Tough bday dilemma WWYD please 11 year old and £100

[BirthdayComplication]

Dd one is 16 and dd 2 nearly 11.

For dd 10th bday we offered her a party or 100 pounds on her bday.. She chose 100 and we went to hamleys.

Dd2 we offered the same. She chose the party. We had an at home party no entrainer, they did crafts and played music... 8 friends. Dd would also have had gifts from us. Dd said we didn't spend 100 on her.

Her bday is soon and she's saying she never got the offer and can she have 100 pounds for her 11th bday.

There 100 figure was really only for this 10th bday because it was a small double figures milestone... And not something I want to give out every year.
I'm uncomfortable that she doesn't trust us when we say she had the offer.

We can give her 100 on her 11th but I'm uncomfortable and feel I would need to record the transaction or get her to agree she wanted it and not a party.

Also just after lock down for her 9rh we did do the really expensive disco party, hall.. Prof cake etc... Which is far more than we everything spent before always had house parties but due to lock down and no parities for 2 year we decided to go for it.

She's extremely sensitive where her sister is concerned and jealous.

I'm not sure how e to proceed. Perhaps I'm over thinking it and should just give her the 100.

Just you wait until someone tells your daughter about inflation and that the £100 her big sister got is worth more than the £100 she wants now. To be honest £100 6 years ago is about £125 now. By the time she is 18 you will owe her loads for the extra that DD1 had.

I don’t understand why parents can’t just spend the same on each child irrespective of age every year.

Just say No! No discussion, no compromise, no trying to remind her. Just No.

Counting how much each thing is worth is an awful trait. Don’t piss around feeding in to it.

I would say her choice for her 11th is stop being a brat or we don’t celebrate at all.

Did she not get any presents?
She just got a small at home craft party? No entertainer etc?
Now I don't really think of ten as a big birthday but it's like you've set it up like it is then not delivered
Ten year olds don't really understand the concept of how much sandwiches/pizza costs, to them £100 sounds elaborate and then she had what sounds like a group play date , which is pretty underwhelming

@Clefable

We've never ever had much cash at bday... My dc grew up on car boot toys and charity shop stuff.
We've never taken them to tots shops or giving loads of new toys at Xmas.

So it was a perhaps silly idea to let dd1 have a proper splurge in a toy shop and just buy what she wanted. If she wanted that of course. We couldn't do both.

Same with dd2... Just a special one off to have some fun and not be told "no". We don't have wider r family to spoil them with toys... Or anything like that...

@BirthdayComplication BirthdayComplication · Today 20:16
I don't think in my head certainly that we have to spend 100 on it though... Giving her 100 and take tomorrow shop is much easier than works that goes into party

If you didn't spend the £100 on her that you posted and did spend on her sister, you've not been fair

Offered

I mean, the moment you gave the choice of party or presents with such a fixed cash value, you created a bit of a mess. Children don’t understand money in that way - in her head now, the party for her 10th birthday is long gone and she has nothing material to show for it so she feels hard done by - especially as it doesn’t sound remotely like a £100 party anyway. Surely she can have friends round and do craft stuff any time she likes?

However, you can’t be letting her dictate to you in this way either, and she’s going to get unpleasantly materialistic if she continues down this route. You need to shut down all the talk of £100 and tell her that from now on, birthdays are a few mates round plus a couple of gifts (or however you want them to be from now on).

She sounds like a full on spoilt brat! And you're seriously enabling her by highlighting her as a 'very sensitive child especially where her sister is concerned and jealous etc' she's spoilt and jealous and you're enabling it!!

She knew her choice would be a house party. We've always done house parties and she complained about this so we did the big hall party with entertainment and I don't think it was all she thought it would be. She was happy with the house party and the games and activity.

But to her the bottom line is you spent more on her sister, she's understood it that she got £100 to spend on toys or £100 party. She got neither.

Don't give her £100 this birthday, just give what you'd usually give her in line with what her sister had. She'll tantrum, but for the sake of everyone else, especially your older dd, it'll be for the best.

She chose what she wanted at the time. In hindsight she's decided she'd have preferred the other option, well that's just how it goes. She can't stamp her foot and get both.

I also think the whole thing is weird and a recipe for disaster

@UndercoverCop but she knows we spent what I think is an absolute fortune on her hall party with 25 guests, over 100 cake etc.

I agree its an awful trait and I so worry she's got traits of my brother.

Sorry- she's almost 11. She is being selfish and calculating, convinced she has not been given her 'fair' dues. She works out how much you've spent at Christmas to make sure she's had her 'fair' share. She had the same offer of party or cash, and is now denying that happened. She's still only a kid, but these are not nice traits. I would be shutting this down, very quickly- and also acknowledging the fact it's about her dues is selfish as hell.

Just don't entertain the discussion! Same answer every time "We have you the same choice. Shall we focus on your next birthday instead? Your budget is £x."

There is no point in picking it over.

Really you need to have the discussion with her about why she regrets her choice of party rather than £100.

That DD1 didn't get a party at all for her 10th and that she DD2 did have that same choice and she can't change her mind after the event.

The budget for her birthday is £x and she can choose to splurge that if she wishes but £100 isn't an option.

The issue isn't about the money it's about something else and that does need sorting.

How did you make fair to her sister wrt the big, expensive party? She's already learnt she complains and you make things go in her favour. She needs to unlearn this, and fast.

Let her help plan the party to a budget maybe?

I can't understand your logic at all last year really.

She would have been twice as well off to take the £100 and organise her own house party for £50 and keep the other £50 - maybe next year?

She never works out stuff at Xmas...

But mil has mentioned Oh you got x and dd 1 got b...

Maybe she's set this up who knows.

The problem is I dint feel happy giving it BUT it might just close it down and she will mentally move on... Or hang onto and her perceived injustice for ever

Artic we may well have done that.. I just Cant remember. We do try and be as fair as we can!

oh so her party did cost over £100? Sorry I thought you said it didn't.

Well fair enough then. She can budget the next one. At that age my kids started preferring the cash rather than spending the money on their friends.

Sorry but I think your daughter is really really cheeky.

@BirthdayComplication you've created this situation. You offered something you didn't follow through on. The party the year before is irrelevant to her for her tenth birthday she was posted £100 party or toy shop, she got neither.

If you'd said to her for her 9th , your sister got £100 for her tenth but you've had lockdown birthdays so how about we do the special celebration this year instead rather than wait? Adding you know that means normal birthday service resumes next year. She would feel treated equally.

Your message is confused, was the 9th to make up for the two birthdays she missed, or was it instead of the £100 celebration for her tenth?

you are doing better than me. every 16th I couldn't remember what we gave the last one when they turned 16. total guess!

@BirthdayComplication - so you'd rather give her more than her sister got, because it's easier to give in to the demands of an 11 yr old child.......and you reckon that will be the end of it? Sorry, take so,e responsibility. She wanted a 'big' hall party, so she got it- did her older sister? She wanted a party at home for her 10th, not cash, so she got it. She now wants £100, so it's easier to give it to her.......she sounds spoiled, rightly or wrongly, and that you basically give her what she wants!