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Original poster

Tough bday dilemma WWYD please 11 year old and £100

288 replies

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 19:54

Dd one is 16 and dd 2 nearly 11.

For dd 10th bday we offered her a party or 100 pounds on her bday.. She chose 100 and we went to hamleys.

Dd2 we offered the same. She chose the party. We had an at home party no entrainer, they did crafts and played music... 8 friends. Dd would also have had gifts from us. Dd said we didn't spend 100 on her.

Her bday is soon and she's saying she never got the offer and can she have 100 pounds for her 11th bday.

There 100 figure was really only for this 10th bday because it was a small double figures milestone... And not something I want to give out every year.
I'm uncomfortable that she doesn't trust us when we say she had the offer.

We can give her 100 on her 11th but I'm uncomfortable and feel I would need to record the transaction or get her to agree she wanted it and not a party.

Also just after lock down for her 9rh we did do the really expensive disco party, hall.. Prof cake etc... Which is far more than we everything spent before always had house parties but due to lock down and no parities for 2 year we decided to go for it.

She's extremely sensitive where her sister is concerned and jealous.

I'm not sure how e to proceed. Perhaps I'm over thinking it and should just give her the 100.

OP posts:
Anothernamethesamegame · 08/08/2023 19:59

Im a little confused. So 16 year old chose a party when she turned 10? And 11 year old chose the £100? You offered this on their 10th birthday only because it was double figures? Is that right or did I get mixed up.

If right then I’d restate to DD 11 that she WAS given the choice of a party and chose not to have it. Maybe them move discussion about what the options are for her birthday this year. I’d refuse to go over and over the 10th birthday though and I wouldn’t get in to feeling bad or long discussions about it:

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 08/08/2023 20:01

I wouldn’t be getting drawn into discussions about it. Tell her what her options are, and they must be the options that you’re happy to provide.

NoSquirrels · 08/08/2023 20:04

When both DDs turned 10 they were offered £100 to spend, or a party worth £100.

OP, if you genuinely feel you offered both the same and spent the same whatever they chose, then you should stick to your guns and tell DD2 nothing has been unfair.

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 20:05

The now 16 year old chose the 100 and wash taken to the hamleys... Dd2 when she was 10 chose the party.

Unfortunately it's playing in her nind and has been and she winter drop it. She's been mentioning it on and off for weeks but tonight she's now asked for 100.

OP posts:
Ohmylovejune · 08/08/2023 20:05

You tell DD2 she wanted a party and gifts. Her choice. That's what she got. Can't imagine a party for 8 plus gifts would have been less than 100, not that it matters, she got the deal she wanted and partied are time consuming

Now she can wait for the next milestone birthday, whenever that is. 18, perhaps.

You are making a rod for your own back with all this varying negotiation.

NoSquirrels · 08/08/2023 20:07

it's playing in her nind and has been and she winter drop it. She's been mentioning it on and off for weeks but tonight she's now asked for 100.

I don’t know how you haven’t shut this down before now.

craigth162 · 08/08/2023 20:08

Stop letting her dictate shes a child. She gets what she gets for her bday and should be grateful. If she wants to behave like a spoilt brat she gets nothing

Whataretheodds · 08/08/2023 20:09

I think you have to be quite matter or fact about them both being offered.

But also ask her what is she concerned about - it sounds as though she needs reassurance about her value, maybe about your love. That doesn't mean, of course, that you've done anything to make her question it. But she's at a delicate time for self-esteem.

cansu · 08/08/2023 20:09

I think the mistake you made was putting a number of pounds on the birthday. Surely she gets a gift and if funds allow a celebration of some kind such as a meal with family or friends or a cinema trip with a close friend or whatever. Tell her what is on offer and that's it .

Ohmylovejune · 08/08/2023 20:09

Maybe she thinks this is the choice at each birthday, and wants option 2 for her 11th.

No, that was a special one
Next special one is 18.

Bibbetybobbity · 08/08/2023 20:09

I think you’re massively overthinking this- I’d be breezy about the options, refuse to be drawn anymore about what’s happened previously and just wander off if dd2 brings it up again. I realise it’s easier said than done now you’re in it, but I think she’ll calm down if you stop responding/explaining. It’s not a negotiation.

Anothernamethesamegame · 08/08/2023 20:10

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 20:05

The now 16 year old chose the 100 and wash taken to the hamleys... Dd2 when she was 10 chose the party.

Unfortunately it's playing in her nind and has been and she winter drop it. She's been mentioning it on and off for weeks but tonight she's now asked for 100.

I think just explain it one more time and tell her you will NOT be discussing it again. Then shut it down each time it comes up again. Don’t let her guilt you into talking about it or offering something you don’t really want to offer

ChristmasCrumpet · 08/08/2023 20:12

"You chose a party and it cost £100"

It's that simple.

Is she then going to start denying she had a party?? This is honestly ridiculous.

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 20:12

@Whataretheodds she's an extremely sensitive child and this is why I'm canvasing for others opinions.

We tried to shut it down but she's not an easy child to shut things down with.

OP posts:
Redglitter · 08/08/2023 20:13

Perhaps I'm over thinking it and should just give her the 100

Why would you even consider that. She made her choice at the time. If you give in then you really need to give your eldest daughter another £100 too

Tell your daughter regardless of what she thinks she had her patty and you will not be giving her another £100. End of conversation

SophiaElise · 08/08/2023 20:13

Are you really being dictated to by an 11 year old?

Drivingmisspotty · 08/08/2023 20:13

Did you spend £100 on the party?

BiscuitsandPuffin · 08/08/2023 20:13

How much input did she get into planning the party? Because as a 10 year old I'd feel ripped off if I'd had an amazing party for my 9th and my mum was making out 10 would be even better, with £100 or a party (they don't really know the value of money at this age properly) and I got a little house party with 8 friends.
I mean if I'd run that size party at home for a kid, I would have had change from £40, so I can see where she's coming from.
However, this is an important lesson to her that life isn't fair and choices aren't always what they seem. Shame it had to come at the expense of trusting you both but it's done now.

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 20:13

Christmas she's working out how much it cost us... I hsd an folder brother like this and I'm concerned it will turn into something she will always feel hard done by with.

OP posts:
Pineapplewaves · 08/08/2023 20:14

I'd be getting a pen and a piece of paper and writing a list of all the items I bought for the party and how much each one cost, then I'd be presenting DD with the evidence that £100.00 was indeed spent on her.

You fed eight guests and bought craft materials but did that come to £100.00? I can see how she thinks you didn't spend £100.00.......

Clefable · 08/08/2023 20:14

It all sounds a bit OTT! I don't know how much you usually spend on birthdays, but can't you just say she can have X for her 11th birthday in lieu of a party even if it's £50 or whatever you would usually spend. Seems a bit weird to be fixated on this £100.

Whataretheodds · 08/08/2023 20:15

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 20:12

@Whataretheodds she's an extremely sensitive child and this is why I'm canvasing for others opinions.

We tried to shut it down but she's not an easy child to shut things down with.

What I mean is I'd close down on the fact of the party. But I would then ask her what is bothering her about it - what's this all really about.

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 20:15

I don't think we did, obviously got art stuff, party stuff, balloons etc.. Food and her actual bday presents which I Cant remember what they've were.

OP posts:
Clefable · 08/08/2023 20:16

(Although I do think the whole choosing money v a party scenario is a bit weird in the first place if I'm honest and the kind of thing that will end badly because kids don't really understand money in the same way)

Surely if you bought presents as well as hosted a party you spent £100 though?

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 20:16

I don't think in my head certainly that we have to spend 100 on it though... Giving her 100 and take tomorrow shop is much easier than works that goes into party

OP posts:
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