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AIBU?

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Original poster

Granparent overreacting?

305 replies

Cantsleep23 · 08/08/2023 22:43

Me and my partner had a baby only 4 months ago and we both said we wouldn't be allowing her to be away from us until we feel ready ourselves, she's my partners first child. My partners stepmum, who he classes as his mum has asked if she can take our daughter out for a few hours to spend some time with her. We have said we are happy for her to come and visit her at our home or we would meet her for tea but would rather she didn't take her out without us until she's older (around the time she wanted to pick her up she would be due a bottle and a sleep) we've tried to be polite and tell her were not ready for her to be away from us yet but she's taken it the totally wrong way and has said "oh so we can only have supervised visits" and "she's our bloody granddaughter" and just not taking our feelings into consideration.
My partner works away Alot so hasn't managed to get the bond with her that he wants so he's wanting to spend as much time with her as he can before he has to work away again and I work part time so I've obviously got the bond with her
Are we being unreasonable with the grandparents for telling them they can spend the time with her while she's with us? They have 3 other grandchildren who they are "popping round to see" so why do they only want to take our baby out for a few hours? We are feeling really under pressure to have to say yes to them and let them take her but we don't want to

OP posts:
Andthereyougo · 11/08/2023 14:02

Your baby, your rules. And I say that as a grandmother to three. I’ve never understood the wanting to take over your DD or DS baby.
One dgc had some health problems at birth, lasted several months ( now thankfully all resolved) so I offered to accompany DD to appointments , sit in hospital with her. Take her baby away even on a walk bc they’re my grandchild? no way.

Nanny0gg · 11/08/2023 14:04

Morestrangerthings1 · 09/08/2023 05:02

As a grandparent - it’s always been ‘parents’ rules’ as it should be. As a grandparent you can bond with regular short visits (when asked) without the responsibility that’s involved with caring for a young baby.

I don’t think it’s any nefarious scheme on the part of the mil. But it’s still weird. It’s something I read on mn regularly.

I’ve not yet seen any posts on here from mils wanting to have babies for extended periods or overnight. I suspect any mil that wanted to do it would know it’s unreasonable - and that they’d get a lot of negative responses on here if they posted about it.

I've bonded with all my DGC.

I've never taken them out on their own till I minded them and they were MUCH older than 4 months!

MrTiddlesTheCat · 11/08/2023 14:08

"she's our bloody granddaughter"

'Exactly! Not a doll that you get a turn at playing mummy with.'

"oh so we can only have supervised visits"

'Carry on like this and you'll be lucky to get any visits.'

Mischance · 11/08/2023 14:09

I have 7 GC. I have no idea what these sort of grandparents are on about - I just do not get it.

I visit when invited, help when asked, have them to stay when needed. But the traffic is from my DDs to me - not the other way round. They ask; I help if I can.

What is going on in the minds of these deluded grandparents? Beats me.

MeridianB · 11/08/2023 14:09

Oh and @Cantsleep23 please don't pay the slightest attention to MIL or anyone on her making snarky digs about you 'regretting' this decision when you need babysitting favours. As if it's some kind of transaction.

Don't doubt yourself - you made the right decision. If she pursues this, you and DH can ask her why she is so keen to be with a baby away from its parents. Ask her to spell it out. And if the answer is 'bonding' explain the many ways she can do that with you guys there. Then ask her again about why she needs to take the baby alone. I'm not suggesting her intentions are sinister. just that her behaviour should absolutely by challenged. She clearly didn't learn last time!

Firsttimmummy · 11/08/2023 14:16

I remember this happening to me after my c section, my LG was 2/3 days old and my mum was like "Do you want us to watch her you gave PD," I didn't i was just overwhelm by having two days to prepare for an op (something I never had before) and then she asked again and again - now she stopped bothering with us.

PimmsandCucumbers · 11/08/2023 14:29

MrTiddlesTheCat · 11/08/2023 14:08

"she's our bloody granddaughter"

'Exactly! Not a doll that you get a turn at playing mummy with.'

"oh so we can only have supervised visits"

'Carry on like this and you'll be lucky to get any visits.'

This!

Now I’ve had experience with in laws, lots of experience, I can say that those family members who gets arsy about rules or limits around your children, who don’t respect you as a parents, are exactly the ones who need to be supervised and minimised around your kids.

Especially the ones who say ‘she’s our bloody niece/grandaughter’ - they can take a long hike.

Hibiscrubbed · 11/08/2023 14:47

bitterwithbaggage · 11/08/2023 13:28

Her comment "she's our bloody grandchild" is key isn't it? She doesn't want to help you , she wants to claim her imaginary rights. Stick to your guns. MIL needs to stop playing power games. So what if she has a strop and ignores you for a couple of years - you can't give in to such manipulation.

Off the back of the ‘she’s our bloody grandchild’ comment, plus refusing to see the child unless it’s without its mother, that she wants her at set times and has fallen out with another family member because they wouldn’t give her unfettered solo access to their baby, I’m afraid I’d become rather petty and point out she’s actually nothing to do with the baby really.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/08/2023 14:49

we've tried to be polite and tell her were not ready for her to be away from us yet but she's taken it the totally wrong way

You don't need to be polite. She is not worried about being polite to you and just not taking your feelings into consideration.

"oh so we can only have supervised visits" - Yes you can have supervised visits. At the moment - that is correct.
"she's our bloody granddaughter" - also correct. Please don't swear.

There have been so many posts like this with some MILS laying down the law on access to new babies. It feels like they are vying for control and trying it on to see what they can "win". It's no wonder this makes you more reluctant not less. It erodes trust when you are up against a "My way or the Highway" scenario and It's very difficult to deal with it

I always used to think this is your time. They've had their time. Being respectful of your wishes as a parent would go a long way.

ClairDeLaLune · 11/08/2023 15:10

"she's our bloody granddaughter"

Anybody who referred to my daughter in this way would not be taking her out ever, and I wouldn’t even want them to see her. She’s not an object, and certainly not their possession.

charlotte361 · 11/08/2023 15:30

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 09/08/2023 04:32

With that attitude she would certainly never counting herself out of having any unsupervised visits.

Why does she want alone time with a 4 month old baby? Why does she need to spend time with them on their own for it to considered acceptable to her?

She just wants to build her own relationship with your baby.It's harder to do that with the main caregiver tehre

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 11/08/2023 15:31

charlotte361 · 11/08/2023 15:30

She just wants to build her own relationship with your baby.It's harder to do that with the main caregiver tehre

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Why is it harder? Because baby actually wants to be with their primary caregiver rather than a random woman?

MeridianB · 11/08/2023 15:32

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 11/08/2023 15:31

Why is it harder? Because baby actually wants to be with their primary caregiver rather than a random woman?

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I’d love to hear the answer to this, too.

letloz · 11/08/2023 15:52

It's completely your decision, and i would have been the same when my little one was that young, but maybe she wants to feel she is the one looking after her, rather than you doing it and her being on the sidelines? I think it does change the dynamic when the parent is there too Maybe when she comes round, take the opportunity to have a bath or something, for her to feel she's had that bit of alone time?

Kattitude · 11/08/2023 16:04

As a grandmother myself I loved having the babies to myself for a couple of hours and I know my son and DIL appreciated a couple of hours to themselves every now and then, I’m sure your MIL is more than capable of giving a bottle, changing a nappy and putting the baby down for a nap, would you have the same reaction if it was your mother?

EarlGreywithLemon · 11/08/2023 16:05

I think it does change the dynamic when the parent is there too

It doesn't change the dynamic, it is the correct dynamic - the parent is the parent, not the grandparent. The grandparent has had their turn, they don't get to play mummy and daddy with the baby like it's a doll.

I'm still bitter from my mother trying to get me to go to the cinema alone so I could leave my 6 week old EBF baby with her!!

Ariela · 11/08/2023 16:06

Your rules...but I don't get why you wouldn't just hand over baby for an hour or two and go for a nice, relaxing bath. Or read a book, or even just enjoy feet up and a cup of tea & biscuits in peace. In fact why not all three?

Mischance · 11/08/2023 16:06

letloz · 11/08/2023 15:52

It's completely your decision, and i would have been the same when my little one was that young, but maybe she wants to feel she is the one looking after her, rather than you doing it and her being on the sidelines? I think it does change the dynamic when the parent is there too Maybe when she comes round, take the opportunity to have a bath or something, for her to feel she's had that bit of alone time?

What?! Really!?

EarlGreywithLemon · 11/08/2023 16:07

@Kattitude I don't know about OP, but yes, I did. Exactly that reaction. Not to my MIL, because she was considerate enough not to ask for things like that

PimmsandCucumbers · 11/08/2023 16:13

They trouble is, if she doesn’t respect your decision now, about how you parent your own child and not comfortable with alone time yet, she won’t respect it when she is alone with her.

So she can’t be trusted.

PrancingPony1 · 11/08/2023 16:20

elenacampana · 10/08/2023 13:05

Exactly what I thought when I saw the post about the older kids. Happy to pay teenagers to look after a young baby, not happy to allow an experienced adult look after a baby for free.

This looks more like it’s about control and keeping MIL in her place. No wonder MIL is fed up.

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MIL is entitled to her feelings, but her perception of reality is wayyy skewed if she believes that she's been wronged or something. Or that the parents owe her X just because they are doing Y. Just no. It's about PERSONAL BOUNDARIES.

OP, some people believe that they are the protagonists of the story when a baby arrives and it's all about what they WANT and how they FEEL. They say they want to help, but the minute you tell them the way you'd prefer to do things, they start drama. A brilliant way to be helpful. Meanwhile, the new parents are struggling to adapt to their new schedule, new anxieties, new life, new everything. And they have to juggle other people's selfish feelings on top of that? The entitlement is unreal.

I think trying to descalate is the best tactic here, but don't back down—don't give into the blackmail. If she's this insecure, I'd reassure her that you'll be happy for her to be involved in your DD's life and so on, even if that's not how you feel at the moment. I'm afraid though that at some point down the line, things will snap given the precedent you described with her other child.

Samlewis96 · 11/08/2023 16:25

OurChristmasMiracle · 10/08/2023 10:43

i would state- both me and DH are not comfortable with baby being away from us whilst she is so young. When that changes we will let you know.

Except of course when they are working and teenager is babysitting....

toobusymummy · 11/08/2023 16:28

the trouble with this is that by 'guilting' you into trying to get her own way on this she's basically saying 'this is about me getting my own way and not you, your baby or your baby's needs' because she's showing absolutely no empathy towards you or the needs of your baby. Ask by all means but if the answer is no then if you want to see it as supervised visits that's a 'you' (grandparents) problem not a 'me' (parents) problem.

IndigoLaFaye · 11/08/2023 16:31

At the end of the day, your child your rules but I don’t really get your stance. You work part time so you are regularly away from your child so I really can’t understand why you wouldn’t let her take little one for an hour or so, so you can do some you stuff at home.
yes it has to be at a time that’s best for baby but to be honest I don’t get it.

phoenixrosehere · 11/08/2023 16:31

Samlewis96 · 11/08/2023 16:25

Except of course when they are working and teenager is babysitting....

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Teenager is a sibling whom lives there, knows the baby’s routine and are doing the bedtime routine.

SMIL doesn’t live there and wanting to take baby alone outside of the home away from its parents.

Quite a difference imo.