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Original poster

Tough bday dilemma WWYD please 11 year old and £100

288 replies

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 19:54

Dd one is 16 and dd 2 nearly 11.

For dd 10th bday we offered her a party or 100 pounds on her bday.. She chose 100 and we went to hamleys.

Dd2 we offered the same. She chose the party. We had an at home party no entrainer, they did crafts and played music... 8 friends. Dd would also have had gifts from us. Dd said we didn't spend 100 on her.

Her bday is soon and she's saying she never got the offer and can she have 100 pounds for her 11th bday.

There 100 figure was really only for this 10th bday because it was a small double figures milestone... And not something I want to give out every year.
I'm uncomfortable that she doesn't trust us when we say she had the offer.

We can give her 100 on her 11th but I'm uncomfortable and feel I would need to record the transaction or get her to agree she wanted it and not a party.

Also just after lock down for her 9rh we did do the really expensive disco party, hall.. Prof cake etc... Which is far more than we everything spent before always had house parties but due to lock down and no parities for 2 year we decided to go for it.

She's extremely sensitive where her sister is concerned and jealous.

I'm not sure how e to proceed. Perhaps I'm over thinking it and should just give her the 100.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 09/08/2023 13:55

No, I wouldnt give her the £100. The money will not solve this dilemma, which is she doesn't trust you. That would sting much more than the cash...
Besides if you do that will she expect £100 every birthday, plus party for 13th (teenager) sweet 16th, 18th, 21st etc. I think you need to get your parent hat on and say she's not remembered but luckily you have. She made her choice....its over, dine, gone, dealt with.
You and your husband need to get your heads together to come up with a stately to encourage trust.

Godlovesall26 · 09/08/2023 14:25

I was wondering OP, as she’s constantly comparing herself to her sister, is her sister also arty (you mention crafts, dancing, acting). Look into the prices first, but could you suggest as a present for example dance/crafts/drama classes, if she doesn’t do them already (or doing competitions if she’s in dance for example - i mention this as you say you are on a budget and did dance for years (now just turned 33) and competitions can be crazy expensive). If you frame it as I’m really noticing how consistently great and even better you’re getting, I’ve looked into options, here they are (to make sure they’re affordable to you!!). Even if she’s not interested it shows you see her as an individual, and a great one, and would be something her sister ‘never had’.

Godlovesall26 · 09/08/2023 14:32

Godlovesall26 · 09/08/2023 14:25

I was wondering OP, as she’s constantly comparing herself to her sister, is her sister also arty (you mention crafts, dancing, acting). Look into the prices first, but could you suggest as a present for example dance/crafts/drama classes, if she doesn’t do them already (or doing competitions if she’s in dance for example - i mention this as you say you are on a budget and did dance for years (now just turned 33) and competitions can be crazy expensive). If you frame it as I’m really noticing how consistently great and even better you’re getting, I’ve looked into options, here they are (to make sure they’re affordable to you!!). Even if she’s not interested it shows you see her as an individual, and a great one, and would be something her sister ‘never had’.

For what it’s worth my grandma made my competition outfits (buying prices are absolutely ridiculous, but don’t really worry about that aspect, they’re not that hard to make, especially with YouTube tutorials these days - just a pile of rhinestones etc work just fine tbh), this could be a bonding activity you could do together (and a way to introduce her to the fact you don’t have a cash tree).
Sorry I’m talking about dance as it’s basically all I did, quite intensely and we definitely weren’t wealthy.
It could be interesting for her to be in what can be quite a competitive environment, see how it turns out. And definitely will keep her mind busy.

Godlovesall26 · 09/08/2023 14:38

Godlovesall26 · 09/08/2023 14:32

For what it’s worth my grandma made my competition outfits (buying prices are absolutely ridiculous, but don’t really worry about that aspect, they’re not that hard to make, especially with YouTube tutorials these days - just a pile of rhinestones etc work just fine tbh), this could be a bonding activity you could do together (and a way to introduce her to the fact you don’t have a cash tree).
Sorry I’m talking about dance as it’s basically all I did, quite intensely and we definitely weren’t wealthy.
It could be interesting for her to be in what can be quite a competitive environment, see how it turns out. And definitely will keep her mind busy.

Show quote history

Now I think of it, my grandma also made my clothes, when I was a pre-teen / teen I had some grasp of it, I’d basically buy basic tank tops then draw a butterfly and cat or whatever, then rhinestone / glitter it. If I could be bothered more elaborate. You could also mention this to her in a you’re so talented I’d love to see what you come up with etc. This won’t be expensive at all as a bonus, so I wouldn’t count it as a present though, unlike the previous suggestion
Let me know if you have any questions on these specific topics ☺️

Sewerdrain · 09/08/2023 14:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

7eleven · 09/08/2023 15:03

I have two thoughts

Have a really good think about if you have been fair between the two girls on their 10th birthdays. If you have, don’t budge. If you haven’t, acknowledge it and remedy it. As an adult, it’s your call.

If you give in to your youngest, to appease a perceived (in her eyes) disparity, then you are actually confirming it. Your child will feel she’s right in thinking you favour your eldest. This will only serve to embed her feeling of unfairness and she will continue to look for it.

fuchiaknickers · 09/08/2023 17:07

Which comment do you mean? Happy to elaborate but not sure which bit.

fuchiaknickers · 09/08/2023 17:08

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 23:45

@fuchiaknickers why do you say that please

Which comment do you want me to explain?

Underestimated4 · 09/08/2023 17:13

I would tell her she had the same option for her special birthday end of; don’t let a 10 year old control you, she’s been quite manipulative.

Johnnybegood2 · 09/08/2023 18:08

I'd stick to my guns on this one. The offer was for a 10th birthday milestone. You cannot afford to do it again etc

Johnnybegood2 · 09/08/2023 18:11

I've just read your other responses.

I'm a very sensitive person and was alot more so as a child. It shouldn't be used as an excuse for her to manipulate you.

MawSandra · 09/08/2023 18:19

You may not have spent £100 on the party, but there was also work involved. How much is you your labour worth per hour?

nidgey · 09/08/2023 18:22

7eleven · 09/08/2023 15:03

I have two thoughts

Have a really good think about if you have been fair between the two girls on their 10th birthdays. If you have, don’t budge. If you haven’t, acknowledge it and remedy it. As an adult, it’s your call.

If you give in to your youngest, to appease a perceived (in her eyes) disparity, then you are actually confirming it. Your child will feel she’s right in thinking you favour your eldest. This will only serve to embed her feeling of unfairness and she will continue to look for it.

But the younger dd was only 4 at the eldest's 10th birthday - so she has no idea if she was 'fair'. Anyway, you can't compare cash with a party - they're two completely different things.

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 09/08/2023 18:56

@Godlovesall26

We've literally started to go down this route recently and expand on this side and she's loving it all a great deal.

OP posts:
Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 09/08/2023 18:58

@fuchiaknickers.
Did you mention it something about asd not adhd?

OP posts:
bellac11 · 09/08/2023 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GoodChat · 09/08/2023 19:04

MawSandra · 09/08/2023 18:19

You may not have spent £100 on the party, but there was also work involved. How much is you your labour worth per hour?

You don't take labour costs out of your child's birthday budget 🙄

7eleven · 09/08/2023 19:56

nidgey · 09/08/2023 18:22

But the younger dd was only 4 at the eldest's 10th birthday - so she has no idea if she was 'fair'. Anyway, you can't compare cash with a party - they're two completely different things.

Show quote history

I mean the OP has to check with herself if she’s been fair. It’s not the child’s decision to make.

fuchiaknickers · 09/08/2023 20:06

BirthdayComplication · 09/08/2023 18:58

@fuchiaknickers.
Did you mention it something about asd not adhd?

Ah yes.
Well, as I said I don’t necessarily think it’s helpful to go applying labels willy nilly, especially with so little info to go on. However several posters mentioned ADHD, so I thought I may as well say that in my experience working with neurodiverse children the sort of difficulty your child is having would be more typical of the ‘high-functioning’ autistic children I know. Reason being:

  • she’s focusing on the detail about the money and who gets what rather than the big picture, which is that gift giving is a social act of affection. People with autism often focus on the details, rules and intricate details over and above the ‘big picture’, which is harder for them to see.

  • She’s being a bit obsessive about the fairness / whether the ‘rule’ (in her mind) of spending £100 was adhered to and finding it difficult to let go. One aspect of autism is the need for things to happen predictably and ‘as they should’, and getting very ‘hung up’ on things that don’t go as imagined, when most people could just let it go.

That was what made me think ASD rather than ADHD, which is primarily about attention span and hyperactivity (despite the fact that according to social media almost any difficulty in life ‘is’ ADHD at the moment!) and you don’t mention anything about that in your post.

CateringPanic · 09/08/2023 20:14

You haven’t accounted for inflation. Poor DD2’s £100 was worth a lot less. Also the party sounds a bit meagre so maybe she feels short changed

Shortandpale · 09/08/2023 20:25

I have a brother who sounds a bit like yours, as a child he always compared what he got with my sisters and wouldn't share. My mum had to count the number of chips we all got as he'd be cross if one of us had one more than him.

I think giving your daughter will feed into her negative way of comparing what she gets with her sister, and being envious of everything she gets. It's never going to be totally equal, particularly with the age gap.

I think you should just repeat to her that she had the same choice as her sister, just chose differently and had a fun party, and you're sorry she's changed her mind now, but it can't be undone, and distract her - have a juice and a chat, get her to help with washing up etc.

Your older daughter's feelings need to be considered -while she's 16, she's still likely to resent your youngest if you give in to her.

Comparison is the theif of joy and she needs to move on.

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 09/08/2023 20:27

@fuchiaknickers thanks for going into more detail detail I really appreciate it.

Thankfully she's not mentioned it today but her bday is in a month. She also hasn't mentioned it repeatedly in a short time but she definitely goes into details about things.. The detail of the party etc.

It's definitely food for thought.

OP posts:
Shortandpale · 09/08/2023 20:28

Just to add, I don't think my brother was insecure, my mother shamelessly favoured her only son, but he liked to exercise his power and keeping a tally was part of this- any perceived 'loss' on his side was always made up by my mother.

Holliegee · 09/08/2023 20:34

I can see her point, looking at it with 10 year old eyes and I think as other posters have said only you know what you spent (I’m not suggesting you didn’t).

I think I would say, yes you did have the choice I’m sorry you regret that choice but that birthday is finished now - so for this next birthday you can have xyz amount would you like to write a list and check out the best prices or would you like surprises.

Sennelier1 · 09/08/2023 20:39

I think from now on you should draft a contract of sorts about this kind of stuff, so you have proof of what she exactly chose. Personally, I wouldn't give in.