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Original poster

Tough bday dilemma WWYD please 11 year old and £100

288 replies

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 19:54

Dd one is 16 and dd 2 nearly 11.

For dd 10th bday we offered her a party or 100 pounds on her bday.. She chose 100 and we went to hamleys.

Dd2 we offered the same. She chose the party. We had an at home party no entrainer, they did crafts and played music... 8 friends. Dd would also have had gifts from us. Dd said we didn't spend 100 on her.

Her bday is soon and she's saying she never got the offer and can she have 100 pounds for her 11th bday.

There 100 figure was really only for this 10th bday because it was a small double figures milestone... And not something I want to give out every year.
I'm uncomfortable that she doesn't trust us when we say she had the offer.

We can give her 100 on her 11th but I'm uncomfortable and feel I would need to record the transaction or get her to agree she wanted it and not a party.

Also just after lock down for her 9rh we did do the really expensive disco party, hall.. Prof cake etc... Which is far more than we everything spent before always had house parties but due to lock down and no parities for 2 year we decided to go for it.

She's extremely sensitive where her sister is concerned and jealous.

I'm not sure how e to proceed. Perhaps I'm over thinking it and should just give her the 100.

OP posts:
UndercoverCop · 08/08/2023 20:30

@ArcticSkewer the hall party was her 9th.
The whole thing is an unnecessary mess

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 08/08/2023 20:31

She's playing you. I caught my dd going to her room with 4 rice cakes after if left the house and her dad was in another room. She said it was for me and I said it couldn't have been. She still insists she was telling the truth. My point is 10 year olds are sneaky and it's up to us to set them straight. And I know it's not easy

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 08/08/2023 20:31

Your child is not sensitive. She's a spoiled brat. Now you can either give in and enable her dreadful behaviour or put your foot down and tell her you don't want to hear about it any more. And if she carries on, she will simply not get anything for her next birthday. She really is going to become an unhappy human if you keep this going, she's not in charge here. You're her parent, parent her. Sometimes we have to say no, put our foot down and be the bad guy.

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 20:32

Party and presents we will have got her presents or 100 entirely today spend on what's she wanted

OP posts:
craigth162 · 08/08/2023 20:33

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 08/08/2023 20:31

Your child is not sensitive. She's a spoiled brat. Now you can either give in and enable her dreadful behaviour or put your foot down and tell her you don't want to hear about it any more. And if she carries on, she will simply not get anything for her next birthday. She really is going to become an unhappy human if you keep this going, she's not in charge here. You're her parent, parent her. Sometimes we have to say no, put our foot down and be the bad guy.

This 100%

Nazzywish · 08/08/2023 20:33

You need to be the parent and set some boundaries. Why are people so afraid of their kids on here!?!

You gave her an option she chose an option and it was carried out. End of discussion. Whether it was exactly £100 spent on the party she had doesn't matter here as she chose and you delivered. Same as the older one did.

She is being sensitive because you've turned something that could've been nipped in the bud when she first said it and clarified into a something that she has now worked herself up about things not being equal because u refused to explain clearly her choice was made and that's it. You entertained the idea so she thinks her thought process is now validated because mum hasn't shut it down straight away so maybe there's something in this, and well the rest you can see it takes on a narrative of its own now in her 11 year old head. Be firm but explain gently. She'll get it. And get a life lesson in the process.

GoodChat · 08/08/2023 20:34

Tell her she doesn't get to retrospectively change her mind about birthdays. She got what she asked for. You're not just giving her £100 because she's decided you should. It doesn't work like that.

Original poster
BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 20:34

@Nazzywish.. That's exactly what she told weeks ago. Her mind won't let it go.

OP posts:
craigth162 · 08/08/2023 20:36

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 20:34

@Nazzywish.. That's exactly what she told weeks ago. Her mind won't let it go.

Well tell her you hear it mentioned one more time there will be no gift this bday. Simple.

Tohaveandtohold · 08/08/2023 20:36

You can’t just give in whenever she feels she’s not having her way. You need to tell her she had a choice on her 10th birthday and she chose the birthday party worth £100 rather than the cash and that’s what she had.
The only issue is you need to work out is if you didn’t spend £100 on her birthday as promised so you need to rectify.
otherwise for her 11th, she gets what she’s expected to get and nothing else more. She’s been sneaky and you can’t just be giving in

XelaM · 08/08/2023 20:37

I don't understand why you don't just give her what she wants for her 11th birthday, which is £100 (if you can afford it). 🤷‍♀️Why complicate matters

Ohmylovejune · 08/08/2023 20:38

You need to ask her why her mind won't let it go because she's going to face a choice of A or B thousands of times in her lifetime and needs to learn to live with the one she made and move on.

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 08/08/2023 20:44

XelaM · 08/08/2023 20:37

I don't understand why you don't just give her what she wants for her 11th birthday, which is £100 (if you can afford it). 🤷‍♀️Why complicate matters

Jesus, people like you are the reason there are so many entitled young people around. Yeah....let's give the kid whatever they want for a quiet life.

Tamuchly · 08/08/2023 20:44

With respect, I think you’ve created this problem for yourself OP!

My advice would be to sit down and talk it out with her (not negotiate), taking time to ensure she understands that she has already had the ‘deal’ she wanted (party and presents) and, by choosing this option, gave up the £100 spending spree. Explain that it was a one time only offer for her first double figures birthday. Ask her to tell you how birthdays normally go in your family and why she expects hers to be different. Ask her if it’s fair that her sister didn’t get both options. Make it clear that the next birthday with a ‘deal’ attached will be her 18th and not her 11th! Listen and empathise with her disappointment but don’t give in or this chip on her shoulder may get even bigger.

Good luck!

Nazzywish · 08/08/2023 20:46

Then stick to your explanation one more time and this time let her know its no longer up for discussion and refuse to engage in any more on this particular question. This will show her that once a choice has been made and followed through on its done and dusted no revisting it without justifiable cause a year later. Tbh OP I think she probably savvy enough to get it but is now convinced herself of a great unjustice and trying to pull one over on you. Do not give in though otherwise this will be it, next year itl be something else and then something else where things can be twisted so she gets what she wants. You need to teach her now , key parenting moment in my humble opinion to set her on the right path.

Also btw point out to her what if older dc now turned around and said not fair I want a party this year because younger dc got both. It never stops and then itl be unfair on older dc ( admittedly she prob don't care as she's a teenager now but helps reinforce the point home)

scoopoftheday · 08/08/2023 20:46

Your posts are very difficult to understand.

I can't understand how you're being dictated to by a 10-year-old child.

You shouldn't have to sit down and show her how much you spent on her 10th party - wise up. She isn't a bloody adult. She's coming up to 11.

Just tell her to pick a gift and stop being so bloody spoilt... you're going to have a rough road ahead if you're already trying to compromise with her at this age!

XelaM · 08/08/2023 20:48

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 08/08/2023 20:44

Jesus, people like you are the reason there are so many entitled young people around. Yeah....let's give the kid whatever they want for a quiet life.

Show quote history

Ok, let the kid never get what they actually want on their birthday and remember it for years to come. Some people never buy anything that's on the kid's actual wish list for birthdays/Christmas. My family were like this. They always bought me something more sensible when all I wanted was cash. I just don't get why you would do that. I always buy stuff that my daughter actually asked for rather than what I think she needs.

CurlewKate · 08/08/2023 20:49

Can her older sibling talk to her about it?

EllBellWell · 08/08/2023 20:51

BirthdayComplication · 08/08/2023 20:34

@Nazzywish.. That's exactly what she told weeks ago. Her mind won't let it go.

That's on her then. She needs a life lesson about letting things go. I would not entertain this for a second

ZenNudist · 08/08/2023 20:53

Well £100 for the 16yo should have been more like £115 at least 6 years later. I doubt the money went as far.

That said she is being a brat.

Dragonsandcats · 08/08/2023 20:56

your younger dd was 5 when the eldest one was 10, I can’t believe she can still remember what she did!

user1471447924 · 08/08/2023 20:58

Oh I’d just ignore her. Literally walk away whenever she starts up.

Thisgooddog · 08/08/2023 21:03

The older child who chose the £100 - has she had parties since? Like a few friends round to the house type thing for her birthday? Because if she has I can see why the youngest would feel cheated out of the £100 tbh. She chose a party but really, most people would have a small gathering round at the house most years anyway surely?

HoodedLidsBeGone · 08/08/2023 21:03

For remembering what presents you got her you surely took photos or recorded her opening them. But she needs to understand that fair does not always mean equal. It could be that she has been invited to more parties than her sister, or in the future could get something more than her sister.

She needs to let it go. As the saying goes (and insert sister for neighbour)

"The only time you look in your neighbour's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbour's bowl to see if you have as much as them"

LucyGru · 08/08/2023 21:07

This is a teachable moment.
Your youngest daughter has a very misguided (and rather unpleasant) understanding of the nature of gifts. Kids get things wrong all the time, and it's our job as parents to put them right.

Please take the time to gently but firmly explain to her that we don't demand and negotiate gifts, and we certainly don't complain about gifts that we chose and were happy with a year ago. She needs to learn this.

Being sensitive is not a good reason to be demanding and ungrateful.