the baby's best interest. And it would make me wonder her reasoning. Does she want to do something you would likely say no to? Pierce ears? First haircut? Feed her something in particular? Pretend it's her baby?

You set the rules, you decide what you feel comfortable with any anyone who gives you grief goes on your "not to be trusted" list.

I always think this when I see MN posts about GPs and other relatives wanting “alone time” with a young baby. Some of them are really insistent and aggressive about it. I’d never heard of this before MN.

Some posts in the past have shown the GPs real motives - they want to stop the mother breastfeeding by giving bottles, or they “don’t believe in allergies” so they want to feed the baby milk products to prove they’re right, or they want to leave the baby to cry for hours to “sleep train” them. There have been many threads about GPs feeding inappropriate foods.

DH and I would absolutely have said no. If my DS and his GF had a baby, I can’t imagine myself trying to demand “alone time”. There is no reason on earth for me to do that. If they asked me to have the baby all day or overnight that’s fine. But it’s a very different matter to demanding against the parents’ wishes.

Lavender14 · 13/08/2023 14:43

It is perfectly normal to not want to be away from your tiny baby.

I didn't want to be away from ds when he was little, the idea of it just make me feel really uncomfortable and like I was being put under pressure to do something against my gut instinct. My pil regularly asked to take him walks and babysit etc and I responded by saying, thank you that's really kind, we'll definitely take you up on that when we feel ready to be apart from him. And i just made lots of effort to invite them round for dinner/ coffee or call to theirs so they could see him.

I understand that a tiny new baby is exciting and she wants to spend time with her grandchild but there's no specific reason why that has to be without you there. And you've an even better reason than most given that dh works away and will want to capitalise on the time he does have. It took me about 6 months to feel ready for ds to go out alone and I make no apologies for that, I'm entitled to make the most of my mat leave with him too and there will be lots of time for lovely visits to grandparents as he grows.

I'm sure at the time they found it strange, not that they ever said, and that really reassured me - if they'd been pushy like that it would have made me less inclined to want to do that. I

Bikesandbees · 13/08/2023 19:16

My own mother didn’t take our child out without me until he was maybe 3? And that was to the park across the road. She never even asked to take him out alone. Cause that would be weird.

Your child, your rules. I would not have let anyone other than my partner care for my 4month old.

Original poster

Cantsleep23 · 14/08/2023 22:40

Kattitude · 11/08/2023 16:04

As a grandmother myself I loved having the babies to myself for a couple of hours and I know my son and DIL appreciated a couple of hours to themselves every now and then, I’m sure your MIL is more than capable of giving a bottle, changing a nappy and putting the baby down for a nap, would you have the same reaction if it was your mother?

I'm sure she's very capable but she's adamant she wants to take her out of the house for a few hours to bond with her and has no intention of coming to our home to spend time with her while she is with us

OP posts:

Original poster

Cantsleep23 · 14/08/2023 22:52

elenacampana · 12/08/2023 12:34

This is nonsense though. The OP has already said people other than the two of them look after the baby and it happens a couple of times a week late into the evening. All that at the start about ‘we aren’t comfortable with anyone but us two’ was a fairy story.

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'other people' like you wrote are my 2 other children, one is nearly 19 and the other is nearly 15. They will look after our baby if we are both at work at the same time. I work evenings and my partner usually finishes work around 6pm unless he is working away. While we are at work my daughter might take the baby to a shop about a 3 minute walk away, other than that she is in the house at all times. The baby is asleep in her own cot every single night even when my partner is working away and I'm at work. The point of this thread was grandparent wanted our baby set day set time with no compromise and we said no but gave options. Our daughter has never stayed with anyone else except for me, her dad, her brother and her sister and it has always been in our home

OP posts:

Original poster

Cantsleep23 · 14/08/2023 23:05

mollyminniemo · 12/08/2023 17:18

I think you are being a tad precious and ott yes. I’m sure further down the line you’d be very keen for her to babysit to help you both go out/ work etc? She just wants to spend some time 1-1 with your daughter what’s the big deal? 4 months is now quite far down the baby line! Why not ask her to come over at the end of babies nap time, get her up / changed fed or opposite - at tail end of being awake an hour before she goes down/ then stay for an hour while she naps and you guys go out for lunch or to the cinema? The longer you leave it it’s harder for you and baby to get used to not being together 24/7 as well as baby not used to other people.

4 months is quite far down the baby line? 16 weeks or 112 days days old. So she's not a baby anymore? Our baby doesn't have a set nap time (she's only 4 months old) so I'm not going to ring mil and say "hey she should be going to sleep in about an hour would you like to travel over 10 miles and put her down for a nap" I would love to be with my baby 24/7 but as you have probably read on this post I actually work a couple of evenings a week too
The 'big deal' of this is she's wanted to take her at a set time on a set day with no compromise and she didn't like it that we told her no but offered to let her come round and spend time with our baby or even meet her somewhere

OP posts:

Original poster

Cantsleep23 · 14/08/2023 23:22

Kattitude · 11/08/2023 16:04

As a grandmother myself I loved having the babies to myself for a couple of hours and I know my son and DIL appreciated a couple of hours to themselves every now and then, I’m sure your MIL is more than capable of giving a bottle, changing a nappy and putting the baby down for a nap, would you have the same reaction if it was your mother?

I'm sure she's capable too but she only wants to take our baby out and spend time with her without me and my partner. I would have the same reaction if it was my mother who was demanding too but she's a very ill woman so wouldn't be able to spend time alone with our daughter

OP posts:

YerArseInParsley · 15/08/2023 03:18

FictionalCharacter · 13/08/2023 14:37

I always think this when I see MN posts about GPs and other relatives wanting “alone time” with a young baby. Some of them are really insistent and aggressive about it. I’d never heard of this before MN.

Some posts in the past have shown the GPs real motives - they want to stop the mother breastfeeding by giving bottles, or they “don’t believe in allergies” so they want to feed the baby milk products to prove they’re right, or they want to leave the baby to cry for hours to “sleep train” them. There have been many threads about GPs feeding inappropriate foods.

DH and I would absolutely have said no. If my DS and his GF had a baby, I can’t imagine myself trying to demand “alone time”. There is no reason on earth for me to do that. If they asked me to have the baby all day or overnight that’s fine. But it’s a very different matter to demanding against the parents’ wishes.

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So you would never ask to have your grandchild over for the day?

YerArseInParsley · 15/08/2023 03:22

Bikesandbees · 13/08/2023 19:16

My own mother didn’t take our child out without me until he was maybe 3? And that was to the park across the road. She never even asked to take him out alone. Cause that would be weird.

Your child, your rules. I would not have let anyone other than my partner care for my 4month old.

How is it weird for a grandparent to take your child out alone, do you not trust your parents?

I just don't understand this way of thinking. I've been looking after my nieces 2 year old daughter since she was months old and taking her out for walks. What's wrong with that? How is that weird?

FictionalCharacter · 15/08/2023 04:40

YerArseInParsley · 15/08/2023 03:18

So you would never ask to have your grandchild over for the day?

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No, not if the parents didn’t want that.

OP has said but she only wants to take our baby out and spend time with her without me and my partner which is very different from asking “how about if I take the baby out for the day” and backing off if they parents say no.