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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tough bday dilemma WWYD please 11 year old and £100

288 replies

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 19:54

Dd one is 16 and dd 2 nearly 11.

For dd 10th bday we offered her a party or 100 pounds on her bday.. She chose 100 and we went to hamleys.

Dd2 we offered the same. She chose the party. We had an at home party no entrainer, they did crafts and played music... 8 friends. Dd would also have had gifts from us. Dd said we didn't spend 100 on her.

Her bday is soon and she's saying she never got the offer and can she have 100 pounds for her 11th bday.

There 100 figure was really only for this 10th bday because it was a small double figures milestone... And not something I want to give out every year.
I'm uncomfortable that she doesn't trust us when we say she had the offer.

We can give her 100 on her 11th but I'm uncomfortable and feel I would need to record the transaction or get her to agree she wanted it and not a party.

Also just after lock down for her 9rh we did do the really expensive disco party, hall.. Prof cake etc... Which is far more than we everything spent before always had house parties but due to lock down and no parities for 2 year we decided to go for it.

She's extremely sensitive where her sister is concerned and jealous.

I'm not sure how e to proceed. Perhaps I'm over thinking it and should just give her the 100.

OP posts:
iolaus · 08/08/2023 21:10

I think the party when she turned 9 is what has really been the issue here

So she had a big blow out party when she turned 9

When she turned 10 she had the choice of a lot of money to spend on what she wanted or a party - I can see that to a 10 year old (without a concept of what £100 gets) that would have meant a bigger party than the one the year before - because you told her this is a 'special' birthday - so to her she didn't get either option

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 21:11

What a poster said about the 50 quid is ringing bells I've got a feeling we may have given her 50 and the party

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 08/08/2023 21:12

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 20:16

I don't think in my head certainly that we have to spend 100 on it though... Giving her 100 and take tomorrow shop is much easier than works that goes into party

I think this where the problem lies. To me, the deal sounds like it was £100 on the party or £100 to spend, certainly as a child that would be my assumption.
If you didn't spend £100on the party, I can see why she thinks she's been short changed. Maybe that needs to be addressed and rebalanced.
However, that makes no difference to this year's offer. You can explain 10th birthday was a one time only offer, this years birthday is going to be less.

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 21:12

I think we did and we went to for afternoon tea and then dh took her to toy shop around the corner for something

OP posts:
Angrywife · 08/08/2023 21:15

Write a comprehensive list of everything the party cost, like a shopping list, with cost and total it up for her.
If you can't remember, find similar on line.
Sit her down and go through it, telling her things cost money and you spent a lot of money making the party the best you could for her and you're hurt that she feels you didn't.

ReadRum · 08/08/2023 21:17

It sounds like she knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
I think you need to completely stop talking about the cost of gifts.

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 21:18

Read we don't usually! Like I said we've never been into toy shops etc.

I don't know what put it into her mind... Maybe saw old photo or something

OP posts:
Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 21:19

This was 6 years ago dd1 100

OP posts:
XelaM · 08/08/2023 21:22

Why don't you just give her £100 for her birthday if you can afford it? Any present you're likely to get will most likely cost that, so why not just give her what she asked for?

PrimalOwl10 · 08/08/2023 21:26

Tbh the party you did was very low key and bit disappointing it likely didn't cost 100 pounds so she feels like she's disadvantaged. We did bowling with friends for dd 10th for £67 which included one game of bowling and 3 jugs of drinks for 7 friends and then food boxes costed and a couple of quid for the arcades was about 85 max in total.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 08/08/2023 21:26

Did you definitely give her the choice between the £100 and party?

If so you need to stick to your guns and tell her that you gave her the choice and she chose the party which she enjoyed.

Tell her you will not be giving her £100 for her 11th as you cannot afford it and it was solely a big treat for her 10th.

I’d find this behaviour quite concerning tbh.
My teen will often ask me for expensive presents and doesn’t always understand the value of money but she’d never act hard done by like that. I say no I can’t afford it and she says ok or I give her an amount and she chooses things that I can afford.

ursuslemonade · 08/08/2023 21:27

Because she is turning into a demanding little diva. Next year she will argue that she needs 150 quid, the year after more and more..

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 21:28

She wanted to a vr headset at Xmas and understands it was too expensive. I think it's more she has a complicate relationship with her sister

OP posts:
GardeningIdiot · 08/08/2023 21:31

Angrywife · 08/08/2023 21:15

Write a comprehensive list of everything the party cost, like a shopping list, with cost and total it up for her.
If you can't remember, find similar on line.
Sit her down and go through it, telling her things cost money and you spent a lot of money making the party the best you could for her and you're hurt that she feels you didn't.

Absolutely don't do this. You should not be justifying your expenditure to a ten year old.

Damia · 08/08/2023 21:31

If you gave in and give dd2 another 100, what is to stop dd1 from then getting annoyed and also wanting another 100 or a party? Unless you want to spend 200 I would just say no

hattie43 · 08/08/2023 21:32

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 08/08/2023 20:31

Your child is not sensitive. She's a spoiled brat. Now you can either give in and enable her dreadful behaviour or put your foot down and tell her you don't want to hear about it any more. And if she carries on, she will simply not get anything for her next birthday. She really is going to become an unhappy human if you keep this going, she's not in charge here. You're her parent, parent her. Sometimes we have to say no, put our foot down and be the bad guy.

This .

I just can't believe how an 11 year old has her own parent in a turmoil .
No wonder kids are so broken these days . Not everything in life needs to be a negotiation

bellac11 · 08/08/2023 21:33

Im confused, has this child been mithering over this for 6 years?

Or is it the child that is now 11 that is asking for the same as what she had last year

I dont agree with posters saying to write down everything that was spent and bought, are these kids now the accountants that have to have sign off and agreement of what was spent now?

Its all very transactional, how did they get like this?

PrimalOwl10 · 08/08/2023 21:34

I think a house party is very disappointing at age,unless you've got some sort of entertainment like a bouncy castle or hot tub it shows lack of effort remember other friends will be having more elaborate parties.. Usually girls just take so many friends to the cinema or bowling and pay admission and some food. I suspect that's why she feels hard done by.

IveHadItUpToHere · 08/08/2023 21:35

From her pov, she got a cheaper party for her 10th birthday than she got for her 9th - and her 9th wasn't supposed to be special or cost £100.

She's not your brother so stop catastrophising about her entire personality simply because she can see a house party for 8 isn't comparable to a £100 shopping trip. Tbh you made a complete mess of this as parents. You implied both options would be £100 and extra special but her home party wasn't.

How does your older DC feel about it? If they both feel the house party wasn't what was promised then (if you can afford it) you can organise something special for this year (don't put a monetary value on it). And don't give options like shopping spree or party ever again.

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 21:35

@bellac11 that's how it's Made me feel, that she's an accountant with things being signed off

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 08/08/2023 21:35

Do you favour the older, ‘easier’ child op? That’s the only reason I can think of why a grown adult would be held to ransom by an 11 year old. Guilt.

Don’t negotiate with terrorists. Especially those in the cusp of puberty. And show love (not money) to both daughters equally.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 08/08/2023 21:36

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 21:28

She wanted to a vr headset at Xmas and understands it was too expensive. I think it's more she has a complicate relationship with her sister

Which is why it’s so important to treat them the same.

She does not get an extra £100 by trying to gas light you by saying you never gave it to her or didn’t hold up your end of the bargain.

PrimalOwl10 · 08/08/2023 21:38

Could she be embrassed by the party op. It doesn't sound great maybe her friends are teasing her

bellac11 · 08/08/2023 21:42

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 21:35

@bellac11 that's how it's Made me feel, that she's an accountant with things being signed off

Well I think thats why you need to shut it right down and finish it as other posters are suggesting

You need to take control, no further negotiations or discussions, not entertaining it.

WotNoUserName · 08/08/2023 21:43

Omg. Tell her to stop talking about it. Tell her. You are the parent, say no more!

I have one who used to focus on what he didn't get or didn't do, rather than the good things he did get/do. He always got told to pack it in. I can't stand ungratefulness. He's a teen now and much better.