Tough bday dilemma WWYD please 11 year old and £100

[BirthdayComplication]

Dd one is 16 and dd 2 nearly 11.

For dd 10th bday we offered her a party or 100 pounds on her bday.. She chose 100 and we went to hamleys.

Dd2 we offered the same. She chose the party. We had an at home party no entrainer, they did crafts and played music... 8 friends. Dd would also have had gifts from us. Dd said we didn't spend 100 on her.

Her bday is soon and she's saying she never got the offer and can she have 100 pounds for her 11th bday.

There 100 figure was really only for this 10th bday because it was a small double figures milestone... And not something I want to give out every year.
I'm uncomfortable that she doesn't trust us when we say she had the offer.

We can give her 100 on her 11th but I'm uncomfortable and feel I would need to record the transaction or get her to agree she wanted it and not a party.

Also just after lock down for her 9rh we did do the really expensive disco party, hall.. Prof cake etc... Which is far more than we everything spent before always had house parties but due to lock down and no parities for 2 year we decided to go for it.

She's extremely sensitive where her sister is concerned and jealous.

I'm not sure how e to proceed. Perhaps I'm over thinking it and should just give her the 100.

Notwithstanding the brattish behaviour - which this is - given the jealousy and competition between your girls which may be partly driving this, how about suggesting a birthday treat instead of a party? With you and dd2? Maybe she'd appreciate some quality time with you on your own.

Have you read "how to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk"

There need to be a huge shift in how you deal with DD2 feelings around her sibling. It's a very practical book and could help hugely.

My thoughts. You don't need to enter into a bargaining argument with her.
Your money.

@BirthdayComplication I agree with pp that you need to set out what DD1 had for 9th, 10th and 11th birthdays then the same for DD2 so she can see she actually had a much bigger 9th birthday due to covid and the same options at 10.

I also agree counselling for DD2 and as a family. Trust your instincts about family traits and for the sake of both DD and you, deal with this now.

You’ve kind of put yourselves in this situation so not sure it’s helpful to blame your youngest DD if she’s found it confusing.

Don’t give 100 for 11 bday as that really will set the precedent for both going forward. And absolutely don’t give her something then make her sign a form to say she’s received it as that will only show her you trust her as little as you perceive she trusts you. If my parent did that I’d remember it forever.

If she brings it up again just clearly reiterate the facts: that both your DD had the same opinions but they both made a different choice because everyone is different and likes to celebrate in different ways. Make it clean that both will still have presents in future but the value of the present is not as important as what use and enjoyment she can get out of it. (You have to change the narrative basically. Especially if other materialistic relatives have been driving this)

It seems unusual that DD2 has become so preoccupied about what DD1 got as at the time she’d have been 5 and probably wasn’t bothered or took notice. I’d be looking to who is putting these ideas in her head (could also be social media) and trying to remember that she is a child learning still and not out to be malicious.

Are there other issues that make you think she might have SEN?

My DS has ADHD (diagnosed) and there are really obvious things like the difficulty concentrating etc on school work - together with less obvious things. One thing is an intense fear of exclusion, which can sometimes look like jealousy of a sibling. So it might not be the money at all that she’s worried about, more than she feels she’s missed out on something

*clear

PS - none of this means I give my Dd everything he wants, but it means I know where his sometimes inaccurate perceptions come from

What do you mean? It hurt you that your mum said you wanted to engage more with your older sis but sis wasn't bothered?

You've been given some reasonable suggestions. But you're not really listening.

I don't think that's a party op just some friends round with some crafts seems abit of an anti climatic party. It's not a type of party my dd at that age has had or attended its been either a trip to a cinema with a small group friends, a pool party, roller blade party or bowling. Other party's that have been at a house have had a bouncy castle and/or a hot tub party. Girls at that age talk and she might be embrassed her partly didn't live up to that expectation. If they had been alot younger it would have been ok but at 10 the party seems abit naff.

Good grief. Why is this even a discussion??
She made her choice at the time. It’s over.
Tell her that her party/gift is etc cost £100 and her sister got the £100 in cash as that’s what she preferred. Then tell her that the party cost an awful lot more in time and preparation so really she had ‘more’ for her birthday.
Then that’s the end of it.
If she insists on bringing it up again, stop her straight and tell her that there will be no more discussions about it and if she can’t move on from it, then there will be no more birthday celebrations for her until she stops behaving like an ungrateful brat. She’s got you held to ransom and I can’t believe your are considering backing down and giving her more money.

Its no wonder teachers are struggling with children’s behaviour in school when this is the type of thing going on in parent-child relationships..

Also stop comparing her to your brother it's totally unfair and I suspect there's alot more at play here.

Work out what you spent (including gifts as long as eldest didn't have gifts in addition to the £100?), and deduct it from £100. She gets the difference.

You will have to start making notes and recording things yes, because your older daughter is the one that will be unfairly treated if you keep giving in to her.

No, that I was "extremely placid, laid back and lassiez fair." She convinced herself I didn't mind that I lost out when my sister tantrummed and got her own way.

Not constantly comparing at all.
But I do see some of similar traits and if possible I would like to help dd with that style of thought pattern.

She sounds extremely ungrateful and bratty. I wouldn’t be impressed at all with her attitude and I honestly don’t know why you haven’t shut this down before now.
She wanted a party, she got one and presents. End off.

@Jifmicroliquid all her teachers have praised her lovely nature to the high heavens and how helpful she is.

Please don't start saying stuff like that.

@TimeIhadaNameChange my sister and I are low contact. It helps that she lives in a different country. My mum and her are also low contact, although they live in the same country so there is more contact. My dad died some years ago. My sister makes dismissive and unkind comments to her as often as she can when they see each other, to the point of telling lies she's believed herself to friends and family members.

She also tried very hard to stop us (and my DC) having a relationship with her children. Or rather take away the one we already had. They are now you adults and we've rekindled it, thankfully, albeit differenrly. DNs are aware of their mother's shortcomings, shall we say (not from us, just naturally).

My mum is less pandering now with her. I have encouraged her over the years to do so. Now in her 80s, I think her patience has finally run out. She's also seen that it hasn't made a difference. Better late than never I guess.

My mum and I get on reasonably well. But if I'm honest with myself, I do blame her partly for all the years my sister dominated our lives. And I was ignored because I was the 'easy, happy go lucky one'. Not sure where she got that idea from (as you hinted about yourself in your other post to the OP).

Tell her she'll get what she's given.......and either appreciate it or go without.

It doesn’t matter what her teachers have said. She is acting like a spoilt brat.
You need to nip it in the bud now otherwise she will be a very unpleasant adult.

@PrimalOwl10

I completely disagree.

I saw it with my own eyes they all had a good time with a good range of stuff to do.

This was last year.

It nothing to do with that party she was talking about another home party this year. It's not relavant.

Gift giving is about the thought, not the cost. You offer what you can afford and it's the thought that counts. For me anyway. A party is way more effort and takes more time and thought than just giving £100. I think she got the better deal. Maybe you can sell that to her?

Neon it does when posters are now reaching into her behaviour at school and poor teachers 🤣