Granparent overreacting?

[Cantsleep23]

Me and my partner had a baby only 4 months ago and we both said we wouldn't be allowing her to be away from us until we feel ready ourselves, she's my partners first child. My partners stepmum, who he classes as his mum has asked if she can take our daughter out for a few hours to spend some time with her. We have said we are happy for her to come and visit her at our home or we would meet her for tea but would rather she didn't take her out without us until she's older (around the time she wanted to pick her up she would be due a bottle and a sleep) we've tried to be polite and tell her were not ready for her to be away from us yet but she's taken it the totally wrong way and has said "oh so we can only have supervised visits" and "she's our bloody granddaughter" and just not taking our feelings into consideration.
My partner works away Alot so hasn't managed to get the bond with her that he wants so he's wanting to spend as much time with her as he can before he has to work away again and I work part time so I've obviously got the bond with her
Are we being unreasonable with the grandparents for telling them they can spend the time with her while she's with us? They have 3 other grandchildren who they are "popping round to see" so why do they only want to take our baby out for a few hours? We are feeling really under pressure to have to say yes to them and let them take her but we don't want to

Wtf are you all on? Making out the stepmum is some kind of weirdo. Whats wrong with gran wanting to take her grandchild out? It's flipping normal to want to take a new baby out for a walk in It's pram. The gran didn't say the words "alone with child" like some kind of wrong one, that's just the twisted minds of some of you parents on here making out like the gran is some kind of sick pervert.

OP, your decision is final but as someone says, you will probably be looking for childcare in the future and the more you hog your child the more glingy they are.

It's flipping normal to want to take a new baby out for a walk in It's pram.

Normal to want to take someone else's new baby out for a walk, specifically without their parent their when their parent isn't comfortable with it yet?

Nah, that's not normal.

Offering to take baby out for a walk is a perfectly nice and normal thing to do. Being pissed off when the parent says no thanks isn't normal. It's really, really weird.

*there, not their

I didn't say the reaction was acceptable but I suspect it maybe comes across to the stepmum like they don't trust her. It's not the op not wanting her baby away from her, it's the overreacting comments from people making out like the stepmum is some sort of weirdo for wanting to take the baby out for a few hours and she cant be trusted with the baby? Where do people get that from?

My nieces daughter is 2 and and my mum have been taking her out since she was a baby. There's nothing like having a wee baby to look after for the day, take for walks etc, why are people so suspicious of that?

*me and my mum

It’s more about SMiL’s reactions and behaviour over it that posters are finding wrong. The parents have given her other chances and compromises that they are comfortable with to spend time with their baby with them around but SMIL is refusing this and only wants to take the baby out alone for hours. It has also been stated that she hasn’t spoken to one of her own children (if I read correctly) over the same issue for two years.

If it was really about spending time with the baby, she would accept what the parents are giving her and build up from there instead of acting as if she is entitled to have someone else’s young baby alone because she is family.

Her behaviour is showing she is not one to respect boundaries and would easily overstep and do what she wants regardless of what the parents say if she were to have the baby on her own.

Everything @phoenixrosehere just said - exactly this.

YANBU. 4 months is very young so it's perfectly natural to want her with you. Tell her you're not ready yet to have anyone other than the 2 of you look after, and yes sorry than includes the "bloody grandparents". As you say, more than welcome to come and see her if you want to, that should be enough.

You are not unreasonable; I had the most awful time pre & upon the birth of my first child with demanding MIL & step daughters whom thought they could call the shots .. I was too polite & considerate of others feelings & backed down to appease, worse move ever as they have indeed called the shots ever since. Your baby your rules & be strong & stand your ground ! My own parents never made any demands..

I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, any family who demand access to a child, against parent wishes are also going to ignore what the child needs. It’s all about them.

There is nothing wrong with offering or wanting a relationship. Everything wrong with demanding on as if the child can be owned.

My DM and MIL have had my 4 month old on their own for a short while, but absolutely not because they demanded it! It has been because we've needed a hand watching her and they've been more than willing to help. Anyone demanding to take my baby away from me wouldn't be seeing her at all!

Although I should say, my DM is still hard work. She can't go a few days between seeing DD without telling me how much she's missing her and asking when she can see her. And when she has had her on her own, she rolls her eyes at me wanting to know when and how much sleep and milk she has.

NO. Is the answer.
Either they accept she is YOUR child and you make the rules or they don't see her.
She is not a doll to be played with and passed around.
Do not give in.

I actually don't think GP's mean anything by this, I think that maybe they want to take their grandchild out into the world to have him/her admired, and to be able to proudly say 'this is my granddaughter/son', whereas if they go out with you, and they are not in charge of the buggy, then anyone who stops to admire your baby, congratulates you, rather than them, if you see what I mean? I think they're just proud and want to show everyone. I don't think you did anything wrong by saying you weren't happy to let this happen OP, but as I grandparent myself, I can understand what might be behind it, not that I've EVER done it myself, but then my DD was more than happy to let me look after them, from fairly early on. Just depends on what you're happy with, as everyone else has said.

It’s not an hour though, she wants to take the baby for a few hours. Either way, if the parents aren’t comfortable with it, granny needs to get over it

Your original post literally said you don’t want her to have the baby on her own until she’s older. Which is completely understand if you weren’t leaving your baby with teenagers while you work, or not leaving her at all. Do you not trust her for some reason?

@CM1897

The woman is clearly entitled, demanding, disrespectful of the parents, rigid in her thinking and emotionally immature.

Why should OP have to provide further reasons not to trust her?

Parents get to decide who looks after their children. They don't have to justify that decision to anyone.

OP is comfortable with her teen children looking after the baby while she works. That doesn't open the floodgates for every overbearing relative to frolic off with a tiny baby whenever suits them.

Stick to your guns OP.

Some people have the good fortune of supportive and sensible family members and can't picture themselves in your situation.

I think that maybe they want to take their grandchild out into the world to have him/her admired, and to be able to proudly say 'this is my granddaughter/son', whereas if they go out with you, and they are not in charge of the buggy, then anyone who stops to admire your baby, congratulates you, rather than them

But don’t you see how this mindset is self-absorbed and odd? Not that a GP is proud of their GC, but the idea that they urgently need to have a baby alone to attract all the admiration, rather than the parents.

It's a pretty rare scenario for strangers to stop you to admire your young baby and congratulate you

As @JanieEyre says, why? Because if you allow grandma to hold the baby, maybe give her a bottle or change her diaper, walk around with her.......why would that need to be without you, outside of your house? Where would they then take baby "for a few hours"? Anyway, YANBU, I wouldn't agree either.

I think that maybe they want to take their grandchild out into the world to have him/her admired, and to be able to proudly say 'this is my granddaughter/son', whereas if they go out with you, and they are not in charge of the buggy, then anyone who stops to admire your baby, congratulates you, rather than them

This is so incredibly self absorbed and utterly bizarre! Do people really think this way?!

My mum was 44 when she became a grandmother for the first time and she definitely used to enjoy pushing the pram and getting all the have you had a baby you look young enough to have had a baby glances and comments…. She absolutely loved it going oh no it’s not mine it’s my granddaughter. No I don’t look old enough do I? 🙄

No it isn’t. My second is four months and we get stopped all the time.

And they congratulate you @DaisyAndDonaldDuck?

When my two were toddlers they had curly hair, one white blonde and one golden, and women would often stop and comment and chat, but cannot remember any strangers ever stopping to talk about them when they were babies.

This is completely understandable. I think maybe you just overstated the wanting to be with her as a reason in the OP with came across a bit OTT.

It's perfectly normal and acceptable to have people you trust more. And it's not to do with age. A 19yr old could easily be working in a nursery and lives with the baby. She will naturally know what to do more. A grandparent who does live with you and hasn't looked after a baby for a long time should not be this confident about being able to cope. I let me sister take my baby out when she was few days old ( I needed to sleep) but I trust my sister to loom after my kids BETTER than I can, I wouldn't have let either my mum or my MIL.

All childcare/babysitting should be when you need it, not random times.
MIL says things like "I haven't seen the kids in ages they are always "too busy"" but it works both ways....she is busy when they are free and when I need help.