Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tough bday dilemma WWYD please 11 year old and £100

288 replies

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 19:54

Dd one is 16 and dd 2 nearly 11.

For dd 10th bday we offered her a party or 100 pounds on her bday.. She chose 100 and we went to hamleys.

Dd2 we offered the same. She chose the party. We had an at home party no entrainer, they did crafts and played music... 8 friends. Dd would also have had gifts from us. Dd said we didn't spend 100 on her.

Her bday is soon and she's saying she never got the offer and can she have 100 pounds for her 11th bday.

There 100 figure was really only for this 10th bday because it was a small double figures milestone... And not something I want to give out every year.
I'm uncomfortable that she doesn't trust us when we say she had the offer.

We can give her 100 on her 11th but I'm uncomfortable and feel I would need to record the transaction or get her to agree she wanted it and not a party.

Also just after lock down for her 9rh we did do the really expensive disco party, hall.. Prof cake etc... Which is far more than we everything spent before always had house parties but due to lock down and no parities for 2 year we decided to go for it.

She's extremely sensitive where her sister is concerned and jealous.

I'm not sure how e to proceed. Perhaps I'm over thinking it and should just give her the 100.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/08/2023 21:43

I think there’s a misunderstanding here at the root of the problem.

You offered £100 or A PARTY - taking into account that your effort in organising the party has value.

She heard £100 or a party that cost £100 - so she chose the party and was disappointed when it obviously didn’t cost £100.

She does sound very transactional - I know this is going to have MN howling “oh here we go!” But does she have ADHD? Kids with this can be very transactional, and can have very strong feelings about being left out or hard done by that can come across as spoilt. She may feel she was “tricked” and this may fuel a misplace sense of injustice.

I would have a clear and honest chat with her about her 11 th. If £100 isn’t on the table talk to her about what is.

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 08/08/2023 21:49

Wait til she hears about inflation- she’ll want that £100 adjusted to account for the 5 year age gap ;)

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/08/2023 21:50

I did wonder about inflation too @Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday 😂😂

Womblegreen · 08/08/2023 21:52

She’s going to be 11. Be the parent and make the decision, she shouldn’t be dictating and she shouldn’t be expecting £100! I think it’s time to shut it down or she’ll become even more entitled.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 08/08/2023 21:54

I know I've already asked, but did her sister get the same big birthday party a
as dd2 got for her 9th?

You say it's a complicated relationship with her sister, but if you let her get away with this it'll be even more complicated, and you risk losing your elder dd. I've spent 20 years watching my mum pander to my sister, often at my expense, whenever she threatens a tantrum and as a result my relationship with my mum has been destroyed.

Losttheplotsometimeago · 08/08/2023 21:54

I really hate it when children get hung up on money in this way.

I meet adults the same and they are tedious. Definitely a "price of everything and the value of nothing" type.

3luckystars · 08/08/2023 21:59

She made her choice. I would write out exactly how much the party cost:
include everything and make it total £100 and hand her the piece of paper and that’s the end of that.

include everything, what the invitations cost (even if you text them, include the cost of the text) electricity, ingredients and even time, party bags, food, drinks decorations, absolutely everything.
make it add up to at least £100 and shut it down then.
you are saying she is sensitive, you need to give her facts on paper and use a pie chart if you have to.

stickygotstuck · 08/08/2023 22:00

@BirthdayComplication , I really recommend you read @Whataretheodds last post.

It's all very well for pp's to say that your DD is a spoiled brat (whish she's well in her way of IMO). But they are not grasping that there is something else at play here. You hinted at it with her not being able to let it go and with your brother's similar behaviour. You really do need to get to the bottom of why she is that way.

With kindness, I think a child psychologist could help.

I have a similar experience as the younger sibling of someone like your DD2. Sibling was always very jealous of me. Which is odd, because from my side all I saw was years of (inheriting her hand me downs and) a lot of pandering to her demands and the whole family walking on eggshells so as not to upset her.

Now she is very sensitive for want of a better word. As am I. But she also clearly has a personality disorder (not wanting to scare you OP). Which for years made our lives, and hers, a misery.

So, she may have extra needs but she also needs to be told no clearly and loudly, as often and needed. Because other people matter too. My parents never did. They pandered and the result was still what you fear - my sibling became like your brother anyway.

And do talk to DD2. Do try and get to the bottom of her massive insecurity. And talk to DD1 too, she won't be oblivious.

3luckystars · 08/08/2023 22:02

You will upset the older child if you keep giving in to her also.
write out the cost and leave it with her, stop the ‘dance’.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 08/08/2023 22:03

stickygotstuck · 08/08/2023 22:00

@BirthdayComplication , I really recommend you read @Whataretheodds last post.

It's all very well for pp's to say that your DD is a spoiled brat (whish she's well in her way of IMO). But they are not grasping that there is something else at play here. You hinted at it with her not being able to let it go and with your brother's similar behaviour. You really do need to get to the bottom of why she is that way.

With kindness, I think a child psychologist could help.

I have a similar experience as the younger sibling of someone like your DD2. Sibling was always very jealous of me. Which is odd, because from my side all I saw was years of (inheriting her hand me downs and) a lot of pandering to her demands and the whole family walking on eggshells so as not to upset her.

Now she is very sensitive for want of a better word. As am I. But she also clearly has a personality disorder (not wanting to scare you OP). Which for years made our lives, and hers, a misery.

So, she may have extra needs but she also needs to be told no clearly and loudly, as often and needed. Because other people matter too. My parents never did. They pandered and the result was still what you fear - my sibling became like your brother anyway.

And do talk to DD2. Do try and get to the bottom of her massive insecurity. And talk to DD1 too, she won't be oblivious.

Out of interest, @stickygotstuck , what's your relationship like both with your sister and your parents now? (Am only asking as your situation sounds very similar to mine.)

NorthWestThree · 08/08/2023 22:03

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 21:28

She wanted to a vr headset at Xmas and understands it was too expensive. I think it's more she has a complicate relationship with her sister

I was going to ask if the older sibling might have been winding her up about it. My relationship with my sister growing up was difficult and she would constantly put me down and tell me how much better she was etc. I'm absolutely not saying this is what your daughter is doing but I can imagine a situation with me and my sister which would have gone along the lines of "haha you are so dumb I can't believe you chose a crap party which cost mum about ten quid and I got a hundred to spend on toys"

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 08/08/2023 22:03

@PrimalOwl10 So with your £85 bowling party, did you also give your child at least one gift? Because OP did. And, to be frank, it really doesn't matter if nearly a year later DD2 is 'embarrassed' by her party.

If I were you I would just shut down these conversations as soon as they start. She doesn't get to dictate how much money is spent on her, and she doesn't get to retrospectively change her mind and get both.

itsgettingweird · 08/08/2023 22:03

It's really simple.

DD2.

You had the same offer and made a choice.

Now if you mention it again then I am within my rights to choose to get you NOTHING this year.

So your choice now is to stop being ungrateful or get nothing.

Then walk away. If she does bring it up again then i'd follow through. Although it sounds like the 9th birthday was way more than £100 so I'm not sure when she's being such a brat?

IveHadItUpToHere · 08/08/2023 22:12

If anything, it sounds like OP treats her elder DD as the golden child. The 11-yr-old is being labelled for a fairly normal reaponse that has arisen solely because of how OP presented the options and then failed to shut down the complaining.

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 22:12

@stickygotstuck

Can you say what the disorder is please. My older brother has made my life a misery with perceived jealously and one person having ex etc

OP posts:
Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 22:13

Older dsis is extremely placid, laid back and lassiez fair.... I think younger tries to engage her more but older isn't that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 22:16

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

She's not been diagnosed but I have wondered if mild sen at play. My older brother has got stuck on things his entire life and comes back to them... Gets on a wheel and can't get off... All the injustices he feels his had woe is me when he's been absolutely beyond morality vile...

OP posts:
TimeIhadaNameChange · 08/08/2023 22:18

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 22:13

Older dsis is extremely placid, laid back and lassiez fair.... I think younger tries to engage her more but older isn't that way.

My mum would have said the same about me. She had no idea how much her attitude to my sister, and thus to me, hurt me.

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 22:19

@PrimalOwl10??

Sorry what doesn't sound great? They had a fantastic time!! She loved her party thanks.

.

OP posts:
heymammy · 08/08/2023 22:19

Your dd2 is a year older and has wised up to the fact that £100 cash is the better option and is regretting her choice.

A quick chat around how regret feels shit but we learn and move on is enough, then make it clear that regret isn't made better by getting a redo.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/08/2023 22:20

Christmas she's working out how much it cost us

I don't like the way this is going at all; "sensitive child" or not, she doesn't get to tabulate everything you spend on her and demand more if she doesn't think it "fair"

Frankly I'd be shutting this down sharpish and making it clear you won't be pandering to this nonsense any further

Hawkins009 · 08/08/2023 22:21

Draw up a contract ?

Efficaciou5 · 08/08/2023 22:23

It would seem that the most important aspect of the celebration of the birth of your two children is your quantification and comparison of the amount of money that you reluctantly give to one each one at a particular milestone.

Have you thought of leaving numbers out of it, and instead, celebrating with lots of love, recollection of happy memories, some surprise gifts and a gathering of loved ones ? 😥

No wonder so many kids are so messed up these days if the celebration of their birthday is evaluated by monetisation. It's almost as if you're valuing their worth on them reaching a milestone in their development. 😬

How very sad.

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 22:24

I'll have to dig through but we would have definitely done what we could to treat them the same and I'm sure after pp promoted my memory that we did give her cash to pay spend as well I imagine 50... What's annoying me is that I will have to dig back to find this stuff! She doesn't believe us.

I feel that everything will need to be properly recorded

OP posts:
IveHadItUpToHere · 08/08/2023 22:24

You're constantly comparing her to your brother - whom you dislike. You need to stop that. You have to deal with your issues with your brother and stop projecting them on to your child.

Swipe left for the next trending thread